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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Goliad" from season 4, which aired on June 4, 2012.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode begins with Jake trying to form a cube with his body while Finn is trying to build a stick fort using twigs]
Jake: What'ya building?
[Finn stops building the stick fort.]
Finn: Um, it's just a little stick fort.
Jake: Oh, rad!
[Jake shrinks to a suitable size to play with the Stick Fort]
Jake: Look. It's just my size.
[Finn and Jake both laugh while Jake climbs onto the top of the fort]
Jake: [Role-playing] Hey, get away from my fort, you big stinky monster!
Finn: I like it when you get small, Jake.
[Jake picks up a leaf from one of the sticks]
Jake: Yeah, me too.
[Stick fort starts shaking mysteriously]
Jake: Whoa, whoa!
[The fort smashes into pieces. Jake falls but lands on his legs. Peppermint Butler appears from underneath the broken stick fort pieces.]
Finn: [Surprised] Whoa, Peppermint Butler!
Peppermint Butler: Finn, Jake, the Princess wants to see you.
[Scene changes to the Candy Kingdom, with Finn, Jake and Princess Bubblegum walking down a set of stairs.]
Princess Bubblegum: As princess of Candy Kingdom, I'm in charge of a lot of candy people. They rely on me. I can't imagine what might happen to them if I was gone. And after my brush with death at the hands of the Lich, [while yawning] I realized something. [Stops yawning] I'm not gonna live forever Finn. [Whispers] I would if I could.
[Finn and Jake stare at Bubblegum.]
Princess Bubblegum: But modern science just isn't there yet.
[Finn and Jake look at each other while Bubblegum is talking]
Princess Bubblegum: [While unlocking a door] So I engineered a replacement who can live forever.
[The door unlocks and Bubblegum opens it.]
[Finn and Jake stare.]
Princess Bubblegum: I call her... Goliad.
[Finn and Jake walk towards Goliad.]
Finn & Jake: [Finn] Wow! [Jake] Aww! She's cute.
[Jake trys to climb in her tub but Goliad pushes him out.]
[Jake laughs in response while Finn walks closer towards Goliad.]
Finn: Hi, Goliad. I'm Finn.
Jake: And I'm Jake.
Goliad: Hi, Finn. Hi, Jake.
Finn: Hi, Goliad.
Goliad: [Quietly] Hi, Finn.
[Princess Bubblegum sits on a small seat.]
Finn: What did you use to make her?
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, um... [Starts brushing Goliads's paw with a brush.] Pretty standard candy creature soup.
[Scene changes to a flashback of Princess Bubblegum trying to create Goliad.]
[Bubblegum pours in candy soup with Cinnamon Bun inside it into a mixture of a unknown green sludge.]
Princess Bubblegum [Voice-over]: Some acids.
[Bubblegum pours scientific acids into the mixture while Cinnamon bun climbs out of the green mixture]
Princess Bubblegum [Voice-over]: Some algebra.
[Bubblegum scrapes chalk dust of the small chalkboard into the mixture.]
[Bubblegum then pulls out a necklace that has a miniature treasure chest on it.]
Princess Bubblegum: [While picking out one of her baby teeth from the treasure chest] And I threw in one of my baby teeth so she had my DNA.
[Bubblegum throws the tooth into the mixture and starts stirring. Its mixture turns and starts glowing in a hot pink color.]
[Scene goes back in real time, inside the Candy Kingdom]
Finn & Jake: Wow, DNA?!
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah. All it takes is just one little tooth, or, [Pulls out one small strand of Finn's hair] a single hair.
[Bubblegum goes back to brushing Goliad's paw.]
Princess Bubblegum: It's all it takes.
[Goliad moves her paw away from the brush but Bubblegum keeps brushing in the same spot where her paw was.]
Jake: Princess Bubblegum, are you okay?
Princess Bubblegum: Yeah, I'm fine. I'm good. Haven't slept for a solid 83 hours, but... yeah, I'm good.
Jake: Aw, you should go to bed.
Princess Bubblegum: I can't go to bed, Goliad has huge, mondo mama brains.
[Goliad is then seen playing with a bunch of stuck together cubes.]
Princess Bubblegum: I still need to fill them with knowledge... [Starts yawning] about how to rule a kingdom. [Stops yawning]
[Finn and Jake go closer towards Bubblegum.]
Finn: What? Let us teach her.
Princess Bubblegum: Uhh, okay. I guess that will be all right.
Finn & Jake: [Finn] Yea! [Jake] Yeah! Teachers! [Finn] Yeah, woo-hoo! [Jake] Teach, teaching teachers.
[Goliad looks at Finn and Jake.]
[Finn starts running around towards the door and Jake stretches towards it in a pattern.]
Finn & Jake: Woow, woow, woow!
Finn: C'mon, Goliad.
[Goliad walks with Finn and Jake outside.]
Finn: [While leaving Bubblegum inside Goliad's room] See ya later, Princess! Get some sleep!
[Princess Bubblegum starts mumbling.]
Princess Bubblegum: Huh? Whu...? Bye guys...[Starts sleeping]
[Scene shifts to a playground]
Finn: Look, Goliad. This is a preschool. I'm gonna set up some obstacles and all that for you to learn on, is that okay? [starts patting Goliad]
Goliad: Yeah, thanks Finn. I'm excited to learn.
Finn: Okay, great. Jake, you go and get some kids from inside to help with the lesson and such.
Jake: Okay. C'mon, Goliad.
[Jake and Goliad walk towards the preschool building while Finn walks away and goes to find some items]
Goliad: Yes, Jake.
[Scene changes to inside the preschool room]
[Jake and Goliad walk inside]
Jake: Uhm...
[Jake and Goliad see the children being naughty and messing around]
[A peanut child jumps up and down yelling and growling]
Jake: Uhh...
[Jake notices some two candy people trying to rip one of the children's arms off while he is laughing]
[One of them rips his left arm off and starts hitting him with it]
Red Gumball/Candy Child: [while beating him up] Stinking, durken...
[A marshmallow child is seen eating some of the toys, then suddenly a screaming green candy person falls and gets injured right next to him. The marshmallow starts beating him up]
[Some more of them are messing with their nanny]
Candy Nanny: Now, now, settle down.
Goliad: Jake, these kids seem pretty scary.
Jake: Ah, nah, these kids ain't nothin'! Kids groove doozyploon! Check this out.
[Jake walks towards the kids]
Jake: Hey, there kids, who wants to play--
[Jake gets interrupted by the kids because they are shouting at him, then start running towards him]
Jake: Uhh, easy now children. Easy-
[The kids start climbing onto him]
Peanut Child: Get his brain! Get his brain!
[Goliad stares in shock]
Peanut Child: Get his eyes!
[Jake breathes in and pops the kids off of him and starts growing into a gigantic size while also turning red]
Jake: LISTEN UP! YOU KIDS BETTER STOP DONKIN' AROUND! YOU'RE GONNA MESS UP GOLIAD! [he barks at the kids who start running in fear and stand by one of the walls] IT'S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY, GET IT? I'M DON JUAN CHERRY TEMPO! NOW MARCH, GLIB BLOBBIT!
[Kids go outside.]
[Jake shrinks back to his normal size.]
Jake: Don't be acting all crazy!
[Jake and Goliad go outside with the kids.]
[Scene changes to outside of the building with the obstacle course being created.]
Jake: Wow, holy shmow!
[Jake, Goliad, and the kids walk to the obstacle course.]
Finn: Oh, hey, y'all are just in time. You ready to pop this croc's back Dr. Goliad?
Goliad: Yeah, I think so Finn. I've learned a real lot already so far. Sooo much... from Jake.
[Jake starts to worry.]
Jake: Uh, you know, Finn... maybe this isn't such a good idea, actually.
Finn: Oh, no, it's cool. I got helmets for everybody.
[Scene shifts to Goliad and the children starting to do the course.]
Finn: Okay, Goliad, you ready to lead? [Pulling out a stop watch]
Goliad: Ready!
Finn: Okay, in 3, 2, 1... [Finn starts the stop watch timer.] Go!
[Goliad viciously reacts and starts mimicking Jake from earlier.]
Goliad: Alright, listen up! You kids better stop dunking around and get on that ramp!
[Kids start climbing up the ramp in fear.]
[Finn and Jake start worrying a lot.]
Goliad: You're gonna mess up Goliad! I'm Don Juan Cherry Temp— [Kids start progressing with the course.] Cherry Tempo! It's my way or the highway, Glob-globbit!
[Kid trys to climb up onto to the next rock but Goliad scares him off by mimicking Jake's bark.]
Finn: Stop stop! No, Goliad, no! Leading isn't about scaring people, you gotta stay calm and use your head. Use that beautiful brain, girlfriend.
Goliad: My brain? Are you sure?
Finn: Yeah! Don't be shy. Try it on me, lead me.
Goliad: Okay, Finn. [An eye comes out of her head and Goliad's psychic powers show themselves as she starts to control Finn psychokinetically.] Okay.
[Goliad makes Finn do the entire course under Goliad's PK control.]
[Finn hits a bell and falls out of her spell.]
Finn: [Starts gasping for breath and coughs.] No, Goliad, that's wrong, too.
[Jake stretches to Finn and helps him up.]
Finn: You can't just control people or whatever, it's messed up.
Goliad: No, Finn. This way is good. Everyone did what I wanted. Really fast, no mistakes, calm like you said. This is definitely is the way to lead. Definitely.
Finn: Um, no, no. ...Wait, is that true? [Starts pondering]
Jake: C'mon, Goliad. Let's go see Princess Bubblegum.
[Scene shifts to Bubblegum's bedroom]
[Finn and Jake burst through her bedroom door]
Finn:  Princess! Princess!
Jake:  Goliad's got mind control powers!
Finn: She got the wrong idea about leadership!
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, I was afraid this might happen. Where is she now?
Finn & Jake: [Finn] She's chilling in the garden! [Jake] We left her outside the garden!
[Scene shifts to the garden.]
Princess Bubblegum: Hello, Goliad.
Goliad: Hello, Princess.
Princess Bubblegum: I hear that you learned a lot today.
Goliad: Yes, I led the children.
Princess Bubblegum: But Finn said you used yelling and mind control.
Goliad: Yes, it was good.
Princess Bubblegum: Goliad, [Gets a bee on her finger] let me tell you about leadership. You see this fat bee? It's gentle [Picks up a flower] and makes the flower happy, and pollinated. They both get what they need...[Bee gets some pollen from the flower] ...and that's how leaders should be.
[Bee flies towards Goliad.]
Goliad: No, Princess. Bee cares not for flower. If getting pollen hurts or kills flower, bee would not care. [Kills the bee] Bee is stronger than flower.
[Goliad's third eye appears from the top of her head and starts controlling the bee herself.]
Goliad: Goliad is stronger than bee. [Controls bee to hurt and annoy Finn and Jake] Goliad is stronger than all.
Princess Bubblegum: [Gasps and starts speaking in her mind] Oh, no. She's too far gone, too corrupted. If we're not careful, she can throw an ultra-tantrum and wind the castle apart. I will have to disassemble her and try again.
[Being a psionic candy sphinx, Goliad reads all of her thoughts and knows her plan]
Goliad: No, Princess. [Bubblegum gasps] [Spinning her head towards Princess Bubblegum] This is my castle now.
[Goliad pounces behind Finn and Jake and jumps nearly to the top of the castle and destroys a wall.]
Finn: Don't worry, Princess. We'll stop her!
Princess Bubblegum: No, Finn. She's far too powerful. Here's the plan: I'm going to build another Candy Sphinx in my lab. It's the only thing that can possibly match her. Just keep her busy 'til I return. [Starts to run towards the lab] And don't think about the plan! She can read your minds!
[Jake stretches himself to the top of the castle with Finn.]
[Finn hides around the corner of the destroyed wall and checks to see if the coast is clear, but Goliad controls some candy people to attack but Finn and Jake try to escape.]
[Goliad turns a corner and finds Finn and Jake.]
[Jake enlarges himself to scare Goliad - but he forgot she can read minds.]
Jake: [Thinking] Ugh, eyeball... Just tuck that eyeball back in its hole.
[Goliad gets upset and makes Jake eat all of the candy people she is controlling.]
Finn: Goliad, no!
[Jake falls off the edge.]
Finn: [Shouting] Jake, don't swallow!
[Goliad tries to read Finn's mind.]
Finn: Uhh, you're in Finn's bubble.
[Goliad starts reading his mind]
Finn: [In his mind] Don't think of the plan... Think of something else. Think of something else.
[Finn thinks of earlier with Bubblegum.]
Finn [Flashback]: Don't worry, Princess. We'll stop her!
[Finn tries to stop thinking of the plan.]
Princess Bubblegum [In Finn's mind]: No, Finn, she's too—
[Finn resists Goliad's mind probe by making Princess Bubblegum's head a dolphin.]
Princess Bubblegum [Finn's mind]: Anyway, like I was saying, she's far too powerful—
[Finn's mental resistance makes Princess Bubblegum's head blows up.]
[Goliad starts trying to focus more and get deeper into his thoughts.]
[Multiple Bubblegums appear in Finn's mind.]
Princess Bubblegums: Finn, she's far too powerful. Here's the plan.
[The mental resistance turns each of the Princess Bubblegums turn into Finn as a baby.]
Baby Finns: I'm a buff baby that can dance like a man. [Goliad focuses even more.] I can shake-ah my fanny, I can shake-ah my—Ahh!
[Baby Finns all melt and form a giant Princess Bubblegum]
Princess Bubblegum [Finn's mind]: Here's the plan. I'm going to—
[Finn pushes his resistance to the limit as another Finn appears, just as tall as the Princess Bubblegum giantess, and wraps her with the mud and grass from the floor.]
Princess Bubblegum [In real world]: Goliad! No!
[Goliad stops reading Finn's mind and looks at Bubblegum and a new Sphinx, with Finn's hair color, white fur and a bird head, resembling a griffin without wings.]
[Goliad runs away but the new Sphinx kicks Goliad onto part of the Castle.]
Goliad: Wait, brother, why must we fight? Rule with me!
[Stormo squawks in response.]
Goliad: No, brother! Don't you see? They're turning us against--
[Stormo squawks again, interrupting Goliad.]
Goliad: So be it.
Princess Bubblegum: Finn, are you okay?
Finn: Yeah, that dude saved me.
Princess Bubblegum: That's Stormo, Goliad's new brother.
Finn: Wha-- What are they doing now?
Princess Bubblegum: They're about to have a psychic showdown.
[Stormo and Goliad spawn their third eyes out of their foreheads and begin to fight, Stormo and Goliad pounce on each other but their match is a stalemate.]
Jake: Wow, man, so, like... I guess they're so evenly matched that it's a stale— [Spits out Chet] It's a stale— [spits out another two candy people]
Finn: They're so evenly matched that it's a stalemate!
Princes Bubblegum: Yes. Stormo sacrificed himself to keep Goliad in check for all eternity.
Finn: Well, that's pretty cool, but... I don't understand. If Goliad and Stormo are the same, how come Stormo is a good guy?
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, that's simple: I used some of your heroic DNA in Stormo's recipe and not Goliad's.
[Flashbacks to Bubblegum taking one strand of Finn's hair, then returns back to real time]
Finn: Oh, whoa so, that means Stormo is like... my son?
Princess Bubblegum: Well, yeah... in a way.
[Finn looks at Stormo.]
Finn: Happy birthday, Stormo.
[The camera zooms at Stormo and he continues keeping Goliad in check and the episode ends.]