This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "The Witch's Garden" from season 1, which aired on June 7, 2010.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode begins with a frog carrying a crown walking with Finn and Jake following behind.]
Jake: Dude... how long are we gonna follow this frog?
Finn: I just wanna see 'im put on that crown.
[The frog walks through the bars of a locked gate.]
Finn & Jake: [Running towards the gate] Wooow!
Jake: It looks cool in there!
Finn: [Pointing to lock on gate] Too bad we don't have the key to this.
Jake: What're you talkin' about? [Indicating his legs] I got two keys right here!
[Finn laughs and gets on Jake's back. Jake stretches over the wall of the garden.]
Finn: Whoo-hoo!
[Finn and Jake land inside the garden.]
Jake: Wow! Look at this place!
Finn: Jake. Are these donuts?
Jake: They look like donuts.
Finn: But maybe they're poisonous donuts! [Jake begins sniffing one of the donuts on the bush.] Yeah! Sniff it, Jake! Suck up those toxins!
[Jake sniffs it thoroughly.]
Jake: Wait a second... I don't know what poison smells like.
Witch: Hey! [She strains towards Finn and Jake on her cane.] [Lifting her cane] Razzamafoo!
[She switches places with Finn and Jake.]
Jake: Hey!
Finn: What gives?!
Witch: You ate one of my donuts!
Jake: No, I didn't. I just sniffed it.
Witch: RAAAAAGH!! You're lying! The stink of magic dog lips is everywhere!
Finn: Holy slug, lady! Calm down!
Jake: Listen, Mrs. Witch.
Witch: I never married!
Jake: Well, I never ate your donuts.
Witch: You... you're eating one right now!
Jake: [Mouth full] No, I'm not! [Noticing he is holding a donut] Whoa-hoa! Hm... That's weird... I don't even remember grabbing this. My subconscious must be hungry, huh? Huh... whatever. [Finishes donut]
Witch: [Convulses angrily] MAGICUS NOMORICUS!
Jake: Uh-oh. [Gets blasted]
Finn: AAH! [The magic smoke makes him and Jake cough.] Dude, are you okay?
Jake: Yeah... I think so. Just a little chilly. [Noticing he is in his underwear] WHOA!
Witch: Ahahahahahehehe!
Finn: What did she do to you?
Witch: I stripped him of his magical powers!
Finn: For stealing one of your billions of donuts?!
Jake: Yeah, it's not like I killed your husband or somethin'.
Witch: [Livid] I AM NOT MARRIED!
Finn: The point is you overreacted.
Jake: And what gives? [Pointing to his nipple] I used to have like eight more of these things.
Witch: The only way I'll give back your powers is if you admit your error and say you're sorry and mean it! ...'Cause I can tell the difference.
Jake: Well, you can forget it because you're the one who's wrong! [To Finn] ...Right?
Finn: Total support, dude.
Witch: [Convulsing angrily] RRRRAAAARRGH!! [Waving her cane] Go-backicus-from-whence-you-came-icus!
Finn: Aw, now you're just makin' these up!
[He and Jake disappear.]
Witch: [Rubbing one of the donuts] Are you alright, my... my donut pretties? Heh heh... Wait a second. YOU'RE A BAGEL! LIARS! LIARS EVERYWHERE! [The bagel becomes "stripped." Scene shifts to the Tree Fort.]
Finn: There's gotta be a way to get your powers back! Where'd they come from, anyway? Were you born with them? Or... did you have a freak industrial accident?!
Jake: Ha. That takes me back. Let me just... [deep voice] remember. [A memory bubble appears above his head.] I see a memory. When I was just a pupster... I'm rollin' around in a mud puddle, and I'm just... lovin's it. Oh, no! [The bubble explodes. Jake pants from exhaustion.] Whoo... Remembering is hard work.
Finn: What happened next?!
Jake: Oh. Um... I went into the mud, and... I guess I became a magic dog?
Finn: Okay! Then our course is clear! We'll roll you in every mud puddle in Ooo until we find the one that'll restore your powers.
Jake: [Lying down] That's nuts, man. You got any idea of how many mud puddles are in the land of Ooo? Four? Maybe even five?
Finn: Jake, come on! We've always been lucky, buddy! Maybe the first mud puddle we find will be the right one!
Jake: Nonsense... but I like it!
Finn: [Jumping out window] Then away! Hyuh! Whoo-hoo!
Jake: Yeah, let's do it!
[Finn lands on his feet; Jake lands on his face with a thud.]
Finn: Oh, my gosh!
Jake: I forgot that I don't have magic powers anymore. How do we search for the mud without my powers?
Finn: We run! Run like energetic little boys! [Finn runs quickly away.]
Jake: [To himself] This whole time, I thought running was some sort of... leg magic. [Jake begins trudging along. Before long, he gets tired.] Huh... Look at me. I'm runnin'! [Pants heavily; the camera gets ahead of him as he slows down.] Oh, no... [Thud; camera pans back to Jake.] [Out of breath] Running... is... evil...
Finn: Come on, lazy bones!
Jake: It's too hard!
Finn: I guess you could ride on my backpack.
Jake: [Straining] I can't reach. [Finn bends backwards; Jake grabs on to Finn's neck.] You good, Finn?
Finn: [Choking] You're... strangling me... a little, is all.
[Scene transition to the River of Junk.]
Finn: Look there! Across the River of Junk! There's an ideal mud puddle.
Jake: I'll stretch into a boat! [Strains then farts] I'm startin' to really miss that old magic of mine.
Finn: We can swim this river easy! [Jumps into river] Come on, Jake! [Swims across, leaving Jake behind]
Jake: [To himself] Man, that looks exhausting.
[A projection of Jake's subconscious appears on a piece of furniture in the river.]
Jake's subconscious: You're right, Jake. It is exhausting.
Jake: [Gasp] What are you?!
Jake's subconscious: I'm your subconscious!
Jake: Okay, what are you doing here?
Jake's subconscious: I'm here to tell you that what you're feeling deep down inside is true! It is way too hard to swim across the river. It's easier to wear a hat. [Handing Jake a hat] Here! Have a hat!
Jake: [Donning the hat] Ha ha!
Jake & his subconscious: Yeah-hea-hea-hea! Heh heh!
Jake: Man, I'm glad I met you.
Finn: Jake! Stop talking to yourself! Cross over already!
Jake: Uh, I can't swim that river, dude. My subconscious says it's too hard. Check out this hat, though.
Finn: [Growls] What's wrong with that guy? [To Jake] Then just wait for me there!
[Finn dives down and begins gathering various things. When he grabs a trash can lid, a large eye is uncovered and it opens. Finn re-surfaces and begins building something, mumbling to himself and visibly annoyed. "Ergh, stupid..."]
Jake: Whatcha workin' on, Finn? [Finn continues constructing a catapult from the junk, still mumbling angrily to himself. "... have to do everything!"] Look at you! Doin' stuff! [Finn pulls down the catapult lever.] Oh, is it a chair? [Jake gets on the platform.] A chair for my butt—? [Finn releases the lever, launching Jake all the way to the other side of the river and into the mud puddle.] Mud-venture!
Finn: Did it work?!
Jake: Oh, yeah! I can feel this workin'! In fact, you should roll in the mud with me, Finn! We can both be magic!
Finn: YEAAAAH! [Joins Jake in the mud. They laugh and roll around in it.] This isn't working at all.
Jake: This isn't the right mud. I was just really hopin' this was over and done.
Finn: [Sigh] Okay... Then let's just go find another mud puddle.
Jake: Actually... I'm feeling kinda chubby-tired. Can't we do this tomorrow?
Finn: Agh! This is stupid! Just go back to the witch and apologize and get your powers back!
Jake: Never! I'd rather be powerless forever then apologize! I'm lazy but prideful.
Finn: [Angrily] YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING, MAN! [Knocks Jake's hat off] First, you won't run, [Stuttering] a-and now you keep—and... a-and no matter what, I ju—you...
Jake: Adventuring is too much hard work for a bro without his powers.
Finn: But you are an adventurer.
Jake: Nah, from now on, I'm just your regular old dog. ...Ironic given my current man-baby body.
[Something big emerges from the river; Finn and Jake gasp. A giant pile of junk emerges and a giant living fish skeleton pops out of it.]
Gary: Behold the beautiful mermaid of the river. [Finn retches.] Which one of you mortals wants to mate with [Gesturing over her body] all this? Heh heh heh...
Finn: Oh, um... How do I say, "You're the grossest thing ever," without offending you?
[Gary angrily conjures up a fireball.]
Jake: I'll scare her off, Finn! [Barks at her]
[Gary blasts them but they evade.]
Finn: How do we beat power like that?!
Jake: Finn! I've got an idea!
Finn: What is it, buddy??
Jake: Rub my belly! Yeah, I'm one of those kinda dogs.
[Finn growls angrily.]
Finn: [Charging Gary] YAAAAH!
[Gary evades his attack and spits a black substance on him, knocking him out. Gary cackles.]
Jake: Finn? [Gary takes him to her nest.] Finn! Come on, Finn! You gotta save yourself! I'm just a dog! Aw, man. Oh, geez... Okay. Then I'm back on the team! [Attempts to climb tree] I'll save you!
Finn: Jake? [Giant eggs around him are beginning to hatch.]
Jake: Don't worry! [He fails to climb the tree.] Hey, Finn... Can you help me to get up there?
[The Hatchlings hatch.]
Hatchlings: Hungry! Hungry! Hungry!
Jake: [Desperate noise] If only I had my powers back!
Witch [In Jake's memory]: The only way I'll give back your powers is if—
Jake: I know, I know! I have to apologize to that Witch.
[Scene transition to the Witch's garden. The Witch is planting a cupcake.]
Witch: [To cupcake] Oh, you're doing so well... and I hate you so much!!
Jake: [At gate] Hey! [He's straining to get past the gate, but he's too fat.] Witch! I need my powers back! So I'm sorry! I'm so sorry I ate your donut!
Witch: Razzamafoo.
[Jake appears in front of the Witch.]
Jake: [Straining sounds] ...Oh. [Stops straining] So do I get my powers back?!
Witch: Mmm... Apology denied.
Jake: What?! Why?!
Witch: Because you took too long. Now you have to apologize while doing a variety of humiliating things.
Jake: No way, Jose!
Jake's subconscious: Come on, dude. It's the only way to save Finn.
Witch: Who is that?!
Jake: He's my subconscious.
Witch: Then he has to do it too.
Jake's subconscious: Aw...
[Scene transition. Jake is dancing with his subconscious with flowers in his underwear.]
Jake: I, Jake the dog, while slow-dancing with my subconscious, with flowers in my underwear, do humbly apologize...
Witch: [Starts shooting with video camera] Wait, wait. Start over.
Jake: You're recording this?!
Witch: It's for my newsletter.
Jake: No way. I have my dignity.
Witch: Then guess what, cool guy? You can forget about getting your powers back... EVER!!
Jake: [To his subconscious] Oh, no, dude! What do we do now?
[His subconscious starts coughing and falls over.]
Jake's subconscious: I'm dyin', Jake.
Jake: Wha?!
Witch: Hm. He says he's dying. Let that be a lesson to all you cupcakes. [Trembles] Hah...
Jake: Why are you dying, bro?
Jake's subconscious: Because... I'm the subconscious of your old magical self. [Coughs] Goodbye, Jake...
Jake: No! No! [Starts crying]
Witch: So I've finally broken you.
Jake: Yeah! [Sobs] If only... I were a humbler guy, my subconscious would be alive, and my best bud wouldn't be trapped in a mermaid's nest!
Witch: YES! GLOAT, GLOAT, GLOAT! Alright, I think you've learned your lesson. [Kindly] I forgive you.
[Jake regains his fur.]
Jake: [Magically stretching his arms] My powers! How can I ever thank— [Swipes her magic cane away] Ha! Got your cane!
Witch: WHAAA! OOF! [Falls over] [Jake grabs yet another donut and eats it. His subconscious, now well, gets on his back and they both flee.] But didn't you learn your lesson?!?
Jake: NOPE!!! [He and his subconscious laugh.]
[Scene transition back to the nest. Finn wakes up.]
Hatchlings: Hungry! Hungry!
[Finn screams.]
Gary: Remember to save the brain for dessert.
[The Hatchlings move towards Finn. Finn trembles in terror.]
Jake: Honey, I'm back! How about a big kiss? [Jake kisses her with great force, knocking Gary back into the river.] [To Hatchlings, in a cutesy voice] You guys are so cute! I could just maul you to death!
[The Hatchlings run away.]
Finn: Jake! [Hugs Jake's face] I never should have doubted you!
Jake: Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson: that in a crunch, there's nothin' I wouldn't do for ya.
Finn: Ahhh, so is that how you got your powers back? You apologized to the witch?
Jake: Uh... [Sweats profusely] No way! I must have found the right... mud puddle! Yeah... I don't remember. Heh... eh-heh... [Blabbers lips with relief as the episode ends.]
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