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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Jake the Starchild" from season 10, which aired on March 18, 2018.

Characters
Finn
Clockbear
Jake
Warren Ampersand
Aliens (controlled by Warren)
Ixcano (controlled by Warren)
Music
None
This transcript is complete.


Transcript[]

[The episode opens at Joshua and Margaret's old office, picking up where The First Investigation ended. Finn and Clock Bear are stood outside, and Finn is on the phone.]
Finn: Hey, Kim Kil Whan. We solved the mystery of the haunted office. It was Clockbear the whole time... Yeah, uh, Jake's around here somewhere.
[Jake is in the alleyway around the back of the house.]
Jake: Man, it's crazy to think I was born here. In this alley. Popped right out of my dad's head for some reason. [Jake suddenly notices that Warren Ampersand is standing right next to him.] Yaah! You scared me there, what with the appearing out of thin air and staring at me all creepy and now you're just reaching towards me.
[Warren Ampersand touches Jake's shoulder. Jake turns blue.]
Warren Ampersand: [Coughs] Let's go, son. [Laughs menacingly as he shapeshifts in preparation to create a portal.]
Jake: Son? I ain't nobody's son but Joshua and Margaret! Though it is weird that you got exactly the same stretchy power as me.
Warren Ampersand: [Laughs] It's not weird. It's fate! We have to leave, like - [He shoots out a bunch of lasers which form a portal] right now!
Jake: Wait, can Finn come with us? We're kind of a package deal.
Warren Ampersand: Oh, that's kind of a bad idea. Our home world's atmosphere is, uh, poisonous to his kind.
Jake: Well then I'd better write him a note. [He takes out a pen and some paper and writes a note.]
Warren Ampersand: Destiny calls!
Jake: Whoa!
[Warren grabs Jake and pulls him through the portal. Jake drops the note onto the ground, leaving it behind as the portal closes.]
Finn: [From off screen] Jake?
[The scene changes. Jake and Warren are flying through the portal together.]
Jake: Who are you, anyway?
Warren Ampersand: My name is Warren Ampersand. I'm your alien bio-dad! Heh-heh. [He sweats slightly as he laughs.]
Jake: Why do you keep laughing?
Warren Ampersand: [Laughs] I'm nervous.
[Jake and Warren emerge out the other end of the portal onto Nerraw.]
Warren Ampersand: [Laughs and then grunts and coughs as they land.] Welcome to your home planet - Nerraw.
Jake: Great fantasy sci-fi vibe, man. And that black hole really adds an extra dimension to the place.
Warren Ampersand: Years ago, I left this beautiful planet and traveled to Ooo to implant my destiny-rich, stretchy DNA into a compatible host.
Jake: That explains a lot, actually.
Warren Ampersand: But now I'm dying.
Jake: What?
Warren Ampersand: I used the last of my strength [coughs] to bring you home.
[The scene changes. Jake and Warren are walking through the "city" on Nerraw.]
Alien: [Gasps] He's here!
Jake: Huh?
Aliens: [Gasping and whispering indistinctly to each other.] Is that Jake? It's really him! Did you see him? Look over there. Look. That's Jake!
Jake: Warren, how does everyone know me?
Warren Ampersand: Because you're the most important person to have ever lived. Behold! The Jakeseum!
[They enter the museum.]
Jake: A museum? All about me?!
Aliens: [Gasping] It's Jake! Jake! Jake! It's Jake!
Alien 1: Will you sign my prophecy book?
Alien 2: Will you sign my pretzel?
Jake: This is wild. But it feels so right, you know? [Gasps when he notices some pictures on the wall] Hey! It's my fifth birthday party. And my graduation. And when I put a snail in my mouth. And when a snail put me in its mouth. And... [The final picture depicts Jake fighting a monster] No. I don't remember this one.
Warren Ampersand: [Laughs] That's an artist's interpretation of the great prophecy. Tomorrow, you are prophesied to battle Ixcano, a monster with tentacles stretching across the galaxy to strangle everything. You alone can banish him to the darkness.
[The scene changes. Warren and Jake are walking outside again.]
Warren Ampersand: I've researched your world and created the ideal child room. See? [They enter a bedroom.] Space stuff, dinosaurs, and cowboys.
Jake: Cool. But you know it's a little late to try connecting with me, right? [Gasps] Is that clown cake for me? [He shrinks himself and excitedly begins eating the cake.]
Warren Ampersand: [Chuckles] I got you something else, too. [He holds up a wrapped present.]
[Jake gasps, unwraps the present, and gasps again. It's a belt inscribed with the words "Galaxy Saviour".]
Warren Ampersand: What do you think of your old dad's present?
Jake: [Wearing the belt] I love it! Still never gonna call you dad, though.
Warren Ampersand: Oh, I wouldn't dream of asking. But I hope you don't mind if I still wear this. [He is wearing a matching belt inscribed with "Proud Pop".]
[Scene changes. Warren and Jake are walking through a cheering crowd of aliens towards a door, wearing their belts. Jake blows kisses at the crowd.]
Aliens: [Cheering] Good luck, Jake! Savior us!
Warren Ampersand: [Laughs] This is the Sacred Temple of Pannishment. The temple door can only be unlocked by a stretchy dog.
Jake: With key ha-a-a-a-a... [He trails off as he sees the door] Uh...
Warren Ampersand: Beyond this door, there lies an ancient, awesome weapon called the Panzark.
Jake: I am so ready for this. This must be why I can stretch.
Warren Ampersand: Yeah, that totally tracks.
Jake: Hup!
[Jake enters the complicated series of tubes on the front of the door, laughing and grunting as he fills them with his body. The belts begin to glow.]
Jake: [Struggling] This is so complicated and rewarding.
Warren Ampersand: You're doing great, son!
Jake: Almost there. [Grunting]
Aliens: [Chanting] Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!
[Jake sighs with relief as he reaches the top of the door. The door creaks and swings open. The crowd cheers, and Jake laughs weakly.]
Warren Ampersand: The Panzark!
Jake: [Grunting, he picks up the Panzark and carries it outside.] Yay!
[Scene changes to night. Jake is lying in the bedroom. He looks decrepit and old.]
Jake: [Moans] Saving the galaxy's exhausting. I'm dying... for a soft pretzel with mustard. [Groans]
[Jake flops onto the floor and slithers like a pancake towards a curtained doorway that reads "private".]
Jake: [Reading] "Pri-tzels"! Oh. "Pri-vate".
Warren Ampersand: [From behind curtain] Hello, there, you handsome young devil. Have we met? [Jake slithers through the curtain and sees Warren talking to himself in a mirror.] Oh wait, it's just me! I didn't recognize this smooth, young skin or these vigorous kneecaps.
[Jake withdraws from the room quietly, a little creeped out. The scene changes to daytime. Jake is snoring in his bed, and is suddenly awoken by Warren energetically placing a lap tray on top of him.]
Jake: Oof!
Warren Ampersand: [Removing lid from the lap tray] It's another clown cake, with a side of cocktail hot dogs.
Jake: Dude, weren't you, like, dying?
Warren Ampersand: [Ignoring him] Shush, son! [He bats the clown cake to the floor and points out the window.] Ixcano approacheth!
[There is a rumbling and growling as tentacles appear on the horizon. There is screaming as they begin to grab aliens.]
Jake: Oh, dang.
Warren Ampersand: I'll go grab the Panzark.
[Warren smashes out the side of the building with great energy, carrying Jake and the Panzark. He places them both down.]
Jake: So how do I-
Warren Ampersand: You just gotta stretch through the convolutions of the Panzark to activate its kill beam.
Jake: More stretching, huh? [He grunts as he enters the Panzark.] Here comes the hero.
Warren Ampersand: Stretch, baby! Stretch!
[Jake continues to stretch through the tubes of the Panzark. His belt glows brightly. The Panzark lights up and fires a beam at Ixcano. The aliens cheer.]
Warren Ampersand: You're doing it, son!
Jake: Ugh. This is too much.
[More lasers are fired at Ixcano as Jake struggles through the tubes. He tires out and the tube he's in shatters. The Panzark deactivates.]
Warren Ampersand: Jake!
Aliens: Jake! Jake! Ja-
[The aliens suddenly stop cheering and recede into the ground. Ixcano disappears back over the horizon. The Panzark also collapses and recedes into the ground. Jake is left withered and aged, lying on the ground.]
Jake: What's going on? Where's that Ixcano jerk?
Warren Ampersand: I have a confession. There is no Ixcano. I made it all up.
Jake: So... you're not really dying?
Warren Ampersand: No, I was dying. I needed to siphon your precious stretchy essence to keep me young and virile. I use these belts as a conduit. The more you stretch, the stronger I grow! I've done it hundreds of times, to hundreds of sons. [He demonstrates by stretching his palm to show himself draining energy from a set of other figures.] But I never felt guilty before. Maybe it's because you're so much cooler than my other kids.
Jake: Well, I am cool.
Warren Ampersand: Or maybe it's this feeling your kind calls... low-key affection? I- I low-key affection you, son. [He kisses Jake on the head.]
Jake: I'm sorry, Dad. [Begins crying] I wasn't powerful enough to destroy Ixcano! [Sobbing]
Warren Ampersand: What? No. It was just me stretching the whole time. The Panzark. The people.
Jake: You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Warren Ampersand: I'll prove it. [He shapeshifts to resemble Finn.] "I'm Finn! I like pizza and dangerous girls." And here's Joshua! [He extends a new appendage and shapeshifts it to resemble Joshua.] "I'm no Warren Ampersand, but I guess I raised you."
Jake: [Chuckles] Do more!
Warren Ampersand: [Creates Lady Rainicorn.] "I'm Lady! Neigh." Oh, I know. You like parties! [Creates a bunch of party bears.] Here's a bunch of party bears!
Jake: [Laughs] Make more party bears! And make the tree house! Put party bears on the tree house! Put party bears in the sky!
Warren Ampersand: [Chuckles weakly] Okay.
[Warren fulfils each of Jake's requests as he lists them. He begins to noticeably age, while Jake is slowly restored.]
Jake: Keep stretching, you old phoney. It only makes me stronger! [He stands up, revealing that he has switched the belts.]
Warren Ampersand: Belt switch! But how?!
Jake: Old-fashioned grifting, ya rube!
[In a flashback, Jake is shown switching the belts while Warren was distracted by his crying. The flashback ends.]
Jake: My real dad taught me that trick.
Warren Ampersand: But I was a proud pop!
Jake: I'm the proud pop of a whole bunch of pups. The belt totally applies to me as well. [He shapeshifts to look like a photograph of his children.] See?
Warren Ampersand: Five stretchy pups.
Jake: Whuh-oh.
Warren Ampersand: You saved me after all! [He tries to open a portal, but he doesn't have the energy.] Out of juice. I need those pups!
Jake: Don't even think about it!
[Warren boards a tiny rocket ship. The whole of Nerraw is sucked up into the ship, leaving behind only a barren asteroid, the clown cake, and some cocktail sausages.]
Warren Ampersand: Can't wait to meet my grandkids and drain their essence. [The rocket takes off.]
Jake: Aw, nah! [He grabs the rocket out of the sky.] Leave my kids alone! [He moves the rocket towards the black hole.]
Warren Ampersand: If you destroy me, you'll be stuck on that rock forever!
Jake: My pups are worth it! [He throws the rocket into the black hole.]
Warren Ampersand: Not the singularity! I just wanted to live forever! [He leaps out of the rocket as it gets spaghettified and looks at the black hole below him.] I see now. This fleshy form has taken me as far as it can. I'm going 4-D, baby. [He is spaghettified.]
Jake: Bye, Warren Ampersand. Thanks for reminding me what it means to be a good dad [He reverts to his normal yellow color.] by being the worst dad ever. Never even got a pretzel.

Episode ends

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