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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Hitman" from season 3, which aired on August 1, 2011.

Music
None
This transcript is complete.

Transcript

[Episode starts in the Breakfast Kingdom. Breakfast Princess is eating breakfast alongside Toast Princess in a bed. Ice King peers at them through a window. He starts laughing.]
Ice King: Good morning, Breakfast Princesses. [He sneakily climbs in through the window. He comes up beside their bed with a jar of honey and a honey dipper. He drips honey on Breakfast Princess's waffles.]
Breakfast Princess: Huh? [Ice King looks up at them, mumbling incoherently and then suddenly frowns.] Sis, give me the phone. [Toast Princess hands her a phone from beside their bed. Breakfast Princess dials a number.] [talking on phone:] Oh, hey, Finn. I got another Ice King situation here. Oh, yeah? That would be great! Thanks.
[Finn and Jake barge through a door in the room.]
Finn: Ice King?! How many times have we warned you about using love potion?
Ice King: That's why I'm using honey.
Jake: Man, who cares if it's honey? You stink anyways.
Finn: [laughs] Yeah, you stink so much I'm gonna ground you for a week!
Ice King: What? You can't do that!
Finn: You're grounded for two weeks!
Ice King: You're grounded for two weeks!
Finn: [slowly] Three weeks.
Jake: Oh, snaps!
Ice King: Why? I didn't do anything.
Finn: Four weeks?
Ice King: [Ice King slaps his face and drags his hands down to his beard while facing the ceiling. He suddenly looks at Finn.] Fine. But I'm only gonna do it for a week.
Finn: That just grounded you for four weeks.
Jake: Oh, dang!
Ice King: [sighs] Okay. [Ice King starts to walk out. He turns back to look at Finn and Jake. Jake gives him the peace sign on both hands while Finn just smiles at him.] What's up with the peace sign?
Jake: Oh, nah, I'm just trying to show you how many weeks ya got.
Finn: Get outta here, bubble-butt!
[Ice King runs out while screaming. His butt outline is shown through his clothes. Finn and Jake laugh when he's gone.]
Jake: Awesome. [Finn and Jake knuckle-punch.]
[Scene changes to the Ice Kingdom at night. Ice King is heard screaming. The scene changes to inside Ice King's home.]
Ice King: This is so unfair! They're the ones who should be grounded. Not me! [Ice King shakes his head quickly.] I'm so mad! I could just hit them! If only I could hit them without leaving the castle. [Ice King taps his crown while closing his eyes in concentration. He gets an idea and goes over to his computer. He starts typing.] [reading what he's typing:] H...I...T...M...A...N. [in his own thoughts:] Ooh! [A profile pops up. It is the Scorcher's profile. It reads:

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[Scene changes back to the Tree Fort. Finn and Jake are asleep.

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[Suddenly, the Scorcher appears in the middle of the room. He turns into a black vapor and covers everything in the room. He goes inside Finn's and Jake's bodies through their open mouths.

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Ice King: Okay, mister, you are really trying my patience. How clear can I be?! All I want you to do is hit them. On the shoulder or something. [Ice King shows the Scorcher by punching him on the shoulder.] Are you even listening? Oh, I get it. [Ice King pulls out a wad of dollar bills.] Here's double the grease to not kill Finn and Jake. [The Scorcher burns the money while Ice King laughs nervously.] You trying to hustle me, Scorcher? Okay, I'll play this game. How about this prized piece for your pad? [Ice King pulls out a deer head mounted to a plaque. He presses a button, and the deer starts singing 'I wanna live live live, I wanna live live live.' The Scorcher burns it.] [yells:] No! Okay, how about these bad boys? Night-vision x-ray goggles. For when you have a lady house-guest. [The Scorcher burns the goggles off his face.] Oh, come on! [Camera shows two Gunters looking at the Ice King, then the other Gunter, then back at the Ice King.] At least renegotiate the target! You can destroy my least favorite princesses. [Ice King holds up a picture of Lumpy Space Princess.] What about Lumpy Space Princess? [The Scorcher burns the picture.] Ghost Princess? [Ice King holds up a picture of Ghost Princess.] I can't even hold her with my love mitts. [The Scorcher burns the picture.] Aw, geez! Uh... [The Scorcher makes a fire in front of Ice King's face.] Oh! A—A leg cramp! In my leg! Ow, ow, ow. [Ice King hops over to a door.] Oh, this is so embarrassing. I'll be right back! [Ice King exits.] [Scene changes to room near the entry room of Ice King's castle.] Ow, ow, ow! [Ice King hides beside the door.] Huh. Think, baby, come on. Ah! [Ice King pulls out a laptop computer out of his beard.] Alright, let's hit the hitman, right? There's gotta be a— [Ice King searches 'Hitman Hitman'.] Ah! [A profile for 'Blastronaut' comes up. It reads:

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[Scene changes back to main entry room, where Scorcher is reading a book off of Ice King's coffee table. A wall suddenly explodes, and Blastronaut bursts in, shooting lasers everywhere.

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Ice King: Oh, yes, of course. [He signs the contract.] There. [The Scorcher burns the contract and disappears in a black vapor. He leaves a paper that reads:

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