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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Varmints" from season 7, which aired on November 3, 2015.

This transcript is complete.


[It is nighttime in the Candy Kingdom. Marceline is flying to Princess Bubblegum's castle.]
Marceline: [humming a tune]
[She lands in the window of Princess Bubblegum's bedroom and knocks.]
Marceline: Knock, knock. Yo, Peebs, you want to make a midnight Squeez-E-Mart run? I'm gonna drink the red from out the customers' bloodshot eyes. [chuckles] Psych. I'll probably just get a slushie.
[no response]
Marceline: Bubblegum? Bonnibel! [touches sleeping figure]
[The figure rolls over, revealing that it is the King of Ooo.]
King of Ooo: Wha—?
Marceline: [screams]
King of Ooo: [screams]
Marceline: [screams]
King of Ooo: [screaming morphs into singing]
Marceline: Ugh! What are you doing here?!
King of Ooo: [stands up] Be not afraid, child. It is I, the one true princess of Ooo!
Marceline: Where's Bubblegum?! [swipes claw, slashing pillow open]
King of Ooo: [chuckles] Whoa! Relax! [jumping on bed] Bubblegum is fine, just fine... and deposed! And powerless! So crushed by defeat was she that the tyrant exiled herself to a sad cabin on the shores of Lake Butterscotch—technically still Candy Kingdom territory. But in my mercy, I've allowed her to remain.
Marceline: You're the princess?! Since when?
King of Ooo: Well, by the reckoning of my new Torontian calendar, Ooo's official calendar, uh, two glorious months.
Marceline: Two months? But—then why didn't she t—[growls] Bubblegum! [flies out the window]

King of Ooo: Tell Bubblegum I wear her nightgown! Tell everyone!

[It is nighttime at Princess Bubblegum's cabin. Marceline hurtles towards the ground and lands in front of Princess Bubblegum on the porch.]
Marceline: [growls] BONNIE!
Princess Bubblegum: Marceline. What up?
Marceline: Ugh. Why didn't you tell me you got throne-jacked! I gotta hear it from that wax fraud!
Peppermint Butler: [shotgun cocks] Be cool, Marceline. Let's all be real cool.
Princess Bubblegum: Give us a minute, Peppermint Butler.
Peppermint Butler: Hmm. [runs off] Hup hup hup hup...
Marceline: Well?
Princess Bubblegum: I didn't get jacked. I quit. But yeah, alright, I should have told you. I was just [sigh] embarrassed. And it all happened so fast. I'm still trying to sort things out, see things rationally.
Marceline: Huh. Well, you could have talked to me about it.
[Marceline flies over to sit next to Princess Bubblegum.]
Princess Bubblegum: [scoffs] Yeah, 'cause you're so dang rational. Ha ha. I'm sorry, that's mean. I'm trying to be less mean. That's why I'm starting fresh with a new kingdom out here. Just me, Pep But, some pretty stars. Ugh, and of course, some varmints.
Marceline: Varmints?
Princess Bubblegum: Varmints! [stands] Raiding my pumpkin patch. Every dang night! [kicks half-eaten pumpkin] After all my sweet bio-engineering? The nerve of these varmints. Not tonight! [sits]
Marceline: [whistles] So, how long you gonna sit out here for?
Princess Bubblegum: Long as it takes. [shotgun cocks]
Marceline: Uh, alright, yeah! Let's get these varmints.
Princess Bubblegum: Um...yeah.

[Later at Princess Bubblegum's cabin.]
Marceline: [makes fart noises with mouth] These must be pretty good pumpkins, huh?
Princess Bubblegum: They're citizens of my garden kingdom. 100% loyal garden citizens.
Marceline: [chuckles] That reminds me -- so I was in the grocery kingdom last Sunday, 'cause free samples, you know. They had these, like, shrimp cocktail dealies. So good. I was sucking the sauce off them and hucking the shrimp at the ceiling. I kept going back for more and more samples, I could not stop myself. I don't know, man. The shrimp must have gone bad or something, 'cause all that red came right back up. Still invisible and yakking red all down the produce isle. It was awesome.
Princess Bubblegum: [chuckles] Hey, you remember that one time --
[Rustling is heard coming from the pumpkin patch.]
Princess Bubblegum: [gasps] [shotgun cocks] Hey!
[Varmints appear, growling.]
Princess Bubblegum: Varmints! After them! [shooting and running] Varmint hole! Ah, nuh-unh! A ding dang varmint hole. I can't believe my sweeps didn't find it.
Marceline: Well you found it now. So, what next?
Princess Bubblegum: [muffled] Next? We dig.
[Princess Bubblegum blasts the varmint hole. Her and Marceline walk down into the abandoned rock candy mines.]

Princess Bubblegum: Hmm. This looks like a delivery tunnel from the old rock-candy mines.
Marceline: Huh! We haven't been down here in hundreds of years. Remember when I'd get you out of those stinky Cheese Kingdom trade meetings and we'd sneak down here and spray-paint the walls?
Princess Bubblegum: Um, I am pretty sure it was me who found you vandalizing my property.
Marceline: [Laughs] Yeah, but I got you to tag something, didn't I? I bet I could find it. Here, come on. We used to follow the mine car rails, cracking jokes, telling stories... Whoa! The broken bridge! Remember? You jumped across this! You were so scared.
Princess Bubblegum: Mmm, I think I was just trying to prove something.
Marceline: Bonnibel Bubblegum, always so prepared.
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah, I have to be "always so prepared." We can't all just "wing it." I didn't have to always worry about so many things, you know? The Candy Kingdom used to be so small, so manageable. But then it kept growing and growing, and there was always some new disaster to prepare against.
Marceline: Is that why you stopped talking to me?
Princess Bubblegum: No, I...

[creature growling]

Marceline: [growls, hisses]
Princess Bubblegum: Bring it, ya darn pumpkin munchers!
Marceline: It's a freaking mother varmint!
Princess Bubblegum: Ugh! Marcy, cover me!
Marceline: No problem.

Princess Bubblegum: Marceline! Look out!
Marceline: Huh?
Princess Bubblegum: She's going to bring the whole tunnel down!

Princess Bubblegum: My snapback!
Marceline: In there!

Marceline: You got any more gadgets?
Princess Bubblegum: Umm... Some bandages, a pen, unpaid internet bill, and a strawberry lip balm.
Marceline: [slurps] Ah.
Princess Bubblegum: Maybe we can find something useful around... Oh!
Marceline: Your tag! We actually found it. Man, your handwriting hasn't changed at all. [chuckles] Still as prissy and prim as... What?
Princess Bubblegum: [sobs]
Marceline: Hey, hey, whoa. Wait, I didn't mean... I like your handwriting. I think it's really pretty.
Princess Bubblegum: It's... it's not that... I lost my hat.
Marceline: We can get you another hat.
Princess Bubblegum: I lost my hat, lost my home, lost my people. I can't even keep darn varmints out of my pumpkin patch!
Marceline: Oh, Bonnie, you're...
Princess Bubblegum: I tried. I really, really tried. I just... I thought that if I shut everything out and just focused on work, it would all be okay, but look where that landed me. All I managed to do was push everyone away. I pushed you away. I'm sorry, Marceline. I've been a real dinger to you.
Marceline: Come on. What are you even apologizing for?

Marceline: Uh, how about we not get buried under a metric ton of rock-candy rubble?
Princess Bubblegum: The field generator! Aw, geez! Okay, uh, maybe I can rig up a graffiti bomb or a rudimentary rock-candy cannon or... what?
Marceline: This time, I'm prepared. I've been watching these dudes pretty close. I think I can varmint-style dig us through the wall. It's just a shame about your tag, I don't want to mess it up.
Princess Bubblegum: Nah, it's good, I think. Mess it up.
Marceline: Dig, dig, dig, dig, dig!
Princess Bubblegum: Yo, varmints! You hungry? I'll eat you! I'll eat your mom! I'll eat your eggs! I'll... Whoop!

Marceline: Thanks. [slurps] Boing!
Princess Bubblegum: I'm crazy tired, Marceline. I think I have been for a long time. [sighs] But those varmints are still out there, waiting.
Marceline: Eh, worry about it tomorrow. I'll keep a lookout tonight. I'll watch the heck out of this pumpkin patch. Come on.
Princess Bubblegum: [yawning] Well, okay. Maybe for a bit. Don't let me sleep too long. Promise to wake me up in 15 minutes.
Marceline: I promise.

Peppermint Butler: Uh, can I come back now?

[End of the episode.]