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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "The Diary" from season 6, which aired on February 26, 2015.

Lady Rainicorn
Old Sassy Man
Music Box Salesman
Justin Rockcandy (imagined)
Taffi (imagined)
Mochi (imagined)
Nurse Pound Cake
Dr. Ice Cream
This transcript is complete.


[In Lady Rainicorn's house, T.V. is playing a computer game. Jake and Lady Rainicorn are in the loft.]
Lady Rainicorn: [Sighs.] 나 정말 TV 걱정되네. 쟤는 밖에 절대 안 나가잖아. (I'm really worried about T.V. You know, he never leaves home.)
Jake: Aw, don't worry about him. It's good to be passionate about your hobbies.
Lady Rainicorn: 으유, 몰라, 난 싫어. 쟨 밖에 나가서 찬 공기 좀 쐬야 돼. (Ugh, I don't know, I don't like it. He really needs some fresh air.)
Jake: Yo, T.V.! Get me a chocolate bar!
T.V.: Okay.
[T.V. gets up, drops his headphones on the floor and leaves.]
Jake: Attaboy!
[Outside, T.V. is walking through a forest.]
T.V.: Ah!
Old Sassy Man: Hello, young man!
[T.V. teleports away.]
Old Man: [Disappointed,] Oh.
T.V.: Psych.
[T.V. reappears outside the Candy Kingdom. He climbs down into a drained moat and walks under the bridge.]
T.V.: Delicious chocolate bridge...
[T.V. grunts as he pulls at a loose brick. He falls in a puddle of chocolate when it comes free.]
T.V.: Yeuch. Huh?
[In front of him is a book in a sealed plastic bag with "Diary" written on the cover. T.V. takes the book out of its bag and opens it to the first page.]
T.V.: [Reading,] This diary belongs to B.P. Private property. [Turns the page.] If you're stilling reading this, you're a bad person. [Stops reading.] Uh... statute of limitations.
[T.V. turns another page and continues reading. As he reads he wanders the plains, stopping to sit and each the chocolate bar.]
B.P. [voiceover]: Dear diary. Wow. I sound like a real cornball. Oh, well. Dear diary! Mom is going to love you. She's always ragging about me spending too much time with my nose in books. I wonder what I'm going to write in you. What kind of person will I be when I get to your last page? Will I have my braces off? Will I have written a song that doesn't totally suck? Will I have met a cool guy? ...I can barely look at dudes without breaking out into hives. ...Just another day in teenage purgatory, AKA the school caf. Sloppy joes again. ...Boys I did not talk to today: Brownie Guy...
[Lines begin to overlap, indicating different entries.]
Are they trying to kill us? ...Stayed in and tried to cut my bangs. ...Ruffles, Brian, Pennycandy Guy... Mom says it looks like I got in a fight with a snapping turtle. ...Taffi and Mochi are the coolest girls at school. When I think about them, my skin feels sparkly. They don't even know I exist. Why would they? I'm a nobody. Less than nobody. I'm a pimple on the butt of a—
T.V.: Geez, B.P... Prone to dramatics much?
[Night has fallen, and T.V. reads the diary on his way back home while eating the last of the chocolate bar. Doodles from the diary begin to float around.]
B.P. [voiceover]: The Fire Kingdom has officially frozen over. Justin Rockcandy asked me to the semi-formal!
T.V.: Oh my Glob.
[Lines from the diary echo and overlap again.]
B.P. [voiceover]: Justin... Justin is taking me to the Fructose Fair... Justin... Justin wants to go on the rollercoaster... Kissing is fun and easy, if I don't think about the bacteria in spit teeming, multiplying... Diary, can you keep a secret? ...Justin! ...Justin... Hive of bees in my head, get out! ...Mother, I'm not going to tell you again! ...Lies, lies, lies! ...Diary, it's my birthday tomorrow, but I don't feel like celebrating. I feel like screaming.
[T.V. reads the book by the lamp-light on his desk. He turns the page.]
B.P. [voiceover]: Justin wants to meet at Love Tree Point. Says he wants to give me a present. I should tell him. I need to tell him. I will tell him!
[T.V. turns the page to find the next few pages have been torn out of the book.]
T.V.: [Gasps.] Tell him what? [Puts the book down.] Uuuuuugh!
[Morning now, the scene opens on Lady Rainicorn frying eggs and wearing a white apron. Jake is sitting at the table.]
Lady Rainicorn: TV! 아침밥!(Breakfast!)
T.V.: Not hungs. [Grabs an apple from a bowl on the counter.] Heading out for a bit.
Lady Rainicorn: 쟤좀봐! (Look at him!)
Jake: [Preparing to eat,] There you go, just need a little push from the old man. [Coughs.]
[Back at the chocolate bridge, T.V. carries the diary with him into the drained moat.]
T.V.: I gotta get into the mind of this kid. [Opens the diary.] Roleplay.
[Pretends he is B.P., T.V. starts pretending to rip pages out of diary.]
T.V.: Rip, rip! [Pretends to throw the diary.] Ahh! Sploosh! My secret is safe at the bottom of this disgusting moat.
[T.V. turns around, pretending to be Justin talking to B.P.]
T.V.: [As Justin] Oh, B.P., what have you done?
T.V.: [As B.P.] I'm sick of the lies. Sick, sick, sick!
[A candy child starts to watch T.V.'s roleplaying from the bridge for a second, then the child's parent pulls them away. T.V. doesn't see them.]
T.V.: [As Justin] Uh, babe, I said I'm sorry?
T.V.: [As B.P.] You don't know me. Nobody knows me, leave me alone!
[T.V. watches as the rose on the front of the diary flies away. The diary turns into a Sloppy Joe in his hands and he glares down at it.]
T.V.: I hate Sloppy Joes!
[The scenery around T.V. washes away and shows him sitting on a graffitied rollercoaster marked "BP." The rollercoaster flies off a ramp and falls into a moat with a chocolate bridge above it. T.V. surfaces, gasping for air.
T.V.: Yuck.
[Taffi and Mochi, gigantic, emerge from the moat.]
T.V.: Taffi? Mochi!
Taffi: Hey Moch'! Is that the new Nosy Nellies bootleg 7-inch?
T.V.: [Barely audible,] Taffi, Mochi, down here!
Mochi: I ordered it from this dude in Lumpy Space.
Taffi: Is it insane?
Mochi: It's almost too insane.
Taffi: Wicked.
[T.V. coughs and splashes desperately before sinking below the water. There's a gurgle, then a giant Justin Rockcandy rises from the moat with T.V. on top of his head.]
Justin: Hiya B.P.! What's up?
T.V.: Justin?
Justin: Guilty as charged. [He picks T.V. up by his backpack and sets him in his other hand.] You psyched for your birthday, birthday girl? Don't forget about our little rendezvous at Love Tree Point, huh? I can't wait for you to see your prezzie. You're gonna be there, right? Please say yes! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!
[T.V. screams, and the scene fades to black.]
[Back in Lady Rainicorn's house, we can see through the window that it's night. Jake and Lady are playing a card game. Jake slaps three cards down on the table.]
Jake: Bam! [Slaps down three more cards.] Bam! [Slaps down the remaining four.] Bam! Lady, you're really off your game. I never win at canasta!
Lady Rainicorn: TV 가 걱정되서. 얘가 하루 종일 밖에 나가 있잖아. (I'm worried about T.V. He's been out all day.)
Jake: You said you wanted the kid to spend more time outside. Bam--He's outside. He's loving it!
Lady Rainicorn: 너무 어두워지네. 가서 애 뭐 하나 좀 봐. (It's getting too dark. Go see what he's doing.)
Jake: If it'll make you feel better then yes, but I'm sure he's fine.
[Later, Jake is standing at the edge of the moat by the chocolate bridge. T.V. lies on his side in the middle of the moat, mumbling to himself. His backpack and the diary are on the ground nearby.]
Jake: Uh-oh.
[T.V. turns over as though having a bad dream, still mumbling. Jake cautiously approaches.]
Jake: Uh, son?
T.V.: Mom?
Jake: Uh, close enough.
T.V.: Get out of my room!
[T.V. grabs the diary, hugs it to his chest and rolls over away from Jake.]
Jake: T.V., what is that?
T.V.: [Gets to his feet.] Private property.
Jake: Gimme the book. [He pulls it away from T.V. with some effort.]
T.V.: Noooooo!
Jake: [Opens the book.] A diary, huh? Juicy. [Flips through the pages.] And now you've become dangerously obsessed with it, and have confused your reality with that of the diary keeper. [Turns to T.V., who looks at the book over Jake's shoulder.] You always were a little too susceptible to fantasy.
[Jake flips through pages until he reaches the end of the writing.]
Jake: Ooh, ripped pages! Mystery.
T.V.: And look how the handwriting changes right before the rip! [He points.] The e's are all crabbed. That's weird, right?
Jake: That's super weird, son.
[T.V. steps away from Jake, and everything blends together around him.]
Jake: She was obviously emotionally distraught. Maybe she was so stressed she broke out in hives!
[T.V. breaks out in hives. He looks down at himself, horrified.]
Jake: And they covered her whole body. So they rushed her to the hospital.
[Two candy nurses hurry past, carrying a gurney between them. T.V. throws himself on it and is carried off. Now in a hall of the Candy Kingdom Hospital, the nurses carry T.V. into an operating room.]
Jake: She was thinking, "oh man I'm so young," and how life is so unfair, and that this was the end.
[The door slams shut behind the nurses and the screen goes black. The following morning we see T.V., asleep, the sun shining on him from a window while a monitor beeps.]
Jake: But it wasn't the end. She had pulled through. Except her hand had been replaced with a crab hand!
[T.V. pulls a crab hand out from under the covers and stares at it in shock.]
Jake: Which negatively affected her handwriting.
T.V.: Yeah!
[T.V. sleeps next to a window now, which shows the sun rising and falling to denote the passage of time.]
T.V.: And, and, while I recovered, I refused all visitors.
Jake: Wait... you refused?
T.V.: Especially Justin. [Night falls, and a nurse turns on a lamp.] How could he love a girl with a crab hand?
[T.V. tosses and turns in his sleep.]
T.V.: I mean... that is definitely not normal.
[On a table next to the bed we see a series of flowers in vases, then the heart monitor.]
T.V.: Justin sent me flowers every day for a week.
[At the end of the line of flowers there are two potted plants, then an empty vase.]
T.V.: Then every other day.
[At the end of the table is a single flower in a vase.]
T.V.: Then they stopped coming all together.
[A petal falls. Later, T.V. walks up the path to Love Tree Point. The crab hand is wrapped in a black garbage bag secured with tape.]
T.V.: On my birthday I decided I was going to keep my promise to meet Justin, crab hand or no crab hand. But when I got to Love Tree Point, Justing was already there...
[T.V. gasps. At the top of Love Tree Point Taffi, Mochi and Justin sit together. Justin and Mochi kiss.]
T.V.: ...Making out with my BFFs Taffi and Mochi!
[Back in the Candy Kingdom moat, T.V. stares dramatically into the distance, his eyes watery. Jake stands at the edge of the moat with the diary.]
Jake: [Shocked,] He did not! [Opens the diary.] Well, that's one theory, anyway.
T.V.: Am I unlovable?
Jake: Hey, did you say Love Tree Point? That's where the kids used to go smoochin' back in the day. This diary must be pretty old.
[T.V. sniffles and wipes his nose with his arm. Jake comes closer, still reading the diary.]
Jake: We should go check it out.
[Jake and T.V. climb to the top of Love Tree Point in the present day. The hill is mostly barren, the tree at its top only an old stump. Assorted garbage is on the ground.]
Jake: Ugh, this place is a dump.
T.V.: [Looking around,] Why do they call this Love Tree Point?
Jake: Because of that tree over there.
[Jake points to a tree trunk that's taken the shape of a heart in its middle.]
Jake: Yeah, it's pretty heavy-handed.
T.V.: [Holds the diary to his chest.] On page 42 it says Justin hid a present somewhere around here. Maybe it's in the tree.
Jake: Hey, good thinking!
[Jake stretches over to the hollow part of the tree. Inside is a box with a gold clasp.]
Jake: Bingo!
[Jake's tail wags as he stretches back down to normal size, the box in his hands. Close up of the box; "BP+JR 4EVA" is carved into the lid. T.V. Opens the clasp and the lid pops up. He gasps. Inside are two figures with cat ears and tails. Music plays as the figures nod at each other, come together and begin to dance around the inside of the box. T.V. leans in close.]
T.V.: It's so beautiful...
Jake: Yeah... B.P. would have love this.
[T.V. closes the box and walks away. Jakes eyes water, and he clutches the box to his chest.]
Jake: Justin must have been too devastated to reclaim it. Maybe he thinks she'll come back for it one day. [He twists to look out over the water.]
T.V.: [Sniffles.] We've got to find her, Dad!
[T.V. falls to his knees and sobs. Jake turns back to his son and looks down at the box in his hands.]
Jake: She never knew how much she meant to him. To all of us!
[Jake starts crying too. High above, Lady Rainicorn watches them for a moment, then flies away.]
Lady Rainicorn: 어으, 놀고들 있네. (Ugh, playing around.)
[It's the next day.]
Jake: Y'know, son, I bet I know where this music box is from.
[Jake and T.V. walk through the stalls of the Farmer's Market. Jake carries the box, T.V. carries the diary.]
Jake: Maybe they can give us a clue.
[At the music box stall Jake hands the box over to the salesman.]
Salesman: Oh, yes. Yes, this is one of mine. From my "dancing cat" period. [He opens the box.]
T.V.: Do you remember who bought it?
Salesman: Oh, goodness. [He holds the box up in front of him.] It feels like a lifetime ago. I must have made hundreds of boxes since then, each marrying sound and motion to tell a unique story... The dance of the cosmos in miniature.
Jake: Okay...Well, we gotta go.
[Jake reaches out for the music box.]
Salesman: [Suddenly,] A young man bought this!
T.V.: Justin! Was he handsome?
Salesman: Oh, very.
[Jake puts his arms down without taking the box.]
Jake: Who was it meant for?
Salesman: A girl. Betsy.
T.V.: [Gasps.] B.P.!
Salesman: She ran away. Went wild, cut herself off from the world, hid away in a cave never to be seen again. [He closes the music box.]
Jake: Woah.
T.V.: But Dad, there are probably hundreds of caves in--
Salesman: It's the one at the fork in the road to Butterscotch Lake!
[Jake and T.V. run off. Jake stretches his arms back to take the box from the salesman.]
Salesman: The box said she does weird stuff to bodies up there.
[T.V. Rides on Jake's back as he runs into the afforementioned cave.]
T.V.: That's it!
[Inside Jake slows to a walk, panting. T.V.'s horn begins to glow in the darkness.]
T.V.: Why do you think Betsy ran away, Dad?
Jake: Hard to say. [He changes slowly back to his normal shape as he walks.] Some people can't face their troubles. But T.V., hiding away won't solve anything.
T.V.: Look!
[T.V. slides off of Jake's back and runs ahead. Jake stops to catch his breath, hands on his knees.]
Jake: Ah, teachable moment.
[At the end of the cave the top opens to the sky, creating a sheltered clearing where a small house stands. T.V. enters the house.]
T.V.: Betsy?
[Light from T.V.'s horn moves across the bookshelf, which is covered in spider webs. T.V. walks further into the house.]
T.V.: Betsy?
[T.V. glances down and sees a full-sized skeleton on the floor. He screams.]
T.V.: Betsy... Oh my Glob. We're too late!
[Jake walks past T.V. and bends down by the skeleton. T.V. turns away and his eyes start to water.]
T.V.: She was too good for this cruel world. [Sobs.]
[Jake straightens, righting a stand from which the skeleton hangs.]
Jake: It's a model.
T.V.: Huh?
[T.V. turns to look at the skeleton.]
Jake: It's plastic. [Waving the skeleton's hand,] "Heeyyy."
[At the bookshelf T.V. brushes dust off of the book spines to reveal their titles: "GROSS ANATOMY" and "SURGERY".]
Jake: Hey, look at this!
[There's a makeshift bed in the corner of the room. A card on the pillow reads "Justin". Jake picks it up, and T.V. comes over to look.]
Jake: Maybe we shouldn't read this...
T.V.: Yes, we should.
[In the past the real B.P. walks up to a tree, where she sits and writes in her diary.]
B.P. [voiceover]: Dear Justin: I'm not sure you'll ever read this letter. Maybe I'm writing this more for myself anyway. You know when you're little, and the future feels really far away? You don't know what it looks like. You just hope you'll have stuff figured out by then. You'll know exactly how to act, and feel. You'll have conquered all your fears. And you'll never feel dumb or uncomfortable. You don't think about how you'll actually get there. The middle parts, between now and then? The middle parts suck. Which is why I split, I guess. Okay, so riding out your teen years in a cave is pretty dramatic, but do you know much reading you get done in a cave? I even figured out a cure for my crab hand!
[B.P. finishes writing and gets up. The diary, sealed in the plastic bag T.V. found it in, is lowered gently into chocolate water. B.P. watches as it rises to the surface and floats away.]
B.P. [voiceover]: Oh Justin, I hope you're not too upset, and I hope you didn't spend too much money on that birthday present. It wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. You're kind of clingy. Sincerely, Nurse Betsy Poundcake.
[Back in the present, Dr. Ice Cream is treating a patient in the Candy Kingdom Hospital's Emergency Room. The heartrate monitor beeps frantically.]
Dr. Ice Cream: Nurse Poundcake!
Nurse Poundcake: [Holding a syringe,] I've got the injection, doctor.
Patient: [Shaking his head,] I'm not gonna make it, man!
[Nurse Poundcake slaps his face.]
Patient: Gah!
Nurse Poundcake: You will live!
Dr. Ice Cream: Way to take control of the situation, nurse.
Nurse Poundcake: Save it for the post-op, Doc.
[Jake and T.V. watch this scene from the viewing room.]
Jake: Wow. B.P. is Nurse Poundcake. She turned out fine!
T.V.: But what about the ripped pages?
[They walk away from the window together.]
Jake: Oh, I saw them in the cabin. It was just a lot of mean stuff about Justin. [Chuckling,] Hey, that guy must be pretty sad, huh? Hey, you wanna go find him?
T.V.: No.

Episode ends