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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Jake vs. Me-Mow" from season 3, which aired on November 21, 2011.

This transcript is complete.


Jake: You've got a lot of meat, Wildberry Princess.
Wildberry Princess: Yeah, well, you know.
Finn: Thanks for cook-a-looking for us.
Wildberry Princess: Oh, you're welcome, Finn, and thank you for answering my urgent summons.
Finn: Hey, yeah. How can we aid thee? [Eats a piece of pie]
Wildberry Princess: Oh, it's nothing really. Someone's trying to kill me.
[Finn and Jake spit take, their food flies in each other’s mouth, Finn gags]
Jake: Still tastes good.
Wildberry Princess: It's no big deal. Finish your pie.
Finn: It is a big deal, and I demand deets.
Wildberry Princess: Okay.
Jake: [Mouth full] I'm listening, but I'm gonna keep eating. [Chews pie tray]
Wildberry Princess: [Goes over to a table] I suspect that I've been targeted by the Guild of Assassins.
Finn: Whoa, how do you know?
Wildberry Princess: I found this note stabbed to my door... man. [Lifts up a note from the Guild of Assassins with a knife pierced through it]
Finn: [Gasps] Princess, we vow to protect your juice. Right, Jake?
[Jake is devouring a pie messily]
Jake: Sometimes, I think there's a monster who lives in my stomach, and that's why I'm hungry all the time. [Giggles and continues eating]
Finn: Uhh, Princess, let's continue this briefing outside. I can't look at his mouth when he gets like this.
[Close-up of Jake's mouth belching, Finn and Wildberry Princess leave the room. Jake puts down the pie tin and wipes his mouth, eyes another pie and taps the table with his arm]
Jake: [Whispering] Princess, want me to finish off your pie? [Jake stretches his hand into a Wildberry Princess-shaped puppet and imitates her voice] Yes, Jake. All my pies. [Jake begins to eat the pie when he sees something inside it. He continues eating to find a small cat] Hmm...hehehehehehe, a tiny cat. [The cat hisses and bares her claws at Jake] Whoa!
Me-Mow: [Jumps on Jake's face] Quiet! Or you die! [Points a syringe of poison at him].
Jake: [Gasps] You're the assassin!
Me-Mow: [Saluting] Me-mow, assassin second class, ...but once I take out a princess, I g'aduate to full membership.
Jake: Well, I'm no princess, sister!
Me-Mow: Yes, I know, but since you've blown my cover, you will slay Wildberry Princess.
Jake: What!? I'd rather be injected with poison!
Me-Mow: Oh. Uh... okay.
Jake: I mean, I will assassinate Wildberry Princess.
Me-Mow: Good. Oh, and if you try to trick me, I'll poison you. [Climbs into Jake's nose]
Jake: [Stifled] My nose! [It should be noted that until otherwise noted all lines from Me-mow show her inside of Jake's nose]
Me-Mow: Blagh! It's like worn garbage up in here!
(Finn and Wildberry Princess re-enter)
Wildberry Princess: You done in there, Jake?
Jake: Oh, uh, yeah. So, um, Wildberry Princess. So, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be killed.
Wildberry Princess: [Nervously backs off] W-w-why would you say that?
Finn: Dude, are you trying to freak her out?
Jake: I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud here.
Finn: Are you trying to freak me out?
Jake: Uh, I'm sorry, Wildberry Prin...cess... [Hears bells, looks at a bag of meat, grabs Wildberry Princess's crown] You should... let me... do something... and... it will be...good. [Places Wildberry Princess's crown on the meatbag]
Me-Mow: What's going on out there? [Looks through Jake's nostril to see the meatbag with Wildberry Princess's crown]
Jake: [Punching the meatbag] Eat this! And that! Ooh, how do you like this, Princess! Duoo!
Wildberry Princess: [confused] Uh... That's very good?
Jake: I'm gonna pick you up now and carry you... to the window!
[Jake carries meatbag to the window]
Finn: Jake, what are you...
Wildberry Princess: No! Stop! Please!
[Me-mow smiles, Jake tosses meatbag out the window and it splats on the ground]
Jake: Wildberry Princess is dead! [Puts a finger to his mouth] Shh... [Gives a thumbs up, Finn and Wildberry Princess are speechless]
Me-Mow: You did it! Well done! I guess I'll be on my way.
[Goes to pick up her syringe when a voice pipes up]
Wildberry Guard #1: Princess! Oh, Princess! [Wildberry guards rush into doorway]
Wildberry Guard #2: You're alive!
Wildberry Guard #1: We saw your crown next to a pile of dirtied meat, then we skipped on the meat and I thought I tasted your juice, but it was just blood from the meat. We're so glad it wasn't actually you!
Me-Mow: [Angry yell] Grraa!! You liar! [She injects Jake with the half of the poison from the syringe]
Jake: [pained groan] Oooh! [Jake collapses over and his skin tint turns green]
Finn: Jake?
Me-Mow: Okay, Jake. I've injected you with half the poison, you'll be dead in thirty minutes, unless you kill the princess, which is when I'll give you the antidote [Me-mow holds up a tube of pink liquid with her tail]
Jake: Finn [grabs Finn's shirt] help me!
Finn: What's wrong?
Me-Mow: If you say anything, I'll stab you in the brain!
Jake: Uhh... Finn, uh, sing mom's lullaby. I'm so tired, Finn, from the meat. Please, you have to lull me to sleep.
Finn: Uhhh...
Jake: I know you carry mom's music box around in your backpack!
Finn: Dude, I'm not going to sing mom's lullaby in front of other people...
Jake: Please, pleeeaaase...
Finn: Alright, real quick while the princess is distracted. [he pulls out the music box and starts playing it; he begins singing "Sleepy Puppies"].
[Finn starts to fall over, lulled to sleep himself]
Jake: [Jake catches Finn with his hand jolting him awake] [whispers] Finn there's an assassin in my nose and she poisoned me and is making me kill Wildberry Princess!
Finn: Dude, stop playing games! This is serious!
[Jake covers Finn's mouth and grabs some meat from one of the pies and spells "cat → nose," but it's a bit sloppy]
Finn: Cat... noise? Oh, cats go "meow." Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow.
Jake: Shh!
Finn: Meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow!
Jake: Shh! Shh! Shh! [Finn continues]
[Jake wraps Finn up in his arms to quiet him, Finn mumbles loudly]
Finn: [muffled] Jake! Jake! What are you doing?!
Jake: [whispers] Sorry... [Jake throws Finn out the window onto the meat from earlier] [whispers again] Me-mow? Still asleep?
Me-Mow: [asleep] Gonna double cross Jake... and leave him to die...
Jake: Phew... If I can just grab that antidote... [He pokes Me-mows face twice then grabs it] Ah-ha!
Me-Mow: [asleep] Puppy... hoodies...
Jake: I did it!
[Finn comes back in the door]
Finn: What the flop, Jake!
Jake: [quiet] Noooooo!!
Me-mow: Treachery! Hiya! [Me-mow injects Jake's hand with more poison]
[Jake groans in pain]
Me-Mow: Time's running out, Jake! Do you want the antidote, or not?
Finn: What is wrong with you!
Jake: [Clearly intoxicated] Hey, everybody, everything's cool...
Finn: Everything's not cool, Wildberry Princess is still in danger!
Jake: Right, right, well, we should take her somewhere safer...
Me-Mow: Don't make me give you the rest.
Jake: I know where to stash you, princess. Follow me. [Jake walks out]
[Scene cuts to the top of a high cliff]
Jake: Here, nobody can take us by surprise. Finn, stand here with your back to the cliff. I'll stay with Wildberry Princess. [gravely] To do what must be done. [He prepares his hands to push Wildberry Princess]
Wildberry Princess: Oh, my, look at how close to the edge I am!
Me-Mow: Do it, Jake, do it!
Jake: I...I...I probably shouldn't!
[A bird swoops down trying to eat one of the sausages in Jake's ears; it hits him in the head and knocks Me-mow out onto the grass]
Finn: Huh? Jake!
Jake: [Falls over weakly] I'm full of poison...
Finn: The assassin!
Me-Mow: The name's Me-mow.
Finn: If you let Jake die, so help me I will kill you too!
Me-Mow: Try it, oaf!
Finn: Give me the antidote!
[Me-mow jumps on Finn's arm and runs around to his back and up his head in a comically long sequence demonstrating her size, she then jumps in a tree]
Finn: Face me, cat!
[Me-mow spits a knife out of her throat, and climbs down a tree, same as previous style. She puts a small cut in Finn's leg]
Finn: Ugh, ow!
[Me-mow slices one of Finn's backpack straps and gives him a small cut on the cheek]
Wildberry Princess: [shrieks, bent over the weakened Jake]
Finn: Give it up, Me-mow! You're only making my face look cooler!
[Finn throws his sword at Me-mow who is on a branch; it misses and gets stuck in the tree]
Me-Mow: You're at my mercy!
Finn: Ha, you think you're hurting me? With that tiny dagger?
Me-Mow: We'll see who's laughing when you're blind!
[Me-mow jumps at Finn's face, but he blows her away knocking her into a tree. Finn goes up to pin her to the tree, she puts her knife out and Finn puts his hand on it. He grunts but holds her]
Finn: It's over! Give me the antidote!
Me-Mow: What, this antidote? [Me-mow breaks the antidote on the tree]
Finn: No! You... milk-lapper! [Finn punches Me-mow out of his grip] Jake, come lick this treebark!
Jake: I'm coming-- [he starts crawling, but immediately puts his face to the ground]
Me-Mow: Forget it, kid. I gave Jake enough poison to kill a dog fifty times his size.
Finn: Oh, no... [starts crying next to Jake]
Finn and Jake: Wait! Oh yeah
Jake: [Takes a deep breath and enlarges his liver to 51 times its normal size] Dog liver times fifty-one!
Me-Mow: A magic dog? Nooooooo!!!!!!! [Jake shrinks] 
Finn: How you feeling, dude?
Jake: [singing like a rockstar] Big liver, big liver, yeah!!
Me-Mow: You've ruined me! I have to wait a whole year to retake the assassins test!


Wildberry Princess: Aww! What if I made you my royal pet?
[Me-mow jumps at Wildberry Princess in an attempt to attack her, but her berries pop off and Me-mow misses careening off the cliff]
Wildberry Princess: Oh, dear....
Finn: Nice defense mechanism, Wild B!


Jake: Are you naked?


Wildberry Princess: Oh, no, this is a medical condition. I need a hospital [groans]
Jake: Hehe, we all need a hospital.
[Finn and Jake laugh as they walk off with Wildberry Princess]
[Scene shifts to off the cliff: A bird flies by with Me-mow riding it. The episode ends with Me-mow glaring at Finn, Jake, and Wildberry Princess.]