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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Ghost Princess" from season 3, which aired on January 30, 2012.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode starts in the woods with Finn and Jake by a campfire. Finn is roasting hot dog meat.]
Finn: Just about done.
Jake: Mm, oh boy.
Finn: How much Softy Cheesy for ya deezy? A little? A lot?
Jake: Blech! None!
Finn: But you used to love Softy Cheese!
Jake: I don't wanna talk about it.
[Camera becomes someone's point of view. The person is viewing Finn and Jake; the person rushes towards Finn. Finn feels a gust of wind and hears a noise. He spits out his food.]
Finn: What was that?
Jake: Probably an owl. [Takes a bite of his hot dog] Mm... Mm, mm... [Spits out his food] A ghost!!
[Ghost Princess is seen floating towards them.]
Finn: Dude. It's just Ghost Princess. Hey, GP. [She howls.] [Whispering to Jake] She's weird, huh? [Ghost Princess gets closer to Finn and howls again.] How's it goin'?
[She flies around and howls some more.]
Jake: Are you haunting us?
Ghost Princess: Yeeeeessss...
Jake: Oh, okay.
[She resumes howling.]
Finn: [Tactfully] Well, could ya knock it off??
Ghost Princess: Sorry... It's just... I'm doomed to haunt this mortal plane...
Jake: Oh. Well, let's hear more about that, honey.
Ghost Princess: Until I discover the cause of my death, my soul can't ascend to the 50th Dead World. But as a ghost, I have no memory of my mortal life... and no idea how I died...
Finn: [Gasps] It's a crime case!
Jake: Whoa, step back, nephew. We don't know she was moidered!
Finn: That's right. We don't even know how she was moida'd, but I'm the hard-boiled sleuth who's gonna crack your case wiiiide open!
Ghost Princess: OH! That sounds wonderful!
[Scene transitions to Ghost Princess's home cemetery.]
Ghost Princess: This way, gentlemen!
[The three enter.]
Jake: Whoa. Your neighborhood is... uh... very peaceful.
Ghost Princess: It's the cradle of my despair...
Jake: [Awkwardly] Right, right.
Ghost Princess: Well... here's me.
[Finn slides off Jake and goes to a grave.]
Finn: Our first clue! [Reading grave] "Female." It's a good start, but we need more. Jake, it's time to interrogate the neighbors. We'll do it good cop bad cop style. I CALL BAD COP!
Jake: Awww...
[Finn walks over to a grave.]
Finn: Yo, ghost! Yo, yo! Yo, wake up, fool! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
[Ghost comes out of grave]
Boilbee: What?!?!
Finn: Yo, ghost, whaddaya know about the lady buried next to you?
Boilbee: What, you mean her? [Pointing at Ghost Princess] She's been here longer than almost anybody!
Ghost Princess: He's right...! [Starts crying]
Boilbee: And don't think I don't see what you do, Ghost Princess.
Ghost Princess: What...?
Boilbee: Sneakin' off at night, scarin' peeps, hauntin' at all hours... 'cause you can't deal with your issues!
[Ghost Princess gasps and cries again. Boilbee chuckles. A cheese puff is thrown at him.]
Clarence: Leave her be, Boilbee.
Boilbee: Whaaat?
Clarence: A princess deserves empathy, not your sass. [Throws another cheese puff at him]
[Ghost Princess gapes in awe.]
Boilbee: Nyeee... nyeee... Butt out, Clarence!
Clarence: Some of us still want to feel, you know? The vital... [Eats another cheese puff] ...magnetism of life. [Ghost Princess stares in amazement.] The vibrating energies that connect all living and... nonliving beings.
Boilbee: Nyaaargh! I don't like your words! Arrrgh... [Sinks back in the ground]
Ghost Princess: [To Clarence] I'm Ghost Princess. Have we met before? I feel like we have.
Clarence: I don't think so, m'lady, but I am honorèd.
Finn: Whadda you know about Ghosty-pees gettin' murdle-lurdled?
Clarence: Sorry, I don't know anything. I can't imagine anyone who would harm someone as beautiful as this. [Kisses her hand]
Jake: Whoa. Smooth.
Clarence: Did you try looking yonder? [Points away] That's where the ne'er-do-well ghosts hang out.
Finn: Right... Ne'er-do-wellers. Let's do this, Jake.
Jake: [To Ghost Princess and Clarence, running off with Finn] You stay, and eat cheese puffs!
[The two ghosts throw cheese puffs into each other's mouths and laugh. Scene cuts to the ne'er-do-well ghosts' graveyard.]
Finn: Geez. Look at this place. It's all bunked up.
Jake: Yeah, no wonder this is where the ne'er-do-wells go when they deezy. I got a feelin' these ghosts are gonna be harder to shake than Boilbee.
Finn: Yeah, well get ready, 'cause this biz is gonna get ridonk.
Jake: Cool, man. Hey, can I be bad cop now?
Finn: No. Okay, let's check this guy out.
[They walk over to a grave]
Jake: What's it say?
Finn: [Reading grave] "Some donkus." WAKE UP, DONKUS! WE GOT QUESTIONS! DINGUS! TIME TO SING, YA CANARY! [Digs into the grave while grunting; opens coffin] BAM!! YAH! [Grabs body] What'chu know about Ghost Princess, huh?! Give it up, Dungus!
Jake: Hey, man, take it easy.
Finn: [Slaps Jake's hand off] You do your job, I do mine! [To body, in a low growling voice] TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW, PUNK!! Uh-oh. [Picks up broken dagger] What's this? A busted knife. Is this your knife, bro? TELL ME!!! [To Jake, whispering] Jake, good cop...
Jake: Alright. Cool off, bad cop! [Pulls Finn back] This ghost ain't home, man!
Finn: [Pants heavily] Well, you're lucky my partner's here... pal.
Jake: He's not worth it, man.
Finn: [Grunts] These ghosts think I'm playin'. They think it's all a big game. But you know what? You know what I'm gonna do?
Jake: What?
Finn: I'm gonna turn this game... UP-SIDE-DOWN!!! [His voice echoes.]
[Scene cuts to the location of the Spirit Waves show. Ghost Princess and Clarence are there.]
Ghost Princess: So, you really don't know how you died either?
Clarence: Of course not. [To ticket vendor] Two, please. [To Ghost Princess] And we might never find out, but that's okay because right now, in this moment, I'm feeling pretty sweetles, you know?
Ghost Princess: I feel... sweetles also in this moment also.
Clarence: That's great, Ghost Princess. I'm glad we can feel this way together, in the face of uncertainty.
Ghost Announcer: Llllladies and gents! The center for Ghost Community Outreach and present... SPIRIT WAVES!
[Audience applauds; Spirit Waves starts performing.]
Clarence: More beautiful than I could imagine.
Ghost Princess: Are you talking about Spirit Waves...?
Clarence: I'm talking... about you, Princess.
[Scene cuts back to the ne'er-do-well ghosts' graveyard.]
Finn: YYYYAAAAAH!! [Rapidly batters a fryer basket with a stick then breaks a pole by kicking it] GHOSTS! YOU GHOSTS! COME OUT! [Throws the stick at what looks like a tree then starts running around panting]
[Jake discreetly steals a ring from a dead hand.]
Jake: I think this place is abandoned, man.
Finn: They're just hidin' 'cause they know they're guilty!
[Muscular Ghosts enter.]
Muscular Ghost 1: Yo! Yo! That's my grave! Why're you fops trashin' our spot?!
Finn: [Nervously] We thought you were... hiding.
Muscular Ghost 2: Dude. We were at the Spirit Waves show.
Muscular Ghost 3: Kill these fools!
[They charge.]
[Clarence and Ghost Princess drop in.]
Clarence: Hold up! These guys are with me.
Muscular Ghost 3: ...A'ight, Clarence, but only because of that one time when I did that thing by accident and you were cool about it.
Muscular Ghost 1: It's your lucky day, punks.
[Muscular Ghosts sink into the ground.]
Jake: Phew! Thanks, Clarence!
Finn: Yo, I'm sorry we haven't solved the case yet.
Ghost Princess: It's alright, Finn... I'm calling off the investigation.
Finn: What? Why?
Ghost Princess: I don't feel tormented anymore now that I'm with Clarence.
Finn: Oh. That's... that's cool.
Ghost Princess: It's hard to explain, but it's like we already know each other.
Clarence: I feel it, too. Our spirits must be intwined in the cosmic wheel of time.
Jake: Nice!
Clarence: Let's go to my private mausoleum where we can be... private. [Exits with Ghost Princess]
Finn: Yugh!
Ghost Princess: [To Finn, exiting] Thanks for your help...!
Finn: A'ight. [Sighs] [Scene cut; Finn and Jake are walking out of the cemetery] Man... I wanted to crack the case, y'know?
Jake: Look on the bright side, guy! We looted all this sweet grave booty! Ka-ching! [Drops a variety of treasures]
Finn: Jake! You looted?! That's bad, man! You're supposed to be good cop.
Jake: Oops... I didn't know it was wrong.
Finn: Come on, let's put all this stuff back.
Jake: What?! All of it?!
Finn: Yes, Jake. [Wipes dust off broken dagger] Huh. This dagger says, "Rence."
Jake: What's that?
Finn: I guess some donkus's real name was... [In realization] ReeeeEEEENCE?!!
[Flashback begins.]
Ghost Princess [In flashback]: Have we met before?
[Transition to next memory]
Ghost Princess [In flashback]: It's hard to explain, but it's like we already know each other.
[Transition to next memory]
Finn [In flashback]: Is this your knife, bro?
[Transition to next memory]
Jake [In flashback]: This ghost ain't home, man.
[Flashback ends.]
Jake: What is it, dude??
Finn: [Low, growling voice] ...We gotta dig up the princess.
[Cut back to the cemetery; Finn is digging in Ghost Princess's grave, grunting.]
Finn: Look! [Pointing at a piece of a blade stuck in Ghost Princess's physical body; he pulls it out] Sorry. [To Jake] Lookit! [Puts dagger pieces together; the name "CLARENCE" is formed] "Cla-rence." Clarence was some donkus!
Jake: Some donkus skee-bopped Ghost Princess!!
[Cut to the mausoleum; Clarence and Ghost Princess are about to kiss, but Finn and Jake interrupt by busting in.]
Jake: STOP!
Finn: Clarence is your murdler!
[Finn puts the dagger in the light so they can see; the light rests on Ghost Princess. Suddenly, Ghost Princess gasps and then grunts [Nyaaargh!] and her eyes light up. A flashback begins. War is about to rage. Warrior Princess puts on her helmet and charges with her army, spear in hand. Clarence charges with his army, sword and shield in his hands.]
Clarence: Warrior Princess! Give up your kingdom!
Warrior Princess: Never! Not even to you, my love!! [They run into each other - Clarence blocks Warrior Princess' spear attack and plunges his sword deep into her with a sickening stabbing sound.] Aaagh... [Takes off her helmet, barely clinging to life] Clarence... I--... [Exhales as she dies]
Clarence: My love... [Sobbing] NOOOOOO!!! [With his only love now slain by his blade, Clarence continues weeping as Warrior Princess' soul leaves her now-useless husk of a body behind]
[Flashback ends and Ghost Princess's eyes dim, now knowing her cause of death.]
Clarence: I... did it?
Ghost Princess: I forgive you, Clarence! Take my hands! Ascend with me to the 50th Dead Wooorld...!
[Clarence attempts to grip her hands but his phase through hers.]
Clarence: I can't! My soul is stuck! I have to know how I died! Oh, Glob... My life is like a fart.
Jake: Whoa, wait a minute. Say that again!
Jake: I know you, man! From the Squeez-E-Mart!
Clarence: Huh? Uh... Squeez-E-Mart? I'm starting to remember! [Eyes light up and flashback begins at the Squeez-E-Mart.] [Voice over] I was a broken man.
[Clarence in the flashback is lying on the floor, feeling like a fart after the war. After he slew Warrior Princess. He pulls himself up to Tonya, the cashier.]
Clarence [In flashback]: More.
Tonya: Think you've had enough, man.
Clarence [In flashback]: I don't care. My life is like a fart.
Jake [In flashback]: Huh?
Clarence [In flashback]: [Walks over to the Softy Cheese dispenser] My life is like a fart! [Drinks Softy Cheese from the dispenser]
Jake [In flashback]: CITIZEN'S ARREST! [Clarence ignores him and bloats up.] Hey, be careful, man!!
[Too late. Clarence dies a disgusting death as he explodes in a "cheesy" explosion. Jake, with some Softy Cheese splattered on him, is traumatized by this. Clarence's soul leaves what's left of his body, with Softy Cheese splattered all over the place like blood. Flashback ends and Clarence's eyes dim, finally knowing his own death too.]
Finn: So that's why you don't like Softy Cheese!
Ghost Princess: Claaareeence!!!
Clarence: Ghost Princess!!!
[They kiss and ascend together, blasting the mausoleum to pieces doing so.]
Jake: Congratulations, you kids!
Finn: Haha, yeah!
Ghost Princess: [To Finn and Jake] Goodbyyye...! Thanks for everything!
Clarence: [To Finn and Jake] Thanks for everything! Goodbye!
[They kiss and explode into fireworks. Camera pans down to the ground and shows Finn and Jake at their campfire from the beginning of the episode.]
Finn: You sure you're ready for this, man?
Jake: Yeah. Gimme one a' them cheesy dogs, man.
[Finn does so. Jake takes a bite and swallows with visible difficulty.]
Finn: All gone? [Jake nods.] Lemme see. Move your tongue left...
Jake: [Moving his tongue left] Wah-vah.
Finn: ...And right.
Jake: [Moving his tongue right] Vah.
Finn: I'm proud of you, pal. Real proud.
[Jake lets out a small burp and the episode ends.]