This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "To Cut a Woman's Hair" from season 2, which aired on January 10, 2011.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode starts off in a forest with Finn feeding baby birds in a nest by chewing an apple first; the birds are chirping.]
Finn: Blah-la-luh. Hey, Jake, give me some of that apple.
Jake: Coming up. [Jake does a wave with his left arm then stretches his right arm up to Finn handing him the apple. Finn starts chewing the apple.] I know what you're thinking about.
Finn: [Muffled because of the apple in his mouth] Huh?
Jake: Kissin' Princess Bubblegum on the mouth!
[Finn spits the chewed-up apple to the baby birds.]
Finn: [Spits and with nervousness in his voice] No, I'm not! And... I wouldn't even do that ever.
Jake: Yeah, you would. You're just bad at talking to ladies.
Finn: Hmmph. [Continues feeding birds] Ehggg-uh-ya-uh. Uh, should I keep going, Mrs. Yoder?
Mrs. Yoder: [The mother bird's upper beak was bound up] No, Finn, that's plenty. Thank you.
Finn: Okay. [Throws away apple] Let us know if you need anything else. Hyah!
Mrs. Yoder: You two are heroes!
[Finn jumps off the tree and spins around a branch to land swiftly on the ground.]
Finn: [Landing] Hunh.
Jake: Come on, dude.
Finn: Hey! Do you hear that? She called us heroes!
Jake: [Chuckles] Yeah, I heard.
[A bush starts rustling; Finn and Jake both spot the moving bush and look shocked.]
Finn and Jake: Huh?
[The Tree Witch pops out of the bush.]
Tree Witch: Hey! How's it going?! [Brushes the bush off her dress.] Ugh! Is that true, what the bird said? You guys are heroes?
Finn: Why were you hiding in that shrub?
Tree Witch: Oh, I wasn't hiding. I'm a Tree Witch. I can turn into trees and shrubs and bushes and stuff. Check it out.
[She holds out her arms and they grow into mini trees. She then turns them back to normal.]
Jake: [Bored] Bleh.
Tree Witch: So listen, I need you two heroes to get me a lock of princess hair. [Scratches armpit then sniffs]
Finn: Why do you need princess hair?
Tree Witch: Why? 'Cause I have a balding problem! What, are you, blind? [Pats bald head] [Louder] Are You blind!?
Finn and Jake: No, we're not blind. [They nervously talk over each other.] I had no idea... I don't know...
Tree Witch: Anyway, I need the princess hair so I can put it on my head. [Sticks her head out] And then I'll be beautiful.
Finn: Oh, well, uh, we know lots of princesses.
[Jake stops him from talking and laughs nervously.]
Jake: [To the Tree Witch] Uh, can you, um, give us a minute?
Tree Witch: Yeah, okay.
Jake: [Whispering to Finn] Dude, I don't think we should help her.
Finn: [Whispering] Why not?
Jake: 'Cause she's a witch!
Finn: Maybe she's a good witch.
Jake: Her? Are you kidding? Come on, look at her! [She turns her finger into a Venus fly trap and it swallows a butterfly.] If she was good, she wouldn't be so ugly.
Tree Witch: Are you guys still talking?!
Finn: So what do we do? Tell her we can't help her 'cause she's ugly?
Jake: No, man! She'll kill us or put a freaky curse on us or something. [Glances at her] Let me get rid of her with some of my world-famous smoove talking. [He walks over to the Tree Witch.] [Smooth talking with romantic music in the background] Hey. Sorry about that, girl. [Lies down] Ahh. You don't mind if I take a load off, do you?
Tree Witch: What were you guys talking about?
Jake: How pretty you are.
Tree Witch: Huh?
Jake: We were just saying someone as pretty as you doesn't even need a full head of hair. [Finn bends down next to him.] Isn't that right, buddy?
Finn: Uh, yeah, totally!
Tree Witch: Nuh-unh! [Giggles]
Jake: Girl, if I didn't already have a G.F., I'd be on you like butter on toast!
[Tree Witch lies down on ground next to Jake.]
Tree Witch: [Seductively] I don't mind if you have a G.F.
Jake: Oh. Umm…
Finn: Dude, I don't think it's working.
Jake: Yeah, I think I'm making things worse.
[Tree Witch touches Jake's leg.]
Jake: Ah-ah-ahhh!
Tree Witch: Hey.
Jake: What?
Tree Witch: How would you... court me?
Jake: Um... spaghetti dinner?
Tree Witch: Hmm.
Finn: Look, Lady, we can't help you get princess hair.
Tree Witch: Why not?
Finn: Because... we only help when someone's in danger. [Jake smiles at Finn's logic.]
Tree Witch: Oh! Well, why didn't you say so?
[The Tree Witch stands up and clears her throat. She grunts and uses magical powers to pick up Jake.]
Jake: Hey... uh... what's—?! Yaaah! Hey!
[She places him on the ground then sits on him.]
Tree Witch: There. Now someone's in danger.
Jake: I told you she was evil!
Finn: Grrrrrr.... Yaah!
[Finn gets angry and charges at the Tree Witch. He jumps to attack her, but she deflects him with a force field.]
Tree Witch: What, you forget I'm a witch?
Finn: Maybe.
Tree Witch: Well, maybe you should get me some princess hair, so maybe your friend doesn't get sucked into my bottomless bottom!
[Jake starts getting pulled into her bottom.]
Jake: Nyuh! Get some princess hair!!
Finn: All right, fine! [Starts to leave]
Tree Witch': Wait! Uh, you... you can't tell anyone why you need it.
Finn: What? Why?
Tree Witch: I don't want anyone to know I have a balding problem.
Finn: O...kay. [Walks away]
[Scene changes to show Finn looking at castle.]
Finn: It's Princess Muscles's castle! [Runs to door and knocks]
[Muscle Princess picks up the door from the inside and throws it away.]
Muscle Princess: Hi, Finn.
Finn: Uh, hey, Princess Muscles.
Muscle Princess: What brings you by?
Finn: Um, you were the nearest princess, and I need a lock of your hair.
[Muscle Princess looks away and blushes.]
Muscle Princess: I understand.
Finn: You do?
Muscle Princess: Mm-hmm. [Starts to hug Finn]
[Finn screams and falls through her arms onto the ground.]
Finn: Aah! What are you doing?
Muscle Princess: Trying to give you a hug.
Finn: Why? I want hair, not hug!
Muscle Princess: Oh, I see. You want to take things slo-o-o-w.
Finn: No! I--I'm here to save you! From your hair! It looks really bad. Cut it off, quick!
Muscle Princess: Of course it looks bad. If I had beautiful, shiny hair, no one would look at my muscles. [Starts punching Finn around] Come back when you wanna get serious about loving me!
[She slams the door back into place. Screen now shows Finn lying on the ground beat up and bruised.]
Finn: I am terrible at talking to ladies.
[Scene changes to Finn wandering around a forest.]
Finn: Hmm... Where's a princess? Princess?... Princess... Princess... Who's that? [Lumpy Space Princess is sleeping at a hobo camp.] It's Lumpy Space Princess. [Finn looks around confused at the trash he sees around her.] Does she... live in the woods now?
Lumpy Space Princess: [Sleep-talking] G-G-Get away from my camp! I'll cut you! Hrm. I'm never gonna go back home.
Finn: Huh. Wait. Does she even have hair? [Finn gets really close to Lumpy Space Princess, the wind blowing and revealing her body covered in very short purple hair.] She does! Well... hair is hair.
[He pulls out a pair of scissors. Lumpy Space Princess wakes up in the middle of him clipping her hair.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, my Glob! What the stuff are you doing?! Why are you cutting my lumps?!
Finn: Because they're, uh... So--
Lumpy Space Princess: [Gasps] I knew you liked me.
Finn: No, I don't! I-I'm just stopping by because--
Lumpy Space Princess: Just admit it, Lover Boy! You can't resist me! Well, if you want these lumps, you gotta put a ring on it! Where's my ring?! [Finn does a high-pitch scream and runs away.] I knew you liked me, Finn. That's why you're running! Get in touch with your feelings, babe!
[Finn is now running through a dark, ominous graveyard.]
Finn: What am I gonna do? Huh? A graveyard? Yes! There's got to be a hairy princess in there that won't think I'm hitting on her![Finn goes around all the tombstones.] Princess? Princess? Princess? Ugh! Come on! Bingo! [He stops at a grave stone and starts reading what it says.] "Here lies Princess Beautiful. She was so beautiful." Hey, that's perfect! And sort of macabre. Oh, well. [Finn starts digging up the grave.] Aha! [He reaches the casket and opens it.]
Princess Beautiful: Hi, Finn.
Finn: Ohh!
[Finn moves her skull around checking to see if she has any hair.]
Princess Beautiful: What? What are you -- Please stop.
[Finn climbs out of the hole followed by Princess Beautiful.]
Finn: Where's her hair?!
Princess Beautiful: Thanks, Finn. [Leaves]
[Finn pushes away grass from the bottom of the tombstone so he can read the rest of what it says.]
Finn: "Here lies Princess Beautiful. She was so beautiful, but died of baldness?!" Dang it!
[Scene shifts to the Tree Witch and Jake, who is even deeper in her bottom.]
Tree Witch: [Mumbling to herself] I'm gonna look so beautiful... Invited to all the parties.
Finn: [Arriving] Jake! Jake! I'm sorry, man. Getting princess hair is -- is impossible! They all just think I'm in love with them! Ugh! I can't do it. You're gonna have to spend the rest of your life in this witch's butt.
Jake: Noooo!
Tree Witch: Eh! Quiet down! I'm daydreaming!
Jake: [Whispering] Dude, if they think you like them, then use that. Embrace it! Find the least terrible princess you can, play her some music, cook her a meal, smoove talk her until she likes you. And then get the hair!
Finn: Wait. You mean like go on a date?
Jake: Marry a princess if you need to! Just get her hair! Aaaah!
[Jake's head gets sucked into her butt.]
Finn: Jake!
Jake: [Muffled] Go get the hair!
Finn: Okay! Hold on!
[Scene shifts to the Candy Kingdom.]
Finn: Princess Bubblegum!
[Finn is holding an ax, standing in front of Princess Bubblegum, who is watering her plants.]
Princess Bubblegum: Hi, Finn!
Finn: Uh... I need you to come with me!
Princess Bubblegum: Why? I'm watering right now.
[Finn smacks the water can out of her hand.]
Finn: Just come on. We don't have much time!
[They enter an open spot in the woods with a pot of boiling water in the middle.]
Princess Bubblegum: What is this, Finn?
Finn: We're gonna have a spaghetti dinner.
Princess Bubblegum: Whoa! Really? Where do we sit?
[Finn immediately goes off yelling and chops down a tree.]
Princess Bubblegum: Um, Finn?
[Finn then chops up the tree even more to creates seats for both of them.]
Finn: Put your butt here! Hurry!
Princess Bubblegum: Oh. [She does.]
[Finn pulls a fancy table cloth from his backpack along with silverware, dishes, and a candle and places it all on the stump. He then turns to a ladybug with a violin.]
Finn: Hey, Simon, make it romantic. [He pays him a dollar; Simon starts playing his violin. Finn then goes to the boiling pot of water and pulls the spaghetti out with his bare hands.] Oww! Here, shove this in your mouth! It's hot!
[He drops the spaghetti on the table.]
Princess Bubblegum: Finn, I don't understand--
Finn: Please, Princess! Just stick it in your mouth!
Princess Bubblegum: Well, okay. [Fills her mouth with a big spoonful of spaghetti] [Chomping] You're lucky I love spaghetti!
Finn: Um, Princess... do you like me?
Princess Bubblegum: [Gasps in surprise] Finn, of course I like you.
Finn: Really?
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah!
Finn: Yes! Now give me some of your hair!
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, Finn, that's sweet. Sure, I'll give you some of my hair. [Tears of a piece of her hair] Here. Take it, you cutie.
[Finn jumps on the table knocking everything off.]
Finn: Thank you, Princess Bubblegum!! [Quickly runs away]
Princess Bubblegum: My spaghetti!
[Scene shifts back to the Tree Witch sitting on Jake. It is now dawn.]
Tree Witch: My cat had kittens... and I'm thinking of naming one "Little Whiner." What do you think? Is that a good name?
[Finn appears holding Princess Bubblegum's hair.]
Finn: Totally did it! Genuine princess hair. You hear that, Jake?
Jake: [Muffled] Just give it to her, already!!
Finn: All right, lady, a deal is a deal.
[Finn hands her the hair and she gasps in excitement, but then frowns.]
Tree Witch: Ahh! This isn't hair! It's bubblegum!
Jake: What?!
[Finn takes the hair back and licks it.]
Finn: It is bubblegum!
Tree Witch: Well, I guess you failed. Say goodbye to your dog.
[She clutches her fist and starts pulling what's left of Jake into her bottom.]
Jake: Aaaah!
Finn: WAAIT!
Tree Witch: What?
Finn: If I learned anything today, it's that I'm awesome at talking to ladies! And, lady, you are crazy ugly!
Tree Witch: [The Tree Witch does an almost silent gasp.] Wha-a-a-t?
Jake: Duuuude!
Finn: Having beautiful hair isn't gonna get you anywhere, because you're ugly, inside and out, so ugly I want to throw up.
Jake: Duuuude!
Finn: No one will ever find you beautiful. everrr! And it's got nothing to do with the ol' chrome dome. It has to do with what's in here. [Points to his heart.] Can you get off my friend now?
Jake: [Crying] Du-hu-huuude...
Tree Witch: He's right.
Jake: Huh?
Tree Witch: Well, don't get me wrong. I know I'm ugly. And evil. [She stands up, letting Jake free.] But I thought if I had some beautiful hair, I could learn how to love myself.
[Tree Witch starts to sob.]
Finn: Gee... I feel kind of bad.
Jake: I don't.
Finn: Hey, witch! Does it have to be princess hair?
Tree Witch: No. Just beautiful hair.
Finn: Well then, check this out! [Finn removes his hat, revealing an enormous amount of golden hair that seems to be flowing in the wind.] HA HA-A-A-A-A-A!!!
[Tree Witch and Jake both gasp in awe.]
Tree Witch: You'd really give me your hair?
Finn: Sure!
[A second passes on screen and Finn appears with no hair at all. The Tree Witch is now wearing his hair like a wig.]
Tree Witch: [Excited] So... how do I look?
Finn: Totally beautiful. [He puts his hat back on.] inside and out!
Tree Witch: Thank you, Finn. And now to use my hair for evil.
Finn: [terrified] What?!
Tree Witch: 'Cause I'm evil!! [Evilly laughs] What did you want from me? [She starts to run away but trips on her new hair. She moans in pain.] Ohh -- Oh, no. I think I fractured a branch.
[Finn and Jake both laugh at the Tree Witch until the episode ends.]
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