Adventure Time Wiki
Adventure Time Wiki

This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "The Empress Eyes" from season 7, which aired on November 17, 2015.

This transcript is complete.


[In the Ice Kingdom, Ice King is snoring and muttering in his sleep.]
Ice King: Una—[snorts] unacceptable. Mm... un-unacceptable. Unaccepta—aah! [wakes up] Lemons! Whew! Mm.
[The sound of light footsteps is heard.]
Ice King: Gunter? Y-you having a bad dream? Gunter?
[Footprints approach his bed.]
Ice King: Oh, my Glob. [breathes heavily]
[The footprints stop beside his bed. The Empress reveals herself.]
Empress: Hello, Simon.
Ice King: [screams] Oh, lady! Hi.
Empress: Wait, you don't remember me?
Ice King: Oh, man. I'm so sorry. I stalk a lot of ladies. Were you at Shelby's barbecue?
Empress: Huh. Looks like you've lost it all the way. You've crossed the valley of tears and come out the other side but a shadow.
Ice King: Oh, thanks.
Empress: Well, all the better for you to... [leans in] submit.
Ice King: I like where this is going.
Empress: Don't resist.
[The snake coiled around her neck slithers up above her head and flicks its tongue. Ice King smooches the air, but stops when he sees the snake. The snake lifts the veil from over The Empress's eyes. She opens them and begins hypnotizing.]
Empress: Sell your spirit to the skies. Surrender to The Empress eyes.
[Ice King's eyes turn purple. He slumps over. The Empress snaps her fingers, and he jerks upright.]
Ice King: Empress, my darling! My great eternal love! How can I serve you?
Empress: [slaps Ice King's hands away] Bring me blood.
Ice King: At once! [jumps out of bed]
[A group of penguins are playing cards.]
Ice King: Alley-oop! [scoops up an armful of penguins]
Penguin: [tosses hand aside] Wenk-wenk!
[The penguin jumps onto the pot of fish. The other penguins clap.]
Empress: [reading Ice King's diary and laughing] Oh, this is so sad.
Ice King: Here you go, my love.
Empress: What's this? Don't you have any human?
Ice King: Humans? Well, Finn's the only human around here. Try a penguin. [squeezes it]
Penguin: Wenk!
Empress: Ugh. [takes it]
Ice King: You know, Empress is a kind of penguin, and your name is Empress. That's kind of cool, right?
Empress: [bites penguin, then immediately tosses it aside] Bleh. Tastes like cheese water. Where's the top-drawer stuff?
Ice King: Oh, uh, don't be like that, Honey-poo. I'll fix it. I'll do anything for you.
Empress: Bring me the blood of Finn!
Ice King: Okay.
Empress: Oh, look. I've gotten to my bit. "Today I met a super-pretty cyclops lady with fangs. She told me to eat a fat boulder, and I did it." Ha! I'd forgotten that one.
Marceline: The Empress!
Jake: Vampiyah, I'm gonna kick yah Vampiyah, I'm gonna lick yah Vampiyah Aah! Uh-oh. It's P.B.'s outside clock!
Finn: Ahh. You did a tremendous job guarding the cabin, Jake. But it looks like you need to be relieved.
Jake: Yeah, I need relief. P.B. still working on new vampire-busting gear?
Finn: Yeah, but she's almost done. No sign of Marceline, though. I think she ditched us to fight the vampires by herself. Solo-style. We'll go look for her after P.B.'s device is up and running. So, how did you pass the time?
Jake: Patted my laps and made some rhymes. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop
Finn: Is that P.B.'s outside clock? Looks like it's been staked. What did you do?
Jake: I heard a loud snap, and my vampire-hunting reflexes kicked in!
Finn: Dude, that was her Uncle Gumbald's outside clock.
Jake: Yeeegh! She doesn't have to know I broke the clock. Let's blame it on the vampires! Or we can hide it! Whoo! Problem solved? Yeah? Whooop!
Ice King: Snap!
Finn: Aaah! What was that?! Vampiyah! Aah! Aah! Hyah! Hah!
Ice King: Snap, snap, snapping branches for fun
Empress: Oh, ho, ho, this is riveting. "The Empress is so nice. Today she let me polish her boots with my tongue. That's almost like kissing, right?"
Ice King: Hey! Who's my hunny bunny?!
Marceline: Simon!
Empress: Marceline!
Marceline: What has she done to you? Did she bite you?!
Ice King: Hey, calm down. You're destroying the mood. I'm trying to get her to bite me later.
Empress: Minion! Honestly, I'm standing right here as you collude against me with my sworn enemy. It's a bit rude.
Ice King: Sorry.
Finn: Eh! Stake! Yeah!
Marceline: Finn?
Finn: I got your back, Marceline! Ha! Huh?
Empress: Ow. How dare you stake my back?
Finn: I was aiming for your heart!
Empress: Ice King, bind the interlopers in ice.
Ice King: Heh.
Ice King: Let's keep it down, huh? My baby's resting.
Finn: Aaaaaah! No way! Waaaaaaah!
Ice King: Shush!
Marceline: Simon, you have to resist the Empress!
Ice King: But she's a woman. Aha! Ohh.
Marceline: She's a vampire! I hunt vampires because of you!
Ice King: Because of me?
Marceline: [Sings "Remembering Memories"] Staking vampires, protecting the last remaining humans, it felt like I was protecting you. It was the only thing that brought me happiness during those years.
Ice King: Oh, Marceline! [Crying]
Marceline: Simon? A-are you remembering?
Ice King: Pa-chazz!
Finn: Shmowzow.
Marceline: Please, Simon! Remember our history!
Ice King: Our what now?
[Marceline crying and Empress appears]
Empress: Oh, Marceline. I heard everything. I was invisible. All your tiresome mortal emotions, they'll all be over soon. [to Ice King] Minion, I order you to kill Marceline.
Ice King: Whaaa?? No way! She's my pal!
Empress: Are you disobeying me?
Ice King: Hey, it's called real talking.
Empress: and you still can't get anything right, can you?
Finn: Here's our chance!
Ice King: Please, baby, don't say that.
Empress: You're my thrall.
Ice King: I am enthralled by you!
Marceline: You distract the Empress.
Marceline: Squeeze!
Ice King: Yaaaah!
Empress: Ha!
Marceline: No!
Ice King: Heuk!
Empress: Drat. Aaaaaaaah!
Marceline: You got this comin'.
Ice King: No!
Marceline: Simon, what are you doing?
Ice King: Let me go! If you want to hurt my lady, you'll have to go through me!
Marceline: Uuuuuugh!
Empress: Now, Oaf! Kill her!
Ice King: Sweetie, there's no need to raise your voice.
Empress: What?! Okay, that's it. Turn and look at me.
Ice King: Oh! Are we gonna gaze into each other's eyes again?
Empress: You must fall deeper under my spell. Sell your spirit to the skies.
Ice King: I can see myself in your pupils. Hee-hee.
Empress: You're not even hypnotized. At all.
Ice King: Them gigantic sparkly orbs of yours could hypnotize an earclops.
Empress: So, you're not.
Ice King: Eh-heh, no.
Empress: You're stupid donkey
Ice King: B-but honey, wh-why you being so mean to me?
Empress: Because you're too thick to even fall under my spell. And you got no class.
Ice King: Oh, so you're doing that? You're gonna start name-calling? You want to play the blame game?! Okay! Well, if you weren't so perfect and and pretty and statuesque and and
Finn: Come on, Simon. It's over. [Ice King crying] It's gonna be okay, man. Nope, nope. This way. This way. Come on, let's get you some ice cream.
Marceline: That's the last time you're gonna toy with his heart.
Empress: Psht! If you really cared about him, why'd you let him degenerate into this pathetic clown character? He used to have more of a silver-fox thing going on, with his hair and those cute glasses. He was happier then, you know. When he was serving me.
Marceline: Aaaaaaah!
Empress: Dang, girl.
Marceline: Aaah! Aaah! Aah! Gah!
Empress: Open those peepers!
Marceline: Eat a stake! Huhn No!
Empress: Ugh! I don't understand this.
Princess Bubblegum: Marceline! Yeah, you're welcome! Hunh Um Marceline?
Marceline: All right. I shouldn't have tried to go it alone with the vamps. From now on, we'll do this team-up style.
Princess Bubblegum: Okay, team. You're still invisible.
Marceline: Oh! Heh whoops.
Jake: Oh!
Marceline: Hm.

Episode Ends