Jake/Quotes

Actually, I think I'm beating it back with sheer willpower. (grows another lump) Oh, my.

—"Trouble in Lumpy Space"

No! Because no matter how messed up and lumpy I get, this guy never turns his back on me! (turns into Lumpy Jake) Oh yeah. Right behind ya. Just gotta turn my back on this guy.

—"Trouble in Lumpy Space"

Sleds are for suckers! Just ride on my gut!

—"Prisoners of Love"

Slime Princess, you shouldn't marry Finn. He pees his pants constantly. All the time.

—"Prisoners of Love"

She got past me, man. I tried to stop her, but she overpowered me.

—"Tree Trunks"

Hey! Crack open that book and read something for fun's sake, alright?

—"The Enchiridion!"

Seriously, Stanley... For a watermelon, you get into trouble way more often than you should.

—"The Jiggler"

(Imitating Princess Bubblegum) Hey, shorty. You should pick your boogers and then fart! (Imitating Ricardio) You look kinda like a big pink baguette!

—"Ricardio the Heart Guy"

I keep finding baby shoes. What the heck, man? And they're all lefties!

—"Business Time"

You know what they remind me of? Well-dressed pickles.

—"Business Time"

(imitating the Ice King) I'm the Ice King, and I'll never find a bride because I'm such a tool!

—"Business Time"

쟤가 설사래. [Jyae-ga seol-sa-rae.]
He said "diarrhea."

—"My Two Favorite People"

Uhh... No. No, she didn't say 'diarrhea who.' She didn't... say it.

—"My Two Favorite People"

He still cries when he poops. Thanks for being cool, guys.

—"Memories of Boom Boom Mountain"

This dolphin fell in love with me!

—"Memories of Boom Boom Mountain"

I wasn't scared! I was singing! I was singing my scream song. Wooaah! Wooaaooh!

—"Evicted!"

Finn, House-hunting is wiiiild! You've got to try it.

—"Evicted!"

I'd rather be dancin' with some babes!

—"Evicted!"

My subconscious must be hungry, huh?

—"The Witch's Garden"

You guys are so cute, I could just maul you to death.

—"The Witch's Garden"

Hey, hey. Come on, the ocean is your friend, and you got friends all around you right now. Miles and miles of friends.

—"Ocean of Fear"

I can't have you messin' up my bread and butter, dude.

—"Ocean of Fear"

And also swear to only speak in rhymes. Speak in rhymes all the times!

—"Ocean of Fear"

(deep, Elvis-like voice) Whatever you want, mama.

—"Dungeon"

Come put her out of her misery, dude.

—"Dungeon"

Eh. Um. Uh. I choose... sandwich.

—"Dungeon"

Just hop on my powdered doughnut, boy!

—"Dungeon"

Nah, we're more like cops. Crooked cops!

—"The Duke"

I could probably think of a reason of why that's villainous if you gave me enough time. Maybe...

—"The Duke"

I'll kill you and raise your children as my own!

—"The Duke"

I'm gonna go rescue all the babies in town. Only the babies.

—"Freak City"

Get your hero on, dude!

—"Freak City"

Heh heh. I can't take you seriously when you're singing, man.

—"Freak City"

Safety! Patrol! Safety patrol! Safety... Oh, were we not wearing the uniforms?

—"Donny"

I have pants! Spun from spider webs... by pixies.

—"Donny"

I wanna help you outta this, man, but she scares the filling outta my doughnut!

—"Henchman"

Don't you worry, Finn. I'll get you out of there. I've got a perfect plan! (Marceline sees him & hisses at him, scaring him off) I'm not running away, Finn! This is just part of my plan!

—"Henchman"

I saved my bro from a scum-sucking vampire!

—"Henchman"

The bazooka goblin has you in its sights!

—"Rainy Day Daydream"

Dang girl, if you weren't a figment of my imagination, I'd wanna to have your baby...

—"Rainy Day Daydream"

Oh man, I imagined my mom naked! Yuck!

—"Rainy Day Daydream"

Dude, be calmed by my saliva.

—"What Have You Done?"

Dude, suckin' at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something. You and I are like little baby Billys right now. And we're "sucking" on our first bottle of nonviolent milk.

—"His Hero"

I'm not cute, I'll mess you up...

—"Gut Grinder"

Hey, get outta here, horse! I wanna go to sleep and you're creeping me the math out!

—"The Eyes"

Forget it, man. This horse is whack. It's got poobrain.

—"The Eyes"

Yeah. I know, Finn. I diagnosed this horse with whacked out poobrain 5 minutes ago.

—"The Eyes"

Dude, let's kill the horse.

—"The Eyes"

Did you find out that I sleep in the nude? It's none of your business how nude I sleep, Ice King! None of your business!

—"The Eyes"

You don't just read the poetry to understand it, you got to feel it.

—"Blood Under the Skin"

Then just make it think it's her idea. That's how you make the ladies do what you want.

—"Blood Under the Skin"

Bad computer! No! No! Go sit in the corner, and think about your life.

—"Slow Love"

Girl, you smell good. Did you take a bath in rainbows and cupcakes?

—"Slow Love"

Dude, I'm going in.

—"Slow Love"

Take my sandwich, BMO. I'm gonna go find Fi-- (gasps) A dancing bug!

—"Power Animal"

Must... find... Finn! Must... must... (voice gets slightly deeper) party foreverrrrrrr!

—"Power Animal"

If I had a penny for every time someone went crazy, hopped up and magic energy... I'd be Abraham Lincoln.

—"Crystals Have Power"

Uh-oh. Somebody's gonna do a quest for a frog.

—"The Pods"

Gee! Sittin' in this hot sun guarding beans. Boy, it sure beats 26 miles of vanilla ice cream, or caramel ice cream, or peach ice cream.

—"The Pods"

This pod makes ice cream outta nothing! It's the goodest thing that's ever happened to me.

—"The Pods"

Buddy, just breathe into me.

—"The Real You"

Hey, Finn, let's split. This turned out to be boring.

—"The Real You"

It's probably a computal gleetch.

—"Guardians of Sunshine"

Easy peasy, livin' greasy!

—"Guardians of Sunshine"

They're trying to peel me! I'm... not... a... banana!

—"Death in Bloom"

We can rule them, like gods...(deep voice) angry gods.

—"Susan Strong"

(Susan Strong falls on the grass) You killed her... Yep. Felled by surface world germs.

—"Susan Strong"

You're sick, Party Pat! I'm gonna go watch T.V.

—"Belly of the Beast"

Hey man, watch it. I think that's my nerp, but like super stretched out.

—"The Limit"

Yeah, I could go for some blood.

—"Heat Signature"

And what if we turn evil? I'll have to start wearing cologne.

—"Heat Signature"

I love you, Everything burrito.

—"Conquest of Cuteness"

Wanna just smash 'em all?

—"Conquest of Cuteness"

Tastes better than blood! Or does it? Hey Finn, you think blood tastes better than ketchup?

—"Conquest of Cuteness"

(mumbling in his sleep) Meat Man. I'm sorry, Meat Man. I didn't mean it, man.

—Hitman

It's not easy, but you have to be persistent. You might have to defeat a demon lord, or warp through several worlds. But once you do, you walk up the wizard stairs, and produce your magic key you got in the water world and unlock the chamber door. Then, you walk right up to the princess, and give her a smooch. ...Does that make sense?

—"Too Young"

Well, I know what's missing. Talent. I'm getting out of here, you hacks. Talentless hacks!

—"What Was Missing"

Oh, I'm coming with you... if only to be disruptive and obnoxious!

—"Beautopia"

Fish People! I'll be, um... a dolphin!

—"Beautopia"

Whatever, man. This is a crazy cruise, and Susan is our crazy captain, and I'm a crazy clam shell!

—"Beautopia"

I'm puttin' an end to all this craziness with my Pick-Axe Hand.

—"Beautopia"

This ghost ain't home, man.

—"Ghost Princess"

Gotta find a honey for my homie! A baby for my buddy! (Deep voice) A lady... for my laddie...

—"Incendium"

They're all burned! There's barbequed bods everywhere!

—"Hot to the Touch"

Love like theirs will always find a way. It will crawl up all over you and drain your body fluids, poisoning you slowly until you pass out. Circle of life, Finn… circle of life.

—"Web Weirdos"

Yaaaaaaay! Noooooo!

—"Return to the Nightosphere"

Your heart may be small, but it's strong as a bull donk, and I know. You can wait through this line, so we can meet Hunson Abadeer and find out why we're here and why we we're in a pile of bañanles.

—"Return to the Nightosphere"

It's not answering questions, man. That thing's gonna bake our beans!

—"Return to the Nightosphere"

When you see the wicker devil in the tree afterlife, tell him Jake says, 'Hello.'

—"Hug Wolf"

Jakoria will reclaim what we have lost!

—"Card Wars"

Let me explain some junk about dating. Right now you're at tier one, which is hugging, but pretty soon you'll be at tier two, which is smooching. Then down the road you'll reach tier five, when she'll let you discover all fifteen feet of her long, beautiful stomach. And after a while you'll make it to tier eight where you touch her horn for the very first time. Very special.

—"Burning Low"

Stay away from that! Do not do tier fifteen!

—"Burning Low"

Ok, Princess. You need to stop breaking in here!

—"Burning Low"

Back off Bubblegum, that's his man's biz.

—"Burning Low"

You heartless monster! Do you have any idea how much he's cried over you? Finn deserves to be happy! Even if his bloopin' face gets burned off. You should be ashamed. You're sick!

—"Burning Low"

I'm-- puppies?!

—"Lady & Peebles"

Bad biscuits make the baker broke, bro.

—"I Remember You"

Your constant harassment of the female gender makes me siiick

—"I Remember You"

I dreamed I was in kindergarten again, but I had really big feet, and was also the teacher.

—"The Lich"

I wish for... a sandwich!

—"Jake the Dog"

Oh, what a good boy am I!

—"Five More Short Graybles"

Don't let the dragon drag on.

—"Davey"

Being crazy is hard. You’re getting all hung up, all hung up on imaginary problems. You gotta focus on what’s real, man.

—"Puhoy"

Hey, a bubble! Pop!

—"BMO Lost"

I look pretty!

—"Princess Potluck"

I really like turnin' into cop stuff. I literally can't stop turning into cop stuff.

—"Candy Streets"

Dude, don't make me feel any more awkward than I already do!

—"Wizards Only, Fools"

Cram your tram!

—"Be More"

Listen. I want to see you two do things for this bag of money.

—"Furniture & Meat"

I'm sorry you were born a fly and I had to kill you, you disgusting, disgusting creature.

—"Ghost Fly"

Moe probably only, like, listens to the sound of the earth decaying.

—"The More You Moe, The Moe You Know (Part I)"

I don’t think I’m totally scoopin’ what you’re poopin'.

—"I Am a Sword"