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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Hot Diggity Doom" from season 6, which aired on June 5, 2015.

This transcript is complete but needs better editing. (inaudible actions need to be added)


Peppermint Butler: [Sighs]
Mr. X: [Heavy breathing]
[Cage rattling]
Squirrel: [Grunting] Raaaah! Raaah! Come on! Get ready, toids! Raaah! I'm mean as a bus, and I'm mad as rocks!
Peppermint Butler: Gumball guardians! There's an enemy at the gates!
Squirrel: I'm an all-you-can-eat maniac! Whoops! Aw, come on! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Candy Person: Whoopee!
[Crowd cheering]
[Crowd murmuring]
King of Ooo: Thank you, little candies. Thank you. You warm the wax heart of this poor king of Ooo! Now, I hear you asking, "King of Ooo, how can you be so wise?" I'll tell you how. Did you know that I am 8000 years old? Could be.
[Crowd cheering]
King of Ooo: It's true. I'm that wonderful.
[Lens clicks]
King of Ooo: Now, Princess Bubblegum — she says she hasn't gone rogue. She says she's not a wild dog thirsty for blood. She says she's not a literal baby masquerading as an adult woman. She says a lot of things. Princess Bubblegum, you don't make sense!
[Crowd cheering]
Jake: This guy's really working on me.
Finn: Ennnh...
King of Ooo: Yes, dear? Do you have something to say?
Mrs. James: Mm-hmm. I'm James' mother, Mrs. James. My son got turned into a mutant mass and was exiled to the badlands by Princess Bubblegum.
[Crowd boos]
Princess Bubblegum: Trehh! Boo.
King of Ooo: Who isn't mad about their mutant children?
Candy dude: What about Sweet P, King of Ooo? You threatened to burn down his mama's orchard.
King of Ooo: I did. That is true. Sweet P, I was like a cornered animal. "I knew no' what thy doone." I'm sorry, Sweet P. Here. Psst — give me a kiss.
King of Ooo: Do you hear us, Princess Bubblegum? Do you hear us?!
Princess Bubblegum: Shhhhhhhhut up.
[Door opens]
Peppermint Butler: Princess, I'm sorry to disturb you, but I feel that you must campaign. The candy people are real dumb.
Princess Bubblegum: I'm studying something that could be real important. Dah! This dumb election. It's not even — [yawning] I mean, it's barely even — [yawns] ...barely even legal.
King of Ooo: A barely and yet fully legal election — that's what my campaign manager told me. Let's hear it for him — Mr. X! [Laughs] Weird, right?
[Crowd cheering]
Princess Bubblegum: And even being legal, I mean, I made everyone. I made their homes. The candy people are mercurial, but they're not dillweeds.
King of Ooo: And this definitely legal election is in the jam-covered fingers of you, the people — the candies. [Grunts] So, go. Vote with your hearts. Vote with your minds. Vote for the candidate who's not a teenage gum-golem.
Princess Bubblegum: I mean, they know that I love them.
Starchy: And the votes are in. King of Ooo is our new princess.
[All cheering]
King of Ooo: Hey, hey!
Princess Bubblegum: What?!
[Rapid footsteps]
Princess Bubblegum: Whaaaaat?! You dillweeds! You're a dillweed, you're a dillweed's secretary, and you're probably some dillweed I've never met! You're three dillweeds being dillweeds, and you're going to dillweed this place into the ground! And you — [growls]
Finn: Princess! Princess! I don't know what a dillweed is.
Jake: Hey, PB, what's the plan? We pledged our allegiance to you.
Princess Bubblegum: Your allegiance is to the kingdom. [Sighs] Dudes, I don't know. I don't know when I'll be back in charge — if I'll be back in charge. I need you both to stick around here and make sure the candy people are safe, even if it means working for a wad. Auf wiedersehen, meine champions. Mwah. Mwah.
[Bells ringing]
[Crowd cheering]
King of Ooo: There's a new golden and waxy mornin'. Good times a-comin'. You've got your warning. There's cheap healthcare, the workcamp's there. The general tone is laissez-faire. I'm a princess, I'm a princess. I'm a priiiinceeeess.
[Peppermint Butler grunting]
[Lock rattling]
Princess Bubblegum: What's up, Peps?
Peppermint Butler: It's stuck.
Princess Bubblegum: [Grunts] [Strains]
[Wood clattering]
[Bats screeching]
Princess Bubblegum: Ho, no, no, no, no! It's okay, everyone. It's okay. Close your eyes and repeat your safety mantra — hoodie hoodie hoodup, hoodie hoodie hoodup, hoodie —
Peppermint Butler: Princess?
Princess Bubblegum: Huh? Oh. Sorry, peps. I'm just so used to having my citizens around to protect. This is gonna take some getting used to.
Peppermint Butler: Permission to speak freely, ma'am?
Princess Bubblegum: Granted.
Peppermint Butler: This horrible dump does not meet the level of fancy to which I have become accustomed.
Princess Bubblegum: Noted. Also, FYI — my Uncle Gumbald built this cabin with his bare hands. I spent my summers here when I was younger. Anyway, it'll probably take a really long time for the candy people to realize a bad ruler is worse than a good ruler. Plenty of time to spruce this place up.
Starchy: Whew! Starchy thought life would be better under the King of Ooo, but now there's even more stuff to sweep. [Sighs] Poor old Starchy. Always getting the sweaty end of the lollipop.
Finn: Hey, Starchy. What are you doing — sweeping?
Starchy: Oh, uh, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Suh-wee-ee-eepin'. Yeah.
Jake: Mm. Hey, is it me, or is getting purpler out here?
Finn: Oh, yeah. I think that's the catalyst comet. Guess it's getting pretty close or whatever.
Jake: Getting close? Should we evacuate or...
Finn: What? No, no. It's cool, I think. It's just here to, like, shake things up, you know?It's okay. We've got sort of a — a relationship.
Starchy: C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-comet?! Oh, Starchy don't feel good about this.
Jake: Starch?
Finn: Eht.
Starchy's mind is burdened. Oh, Mrs. gumdrop! He's coming. The comet — it's gonna snuff out all life as we know it.
Mrs. gumdrop: What?! Oh, good Glob!
Jake: Shouldn't we try and calm them down?
Finn: Ehh, not after that whole knock-my-tower-over-onto-the-castle thing. A lot of guys got smooshed. They need to hear it from someone they really trust.
Finn: King of Ooo!
Jake: King of Ooo!
Finn: King of Ooo?
Jake: King of Ooo?
Finn: King of Ooo?
Jake: Wait, are you saying "King of Ooo"?
Finn: What are you saying?
Jake: I thought it was "kinkoff goo."
Jake: Hey. You hear that?
[Tapping continues]
Finn: Downstairs. King of Ooo? King of Ooo?
Jake: King of Ooo!
[Tapping continues]
Jake: What the —
Finn: It's that guy from before. He's mucking around with PB's ship — added all kinds of engines to it.
Jake: Hey!
Finn: Hey, what do you think you're doing? PB don't let nobody touch her stuff — not even me, and I'm cool — least of all you, you sauce-tasting Brian-sniffer — whoa!
Jake: [Gasps]
Finn: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yeeh! Yeeh! Whoa! Uhhh! [Weakly] No mercy, Jake.
Jake: [Straining] [Chuckles] Aaaaah!
Finn: Hey, I'm back — [Gasps] What the bing bong ping pong?! Gunther?!
Finn: What the king Kong sing song?! Whoaaaa — oof!
Gunter: Sayonara, suckers! [Laughs evilly]
[Crowd screaming]
King of Ooo: Uhh...
Banana Guard: [Grunts]
Banana Guard: [Grunts]
Candy person: Ugh!
Starchy: Comet! Comet! Comet! Comet! Comet! Comet! Oww!
King of Ooo: Aaaaah!
Toronto: [Munching]
King of Ooo: Toronto, I've been princess for four hours, and society has already totally collapsed. Plus, now the sky is falling, I guess. Is this possibly... Somehow my fault?
Toronto: Pbbt! No way! Okay, look. Without your calming presence and selfless leadership, this situation would have been a hundred times worse. History will remember you as Ooo's greatest hero.
King of Ooo: As always, the voice of reason. Once again, my saintly nature has compelled me, unthinking, to assume the burdens of others. But a true justice demands a true accounting. And truly this is all Bubblegum's fa-aa-aa-ault!
King of Ooo: Oof! Good glob! What no-o-o-o-o-w?
Princess Bubblegum: Looking good, Peps. Man, this feels kind of good, right? It's like we're building a whole new kingdom from scratch, only without all my beloved citizens this time... and their dull, pleading chicken eyes. Maybe the King of Ooo could hold down the fort for a little while. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Anyway, I'm gonna get some fresh air. B.R.B. What the — why's it so purple outsi—

Episode ends