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Adventure Time Wiki

This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Wizard Battle" from season 3, which aired on August 29, 2011.

Wizard Battle colesseum
This transcript is complete.


[The episode starts in the Wizard Battle stadium, Finn is walking through almost empty stands, singing "Wizard Battle"]
Finn: Jake.
[Jake is asleep on a seat; Finn crawls towards him]
Finn: [Whispering] Wizard Battle is starting soon!
Jake: [Pushes Finn away, groans] I know! We got here six hours early, you dork! Just wake me up when they start selling hot dogs. [sees that he is laying on a hot dog] Whoa! What do you know! [Eee gasp]
Finn: The wizards are arriving!
[The crowd cheers as the wizard walk in and kneel]
Finn: Whoo-hoo! Yeah!!!
Grand Master Wizard: [Offscreen] Ladies and gentlemen...
Finn: [Gasps repeatedly]
Grand Master Wizard: I am the Grand Master Wizard of Ceremonies. And now, the rules. Contestants will fight each other with spells from the eight schools of magic. [Science Whyzard enters] No science, Science Whyzard! [She leaves, Weapon Head enters] No weapons, Weapon Head! [Weapon Head pouts and takes of his weapon head and throws it into a pile of prohibited wizard stuff and makes fire from his hands] To enter Wizard Battle, you must be a wizard!
Finn: [Looking through binoculars] Whoo, wizard only allowed! Whoo. Whoo. Wh-...[Sees Ice King] Oh, what? Ice King!
Jake: Boo!
Finn: You're a contestant?!
Ice King: Mm-hmm. You guys come here to watch me win?
Finn: Phshoo, you're gonna lose, man.
Jake: You're a loser.
Ice King: Ha! I'm not gonna lose! I've got a foolproof plan for winning. [Whispers] I'm gonna cheat. [Laughs]
[The three are shadowed by a pink blimp]
Grand Master Wizard: And now L's and G's, witness the unveiling of this tournaments grand prize, [A curtain rises over the blimps cockpit revealing Princess Bubblegum] A kiss from Princess Bubblegum! [Princess Bubblegum starts posing with her lips as the crowds cheer] On the mouth!
[A small group of three Lady Wizards look displeased]
Lady Wizard #1: Boooo. Boo.
Brain Wizard: Hmm. Is it an open mouth kiss?
Grand Master Wizard: No!
Brain Wizard: Then I choose to exit the battle.
[Brain Wizard begins to leave, the Lady Wizards go "Yeah"]
Grand Master Wizard: No one is allowed to exit Wizard Battle! [Turns the four wizards into cats; the door closes] The doors are shut. [A barrier covers the stadium. A bird flies by but gets hit by the barrier] The sky barrier is in place. All of you will kiss the princess or die in battle.
Ice King: Ooh, I just can't wait to taste that sweet Bubblegum. [Flies off happy]
Finn: [blushing] Jake, we gotta enter the contest and stop Ice King.
Jake: But we're not wizards, man. What about the sanctity and honor of Wizard Battle?
Finn: I'd rather sanctify PB's lips.
Jake: Ooooh! You don't care about the Ice King. You just wanna kiss Princess Bubblegum.
Finn: No! I wanna save the princess!
Jake: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you do.
Finn: I do!
Jake: Yeah, you do.
Finn: Oh, shush! [Carries Jake off]
[They hop into the pile of wizard stuff and come out in disguise, Jake is cover by a red cloak and has his paws out wear the arm and legs should be and Finn has his head poking out of the head hole with a green hood and a blue eye mask]
Finn: Now, where's the Ice King.
[The wizards are warming up, Ice King is standing in a corner]
Jake: Over there!
Ice King: [Checking his breath] Oh, yeah.
Finn: We need a plan, man.
Jake: Okay. When the wizards start to battle, let's go hide behind that rock.
[It is sunset, Princess Bubblegum is still posing her lips]

Grand Master Wizard: By the rays of the setting sun, the battle of wizards has begun!

[Grand Master Wizard shoots a magic blast into the arena and the battle floor becomes covered in dust and magic spells, Finn and Jake dodge the spells and hide behind a rock, when the dust clears the wizards are gone as the light come on in the night]

Jake: Looks like everyone had the same plan.
[The wizards are hiding behind various objects]
Finn: What are they waiting for?
Abracadaniel: The opposites.
Finn: Huh?
[A small wizard crawls out from behind rock behind Finn]
Abracadaniel: The wizards with opposite powers will take each other on first.
Finn: And are you a wizard?
Abracadaniel: Yes. My name is Abracadaniel. [Tries to make a rainbow appear but can only keep it up for a few seconds]
Finn: Hi, Abracadaniel. My name is, uh, Magic... [Jake forms his hand into a fist] Fist.
Jake: [Pops his head out of the head hole] Whoa. This kid looks like a wimp.
Abracadaniel: Who's that?
Finn: He's my, uh, magic second head.
Abracadaniel: Well, he's right. [Sighs] I only entered this contest 'cause I thought the prize would be money. But it's just a kiss!
Finn: You mean, you don't care about kissing PB?
Abracadaniel: Blegh, no way. If I was the winner, I would turn my face so our lips [gasps] wouldn't touch and I would push Princess away. Turn and push, turn and push, turn and push...
Finn: [To Jake]
Abracadaniel: ...turn and push, turn and push. Well, I'm going back to my cave to wait for someone to kill me. Goodbye.
Finn: Wait! Abracadanny, don't you worry about a thing. I'm gonna protect you.
Abracadaniel: You will?
Finn: Yeah, man. Also, I have an idea for how you can help me save PB's lips.
Abracadaniel: Oh, okay.
[The sounds of a magic battle is heard, Ice King is fighting Flame Lord] Oh look, opposites are going to battle.
Ice King: Yeaah!
[In the battle Ice King brings out nunchucks and hits Flame Lord]
Finn: [Gasps] Cheating!
[Ice King hits Flame Lord unconscious]
Finn: He's using a weapon!
Jake: Why isn't the Grand Master Wizard seeing this?
[The Grand Master Wizard is playing with cats]
Ice King: Nun-chucks vanish! [The nun-chucks retract into his sleeve] Boo yah!
Finn: Now's my chance to stop him.
[The rock he is hiding behind opens its eyes and rises up]
Finn: Huwahh?!
Abracadaniel: Rock Wizard!
Rock Wizard: Arrgghh! Come to me, meteor shower! Rock Wizard compels you!
[The sky opens up and meteors fall]
Abracadaniel: Cantrip!
[Abracadaniel shoots a rainbow over Rock Wizard]
Rock Wizard: Huh?
[The rainbow disappears and the meteors fall; one lands on Abracadaniel]
Finn: [Gasp] No! [Finn dodges the meteors] Jake, two o' clock!
[Jake's arm smashes an incoming meteor, Abracadaniel appears behind them]
Finn: Okay, now to stop the [Sees Abracadaniel] Ice Kiiing...?
Abracadaniel: My body is squishy. That's how I survived.
Finn: Whoa! That's turbo amazing!
[Ice King is screaming fighting sound, shooting magic and twirling his nun-chucks, Huntress Wizard jumps behind him, blast at him, misses and jumps away as Ice King swings his nun-chucks at her]
Finn: Stay close to me, Abracadaniel.
[They run into the crowd of battling wizards and run into Cyclo. Abracadaniel shoots a rainbow at him and turns him pink]
Cyclo: What?! You turned me pink, bro!
[Jake punches Cyclo and knocks him out and he lands on top of another knocked out wizard]
[Grand Master Wizard is playing with a cat and looks at the arena again]
Grand Master Wizard: Three wizards remain. Time to get real. I wanna see some crazy wiz biz!
[The crowd starts chanting "wiz biz!"]
Ice King: Wiz biz! Wiz biz! Oh, I can almost taste those sweet lips. [Makes a make-out face; Abracadaniel cringes]
Finn: [Whispering] Quick, listen! Now's the time for you to help me. [Whispers in Abracadaniel's ear]
Ice King: Hey, guys. Guys? What are you whispering? Come on! I gotta a surprise for yous fools.
[They circle the Ice King]
Ice King: Yeah. That's right. Just a little closer. [Reaches into his sleeve] Ooh, what's in here? In my little sleevey hole? [Pulls out his nun-chucks]
Finn: [To Abracadaniel] Watch out, man.
Ice King: Whoo!
[Ice King swings his nun-chucks at Abracadaniel but he dodges]
Finn: You got this, Danny boy!
[Abracadaniel shoots a rainbow at the nun-chucks and turns them into a butterfly]
Ice King: My nun-chucks! Nooo!!
Abracadaniel: Yes! [Breathes hard] I did it! I really did it. I'm a true wizard.
[Jake gives him a thumbs up; the butterfly flies overhead]
Ice King: I have powers too, you butts! Yahh! Ice sword! [Creates an ice sword] Ice Shield! [Creates an ice shield]
[Ice King heads towards them]
Abracadaniel: Abracadaniel! [Shoots another rainbow at the butterfly and it turns back into the nunchucks]
Ice King: Wha? What you say? [Nunchucks fall on his head] B'oh! [Falls unconcious]
[The crowd cheers]
Finn: Good job, Danny. You're not a wimp anymore. You should feel pretty good.
Abracadaniel: I do. I feel real good.
Finn: I'm gonna forfeit now. I only wanted to stop the Ice King.
Jake: [Pops out of the shirt] Uh-uh.
Finn: I forfeit! I forfeit, everyone!
[Grand Master Wizard turns him into a cat; the crowd cheers]
Finn: Meow.
Jake: Whoa.
Grand Master Wizard: Abracadaniel wins! You are the greatest wizard in Ooo!
Abracadaniel: Oh, w-w-well thank you, Grand Master Wizard. I guess through this trial I have become a great wizard. I, I came here with no self-esteem and no chances, a will-o-wisp of a boy, but I walk out this arena a man. A confident man! Who deserves a kiss from a princess!
[Finn gasps and his Finn arms bursts out of the cat's front paws and he tears his way out of the cat, and he grabs Abracadaniel]
[Finn covers his mouth; Abracadaniel gets knocked out by Finn's scream]
Grand Master Wizard: It appears you have knocked out Abracadaniel using the most shameful of all magic, a power shriek. [The crowd grumbles in discontent] But since you are the last wizard, you are the winner of Wizard Battle. [The crowd cheers] Go get ready for your kiss, champ.
[In the locker room, Finn looks depressed]
Finn: [Sighs]
Jake: [Comes out from under the cloak] Wow, man.
Finn: What?
Jake: I've never heard you scream like that before. You were all like, "Nooo! No one kisses her but me!"
Finn: Yeah, okay! I want to kiss her, alright? You got me! The big secret is out! Okay, Jake. I like Princess Bubblegum! ARE YOU HAPPY, JAKE?!
[Jake has sad eyes as he lets out a tear]
Finn: Whoa, Jake. Don't cry, man. I'm not really mad at you.
[Jake looks happy as he sniffles a little and wipes a tear]

Finn: I'm just sick of having to hide my feelings all the driz. It's exhausting.

Jake: Then stop hiding you feelings, man! Go out there, and smooch it up! [His tail wags]
Finn: Heh heh. Yeah, alright, man.
[Footsteps are heard, Finn jumps back on top of Jake, Grand Master Wizard opens the locker room door]
Grand Master Wizard: You ready in there?
Finn: Yeah, I'm coming!
[Finn walks back out into the stadium where some of the wizards are watching, Ice King is still unconscious, and Princess Bubblegum stands in front of her blimp with Banana Guards by her side; Peppermint Butler is singing "Ultimate Prize Song" when Jake trips on Rock Wizard, who pops his head out of the ground]
Finn: Ooh, whoa!
["Magic Fist" is revealed to everyone; everyone gasps and mumbles in surprise]
Finn: Oh, dag.
Princess Bubblegum: What's going on here?
Finn: Uh, Ice King was cheating his way through Wizard Battle using nun-chucks, so Jake and I faked being wizards to save you from having to kiss him and we uh, [Sighs] I dishonored Wizard Battle.
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, Finn, did all that for me? [Kisses Finn] That's for being sweet. [Slaps him] And that's for cheating. Finn, you know better than to ruin the sanctity of Wizard Battle. Wizards only, silly. Okay, everyone! Go home! Start getting ready for next year!
[The wizards grumbling, leave along with Princess Bubblegum]
Finn: Heh heh, oh, well.
Jake: Good job. You got the kiss, man.
Finn: Thanks, man. My face hurts a little.
[Jake puts his Finn's eye mask back on Finn's face]
Jake: Don't worry about that, 'cause you look totally cool right now.
Finn: Thanks, dude. [Puts the mask on Jake] Here, you try 'em.
Jake: Okay, am I cool now?
Finn: So fly.
Ice King: [Out of nowhere, wearing purple sunglasses] How 'bout me? Put me on the grid, scale of one to ten. One is "totally gross," ten is like, "Dang, Ice King. You look crazy sick."
[Finn and Jake give Ice King a dirty look as the episode ends]