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Adventure Time Wiki

This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "One Last Job" from season 5, which aired on June 10, 2013.

This transcript is complete. Only minor edits are needed.


[The episode starts with Jake on the boat at the top of the Tree Fort, peering through the telescope and watching the birds that fly by.]
Jake: Nice. Little bird family on vacay. Dad's got the mad beautiful tail feathers; Mommy's taking up the rear all plain-jane styles. [Mother bird farts] Hehe. Glad I get to date a beautiful rainicorn, not some nasty bird. [A messenger bird holding a package flies up to Jake]
Bird: Hey! Don't be talking trash! Our ladies are beautiful on the inside, you creep.
Jake: All lady birds around the whole world are beautiful on the inside?
Bird: Yes.
Jake: Fair enough.
Bird: Special delivery for Jake the Dog.
Jake: Cool, thanks. [Takes package. It reads: URGENT. WATCH NOW.] Urgent.
[The scene cuts to Jake trying to play the tape in BMO]
Jake: Hold still, BMO.
BMO: Ouch. I hurt my butt sledding.
Jake: Aw dang. Sorry, BMO. [Finally puts the tape in BMO and then quickly runs in front of him] Cool, man, I'm excited!
[The tape starts playing while Jake is eating some peanuts. A picture of a tied-up person with a bag on his appears on BMO's screen]
Unknown person: [mumbling]
Jake: [Stops eating peanuts] What the heck am I looking at?
[The bag from the person's head is removed, revealing it's Jake Jr. Jake spits out all the peanuts from his mouth.
Jake: [shouting] Jake Jr.?! What's going on here?
Kidnapper: Jake the Dog, we have your daughter. She is safe—for now.
Jake: [Shakes BMO] [shouting] What do you want from me?!
Kidnapper: We need you to reassemble your old team—Gareth, a.k.a. The Lady Master, the Flying Lettuce Brothers, notorious con-men impressionists and your old friend, Tiffany.
Jake: [quietly] Glob it.
Kidnapper: You'll need them to break in the Royal Candy Vault and steal this.
Jake: The Baker's Shard—the purest source of sugar in the known regions.
Kidnapper: You're the only master thief with the skills to swipe it. You have until midnight to make the drop. Tell anyone and Jake Jr. gets it. [Tape stops playing]
Jake: [Changes his appearance into a more sinister one] BMO, destroy the tape.
[BMO destroys the tape]
Jake: Are we on the level, BMO?
BMO: I ain't no clown-town snitch, baby.
Jake: I don't want Finn hearing about this.
BMO: Alright.
[Jake stretches his arm into a hole in the wall and presses a button.
[The scene cuts to Gareth at a restaurant with Lollipop girl]
Lollipop girl: [laughing] Oh Branard, you sure?
Gareth: Yup babe, I'm totally famous [with a darker tone] and you love me.
Lollipop girl: Wha—what is going on? What am I feeling now?
Gareth: You are now under the spell of my face. I got you, girl, in my face trap and you love it.
Lollipop girl: I do. Branard, don't ever leave me! I'll give you everything—my fabric, my dress patterns, my marbles, my social standing— [Gets interrupted by Gareth's watch]
Gareth: [Sees Jake's picture on his watch] Woops! I gotta go! Laters!
Candy butler: Dine and dash? I saw that!
[The scene cuts to the Squeez-E-Mart]
Tonya: Hey boss, I wanted to—
Squeeze-E-Mart boss: Shut up Tonya, I gotta see my ex-wife! [Breaks the entrance door of the Squeeze-E-Mart and leaves]
Tonya: Uh.
[The phone starts ringing]
Tonya: [Answers the phone] Hello, Squeez-E-Mart.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: [imitating the Squeez-E-Mart boss' voice] Tonya, this is your boss!
Tonya: Wait, you were just here.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: Yeah, and now I'm on the phone, stupid!
Tonya: Hey, do you think I can leave early? I'm like, depressed.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: What you could do is take all the money from the register and give it to the two guys out back by the dumpster.
Tonya: [signs] OK. Can then I go?
Flying Lettuce Brothers: Yes. [Cover their faces with a newspaper]
Tonya: [Leaves the Squeez-E-Mart and hands the money to the brothers] Here you go dudes.
Flying Lettuce Brother: Thanks, man.
Tonya: [with a darker tone] Peace.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: Goodbye, fair lad. [Notice their watch beeping] The master returns.
[The scene cuts to Tiffany squishing a toy in his home. He breaths heavily. Then, he notices his watch beeping]
Tiffany: Well, well. From the shadows of dream, the dog wakes to find its—ugh—[Checks what's written on his arm]—the dog wakes to find its mangy tail flopping in the dust like a fish in a tree. That fish is me! Tiffany! [Jumps into a hole] I'm coming Jake, I'm coming!]
[The scene cuts to Jake entering an abandoned old warehouse]
Jake: [Turns on the lights and sees the gang] Oh, hi guys. Were you waiting for me in the dark?
Gareth: Tiffany wouldn't let us turn them on.
Tiffany: Never mind that, the real question is what's that slo-mo Finn know about this?
[The scene cuts to Finn carrying various kinds of instruments and BMO at the Tree Fort]
Finn: Hey BMO, where's Jake?
BMO: Jake got back with his old gang and is going to rob the Candy Kingdom!
Finn: [laughing] OK, BMO.
BMO: [giggling]
Finn: You wanna join my primitive noise band? [Plays trumpet]
BMO: No, I like organized sound.
Finn: Pssssh! [Finn starts to play the instruments randomly, making weird noises and smashing them]
[The scene goes back at the gang in the warehouse]
Jake: Nah, BMO's covering for me.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: So what's the deal, Jake?
Gareth: Yeah, why did you call us back?
Jake: I got a job for you guys. [They gather around him] One last score. The Big one.
Gareth: The Baker's Shard? [Laughing] Are you for real, man?
Flying Lettuce Brothers: This is crazy Jake, we always said: "Play it safe."
Tiffany: Can't ya see guys, he's desperate! Somebody got to him 'cause he's soft now.
Jake: What? Psssh! Tiffany! I'm the same Jake, I just stopped stealing mostly! 'Cause when you get older you're supposed to get in other stuff, like graphic design, or pottery. It's called "growing up"!
Gareth: I don't want to do poetry—I mean, pottery.
Jake: Dude, you guys on board or what?! You really got something better to do?! I know you don't, Tiffany!
Tiffany: [rough voice] Glom you, Jake.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: How are gonna split the Baker's Shard?
Jake: We ain't keeping it. [the three grow shocked looks] I'm passing the shard off to a mystery dude.
Tiffany: [angrily] What the—?!
Jake: The dude has my kid. [Tiffany goes from angry to a mix of surprise of empathy] My Little Jake Jr. [Coughs a bit so that he does not cry]
Gareth: I'm in.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: We're in.
Tiffany: I know that vault inside and out! Every guard rotation, every camera, every deadly trap. And that safe is locked up so tight it makes me wanna spit out my guts and cry about it. Do you even have a plan, Jake?!
Jake: I have the first part. [Raises hand] OK, let's freakin' do this!
[The scene cuts to the Captain Banana Guard and the Private Banana Guard in the surveillance room]
Private Banana Guard: [Sees a milk van arriving] Captain, the milk delivery has arrived.
Captain Banana Guard: Well, check 'em in, Private.
Private Banana Guard: Yes, sir! [Goes towards the door]
Captain Banana Guard: And Private, I'm very thirsty! Bring me back the most delicious flavor they have!
Private Banana Guard: Yes sir! [Leaves the room]
[The Captain starts writing something on a piece of paper, while a surveillance camera shows Gareth knocking the Private and Jake destroying the camera]
Captain Banana Guard: Huh? Now what in the heck—?!
Private Banana Guard: I got your milk, sir!
Captain Banana Guard: What flavor did you bring me, Private?
Flying Lettuce Brothers: [imitating the Private's voice] Banana, sir!
Captain Banana Guard: What?
Gareth: Banana milk! [Throws it in his face]
Captain Banana Guard: [screaming] The forbidden flavor! It's—delicious.
Flying Lettuce Brothers: [Trying to imitate the Captain's voice] It's—it's—it's—it's—delicious! [talking on the speaker] Attention all guards! You are directed to report immediately to the courtyard for special training!
[All of the Banana Guards are seen running toward the room, while Jake, who stretched so thin he could be disguised as the roof, climbs down]
Jake: [Opens his chest, revealing Tiffany is hidden in there] OK, do your thing, man.
Tiffany: [Holding a dynamite] Just like old times, right, Jake? When we were blood, we'd follow each other in the jaws of death on a pale horse.
Jake: Not now, Tiffany! Come on! [Gets Tiffany out of his chest]
[The scene cuts to the courtyard where all of the Banana Guards are]
Flying Lettuce Brothers: [imitating the Captain's voice] Tonight we'll be working on our battle "kee-yahs." Alright men, sound off!
[The Banana Guards are seen screaming happily while Tiffany fuses a bomb]
Flying Banana Guards: [They look on their watches] Alright soldiers, time to shred those pipes! I wanna hear you scream!
[The Banana Guards scream even harder while Tiffany is setting the time for the bomb. Tiffany and Jake get away from the barricaded door]
Flying Banana Guard: Louder! Push it hard!
[The Banana Guards are already worn out from screaming. The bomb explodes, and the Banana Guards don't hear a thing from the screaming]
Tiffany and Jake: [coughing] [They get close to the door and open it]
Tiffany: The Baker's Shard is on the other side of—that. The Corridor of a Thousand Deaths.
[Jake starts running through the Corrirdor and running into many traps until he reaches the Shard]
Jake: I did it! For Jake Jr.! [Takes the Baker's Shard]
Kidnapper: Stop right there.
Jake: You! Where's my daughter?!
Kidnapper: Throw me the Baker's Shard—and I'll let her go.
Jake: Yeah right, that's super-dumb.
Jake Jr.: Daddy! Please do what he says!
Jake: Hang on, sweetie! [Throws the Baker's Shard, which is caught by Gareth]
Flying Lettuce Brothers: [imitating Jake Jr. voice] Thank you for saving me—
Tiffany, Gareth and the Flying Lettuce Brothers: —daddy! [laughing]
Jake: [gasp] You dirty—
Tiffany: Now—ugh—[Checks what's written on his arm]—I'm the dog, and you're the tail! Now you chase me! You chase my dreams! [pulls a lever through which an alert is set off]
[Jake goes on a rampage and chases the milk van the gang came with until he catches it]
Tiffany: Oh crud! Jake, I love you! I love youuu!
Jake: Shut it, Tiffany! [Sees the driver] Gimme my daughter.
[The driver removes his hat, revealing it's actually Jake Jr.]
Jake Jr.: TADA! I totally double-crossed you!
Jake: Jake Jr.?! WHAT THE PUKE, GIRL?! [Puts down the van]
Gareth: Let's get out of here!
[Tiffany, Gareth and the Flying Lettuce Brothers drive away]
[Jake grows extremely large and puts himself and his daughter on a branch]
Jake: What the funky fresh, honey?
Jake Jr.: I just wanted to be like you. Mom told me stories about when you did crimes.
Jake: [Scolding tone] That was a long time ago. Before I knew it was wrong!
Jake Jr.: I thought you'll be proud of me.
Jake: [Sighs loudly and turns his forehead back to normal] I am. I couldn't have done that when I was your age.
Jake Jr.: I age fast remember? I'm twenty-two!
Jake: R-r-r-right. I keep forgetting maths.
Jake Jr.: What are you going to do about the old crew?
Jake: Finn and I bust their apples tomorrow. Or maybe the Banana Guards will get 'em.
[The Banana Guards are seen walking slowly after the van]
Jake: [Grows large again] Come on. I'll take you home now.
Jake Jr.: [Jumps on Jake's giant arm] I love you, pops.
Jake: I love you, too. Don't stinkin' do this to me again. I'm old and fat. I'll probably have a heart attack.
Jake Jr.: OK.
Jake: [Stops] Wait a minute! You're doing a long con right now, aren't you?
Jake Jr.: No.
[Jake continues walking]
Jake Jr.: Yes.
Jake: Now I'm really proud of you!

Episode ends