This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Two Swords" from season 8, which aired on January 23, 2017.
Finn
Jake
Fern (unnamed until "Do No Harm")
Princess Bubblegum
Susan Strong
BMO
Grass Demon
Finn Sword
Banana Guards
Nurse Pound Cake
Rattleballs (cameo)
Bandit Princess (flashback)
None
Transcript[]
[ Imitating siren ]
[ Creak! ]
[ Screams ]
Bubblegum:Okay, how about now?
[ Clang ]Finn: Yeah, I can feel it.
But there's a little delay.
Hmm.
How about now?[ Clang ]
Now I felt itbefore you hit me.
Whoa! Really?!
Ha ha!Just kidding!
It's fine.It's fine.
Come on, now.This is serious.
And expensive.
I've been workingon this new arm
since the last timethis happened,
so please don't blow it upso fast this time.
[ Chuckles ]We'll see.
Honestly, though,
this doesn't even feelthat weird now.
I mean, maybe it's 'causeit already happened
once before,but, I don't know.
It feels like normal,I guess.
[ Banana Guard clears throat ]
I mean, I knowit's "serious."
[ Groans ]Jake and Susanand Rattleballs
all gotpretty banged up.
But for me,I guess it's like...
I don't know.It feels right or something.
What's weird, though,is that grass guy.
Kinda rubs methe wrong way, that one.
Yes āā the mysteriousgrass guy.
Tell me againwhat happened
with the two of youthis morning.
[ Inhales,exhales deeply ]
Okay, so,as you know...
after Susan had gone crazyand kicked Jake's butt,
my grass arm got steamedand kicked her butt.
Then it ran offand merged butts
with my Finn Sword...
and turnedinto this guy,
and he startstalking smack!
Mah! Maaaaah!
What?!
Mah! Mah!
Hey, man,you stay back!
Eeyuh!Muh eeyuh!
Muh eeyuh!
Hey! IāI saidstay back, man!
I seen what you didto Susan!
[ Groaning ]
[ Straining ]Susan's...cells...are on fire.
Susah!Susah?!
Hey!
[ Panting ]Stop!
[ Both grunting ]
Both: You leave her alone,you weirdo!
Both: Susan's my friend!
Fruh...
freh...
Friend.
What?!
Huh?
I said, "What?"What did you say?
"Whu?"
Oh. Okay.
My ears weren't workingbefore, for some reason.
Or my mouth.
[ Chuckles ]Sorry about that.
Also, why are youdressed like me?
Get a life, man.
What?!
You're dressed like me,man! Geez!
Anyway, you just keep your handsoff of Susan, guy.
Susan?Can you hear me?
It's Finn.
Susan?
Owwww!
No touch.
[ Gasps ]Finn: Oh. Sorry.
[ Susan groaning ]You keep your handsoff of my friend!
What are you on abouāā
Aaah! Whoa!
[ Thud ]Oof!
Don't worry, Susan!
[ Both grunting ]
All right, all right! Enough!Truce, truce!
[ Groans ]
[ Both panting ]
Sorry, dawg, but I can'tlet you hurt Susan.
[ Growls ]
I wasn't gonnahurt her!
I was protecting herfrom you!
Me? But...I'm Finn Mertens, man.
I'm 100% hero.Everyone knows that.
What?!I'm Finn Mertens!
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Sorry, man.
I mean, I'm flattered,but...come on.
No, you come on!
Jake: Finn!
Hold on, buddy!I'm coming!
[ Inhales deeply ]
Jake! Boy, am I gladto see you!
This bozo keeps sayinghe's me.
Why don't youset him straight
and tell himwho the real Finn is.
That one.
What?
Yeah, I don't knowwhat you are.
Some kind ofdemonāplant thing, probably.
But I āā
Beating upon my poor brother
like some kind of demon!
[ Gasps ]Yeah!
Show us your true form,demon!
Yeah, show us!
Both: [ Chanting ]Show us! Show us!
Show us! Show us!
[ Chuckles ]
[ Grunts ] Oof!
Whoa!
Yeah, it's a real messout here.
We're gonna needthe huge ambulance.
Yeah, no.
No.
No, the huge āā
No.
Put Banana Guard number 2on the phone.
Well, go get him!
All right, all right.
I think I've heardjust about enoughhhhh...
to know that I needto hear that all over again.
Why don't youtake it from the top?
Okay, so,as you know...
āŖāŖ
Hey, BMO.
[ Screams ]
[ Gasping, whimpering ]
[ Rapid footsteps ]
BMO?
[ Pop! ]
Oh, hey!My nose is back.
[ Sniffing ]
Mmm!Stinks good in here.
[ Sniffs ]
It's gotthat "big boy" musk.
Socks, trash, butt āāall the stinks of home.
Ha!Hey, what are you doing?
Get out of here!Ha!
Man, I remember that day.
That was when BMOlost control of the tank.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
Mmāhmm.
Ha!
Aw.
Bandit Princess:Hey! Give me that!
What the crease?!
You gonna get it now,dude!
That's the Grass Sword!
Hyah!
What the hey?
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
[ Groans ]
I hate this.
I liked it before.
[ Spider humming ]
Who are you?
Oh, you know āāa curse.
An emissary from beyond.
Some kindof grass octopus spider.
[ Screams ]Grass Demon!
You're making me nervous,dude.
No!No, no, no!
Don't worryabout me.
[ Straining ]I am worrying about you!
Dude, stop this!
It's okay. I justgotta do something here.
One sec.
Okay, just one more[Muffled] second.
So, how are you today?
I'm good.
I want out of here,though.
I've pretty much doneall I can do in here.
You and me, we could doa lot better out there.
I want out, too.
Let's do it.
Wait āā do you meanout of the swordor out of the cocoon?
[ Chuckles ]Okay. I get it.
When we get out of here,let me do the talking.
[ Groans ]
And then you asked meto take it from the top.
So...that guy is definitely
an alternateārealityevil doppelganger, right?
Huh.
No.
He's not evenfrom a different timeline.
Finn, he's just you.
Yeah, you say that,but I'm me.
So he's āā[ Telephone rings ]
BMO?
[ Shattering ]News flash, hotshot āā
you're in the house,and you're made out of grass,
and you're breaking my china,and I'm scared!
What?!
This grass guy'sscaring BMO!
Let's get him!
Waaaaaaaaah!
I've got a crushon Jake.
[ Oldātimey music playing ]
Oh, no, no, no.
I...can't...get...anything right!
[ Screams ]
[ Music continues, muted ]
[ Music slows ]
Jake: Hey, weedy!
Hey.
Just let me suck arounda bit, okay, man?
No way, buster!
You're hurting BMO!
I'm okay!
Geeeeeeet outta here!
Come on, Finn!
Jake, uh, I'm stillprocessing all this.
Jake: United front!
Okay.
[ Groans ]
You scare BMO,
you muck upmy mom's records,
you waste my brāā
You wastemy breakfast syrāā
Breakfast syrup!
Hey!
Look at mewhen I'm mad!
Look at my eyes!They're mad!
And they have to lookin your āā
Hey! They have to lookin your eyes!
Take my angerinto your face!
You're a fraud!
You thinkyou can fake Jake?
You can't fake Jake!
Cake, rake, lake,hamburger steak!
Oh, man!
[ Inhales deeply ]
Oh!
[ Panting ]
You're a chumābait!
Jake, no!
It's for fishing, BMO!
It's somethingthat fishermen use!
And he is one!He's a chumābait!
Finn: Hey!
Grassāme, do you wanta Finn cake?
But...
only Finnsget Finn cakes.
That's true.
[ Sniffs ]
Wait.
[ Sniffs deeply ]
That's that good sugary trash,like a big boy likes.
Oh, geez.
I reallyfell off the horse here.
Maybe I'm notwho I am.
Sure we are.
[ Chuckles ]Weird days, man.
Give me a minuteto catch up.
[ Sniffles ]
Hey, you gonna eatthat BMO cake?
[ Tink! ]
[ Kch! Kch! Kch! ]
My hands are still tackyfrom breakfast syrup.
Hey, do you thinkGrass Finn's loco?
I think he'll be okay.
He just needs a place to crashwhile he figures some stuff out.
Okay.
[ Snoring ]
[ Snoring ]