This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Something Big" from season 6, which aired on July 3, 2014.

This transcript is complete.


[Atop the walls of the Candy Kingdom, Princess Bubblegum is tying a saddle on her Swan. Peppermint Butler comes running up, holding binoculars. Finn, Jake, and Gridface Princess are right behind him.]
Peppermint Butler: Princess, he did it! Root Beer Guy set up the force field!
Finn: But he sacrificed himself to do it.
Jake: It's an ugly scene, man.
Princess Bubblegum: Let me see. [takes binoculars]
[Darren grunts as he repeatedly tries to break the force field. She spies Root Beer Guy's remains on the ground nearby.]
Princess Bubblegum: Rest in peace, Root Beer Guy.
Maja: Give up now, Princess, and I, Maja the Sky Witch, promise not to completely donk up your kingdom.
Darren: I make no such promise. Darren must feed.
[Inside the Candy Kingdom wall, Crunchy trembles in fear.]
Crunchy: Oh, Glob! Oh, oh, oh!
Maja: Oh, well. [laughs] What can you do?
Candy Person: Crunchy, chill. Chill.
[Crunchy explodes.]
[Time card: THE DAY BEFORE]
[Maja walks to the edge of a cliff.]
Maja: Keepers of the clock, masters of dimension, bear witness!
[Maja lets go of her cloak, revealing Princess Bubblegum's rock T-shirt.]
Maja: By my power, I compel you to converge!
[Time suddenly slows and stops. Her cloak stops in midair, and birds flying overhead are suspended.]
Maja: Past and present, be one. Awaken the terror of a forgotten age in this moment that is all moments in the blink of an eye.
[The moon turns into an giant eye and blinks.]
Maja: Darren, the ancient sleeper, arise!
[Darren rises out of the ground.]
Darren: I had a dream I was fighting an army that could birth new soldiers from their own blood. I was endless. Does that make sense?
Maja: Yes. You want to go conquer the Candy Kingdom?
Darren: What's that?
Maja: It's a place that contains the highest levels of caring and sentimental affection in all of Ooo.
Darren: What is caring? What kind of world is this?
Maja: It's a feeling I use in my magic to give me power. Like this shirt that was once the prized possession of Princess Bubblegum. With the feelings in this shirt, I was able to summon you.
Darren: I don't—walk me through this.
Maja: All right.
Darren: This kingdom of candy...
Maja: Yes?
Darren: I will lay it to waste, turn their people to salt.
Maja: Yeah...
Darren: And garnish a million meals with the salt, which we will eat for eternity.
Maja: That's not my plan exactly, but you'll be fine. I promise.
Darren: I promise, as well, to deliver destruction so thorough that all realities are affected.
Maja: Okay. We'll talk about that.
Darren: All realities.
Maja: Hey! We'll talk about it!
[The flashback ends. Darren is inside the force field and Maja is hovering nearby.]
Maja: Break this witch out, Darren.
[Darren continues hitting the force field.]
Princess Bubblegum: How long will your force field hold, Gridface Princess?
Gridface Princess: The sleeper's magic is older than legend. I don't know how he disabled both Gumball Guardians, but at least I know my tech is tight. The field will hold long enough for you to think of a weak plan.
Princess Bubblegum: [on phone] Colonel Candy Corn?
Colonel Candy Corn: Uh, yes, Princess.
Princess Bubblegum: Ready the cannons. You got me? If they get through that barrier, I don't want to have to use our ground troops.
Colonel Candy Corn: Will do, Princess. And let me just say... thank you for putting this old crease back in the field. I haven't been the same since my lovely Linda passed away.
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah. Good luck.
Colonel Candy Corn: Oh, I tried dating again, you know? But these young girls think I'm too serious or something.
Peppermint Butler: Why don't you date someone your own age?
Princess Bubblegum: [covers receiver] Peppermint Butler, come on!
Colonel Candy Corn: Oh, women my age don't hang out. Where are they hiding?
[PB hands the phone to Peppermint Butler.]
Colonel Candy Corn: I need a young girl with an old soul to heal my heart.
[Darren continues trying to break the force field, with Maja's help.]
Darren: This is taking too long.
Maja: Then do the thing!
Darren: I call forth the Legion of Cadmus, the Dragon's Teeth!
[A portal opens in the sky.]
Colonel Candy Corn: What am I supposed to—oh! Party's starting. Load 'em up, soldiers!
Candy soldier: Yeah, just put it in there. I don't know.
Colonel Candy Corn: Oh, dang!
[An egg drops from the portal, out of which hatches a pink monster. The first of many.]
Colonel Candy Corn: Fire!
[The soldiers fire the cannon, exploding one of the monsters. Another one hatches and starts pommeling the force field generator, but it is hit with a cannonball. Several more eggs drop from the sky and hatch.]
Princess Bubblegum: Finn and Jake, are you ready to—what the...? Finn? [to a Banana Guard] Where the jam is Finn?!
Banana Guard: I don't know. Weren't they just here?
Princess Bubblegum: What the jam?!
[The pink monsters continue to get blown up by cannonballs. One punches the force field generator and cracks it right before being hit.]
Princess Bubblegum: All right. Finn or no Finn, PB's got to get in that biz. [mounts Swan] Hyah! [takes off]
[The scene switches to inside the Candy Kingdom walls.]
Colonel Candy Corn: Why have you stopped firing?
Candy soldier: We ran out of ammo, colonel.
Colonel Candy Corn: That's nonsense, soldier.
[Outside, a pink monster runs up to the force field generator and lands a finishing blow, breaking it apart. The force field lowers.]
[Inside the wall, Colonel Candy Corn is inside a cannon.]
Colonel Candy Corn: This is how you defend your kingdom! Fire, you wimps! [The cannon fires.] Ya-ha!
[Behind him are the soldiers, who have also shot themselves out of cannons.]
Candy soldiers: Ah!
Colonel Candy Corn: [laughs] For the kingdom!
Candy soldiers: For the king...
[Darren blasts fire out of his mouth toward PB and the soldiers.]
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, zang! [dodges blast]
Candy soldiers: ...ingdom!
[The soldiers take the full force of the blast. Colonel Candy Corn flips onto the ground safely and looks behind him, seeing the roasted candy soldiers.]
Colonel Candy Corn: [exhales sharply]
[Princess Bubblegum's swan shoots its laser at Darren, but he blocks it with his fist. Colonel Candy Corn attacks the pink giants, felling two of them. Princess Bubblegum's swan continues shooting its laser at Darren and dodging his fist.]
Maja: Eat it, tranch!
[Maja flaps her cloak at Princess Bubblegum, sending a gust of wind toward her. The swan falls to the ground and pins Princess Bubblegum underneath it. Darren pins them both under his hand.]
Darren: It's over, Princess. Prepare to be annihilated across all dimensions.
Colonel Candy Corn: Princess! No!
[Darren charges up his fire blast.]
Maja: Wait, Darren! Dial it back. I need her residual feelings.
Darren: What the flip is feelings? Darren only understands life and death!
[Out of nowhere, a laser blast burns off Darren's arm.]
Darren: Wah!
Maja: What the slizz?!
[Finn and Jake ride in on the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant.]
Finn & Jake: Yeah, boy!
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Hi, Darren.
Maja: The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant?!
Darren: Eli, were you asleep forever too? All this stuff is different now. What are we even doing here?
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Yes, it's been a difficult adjustment.
Finn: Blaze his face, Eli!
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Yes, master. [shoots laser]
[Darren deflects the blast to the Ice Kingdom, knocking the top off Ice King's Castle.]
Ice King: Yo! Leave me out of it!
[The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant continues shooting his laser, incinerating all the pink monsters.]
Maja: No! [charges up an attack]
[The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant shoots a short blast at her, sending her flying into the Cotton Candy Forest. She smacks headfirst into a tree and lands on the ground, unconscious.]
Darren: Yeah, right.
[Darren shoots fire from his mouth at Finn and Jake. The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant meets the blast with his laser. Darren slowly overtakes him.]
Darren: [laughs]
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Finn, his weakness is his brain seed.
Finn: Okay!
[Jake throws Finn into Darren's open head.]
Finn: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
[Inside Darren's head, some branches ensnare Finn before he can reach the seed.]
Finn: Oh, uh! [grunts] Aah! [stabs brain]
Darren: Thank you.
[And with these parting words, his head explodes, and the portal closes. Sparkles shoot out of his neck. So ends Darren's reign of terror.]
Jake: Whoa!
[The sparkles land on the injured Candy soldiers, healing them.]
Candy soldiers: [cheer]
[Princess Bubblegum hugs her swan.]
Swan: [squawks]
Banana Guard: Well, I guess my kids still have a daddy.
Colonel Candy Corn: [kicks Darren's body] Bam, you dope!
Princess Bubblegum: Party tonight in the Candy Kingdom!
[Everyone cheers.]
Princess Bubblegum: Hey, where's Finn?
Finn: Hi.
Princess Bubblegum: Okay. Y'all bring food and bevs. Finn, you make the guac, all right?
Finn: I'll make the guaaaaaaaaaaac.
[At the Tree Fort, the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant is hovering outside the window.]
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Finn! Finn!
Finn: Yo! What's up, APTWE?
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: What do I do now?
Finn: Dude, I don't know. Probably not go back in the basement. You're so big'uns. You should be free, boy.
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Free to do what? I need psychic commands.
Finn: Can you help me dice tomatoes for this guac?
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: No.
Finn: You see, man, I feel weird giving you orders. You should just do your own thing. Realize your potential.
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: But this is what I am—a war machine who serves its master.
Finn: No, man. You're more than that. [drops guacamole] Whoops. I see into your brain, remember? You'll do great. Just go for it. I believe in you, man.
[The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant Finn back the guacamole with his trunk.]
Finn: Oh, word. Thanks.
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Maybe Darren was right. There's no place for my ancient ways. [flies off]
Finn: Don't think like that, dude! Come back and see us whenevs!
[The sun sets as the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant flies away. It sleeps in a cave. The sun rises, and an ant walks by carrying a leaf. The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant reads its thoughts.]
Ant: I'm doing this for a reason. What choice is there?
Baby birds: Hungry! Hungry! Hungry!
Mama bird: Must feed babies. [feeds worms to chicks]
Sun: Hey! Elephant. I'm more ancient than you. Someday, I will engulf the solar system. What was and what will be are meaningless. Meanwhile, you should wonder: are you just a two-headed pile of meat on a crash course with the cosmic dump? Or do you contain the soul memory of a million dead stars? How do you light a candle without a match?
[The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant thinks for a moment. The scene then changes to him flying into the Cotton Candy Forest. He touches his trunk to Maja's head.]
Maja: Hello? Who's that? Why can't I see jack?
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: You bonked your head. You're in a coma, but I can help.
Maja: Um, all right. Are you, like, powerful?
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: Yes. I can fly and do lasers from my nose.
Maja: Okay. I can run with this. Take me to the Candy Kingdom and shoot your laser nose at it.
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: No. I must decide, in this moment, what is best. For now, I am the match and the candle.
Maja: What?
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: I will be your friend and keep you alive, until you regain consciousness, maybe.
Maja: Ugh, that plan sounds like dirt!
Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant: See through my eyes, Maja.
Maja: Ah! It's bright! Wait! You're the flippin' elephant! You laser-nosed me! Somebody help! Oh, my Glob. Somebody!
[The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant scoops Maja up with his trunk and takes off. A leaf falls to the ground.]
Leaf: Well, this wasn't part of my plan.
Caterpillar: Hey, man. I'm gonna eat you.
[A picture of Root Beer Guy appears, surrounded by the words, "In loving memory: Root Beer Guy," followed by a picture of Crunchy in bandages with the words, "Crunchy got put back together."]

Episode ends

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