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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Holly Jolly Secrets Part I" from season 3, which aired on December 5, 2011.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode begins with Finn looking at a map and then at Jake, who is smiling.]
Finn: Jake... you made this?
Jake: Yeah!
Finn: And you buried the treasure right here?
Jake: Uh-huh.
Finn: Jake! You're awesome! [Jake shrugs. They both begin digging.] So cool...
[After a scene transition, Finn and Jake are still digging. They eventually come across a case in the dirt.]
Finn: A suitcase?! Oh, man!
Jake: I found it at the dump and then buried it without lookin' inside.
[They open it.]
Finn: Whoa. Wait a second, man. I know this case.
[Flashback. Finn is dancing in the Cotton Candy Forest.]
Finn [voice-over]: One night, while you were away at Lady's house, I was dancing in the woods...
Ice King [in flashback]: Evil tapes! Evil!
Finn [voice-over]: Perchance I saw the Ice King doing something suspicious, so I trailed 'im to the dump, where he buried this case in the ground.
Ice King [in flashback]: You're evil, tapes! Full of evil secrets! That's why I'm going to bury you where no one will ever find you... under all these boogers! [Starts playing in boogers] Wee, hahahahaha! Wee, hahahaha!
Finn [voice-over]: I waited for him to leave... but he played in those boogers for hours. I decided to come back later for the case... but I lost track of it.
[Flashback ends.]
Jake: Whoa! And I found it?
Finn: Mm-hmm.
Jake: Heh-heh-heh. Let's have a secret screening! I'll make some fliers for it!
[Later, Jake is hammering a flier that says, "ATTENTION—SECRET TAPE WATCHING PARTY—TODAY AT NOON—AT FINN & JAKE'S AWESOME HOUSE *ONLY FINN AND JAKE AND BEEMO ARE INVITED. ~THANK YOU," to a tree. He's hammered in hundreds of these fliers.]
Jake: There. Now nobody will bother us.
Finn: Jake! Jake, come on!
[Jake runs to the Tree Fort. The words, "An Adventure Time Christmas" appear on the screen.]
Finn: Okay. You can play this [a tape], right, BMO?
BMO: Yes, Finn. It goes in my butt!
Finn: Oh.
[Finn inserts the tape.]
Jake: This is so exciting!
[Video starts. It's Ice King in his bedroom.]
Ice King [on tape]: Hello, dear diary. Pretty good day so far. Got up bright and early and had a healthy and slimming breakfast, did fourteen minutes of cardio (and then I finally got around to)...
Jake: [Talking over tape] Dude... what are we watchin'?
Finn: I think it's the Ice King's diary.
Ice King [on tape]: ...I mean, I'm not gonna win carpenter of the year or anything, but it's a place to hang up the old toothbrush.
[Penguin gets on Ice King's bed.]
Penguin: Wenk. [Walks up to camera]
Ice King: Gunther? Hey, Gunther. Get-get away from the camera, sweetie. Papa's recording his innermost thoughts. 'Member? I explained this to you? [Penguin rubs its stomach.] Hey, Gunther? [Penguin jumps up and down on bed.] GUNTHER!!!
Penguin: Wenk.
Ice King: [To camera] Well, anyway, as you can see, I'm not wearing my—
Penguin: Wenk.
Ice King: [To camera] I'm not wearing my—
Penguin: Wenk wenk.
Ice King: Sweetie, I raised my voice because you were giving me the silent treatment. You understand?
Penguin: Wenk.
Ice King: I love you.
Jake: Can we fast-forward?
Finn: No, man, we might miss something.
Ice King [on tape]: [Sighs] There must be more to life than this...
Penguin: Wenk.
Ice King: I know. You don't like when I'm contemplative. ...C-contemplative... No, con-temp-la—Let's put on a play!
Jake: What?!?
Ice King [on tape]: [Acting as Princess Bubblegum] Oh, Ice King! You're so cool! You take such good care of yourself! I wanna be with you!
Penguin: Wenk. Wenk wenk. [Pulls off pretend-beard]
Ice King: No, Gunther, beard stays on.
Penguin: Wenk.
Ice King: Gunther, I need ya to wear the beard!
Penguin: Wenk!
Ice King: Gunther!
Jake: Hey, pause it, BMO.
Finn: There's gotta be some evil secrets in here. I wanna keep watching.
Jake: Okay... Well, why don't I make us some snacks? So I don't have to watch... this...
BMO: Can we sit on the floor? I feel so far away from you guys!
[Time card: Meanwhile]
[The scene is in a snowy forest in the Ice Kingdom. A penguin has an apple on his head.]
Penguin: Wenk.
Ice King: [Cracks knuckles] Now hold still... [Aims for apple, but accidentally freezes the penguin's face] You moved! Hey, what's this? [Retrieves flier and reads it] "Secret tapes"?! I wanna watch! I'll catch ya later, Gunther! [Exits]
Penguin: Wenk!
[Back at the Tree Fort]
[Finn and Jake are watching another tape. On it, Ice King is throwing a party. A penguin walks off.]
Ice King [on tape]: Gunther, no! Gunther... [Another penguin reacts to the name] Dance pa— [The penguin looks away again] GUNTHER! [Penguin turns to Ice King again] Dance party! [This second pengin runs to Ice King, who dances.]
[Jake eats a snack. Finn tries to reach for a snack, but can't. Jake helps him.]
Finn: Thanks, Gunther.
Jake: [Chuckles and munches snack] You're Gunther. [Chuckles with Finn]
[On the tape, the second penguin exits the party.]
Ice King: Oh, fine! Who needs you? More dance party for us, right, Gunther? [Slow song plays and Ice King blushes.] Oh... Eh... [Chuckles nervously] May I have this dance? Heh! [Dances with penguin]
Finn: There's probably some evil secrets coming up. [Banging is heard on the front door.] Someone wants to see the secret tapes!
Jake: What? Oh, but I was so clear in my flier!
BMO: Let's peek through the window and check who it is! Maybe it's just pizza.
Finn: Right!
[Finn and BMO run towards the window.]
Jake: Wait! Wait!
Finn & BMO: What?
Jake: You guys are checking too loud!
Finn: [Whispering] Oh! You're right. [To BMO] More quietly!
[BMO turns down its volume.]
BMO: I am quieter now.
Jake: Cool.
[The three tip-toe towards the window and peek through it. Ice King is knocking on the door.]
Ice King: Hey, guys, it's me. Can I come in and watch the secret tapes with you? I brought some gifts! [Looks up]
[The trio dive from the window.]
Finn & Jake: Aah!
Finn: Okay. If we're quiet long enough, Ice King will think no one's home and go away.
[More banging on the front door.]
Ice King: Eh... No one's home. Guess I'll go away. [Starts to walk away]
[Suddenly, BMO's alarm for Finn's bath goes off. Finn and Jake panic.]
Ice King: [Noticing noise] Huh?
Finn: Just turn your alarm off!
Ice King: Hmm. That sounds like BMO! [Knocks on door again]
BMO: My alarm says it's time for Finn's bath. Finn, get naked.
Finn: [Whispering] No, just hit your snooze button!
BMO: I cannot self-snooze. It's against my programming.
Finn: [Whispering] Well, then, tell me how to do it!
BMO: Press and hold. [Finn and Jake do so.] Then, press the button on top of my head. [They do it. BMO makes a "car alarm off" noise.] I'm sorry. ...We can still take a bath...
[More banging.]
Finn: He must know we're watching his tapes. We need to find his secrets faster.
[Scene transition. Finn and Jake view another tape, on which Ice King is crying.]
Ice King [on tape]: Oh, diary! Thank you for listening to me!
Finn: Fast-forward, BMO.
[Slowed down, the tape says: "Y'know, diary, I've been meaning to tell you something insanely private...I'm serious,! Fill my bathtub full of milk and sit in it like I'm a magic angel! There, I said it. My, the milk is dense. But when I poke my little toes up from the milk, it startles me, but I giggle! I giggle, diary. I get cold toes, but I giggle! And then I fall asleep, and the milk curdles and I get all stinky and sticky. Disgusting, diary, I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting...I'm disgusting and I smell like curdled milk! Okay, so anyway, back to the Turtle Princess."]
Finn: Play, BMO.
Ice King [on tape]: So there we are. Turtle Princess is frozen and in my little ice wheelbarrow, and there was... magic in the air. We were both feeling it. [Scowls] But before I could leave the library, Finn and Jake show up. You know how Jake is. Stretch this, stretch that, bah! He knocks off my crown and then Finn bonks me on the nose. Still hurts, too. The worst part is Turtle Princess took away my library card! [Sighs] You know, dear diary, I'm starting to worry that all these entries sound exactly the same, and that my life is just me running in place on some... giant hamster wheel.
Jake: [Sighs tiredly] Fast-forward, BMO.
[Slowed down, the tape says: "This reminds me of the time that I got stuck in my bathroom. There was this squirrel- don't ask. Anyway, long story short, imagine me crouched down on the kitchen floor. Gunther got caught in the toilet paper! I'm like, 'hey guys, you want the yarn or the medicine?' and the toilet paper's like, 'pop!'" Workout music begins playing and the Ice King continues to speak in the background as Finn and Jake talk.]
Jake: I'm gonna take a nap...
Finn: No! These tapes are important! We just don't know why yet. BMO, fast-forward to triple speed!
BMO: Okay.
[BMO does so. On the tape, Ice King is working out.]
Finn: BMO, play normal speed.
Ice King [on tape]: [Trying to lift weights] Come on, baby... in the pocket... [Huffs, out of breath] I can't do it...
Jake: Maybe he's talkin' in secret code.
Finn: Telling evil secrets in secret code... He's brilliant!
Jake: Well, how do we decode the secrets?
BMO: [Ejects tape] Why don't we call others for help?
Finn: BMO, you're brilliant!
Jake: Well, who do we call?
Finn: Um... The smartest person we know, Princess Bubblegum! [Blushes] She's brilliant...
[Scene transition. Finn is calling her. Meanwhile, Ice King climbs to the upper story window, laughing deviously.]
Finn: Hey, Princess Bubblegum.
Princess Bubblegum: Hey, Finn.
Finn: Jake and I found a bunch of secret tapes! We were wondering if you'd help us decode them.
Princess Bubblegum: Codes?
Jake: [Taking phone] Yeah, they're really stupid, but, y'know... Maybe they're encoded or whateva.
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, you called the right person. I know a lot about codes. Let's start with—
[The line gets cut.]
Finn: What?
Jake: [Groaning] Ohh...
[They re-dial.]
Finn: Hey, Princess. We got disconnected.
Ice King: [On other end, imitating Princess Bubblegum] Hello, Finny. [Giggles]
Finn & Jake: Hey/Uhhh, you sound weird!
Ice King: Must be a bad connection. That's why we were disconnected earlier on the telephone.
BMO: Ice King is on the phone outside!
[They run towards the window.]
Finn: [Still talking on phone] So... how's the weather in Candy Kingdom?
Ice King: [Still imitating Bubblegum] Oh, the usual. There's ice everywhere and it smells like penguins!
Finn: The only thing that smells like penguins is you, Ice King!!
Ice King: [Gasps; normal voice] How did you—
Finn: What're you doing?!
Ice King: I wanna watch secret tapes with you guys. It'll be nice.
Finn: No, man!
Ice King: But—
[Finn hangs up.]
Finn: [To Jake and BMO] He doesn't know that we're watching his tapes. We gotta find these evil secrets before he uses them against us!
Ice King: Oh... Fine. No more nice. NOW YOU GET ICE!! [Flies up and activates his ice magic] Try watching those tapes with FROZEN EYEBALLS!
[Ice King laughs evilly as he sprays snow on the Tree Fort. Jake screams. The camera pans into his mouth as the first part concludes.]