Graveyard Shift

Graveyard Shift is Starchy's radio show about paranormal activities.

Broadcasts

In We Fixed a Truck:

• Starchy: It's ten past the hour, and this is Graveyard Shift, hosted by me, Starchy the Gravedigger, your weekly five-hour dose of all the strange haints, phantasmagoria, and phenomena I see working in the Candy Kingdom Graveyard. Hello, caller. You're on the Graveyard Shift.

• Banana Guard: What? Am I—oh, hi! Um, longtime listener, first-time caller. So, uh, I think Princess Bubblegum has been replaced by, like, a lizard person. Yeah, a lizard. I love your show.

• Starchy: Oh, Starchy is very interested in this topic. What led you to this discovery, caller?

• Banana Guard: Well, um, my friend is a very highly-placed official in the Candy Kingdom, and I've noticed— (radio turned off during the episode)

In Jake The Brick:

• Jake: If a definition of bravery exists, then this must be it. A lone bunny, facing off against the elements, ineffectually pushing around some twigs with his pink bunny nose, a symbolic gesture, perhaps, but sometimes that's all we have. The wind is beginning to pick up. It's becoming clear that Mother Nature has not just knocked on the door, she has come in, sat down, and poured herself a drink. Mr. Bunny has no friends, no family, no loved ones of any kind. The wind is really picking up now. Small puddles gathering around the entrance to Mr. Bunny's cozy home are beginning to grow in size and connect with one another. It won't be long now. But what's this?! Looks like this unflagging little hero of a bunny will have some help, though! A family of friendly beavers appears to have taken up the cause.

• Jake: Often called nature's architects, these intrepid mammals are sparing no effort to shore up the endangered burrow. Here's an unusual sight. It's a Sea Lard! You'd expect to see a few mudscamps out in weather like this, but here we have a rare treat indeed. This little beauty is pretty far outside of her natural habitat, but I've heard it said by wise old salts schooled in ancient maritime lore that storms will sometimes blow them off course to a remarkable degree. Looks like we've got some pretty good evidence tonight. Yes, sir, sometimes those old sailors know what they're talking about. It's a triumph of experience versus the secondhand verities of musty academic tomes. This feisty Sea Lard is pitchin' right in to save the rabbit hole, belying its slothful reputation. She uses her prodigious swiveling behind to increase the size of the hole, while the beavers continue to reinforce the sides with straw and stick. Times like these, supposed cruelty and indifference of the natural world, all too often its most salient feature, pale before the nobler instincts of even our most humble kin.

• Jake: In the morning light, few signs remain of the summer storm that battered this idyllic glen. The beavers are finished with their work and are heading home. The Sea Lard looks like she's gonna wander the woods for a while. Maybe she'll find her way back to the ocean and write a novel about her experiences. Mr. Bunny is exhausted but can rest easy knowing that his home is secure. But alas, the bunny's rest is short-lived. The deer is back.

• Jake: The deer, perhaps confused by the antler-like appearance of Mr. Bunny's protective dam, is now testing the situation.

• Jake: The bunny is unsure of where this is going.

• Jake: And with a single smash from the deer's powerful front hooves, the bunny's home is under attack! Mr. Bunny has hopped to safety and can only watch as the deer continues its relentless rampage on the only home he knows. A couple more mighty smashes, and the dam—the dam has been breached! Water is now flooding in! The deer continues its attack! This deer's misplaced rage, combined with its size and weight, is more than enough to bring down the weakened walls, which are now starting to give, aided by the unforgiving weigh from the tree above. Even Mr. Deer, in his blind fury, seems to sense what's about to happen as he steps to one side!

• Jake: It's over. The warren has been destroyed.

• Jake: An injustice of astronomical levels. Words fail me.

• Jake: Actually, he doesn't seem that upset.

• Jake: He's on his feet, checking out his new surroundings—even the deer is impressed! As if confused by the events, he performs a comical double-take and retreats into the forest. Ladies and gentlemen, this bunny is indomitable!

• Jake: This bunny has the right attitude. Who cares about being a brick in a wall of a fallen-down shack? There's something bigger than that, and the bunny has answers. Teach me, Mr. B.

In Blank-Eyed Girl:

• Starchy: Welcome back to "Graveyard Shift". I'm your host, Starchy. You know what today is, everybody? It's our fifth-anniversary show. So many things have happened in that time. I switched from drinking rainwater to eating distilled ice chips. I took up rock climbing. My wife left me. And all new conspiracies. I firmly believe that all chocolate has been secretly replaced by mud. And why is the burrito man giving out free burritos? He's an amateur mad scientist trying to genetically change us into tortillas. When was the last time you sharpened your pencils Hm? Never. They're pens painted to look like pencils. Conspiracy! Okay, the board is lighting up. We're going to a caller. You are on the air, caller.

• Banana Guard: I'm a banana guard.

• Starchy: Oh, that's a good job to have.

• Banana Guard: Yeah, it's pretty good. So, I think I might have seen something not from this world.

• Starchy: Go ahead, caller.

• Banana Guard: It happened last Sunday. I was doing my laundry at the mat, when I saw a reflection of a girl with eerie blank eyes! I turned around, but nobody was there. It was scary.

• Starchy: Yeah, weird girls with soulless blank eyes. They've been spotted around multiple kingdoms across the centuries. Nobody knows what they are. But I have a few theories. They're ghosts, and the last things they looked at in life was so horrific, it made their eyes turn blank. My second theory... (inaudible because of conversation in the episode) by other blank-eyed girls touching their eyeballs. Blblblblbl! Spooky! They're walking fish that just happen to look like little girls.

(later)

• Starchy: Welcome, next caller.

• Finn: Hello, Starchy? Am I on?

• Starchy: Yeah, you're on.

• Finn: Longtime listener, first time caller.

• Starchy: We got the wonderful Finn the Human on the phone. Go ahead, Finn.

• Finn: Starchy, I'm in a blank-eyed girl situation right now. What should I do?

• Starchy: All right, stay calm. You called the right guy. The question is, why did she choose you? Are these visits random events? Finn, have you invited the blank-eyed girl inside?

• Finn: No. Why?

• Starchy: Because I believe the girls have to follow vampire rules? As long as you don't invite her in, you should be fine.

• Finn: Okay. Let me write this down. Oop! Starchy? She invited herself in.

• Starchy: Uhh... run.

• Finn: Starchy, she's staring right at us!

• Starchy: Oh! I got it -- Fairy rules. Try offering her some cream in a saucer. That should appease the blank-eyed girl's hunger and send her away.

• Finn: Gotcha. (later) Starchy?

• Starchy: Mm. Didn't work, huh? Must be a haint, then? Try playing the clarinet. Haints hate the clarinet.

• Finn: Starchy, I think they like the clarinet music! Also, there's six of them now!

• Starchy: Jeepers! Really? Uh... o-okay. Now I definitely know what you're dealing with -- an undead. The undead fear the gaze of the common yard chicken.

• Finn: Our chicken ran away, though.

(later)

• Jake: Starchy, all your advice is made-up baloney!

• Starchy: Aww.