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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "The First Investigation" from season 10, which aired on December 17, 2017.

This transcript is complete (needs proofreading).


[The episode opens in the Tree House. Finn, Jake, and Kim Kil Whan are sat in silence for an awkward amount of time.]
Kim Kil Whan: [Clears throat] Okay, so here's what happened. I had sent my top employee, Rennie Hamlin, to check on one of my properties...
[A flashback begins. Kil Whan is on the phone to Rennie.]
Rennie: Okay, boss, I'm here now.
Kim Kil Whan: [Narrating] ...Joshua and Margaret Investigations!
Rennie: Yep, there's definitely been a break-in.
Kim Kil Whan: Check out the damage. I'll call you back in thirty seconds.
[He hangs up. Rennie approaches the property and enters through the front door. A few seconds later, he emerges looking mortified. His phone rings.]
Kim Kil Whan: [Over the phone] Rennie?
Rennie: [Stammering incoherently.]
[The flashback ends and cuts back to the Tree House.]
Kim Kil Whan: And he's been like this ever since.
[Kim Kil Whan teleports Rennie into the room, where he is still stammering from whatever frightened him. He is teleported away again.]
Finn: Poor guy.
Kim Kil Whan: Something terrifying has taken residence in Joshua and Margaret's old office, and it's not paying rent. So I want you guys to find out what it is and get it out.
Jake: Yes, sir, son!
Kim Kil Whan: You have one hour! Bye, dad. [He teleports out.]
Jake: I wonder what it could be.
Finn: Maybe it's a gross rotting fish gob with long, slimy tentacles.
Jake: Maybe it's a teenage silverware werewolf squatter.
Finn: Hey, you know what it could be? It could be a ghost. I think I saw a ghost there when I was a baby. Maybe it's like a ghost hotspot.
Jake: Ghosts, huh? Whoa, wait! What if it's...
Finn and Jake: [Together] Ghost Mom and Dad!
Finn: I have to brush my hair!
Jake: I'll go get tulips for Mom!
[The scene changes. Finn and Jake approach the old office. Finn is wearing a tie over his regular clothes, and Jake has some flowers.]
Jake: Man, I've never been this excited about ghosts before.
Finn: This could be one more chance to tell Mom and Dad how much we love them.
Jake: And show 'em that their kids are awesome.
[They high five, then enter.]
Jake: Hello? Ghosts? If you're in here, please vacate my son's property!
Finn: Unless you're Mom and Dad ghosts!
Jake: Yeah, in that case, I brought flowers!
Finn: Look. There's the broken window. But I don't see any signs of squatters... or ghosts.
Jake: [Pots the flowers] I'll sniff 'em out. [Sniffing]
Finn: Hey Jake, why don't we own this place?
Jake: I dunno. Kim Kil Whan is a good businessman. Plus I'd feel kinda weird dealing with this stuff.
Finn: Yeah. Just looking at all this is like, "Whoa, memories!" Like this ticker tape machine. Remember when Mom and Dad brought us to work and we made a fort of ticker tape?
Jake: It was right over there! And over here you gave me a wet willie one time.
Finn: Ew. No I didn't.
Jake: Right. I know you believe that's true, but memories distort over time. Classic false memory syndrome.
Finn: Maybe you're the one with a false memory syndrome.
Jake: Classic false memory syndrome response.
[They hear a ticking sound.]
Finn: You hear that? Can you use your dog powers to locate that sound?
Jake: [With enlarged ears] Way ahead of you, pal. Uh... over there! [He runs over to the bathroom and barges in.] Aha! [There's nothing there, and the ticking has stopped.]
Finn: Anything?
Jake: Nope. This is a nice bathroom, though. Man, this whole office is nice. It's kinda bunk how Mom and Dad stopped using it.
Finn: Yeah, it's weird that they had this whole other life, and they just dropped it for us babies.
Jake: We were babies forever.
Finn: Man, we suck.
Jake: [Exiting the bathroom] Yeah, but they knew what they were getting into. Whoa! Who moved the sofa? Who put forth those chairs?! Who set the table?! What's going on?!
Finn: This griz is poltergeist biz.
Jake: But I don't want that.
Finn: Embrace the paranormal, bro. [Examining the candles on the dining table] Are these candles real or poltergeist mind-tricks?
Jake: Look!
[A video tape on the bookshelf rattles and falls to the ground.]
Finn and Jake: [Together] Poltergeist!
[The scene changes. Finn and Jake have found a video player and are watching the tape. The video begins, revealing Joshua. Behind the camera is Margaret.]
Margaret: Ooh, goody. It's on now, dear.
Joshua: Well done, Margaret, love.
Finn and Jake: [Together] Dad!
Joshua: Hello, future people. I'm Joshua of Joshua and Margaret Investigations, and behind the camera you have my lovely wife and partner, Margaret.
Margaret: Hello.
Joshua: We're making this tape to document the strange phenomena in our new office. Like this weird message spelled out in- [Joshua accidentally tramples the message.] Oh, applesauce.
Margaret: You've really stepped in it now, darling.
Joshua: Indubitably. But something is definitely trying to chat us up, and we're gonna catch it on film. I got this fancy ghost-hunting doohickey. It's supposed to record EVPs and such. [The ticking is heard, and Joshua gasps. A ghostly silhouette appears behind him.]
Margaret: Gracious, there it is!
Joshua: Margaret! Margaret! There's another one over here!
[Another ghost charges out of the bathroom and throws a chair into the camera. Margaret screams and the video cuts out.]
Finn: Dude! This place is full of ghosts! We should split up and see if we can get them to appear.
Jake: I'll take the bathroom!
Finn: That's the spirit. Hmm. "Spirit."
[The sun sets and the scene turns to night.]
Finn: Maybe Mom and Dad left some books about ghost hunting. Hmm. [He examines some of the books on the shelf, then hears the ticking again. A ghost appears from around the corner.]
Finn: [Gasps] A ghost! [The ghost fades away.] It seems like the ticking precedes each ghost encounter. Okay, Finn, what ticks? Metronomes, bombs, pencils...
[Cut to the bathroom, where Jake is cowering in fear, his teeth chattering.]
Jake: The bathroom is a lot scarier than I was expecting.
[The ticking is heard, and then a ghost barges into the bathroom in the same manner that Jake did earlier. Jake screams, then the scene cuts back to Finn.]
Finn: ...hearts, egg timers, typewriters.
[Jake runs through the room and throws the chairs out of his way, just like the ghost on the tape.]
Finn: What else? [The ticking is heard, and three small ghosts appear next to Finn.] Whoa, lil' ghost babies! Wait, that's baby Jermaine! And baby Jake! And baby me!
Baby Jake: Babababa!
[Baby Jake hits Baby Finn playfully and giggles.]
Finn: [Chuckles] Oh yeah?
[Current Finn gives Baby Jake a wet willie.]
Baby Jake: Oh! Yip! Yip! Yip! Yip!
Finn: [Laughs] Oh, snap. I guess it was me. Hold on. These babies ain't ghoulish ghosts at all. They're like time... Hmm.
[The scene changes. Jake emerges from the kitchen, with a makeshift suit of armor made of frying pans.]
Jake: Scared? No way! I'm primitive! I'm real! Ghosts, you can't touch this dog! You've got ethereal hands! I'm alive! I'm filled with hot blood! You'll never see through me! [He bursts into the bathroom again.] Gotcha, ghoul!
[Instead of the same bathroom as before, the room is instead furnished with futuristic decor. A mole man is sat on a sci-fi toilet reading a newspaper.]
Mole Man: Pardon?
Jake: Aah! Oh, sorry for interrupting your poop. [Jake exits, takes a second to process what he just saw, and then re-enters with his eyes covered.] Hey, sorry again, man, but I have a qu- [Gasps]
[The design of the room has changed again, this time to contain fancy nineteenth century decor. A human woman in a dress is powdering her face.]
Woman: [Screams]
Jake: [Screams and exits again.] I gotta get out of here! No, Jake. You gotta stay for your boy Kim Kil Whan. Ghost! Quit freeloading off my son! [Barging into the bathroom one more time.] That's a father's job. [The bathroom is back to normal, but Jake hears Joshua's voice from the window.]
Joshua: [Strained] Margaret, stay away!
Jake: Huh? [He looks out the window.]
Joshua: Something's about to happen!
Jake: Dad?
[The scene cuts back to Finn and the babies.]
Finn: So, I can see you, and you can see me. And we're occupying the same space now. So this time stuff must be getting more intense. [The shape-shifter appears at the window.] Whoa!
Baby Jake: [Straining] [Farts loudly, his diaper sagging downward] [Sighs with relief]
Finn: [Sniffs the air] [Holds Baby Jake away] Aw, dude! You couldn't wait until you were back in your own time?
[The shape-shifter stares inside at Baby Jake and exhales on the glass.]
Finn: Hey, creeper, stop creepin' on baby Jake! [The shape-shifter exits, and the babies disappear.] Baby Jake?
Jake: [Enters] Finn! I'm freaking out, man! I just saw the most messed-up thing!
[A flashback begins. Jake is at the window, looking out at his parents in the alleyway. It is a repeat of Jake's birth, as previously seen in "Joshua and Margaret Investigations".]
Jake: Dad?
Joshua: Margaret, stay away! Something's about to happen!
Margaret: Something's about to happen with me, too!
Joshua: Margaret! Aah! [His head swells and pops.] Yowzas!
Baby Jake: [Singing] Hello, Daddy! Hello, Mommy! It's so nice to be here with you now!
[The flashback ends.]
Jake: That's so not how I was birthed! I'm no melon baby! I'm a majestic womb baby!
Finn: Jake, calm down.
Jake: I'm gonna go hog-wild on the next ghost I see!
[The scene of Rennie Hamlin approaching the office is seen again. He enters through the front door.]
Rennie: Boy, do I love real estate!
[A ticking begins, and Jake from the future appears as a ghost to Rennie, who is a ghost himself from Jake's perspective. Jake gasps and shape-shifts into a screaming tentacle monster. Rennie screams and becomes petrified, as seen earlier.]
Jake: Aah! [He exits.]
[Rennie leaves through the front door again. His phone rings.]
Kim Kil Whan: [Over the phone] Rennie?
Rennie: [Stammering incoherently.]
[The scene cuts back to Finn and Jake in the present.]
Jake: We're trapped in a ghost trap!
Finn: Relax, bro. There's no ghosts. What we're experiencing are time slips. Point is, something is causing this.
[There is a ticking and a shattering sound as an unknown time ghost breaks the window and enters the house. It climbs into the attic.]
Finn: You ready?
[Jake looks uneasy, and holds Finn's hand. They follow the time ghost into the attic. They see three ghosts there, and there is a constant ticking.]
Finn: Time dingalings! Wait, that ticking. I know who this is! [He and Jake walk over to the ghosts, where they take the place of two of them; their future selves. The third ghost resolves, and is revealed to be Clock Bear.] Clock Bear!
Jake: One of the dudes that escaped Dr. Gross' menagerie.
Finn: He must be the one causing the time slips. There's us from before. [He points to the attic's entrance hatch, where their past selves are climbing up.]
Clock Bear: [Groans]
Finn: Are you sick?
Jake: Yeah, I'm pretty disgusted with the whole situation!
Finn: I meant Clock Bear.
[Clock Bear groans again and falls onto his stomach. His winding key stops moving. The ticking stops. Finn hesitates, and then begins winding him up again. All of the time ghosts in the house begin to be sucked back into Clock Bear's mechanisms. There is a sound of rushing wind and the constant ticking of clockwork.]
Finn: [Shouting over the noise] He's sucking up all the spilled time!
Jake: That doesn't sound scientific!
Finn: [Gasps] Jake, take care of Clock Bear. There's something I gotta do!
Jake: Wait, I'm still confused! And having feelings!
[Finn rushes downstairs to the ticker tape machine. He takes a length of tape and begins arranging it on the floor. The scene changes to show Joshua and Margaret in the same room, in the past. Margaret has lain the table and is putting forth the chairs. Joshua spots the tape arranging itself.]
Joshua: Oh boy, our first case! Looks like we have a poltergeist! [The tape spells out "I love u".] And it's got a little crush on me. What a sassafrass! Gotta get this one tape! [As he reaches for the tape on the bookshelf, he causes it to rattle and fall to the ground.] Whoops!
[The scene changes back to the present once more. Jake, alone, enters the alleyway where he saw himself being born moments ago.]
Jake: If this was all time weirdness, I guess that memory was true. I did see my own birth. Far out. [Jake suddenly notices that the shape-shifter is standing right next to him.] Oh! Must be a leftover time ghost. [The shape-shifter touches Jake's shoulder and he turns blue.] Hmm.
Shape-shifter: We have to leave!
Jake: We're doin' what now?
[The scene changes. Finn is stood at the front of the house with Clock Bear, talking on the phone.]
Finn: It was just Clock Bear... No, I don't think he has any money. [Finn hears something happening in the alleyway and hangs up.] Jake? Jake! [He enters the alleyway.] Oh, no! Something's happened to Jake! He could be in grave dang- [He spots a note on the ground. It reads "BRB -Jake".] ...Okay, then.

Episode ends