Web Weirdos/Transcript

(The scene shows a few odd trees next to a mountain in an open shot, there are some clouds visible in the background. Finn and Jake round the mountain's corner into the shot and look at one another knowingly. Jake jumps to one tree and across to the base of the mountain, doing creative jumps and swirls with his powers all the way.)

Finn: (excitedly) Stunts! (Finn then does a slow, cautious summersault) Hi-ya! (he weakly jumps off a tree and starts to climb the mountain side before carefully going back down. He climbs a small piece of wreckage and jumps off it, and starts running towards Jake offscreen) Yeah!

Jake: Yo, Finn, look what I found! (Jake is on a giant spiderweb) A vertical trampoline! It's sticky!

Finn: Dude, it's a spider web.

Jake: Ohh. Well, cut me out, yo!

Finn: No way, I'll stunt you out! Whoah! (He jumps at the web and gets stuck) ...I was thinking something else would happen.

Jake: You got anything sharp?

Finn: The only sharp thing I had was my fingernails, but you made me cut them.

Jake: They were too long, Finn.

(Scene cuts to a flashback of Finn petting Jake on a couch at the Tree Fort, a ripping noise is made)

Jake: Augh! You broke the skin, dude!

Finn: I guess my fingernails are really loaaeaeuAAAAHH--! (Finn looks at his hand which has grotesquely long fingernails and Jake starts screaming)

(Scene cuts back to Ed's web)

Finn: Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Jake: It's cool, man.

Finn: Can you... stretch us out of here?

(Jake tries to use his powers, but wears himself out quickly)

Jake: I'm gonna take a nap while you grow out your fingernails. We'll make our escape when I wake up.

Bug: You'll never escape! (view shifts down revealing two bugs are also stuck in the web) We'll all die in the web.

Fly: That's the circle of life.

Finn: That's not a circle. That's, like, a straight line.

Bug: We don't make the rules, man.

Finn: Well, don't just give up.

Bug and Fly in unison: The spiders are back!

Fly: Try to stay calm. Greet your fate with dignity.

(Both bugs start screaming and flailing around helplessly)

Finn: We gotta go, Jake! Jake!

(Scene shows two huge spiders crawling down into the valley, moving towards the web with Finn and Jake)

Barb: So what? You're not talking to me now?

Ed: No, I'm just tired of setting traps all day, solo-style.

Barb: Why are you mad?

Ed: I just said I was tired.

Barb: But you're acting like you're mad.

Ed: I'm not mad. Oh, look, food... that I caught... in my web... for us.

Barb: I spin webs, too, Ed.

Ed: Yeah, I know.

Barb: I try just as hard as you.

Ed: Well, go ahead then. Wrap them up for laters. (Barb looks shocked and looks down) What's wrong, Barb?

Finn: What's going on there, Jake? (Jake snores, still asleep)

Barb: I can't! You think I'm gross when I spin my web!

Ed: What?

Barb: I can see it on your face! Tell me that you don't!

Ed: Uhh... I uh... You tell me, you don't find me gross!

Barb: Oh, get stuffed, Ed! (She starts sobbing and walks away)

(Ed gasps)

Finn: You guys are sad. (Ed starts wrapping the still sleeping Jake with web, the web coming out makes a farting noise) Ugh! What is that sound? Sick, dude! She makes that sound, too?

Ed: Yeah, I guess, but she never does it in front of me. (Ed finishes wrapping Jake) Anyway, it's not gross when guys do it.

Finn: Dude, that's not cool. You need to think about what you say and how that affects your lady.

Ed: How about how she affects me? I love her, man.

Jake: (Jake drowsily begins to waken) Oh, snap, how long was I out?

Ed: Can someone tell me why we fight, why she treats me like all I do is make her feel bad? Tell me, Glob, why don't you ever answer me!?

Bug: It's hard to step outside of yourself when you're enmeshed with another being. (Noticing Bug talking, Ed opens his mouth revealing sharp teeth and picks him up). Oh, Grod! It's over! It's over!!

Finn: Wait!

Ed: What?

Finn: Umm... (Bug is panicking inside Ed's mouth) Right now, we gotta real-talk about your girlfriend.

Ed: I don't real-talk with my food.

Finn: Uhh... (Finn tries to get out of the web for a moment) We real-talk now, or you're going to be as single as your stinky web squirter!

Ed: Yeah, right. You just wanna get out of my web. All you ever want to do is escape! You're always, like, in cahoots, makin' plans not to be food.

Finn: I'm not in cahoots!

Ed: So okay, eat your friend here. (Ed holds Bug towards Finn)

Finn: (Finn thinks for a second) Okay.

Bug: No, man! What?! Where's your heart?! Look inside yourself! This isn't you!

Finn: (whispers) I'm gonna fake eat you, man.

Bug: (whispers) Oh. Word.

Bug: (scene shows Finn's teeth not touching Bug) Noooo! Oh, my guts! My guts everywhere! Agh, how could you!

Ed: (Ed climbs off the web) Okay, man, you've earned my trust. So, let's do this. Real-talk me, bro! (Ed puts his ear towards Finn's mouth)

Finn: (mumbles) Okay, first off, then, how you're going about this isn't working. Am I right?

Ed: Ugh, yeah. It's not working. My way sucks.

Finn: (mumbles) Cool, now we've gotta do damage control. Healing the negs energy at the source.

Ed: Yes, heal the neg-jerseys in me.

Finn: (mumbles) Alright, uhh...

(Jake whispers mostly nondescript words to Finn)

Finn: (mumbles) Go find Barb a present. That'll fix the first neg. Can you do that?

Ed: Yeah, I can find her a present. If you think that'll help. I don't think it will, but what do I know, I'm just a big ol' dummy who does everything wrong... (Ed crawls away)

Bug: Whee!

Finn: You're free! (Bug falls back in the web and gets caught again) Aw, man.

Jake: It's okay, Finn. You bought us some time.

Finn: Yeah, think fast, what can we use?

(The camera pans back and forth of their view in a small valley)

Jake: There's nothing! Just a bunch of nature.

Finn: I have a dumb idea.

(Scene cuts to Ed searching the woods)

Ed: (Ed sighs) Get her a present. Harumph. When was the last time she got me a present? What would she want, anyway? How do I know, we never talk. Jeez, what happened to my life? All my friends are gone. They all got kids now. I don't have kids. All I have is Barb. And she... (he sounds like he's about to cry) treats me like a--a dingus! Wha... Oh, cool! A sword! (Ed approaches the body of a dead knight with a gold sword) Wow, neat! (the blade lights on fire as Ed holds it) It's magic or something! We can hang this up over our mantle and snuggle by the fire, huh, like we--like we used to! I'm gonna fix us, Barb! Fix us!

(Scene cuts back to Ed's web)

Jake: Alright, one... two... three!

(Finn spits into the air and narrowly misses a passing bird)

Bird 1: Yo what?

Finn: Shoot!

Jake: Here comes another one. One two three!

Bird 2: My eyes! Agh!! (The bird falls through the air into Finn's hand)

Finn: Ha ha, yes! Finally! (The scene widens showing dozens of spit covered birds surrounding the web)

Jake: Good job! Last chance for life. Break out!

Finn: (Finn starts cutting the web using the bird's beak) Yeah, you mommy!

Barb: Hey, what's going on here! (Barb is now overlooking the web)

Finn: Nothing. (The bird escapes Finn's hand) Oh, crab apples!

Barb: Where's Ed?

Finn: Oh, uh, he's getting you an "I'm sorry" gift.

Jake: He feels crazy about making you cry.

Barb: He does? Really?

Ed: Barb! Barb!

Barb: Ed?

Ed: Barb, look! Damage control! Check it out! I wrapped it up and everything!

Barb: Oh, Ed, I can't believe it!

Ed: Yeah! Come on, open it!

Barb: I really just, it's just so unlike you to-- (Barb holds the sword and her expression drops) What's this?

Ed: It's a sword! I found it in the woods!

Barb: In the woods?

Ed: Yeah, it's magical, though. Check out the blade!

Barb: You got this for you, Ed.

Ed: No, I got it for us! For snuggles by the fire!

Barb: We are never gonna snuggles until you learn to appreciate me! (She points the sword at his face)

Ed: Oh, really? Well, I guess we're never gonna eat again either 'cause I catch the food, and your butt is dysfunctional! Eeh-ya! (He grabs the sword from Barb and cuts everyone out of the web) Go! Run away, food! We don't need you apparently! (The bugs start flying away)

Bug: Just break up, you guys!

Fly: Do it for you!

Ed: Now what are you gonna eat? Huh, Barb?

Barb: (Close up of Barb's angry face) I'm gonna eat you!

Finn: Yo, that's wrong!

Barb: Who cares!

(The two spiders start fighting and rolling around; Finn picks up Jake and starts running away)

Jake: We're free!

(Ed is screaming as Barb beats him up in the background, Finn stops running)

Jake: Oh, no. You got that look on your face. You going back to help that fool?

Finn: His wife's gonna eat him!

Jake: Spider marriage is complicated. Sometimes, you just gotta mind your own biz.

Ed: (in the distance) Oh, help, somebody help me!

Jake: Ugh... Go with Glob.

(Finn runs offscreen; scene shifts to Ed being beaten up by Barb)

Ed: Mercy!

(Barb punches him a few times and hisses, then crawls over to his body and prepares to bite his head as he doesn't fight back. She is then hit by a tree and the scene shows it was Finn swinging it like a bat)

Barb: You little twerp! Are you stupid or something?

Finn: Yeah, I'm stupid. But I know something real. You shouldn't eat your husband!

(Barb grabs him and pins him to the wall. As Finn tries to fight back she pins each of his limbs until he has nothing to attack with and she starts to move her mouth towards his face. She then starts convulsing and screaming in apparent pain)

Jake: (Jake rolls next to Finn) Yo, smoothin' things out?

Finn: Not exactly...

Ed: (Ed crawls towards the screaming Barb) Barb! Barb! What's wrong, my love? (She continues screaming and her eyes turn red. The back bulb of her body bursts revealing a white sac and she stops screaming) Okay ...

(The white sac bursts and thousands of tiny spiders start flowing from it like a black fountain)

Finn: What is happening!?

Jake: Something we're not supposed to see.

Barb: Oh, Ed. We're parents!

Finn: Aw, sick!

Ed: I think there's hope for us, Barb.

Barb: We can make a new start, as a family. (They kiss)

Jake: Nice.

Finn: Think they're gonna make it?

Jake: Love like theirs will always find a way. It'll crawl all up over you and drain your body fluids, poisoning you slowly until you pass out. (Finn starts screaming and flailing his arms) Circle of life, Finn... circle of life.

(The scene closes with the egg sac still releasing thousands of tiny spders and Finn screaming while the still wrapped-up Jake accepts his fate in the pile of baby spiders.)