This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Jake vs. Me-Mow" from season 3, which aired on November 21, 2011.
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Wildberry Kingdom
Transcript
(In the Wildberry Kingdom, Wildberry Princess, humming, is taking a pie out of an oven, walks pasts a room filled with meat, and puts on a counter. Wildberry Princess kneels down to put her oven mitt in a drawer and when she rises she notice a small hole in a pie but simply shrugs and takes the pies to a table where Finn and Jake are sitting.)
Jake: You've got a lot of meat, Wildberry Princess.
Wildberry Princess: Yeah, well, you know.
Finn: Thanks for cook-a-looking for us.
Wildberry Princess: Oh, you're welcome, Finn, and thank you for answering my urgent summons.
Finn: Hey, yeah. How can we aid thee? (Eats a piece of pie)
Wildberry Princess: Oh, it's nothing really. Someone's trying to kill me.
(Finn and Jake spit out their pies, their food flies in each other’s mouth, Finn gags)
Jake: Still tastes good.
Wildberry Princess: It's no big deal. Finish your pie.
Finn: It is a big deal, and I demand deets.
Wildberry Princess: Okay.
Jake: (Mouth full) I'm listening, but I'm gonna keep eating. (Chews pie tray)
Wildberry Princess: (Goes over to a table) I suspect that I've been targeted by the Guild of Assassins.
Finn: Whoa, how do you know?
Wildberry Princess: I found this note stabbed to my door... man. (Lifts up a note from the Guild of Assassins with a knife pierced through it)
Finn: (Gasps) Princess, we vow to protect your juice. Right, Jake?
(Jake is devouring a pie messily)
Jake: Sometimes, I think there's a monster who lives in my stomach, and that's why I'm hungry all the time. (Giggles and continues eating)
Finn: Uhh, Princess, let's continue this briefing outside. I can't look at his mouth when he gets like this.
(Close-up of Jake's mouth belching, Finn and Wildberry Berry leave the room and Jake puts down the pie tin and wipes his mouth, Jake eyes WB pie and taps the table with his arm) Jake: (Whispering) Princess, want me to finish off your pie? (Jake stretchs his hand into WB shaped puppet and imitates her voice) Yes, Jake. All my pies. (Jake begins to eat the pie when he see something inside it he continues eating to find a small cat) Hmm...hehehehehehe, a tiny cat. (The cat hisses and bares her claws at Jake) Whoa!
Me-mow: (Jumps on Jake's face) Quiet! Or you die! (Points a syringe of poison at him).
Jake: (Gasps) You're the assassin!
Me-mow: (Saluting) Me-mow, assassin second class, ...but once I take out a princess, I g'aduate to full membership.
Jake: Well, I'm no princess, sister!
Me-mow: Yes, I know, but since you've blown my cover, you will slay Wildberry Princess.
Jake: What!? I'd rather be injected with poison!
Me-mow: Oh. Uh... okay.
Jake: I mean, I will assassinate Wildberry Princess.
Me-mow: Good. Oh, and if you try to trick me, I'll poison you. (Climbs into Jake's nose)
Jake: (Stifled) My nose! (It should be noted that until otherwise noted all lines from Me-mow show her inside of Jake's nose)
Me-mow: Blagh! It's like worn garbage up in here!
(Finn and Wildberry Princess re-enter)
Wildberry Princess: You done in there, Jake?
Jake: Oh, uh, yeah. So, um, Wildberry Princess. So, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be killed.
Wildberry Princess: (Nervously backs off) W-w-why would you say that?
Finn: Dude, are you trying to freak her out?
Jake: I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud here.
Finn: Are you trying to freak me out?
Jake: Uh, I'm sorry, Wildberry Prin...cess... (Hears bells, looks at a bag of meat, grabs Wildberry Princess's crown) You should... let me... do something... and... it will be...good. (Places Wildberry Princess's crown on the meatbag)
Me-mow: What's going on out there? (Looks through Jake's nostril to see the meatbag with Wildberry Princess's crown)
Jake: (Punching the meatbag) Eat this! And that! Ooh, how do you like this, Princess! Duoo!
Wildberry Princess: (confused) Uh... That's very good?
Jake: I'm gonna pick you up now and carry you... to the window!
(Jake carries meatbag to the window)
Finn: Jake, what are you...
Wildberry Princess: No! Stop! Please!
(Me-mow smiles, Jake tosses meatbag out the window and it splats on the ground)
Jake: Wildberry Princess is dead! (Puts a finger to his mouth) Shh... (Gives a thumbs up, Finn and Wildberry Princess are speechless)
Me-mow: You did it! Well done! I guess I'll be on my way.
(Goes to pick up her syringe when a voice pipes up)
Wildberry Guard #1: Princess! Oh, Princess! (Wildberry guards rush into doorway)
Wildberry Guard #2: You're alive!
Wildberry Guard #1: We saw your crown next to a pile of dirtied meat, then we skipped on the meat and I thought I tasted your juice, but it was just blood from the meat. We're so glad it wasn't actually you!
Me-mow: (Angry yell) Grraa!! You liar! (She injects Jake with the half of the poison from the syringe)
Jake: (pained groan) Oooh! (Jake collapses over and his skin tint turns green)
Finn: Jake?
Me-mow: Okay, Jake. I've injected you with half the poison, you'll be dead in thirty minutes, unless you kill the princess, which is when I'll give you the antidote (Me-mow holds up a tube of pink liquid with her tail)
Jake: Finn (grabs Finn's shirt) help me!
Finn: What's wrong?
Me-mow: If you say anything, I'll stab you in the brain!
Jake: Uhh... Finn, uh, sing mom's lullaby. I'm so tired, Finn, from the meat. Please, you have to lull me to sleep.
Finn: Uhhh...
Jake: I know you carry mom's music box around in your backpack!
Finn: Dude, I'm not going to sing mom's lullaby in front of other people...
Jake: Please, pleeeaaase...
Finn: Alright, real quick while the princess is distracted. (he pulls out the music box and starts playing it; he begins singing "Sleepy Puppies").
(Finn starts to fall over, lulled to sleep himself)
Jake: (Jake catches Finn with his hand jolting him awake) (whispers) Finn there's an assassin in my nose and she poisoned me and is making me kill Wildberry Princess!
Finn: Dude, stop playing games! This is serious!
(Jake covers Finn's mouth and grabs some meat from one of the pies and spells "cat → nose," but it's a bit sloppy)
Finn: Cat... noise? Oh, cats go "meow." Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Jake: Shh!
Finn: Meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow!
Jake: Shh! Shh! Shh! (Finn continues)
(Jake wraps Finn up in his arms to quiet him, Finn mumbles loudly)
Finn: (muffled) Jake! Jake! What are you doing?!
Jake: (whispers) Sorry... (Jake throws Finn out the window onto the meat from earlier) (whispers again) Me-mow? Still asleep?
Me-mow: (asleep) Gonna double cross Jake... and leave him to die...
Jake: Phew... If I can just grab that antidote... (He pokes Me-mows face twice then grabs it) Ah-ha!
Me-mow: (asleep) Puppy... hoodies...
Jake: I did it!
(Finn comes back in the door)
Finn: What the flop, Jake!
Jake: (quiet) Noooooo!!
Me-mow: Treachery! Hiya! (Me-mow injects Jake's hand with more poison)
(Jake groans in pain)
Me-mow: Time's running out, Jake! Do you want the antidote, or not?
Finn: What is wrong with you!
Jake: (Clearly intoxicated) Hey, everybody, everything's cool...
Finn: Everything's not cool, Wildberry Princess is still in danger!
Jake: Right, right, well, we should take her somewhere safer...
Me-mow: Don't make me give you the rest.
Jake: I know where to stash you, princess. Follow me. (Jake walks out)
(Scene cuts to the top of a high cliff)
Jake: Here, nobody can take us by surprise. Finn, stand here with your back to the cliff. I'll stay with Wildberry Princess. (gravely) To do what must be done. (He prepares his hands to push Wildberry Princess)
Wildberry Princess: Oh, my, look at how close to the edge I am!
Me-mow: Do it, Jake, do it!
Jake: I...I...I probably shouldn't!
(A bird swoops down trying to eat one of the sausages in Jake's ears; it hits him in the head and knocks Me-mow out onto the grass)
Finn: Huh? Jake!
Jake: (Falls over weakly) I'm full of poison...
Finn: The assassin!
Me-mow: The name's Me-mow.
Finn: If you let Jake die, so help me I will kill you too!
Me-mow: Try it, oaf!
Finn: Give me the antidote!
(Me-mow jumps on Finn's arm and runs around to his back and up his head in a comically long sequence demonstrating her size, she then jumps in a tree)
Finn: Face me, cat!
(Me-mow spits a knife out of her throat, and climbs down a tree, same as previous style. She puts a small cut in Finn's leg)
Finn: Ugh, ow!
(Me-mow slices one of Finn's backpack straps and gives him a small cut on the cheek)
Wildberry Princess: (shrieks, bent over the weakened Jake)
Finn: Give it up, Me-mow! You're only making my face look cooler!
(Finn throws his sword at Me-mow who is on a branch; it misses and gets stuck in the tree)
Me-mow: You're at my mercy!
Finn: Ha, you think you're hurting me? With that tiny dagger?
Me-mow: We'll see who's laughing when you're blind!
(Me-mow jumps at Finn's face, but he blows her away knocking her into a tree. Finn goes up to pin her to the tree, she puts her knife out and Finn puts his hand on it. He grunts but holds her)
Finn: It's over! Give me the antidote!
Me-mow: What, this antidote? (Me-mow breaks the antidote on the tree)
Finn: No! You... milk-lapper! (Finn punches Me-mow out of his grip) Jake, come lick this treebark!
Jake: I'm coming-- (he starts crawling, but immediately puts his face to the ground)
Me-mow: Forget it, kid. I gave Jake enough poison to kill a dog fifty times his size.
Finn: Oh, no... (starts crying next to Jake)
Finn and Jake (in unison): Wait, oh yeah! (Jake grows his liver to enormous size)
Jake: Dog liver times fifty-one!
Me-mow: A magic dog? Nooo!
Finn: How you feeling, dude?
Jake: (singing like a rockstar) Big liver, big liver, yeah!!
Me-mow: You've ruined me! I have to wait a whole year to retake the assassins test!
Wildberry Princess: Aww! How 'bout I made you my royal pet?
(Me-mow jumps at Wildberry Princess in an attempt to attack her, but her berries pop off and Me-mow misses careening off the cliff)
Wildberry Princess: Oh, dear....
Finn: Nice defense mechanism, Wild B!
Jake: Are you naked?
Wildberry Princess: Oh, no, this is a medical condition. I need a hospital (groans)
Jake: Hehe, we all need a hospital.
(Finn and Jake laugh as they walk off with Wildberry Princess)
(Scene shifts to off the cliff: A bird flies by with Me-mow riding it. The episode ends with Me-mow glaring at Finn, Jake, and Wildberry Princess.)