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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "The Great Bird Man" from season 5, which aired on March 4, 2013.

"Real Power"
The Bad Lands
Outskirts of Goblin Kingdom
This transcript is complete.


[Episode starts with Finn and Jake walking in the Bad Lands, looking around until Finn takes out his holo-pendant.]
Finn: Finn to Prubs, come in, Prubs.
Princess Bubblegum: [on holo-pendant] Hey, Finn! How's the mission going?
Finn: So far, no sign of the Bird Man. Why's this guy so dangerous?
Princess Bubblegum: Some say he's a half-man, half-bird that poops fire while he flies. It's all rumors so far. That's why I need you and Jake to find out everything you can about him and report back to me.
Finn: Where are you?
[Scene changes to an underwater place where Princess Bubblegum is diving. Behind her are two mermaids.]
Princess Bubblegum: Under the sea. The mermaids are trying to beach themselves. I came to see why. Turns out they're just lonely. [laughs]
Finn: Maybe I'll go hang out with them after this biz.
Princess Bubblegum: Sounds great, Finn.
[Finn rips the holo-pendant off of his neck.]
Finn: Okay. Bye, PB.
[Finn throws the holo-pendant.]
Princess Bubblegum: Bye!
Jake: C'mon, let's go look for that creep!
[Scene changes to a different area of the Bad Lands desert. We see Finn and Jake walking, looking tired and worn-out, and then falling down. We see the sun opening an eye in its center.]
Finn: Whoa.
[A giant bird flies from where the 'eye' was. It flies towards the two inert boys and covers them, shrouding the screen in darkness. When the black lifts, we see Finn on his side at night in a cave. Water drips down into his mouth. We see a mysterious man pouring it into his mouth.]
Finn: [coughs] Huh? Where am I?
Xergiok: This is the rookery, where I and my bird friends dwell!
Finn: So are you, like, the Great Bird Man?
Xergiok: That's what they call me nowadays. But when I first met you, Finn, and you, Jake, you knew me as [suddenly, Xergiok's voice rises in pitch] Xergiok, the Goblin King!
Finn and Jake: Whaaa—?!
Xergiok: When we first met, I was crazy for smacking goblin hams. I was cruel, selfish, brutal. But every thing changed after I was defeated by the two of you!
Jake: So, you got some sleek new shades, and now everything's different?
Xergiok: Oh, no, my change has been deep. And these whatsits are only curtains for empty windows.
[Xergiok lifts his shades and puts them back repeatedly, revealing vacant eye sockets.]
Finn: Whoa. What happened there?
Xergiok: I miffed off a wizard, and he took my eyes. [His eyes are seen attached to his beard.] I wonder what he wanted them for—some kind of lotion... or potion... or time-traveling spell. I'll never know. Never, ever, never. But losing my eyesight was only the beginning of my wonderful change! I started meditating and doing yoga. Now I can "see" with my heart and smell with my soul.
Jake: You smell with your beard?
Xergiok: I smell with my nose!
Jake: Lame.
[Xergiok inhales deeply and makes a gesture with his hands. He puts the back of them on his forehead and connects them by the joint in his thumb.]
Xergiok: Om.
Finn: What are you doing?
[Scene shows him meditating, and then switches to one of Xergiok's birds, who, when hearing Xergiok's meditation, brays. It then takes flight and lands in the cave where Finn, Jake, and Xergiok are. While it flies, the night turns into day.]
Xergiok: Oh, Taffy! You heard my call! [Xergiok hugs the bird's snout.] Climb aboard, boys. [We see Xergiok on the back of the bird.] Taffy will take us to the lower level, and you can have a bite to eat!
[Finn starts to walk up to him, but Jake stretches him arm to his shoulder. Finn looks down as Jake gives a subtle gesture.]
Finn: Oh, uh, me and Jake will follow you. Jake needs to stretch out and stuff.
Xergiok: Okay, great! Well, follow me!
[Xergiok flies off. Jake walks to the edge of the cave and stretches down, carrying Finn.]
Finn: It's crazy, right?! The way dude's eyeballs are just hangin' there.
Jake: I know! I almost told him 'cause it was driving me nuts!
Finn: Yeah, me too!
Jake: Do you think he's got evil intentions behind his reborn star-child act?
Finn: I don't know. But if he does, I'm gonna find out.
Jake: Yeah, me too.
[Jake hits the bottom of the floor. He stretches to normal size after Finn gets out of Jake. Xergiok walks over to them.]
Xergiok: Nice and cool down here, isn't it? A-ha! Listen to the babies! Num-num time!
[Xergiok walks over to a nest filled with baby birds.]
Jake: Aw, hey, that's cute.
Xergiok: [off-screen:] There you go, little ones. Suckle, suckle!
[Finn and Jake turn toward the audience and give surprised and disgusted looks. We then see Xergiok lying down on the nest.]
Xergiok: They're small, but they sure can take a lot out of you. Whoo! Dizzy. Sometimes feeding really wipes me out. I hope you'll excuse me while I refocus my qi. [He exits.] See you in a while!
Finn: Now's our chance to do some snooping.
[Finn walks over to a small basket, and opens it. Jake pours out a bowl of half-sprouted seeds.]
Finn: Jake! [Finn motions him over towards a small cave.] I found his weapon stash!
Jake: [while picking up a weapon:] Hmm.
Finn: What is it? A fighting stick? A dagger?
[Jake starts to rub the stick.]
Jake: This one's a letter from the hospital.
Finn: You can read those bumps with your fingers?
Jake: Yeah, I learned braille from my ex.
Finn: Your ex was blind?
Jake: Nah, just cool. [reading off of tablet:] "Dear Xergiok, thank you so much for your donation. The kidneys fit great." [stops reading] Well, geez, maybe he has changed his ways!
Finn: Maybe. Let's keep looking.
[Jake nods his head.]
[Scene changes to a different cave. There is a giant sleeping bird in there. Finn and Jake try to walk stealthily in, but they trip.]
Finn: [while falling:] Doy!
[Finn falls onto the bird's butt. The bird cries out and blushes. It then flies away. It hits its head on a stalactite, and falls down to the ground, unconscious.]
Finn: Oh!
[The stalactite breaks off from the ceiling and falls onto the bird's legs. The bird lets out a wail.]
Finn and Jake: Oh, crease!
[We see Xergiok clutching his head while yellow lines emit from it.]
Xergiok: Psychic links! Cardamom, my friend, I'm coming! I'm com— [Xergiok falls from the hill he was sitting on. He lets out pained noises as he falls.] Mother of Gob! Hold on, Cardy! [Finn and Jake hide in the shadows.] Okay, here I am, buddy. Ol' Xergy's here. [Xergiok lifts the once-stalactite off of Cardamom's legs and grunts.] Let's see now— [Xergiok feels his legs.] Aw, dang! [Xergiok gasps and then emits a low moan. Yellow lines emit from his head. Cardamom's leg starts twitching. We see Xergiok again, and then when we see Cardamom's leg once more, it is green and human-like, ending in a foot.]
Finn: Wha—?
Jake: Shush, child!
Xergiok: Ah, Finn and Jake, you are here!
Finn: Where'd you learn that heal spell?
Xergiok: I use no magic. I manipulated space with a vibrational chant. You see, now the injury has transferred to me! [Xergiok lifts his leg, which is now Cardamom's broken leg.] Ooh, yeah, that hurts, baby! Whoo! Can't you see, Jake? I love these birds more than I love myself. What am I to the deafening roar of the macro-cosmos? Nothing much. Just a vessel to carry the message of friendship to y'all beasts and dirt!
Finn: Dirt?
Xergiok: Yeah, look! [Xergiok picks up two handfuls of dirt.] Hello, friends! Go for a ride!
Finn: Listen, man. About your eyes.
Xergiok: Yes, a wizard stole them.
Finn: Alright, but not— [Jake turns Finn to have a semi-private conversation with him.]
Jake: Finn! What are you doing, man?
Finn: Dude, he's changed!
Jake: Are you sure?
Finn: Uh, yeah, man. Isn't it kind of obvi?
Jake: Alright, tell him.
Xergiok: Tell me what?
Jake: Your eyes weren't stolen by a wizard. They're in your beard.
Xergiok: Alright. Oh, where are they? [Xergiok puts his hands on his beard and rubs through all the parts besides where his eyes are.]
Finn: Dude, your eyes are in your beard.
Xergiok: A-ha, what? Good job, guys. Goofin' on the blind guy—real nice!
Finn: No, man, they're right here. [Finn takes Xergiok's hand and puts them on his eyes. Xergiok pulls where Finn guided him, pulling out his eyes.]
Xergiok: What my life?!
Finn: We didn't tell you 'cause we thought you might still be a wong lord!
Xergiok: And these aren't grapes, right?
Finn: No, man.
Xergiok: Hmm. Finn and Jake, could you help me onto Cardamom's back? I would like to be high in the clouds, bathed in the pinks and the blues of the desert twilight, when I restore my sight.
Jake: Sure, okay. [Jake grabs Xergiok and stretches him up onto Cardamom's back.]
Xergiok: Climb aboard! Vanilla! Chocolat! Cinnamon! Agave! All my friends, to the sky!
[Cardamom flies out out the sky, along with all of the other birds. When they are above the clouds, Xergiok takes off his shades and puts his eyes back in.]
Xergiok: [Xergiok sings Real Power:]
Far, far above,
Time standing still,
Memories are One,
Same space, same will.
Now move along,
Light speed divides,
Rips all from One
It blows my eye-holes
and fills me with real POW-ER,
fills me with real POW-ER,
Finn: How's it feel, man?
Xergiok: Oh, yeah, it's overwhelming. This view takes me back. I always loved the sunset. And the silhouettes of my little goblins lined up to receive their spankings! [Xergiok chuckles.] Well, the past is the past. I wanna thank you guys for finding my eyes. I don't know where I got that idea about the wizard!
Jake: You were in the desert a long time, man.
Xergiok: Yes, twenty years.
Jake: Nah, it was more like one year and change, dude.
Xergiok: Yes, things certainly have changed for me in that time. Say, who's ruling the uh, Goblin Kingdom since I left?
Jake: Whisper Dan.
Xergiok: Oh, Whisper Dan! That's cool. Cool, cool. Hey, you guys wanna ride back to your crib?
Finn: Yeah, sure, man.
[The birds fly towards green pastures. Finn and Jake hop off of the birds. They start to run forward, but then stop.]
Jake: Uh, wait. Xergiok, this is the Goblin Kingdom.
Xergiok: I know, but I was thinking—now that I'm wiser, I could rule as king again!
Finn: That idea is terrible.
Xergiok: Well, you know, I disagree! And I have my army of bird friends, so anyone who disagrees with me should get a [yells:] SPANKING! [laughs maniacally]
[Scene pans up to the top of the Goblin Kingdom, where two guards look at Finn, Jake, Xergiok, and his army of birds.]
Goblin Guard 1: Hey, Jeff, is that your real laugh? [chuckles to himself]
Goblin Guard 2 (Jeff): No, it's Xergiok.
Goblin Guard 1: Oh, Glob! [Goblin Guard 1 spills the coffee he was drinking on Jeff's head in surprise. Jeff screams in pain.]
[Scene goes back down to Xergiok, Finn, Jake, and the bird army.]
[Xergiok makes a meditating noise as yellow lines emit from his head. Jake's leg starts to vibrate. It turns into Cardamom's broken foot.]
Jake: Oh, dang! [Jake yells in pain.]
Xergiok: [while stretching the leg he stole from Jake:] Oh, yeah, baby!
Finn: Come on, man. Are you for real?
Xergiok: Attack, birds, attack! Where's the butt on this thing? [Xergiok looks at Cardamom's giant snout.] That sort of looks like a butt! [Xergiok starts spanking it.] Yeah! [Xergiok laughs.] You like that? Huh?! [Cardamom rears him off his back.] Whoa!
[Cardamom gives Xergiok a sad look.]
Xergiok: Wait! Cardamom! Nougat! Stevia! Dang!
Jake: You lost your friends, dude.
Xergiok: Yeah, I feel myself hitting bottom again. Yup, okay, here we go. [Xergiok starts crying and whimpering. He switches back Jake's broken bird leg for his actual stretchy leg. He takes out his eyes and hands them to Finn.]
Xergiok: Here, Finn. Take my eyes and bury them forever. I will not need them again.
Finn: Okay, man. [Finn puts his eyes back on his beard where they were before.]
Xergiok: [while walking away:] Thanks.
Jake: Are you gonna be alright, man?
Xergiok: It's cool.
Finn and Jake: Bye!
Finn: Dude, that sucks. I hope he finds peace, or something.
[Scene pans up to the goblin guards.]
Goblin Guard 2 (Jeff): He's going to the reservoir! [We see Xergiok walking towards a large body of water.]
Goblin Guard 1: Um, why is he doin' that?
Goblin Guard 2 (Jeff): Maybe he's thirsty. [Xergiok walks into the water.] Oops, I guess he was just sad.
Finn: Should we save him?
Jake: Nah, man, he's fine.
[We see Xergiok rise out of the water and start circling around. He yells with joy.]
Finn: What the—?
Xergiok: I found a girlfriend! [Xergiok is shown riding a mermaid.] I'm in love! Woo!
[The mermaid sings a few notes.]

Episode ends.