This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Finn the Human" from season 5, which aired on November 12, 2012.
Characters
Finn
Jake
Prismo
Farmworld Simon Petrikov
Billy
Farmworld Finn
Farmworld Jake
Bartram
Finn's mom
Finn's Dad
Finn's Baby Brother
Destiny Gang
Farmworld Marceline
Finn
Jake
Prismo
Farmworld Simon Petrikov
Billy
Farmworld Finn
Farmworld Jake
Bartram
Finn's mom
Finn's Dad
Finn's Baby Brother
Destiny Gang
Farmworld Marceline
Music
None
None
This transcript is complete.
Transcript[]
- [Finn and Jake are pulled into the portal created by the Enchiridion. They hit a floating chunk of land and sit there for a second. Finn looks up to see the Lich bound from rock to rock towards the time room in the apparent center of this dimension.]
- Finn: [gasps] He's heading for that cube. Come on, Jake.
- Jake: Oh, yeah.
- [The Lich enters the time room from a hole on the side. Finn and Jake bound to the time room and enter to find the Lich laughing next to Prismo. He then disappears.]
- Finn: Whaaaat?!?! He's gone!
- Jake: What?! What happened?!
- Prismo: Hey, hey! Did you guys see that? You know that was a ghost wearing a dead guy? That might be the nastiest thing I've ever seen. Na-na-na-na-nasty! Nasty jazz! Nast-- [Almost like beat boxing]
- Jake: Hey, hey! Easy, buddy! That's our friend Billy! He got possessed by the Lich! [Finn looks very sad and Jake puts an arm around him]
- Prismo: Oh! Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean nothin' by it! I mean, I have a lot of nasty friends. My uncle is nasty. I'm basically honorary nasty.
- Finn: [Jake stretches them down to the floor] Do you know where he went? We have to find our friend.
- Prismo: Who knows?
- Finn: [Depressed] Uh. Oh.
- Prismo: Actually, it depends on the wish I granted him.
- Finn: "Wish"? [Hastily]
- Prismo: Yeah, he wished for the extinction of all life and I did it. I guess it changed his timeline or something?
- Finn: WHAT?!?! OH GLOB!
- Jake: Whoa, wait a minute. How can that be if I'm still here kickin' it with my main man, Finn?
- Prismo: Oh, that's because you're safe in my time room until you make your wish.
- Finn & Jake: [They pause to think] Ohhhh.
- Jake: I wish that life wasn't anymore extinc—
- Finn: [Finn pushes Jakes arm down] Whoa! Wait, Jake. Don't mess this up. Think about it: if we wish everything back to normal, the Lich could just jazz it up again.
- Jake: Oh yeah. Jazz.
- Finn: Hmmmm. [Thinking]
- Jake: Hmmmm.
- Finn: I got it! I wish... the Lich... never... even ever existed!
- [Scene cuts to "Farmworld" — an alternate world where the Lich never existed. Farmworld Finn enters his farm house with Farmworld Jake]
- Farmworld Finn: Mom? Mom, what's wrong?
- Finn's mom: [Holding Finn's Baby Brother and looking concerned] Finn, I need you to do something for me. It's very important. [Jake barks] I need you to take the mule into town and sell him for as much as you can.
- Farmworld Finn: What! Sell Bartram? [Bartram sits up in the bed in the corner] But, I love Bartram. What the heck, Mom!
- Finn's Mother: Shhh! Finn please, just do as I say. [She looks out the window concerned]
- Trami: [Muffled by the distance] Got it?
- Farmworld Finn: [Looking out the window, Finn sees a group of “stylish” thugs harassing his dad] Dad?
- Trami: I push you, you fall down. [Trami and another gang member table top him]
- Farmworld Finn: The Destiny Gang?
- Finn's Mother: Everything will be fine, Finn, I promise. Now just do as I say. [Walks away]
- Farmworld Finn: [Finn is now outside near the fields sitting on a tree root] [sigh] I'm sorry, Bartram. I guess Dad must be in real trouble to be doin' this. But, I bet there's a lot o' fine folk lookin' to buy a good mule. Why, I bet I could even come visit sometimes. Won't that be swell, Bartram? [Looks around and sees that the mule is gone] Bartram? Dang it Bartram! Bar Bar! [Finn walks through some bushes to find Batram in a dead tree] What the- Bar Bar, how'd ya get up there? [sigh] Whoa! [Finn falls through some bushes and into an underground cave. Jake follows. There is a frozen missile with a dead man under it] Jake, look! Golden crown! Unbelievable! We can sell it and keep Bartram! Bong, bong. [Finn reaches for the crown]
- Farmworld Marceline: [She comes out from behind the missile and cocks her gun] Hold it right there!
- Farmworld Finn: Who are you?!
- Farmworld Marceline: I'm a thousand years old and this is my crown!
- Farmworld Finn: Okay, okay! But, um, maybe I could just borrow it for a little while. [Finn reaches for the crown again]
- Farmworld Marceline: Noooo! No! Noo! This crown is magic. Bad, terrible magic. Too dangerous for mortal fingies like yours! [Marceline has a flashback of Simon walking onto a hill to watch a squad of bombers.] One thousand years ago, my beloved friend Simon Petrikov gave his life to save this foolish, unworthy planet from annihilation. [A scene shows a mushroom cloud amidst a decimated city and a gang of demons surrounding the Lich walking away from it] A frightful bomb was poised to bathe the land in mutagenic horror, [Farmworld Simon is show directly below the bomb using his not yet complete powers to freeze the bomb in midair] but using his mastery of ice and snow, Simon froze the bomb in mid-flight only inches from the ground, where it remains to this very day. [We see Marceline in the cave again] Today, ever ripe and ready to blow. [We see Farmworld Simon being crushed by the bomb] But he alone was not saved. Trapped under the giant weight of the enormous bomb, poor Simon perished!
- Farmworld Simon: [In the flash back] Little help?
- Farmworld Marceline: [Farmworld Simon is seen dead and the crown is firing laser-like beams of energy] And the horrible crown, grieving its lost master, loosed a spasm of magic so wild and crazy the entire earth was buried in ice for four hundred boring years. [First we see a city being frozen almost instantaneously and then we see the earth covered in ice. The flashback ends.]
- Farmworld Finn: Uhh, none o' that is true, 'cause magic is fake. Daddy says the false prophets of old used cheap parlor tricks to control the people. [Farmworld Jake is growling] And to get babes. Like 10 or 12 hot babes each.
- Farmworld Marceline: No! Magic is real!
- Farmworld Finn: Lady! You been down here too long! Why don't you, just let me- [Finn goes for the crown again]
- Farmworld Marceline: Step off! Or I will use this!
- Farmworld Finn: Lady! Quit it with that thing! [Finn reels back and Jake begins barking again]
- Farmworld Marceline: I'm sorry. You must DIEEEE! [A laser beam is fired from the gun]
- Farmworld Finn: WAAAAAAAAAAaaaaah… ooo… uuum… [The laser is ineffective and passes right through him]
- Farmworld Marceline: Oh, man! This thing! Dang it! [She hits it]
- Farmworld Finn: Go, Jake! [Jake jumps at her as a distraction while Finn grabs the crown]
- Farmworld Marceline: Aaah! Go back to the underworld, ya beast. [She throws the gun weakly towards Jake]
- Farmworld Finn: Sorry, gotta save my dad! [They exit the cave]
- Farmworld Marceline: Destroy the world more like it! [huff] Dummy. I give up.
- Farmworld Simon: The crown. Go get it.
- Farmworld Marceline: I know you're not really talking to me. I'm not crazy!
- Farmworld Simon: Get the crown! Go get it!
- Farmworld Marceline: [huff]
- Farmworld Simon: Get the crown, Marceline! Go get it!
- Farmworld Marceline: I can't. My knees!
- Farmworld Simon: Oh, that's really disappointing I must say. I'm just—uh, whatever, you're really letting me down right now.
- Farmworld Marceline: Okay, alright. [farts]
- Farmworld Finn: [Finn is auctioning off the crown at the Junktown market] Cool crown! Who wants a cool crown? I found it on a dead magician dude!
- Guy #1: I'll take it!
- Farmworld Finn: Awesome! How much cash ya got?
- Guy #1: Ohhh, I'm poor. Uh, but what about I trade you for a personal concert at your house? I'll come over later and sing ya like, four songs. I mostly do covers, but I have originals too. Do you own any spoons?
- Farmworld Finn: No.
- Tromo: Let me see that! [He takes the crown]
- Farmworld Finn: Hey!
- Tromo: Heh!
- Farmworld Finn: [gasp] [Finn has a flashback of the D gang harassing his dad] Wait, Destiny Gang. I gotta sell that to pay you guys!
- Tromo: Trami, what you think? Is it my style?
- Trami: Big Destiny will know. Yo, boss! [Trami throws the crown to Big D who is looking off the cliff]
- Big Destiny: Snap! Huh? What is this? [He turns around] Are you tellin' me what to wear, Trami?
- Trami: No, boss, you look good! [He is sweating]
- Big Destiny: You think I should reinvent my style and put a stupid thing on my head?!
- Trami: No, man! You tell us what to wear!
- Big Destiny: Otherwise you would dress like an idiot! Bam! Crown shorts! [Big D puts the tip of the crown in his extremely short shorts]
- Trami & Tromo: Amazing! [Everyone begins clapping.]
- Big Destiny: Yeah-ha-ha!
- Tromo: Clap harder, trash bag! [He pushes down an old man who begins silently crying and clapping faster]
- Farmworld Finn: Okay, you guys. Gimme my money and leave my parents alone.
- Tromo: Property of old dead person go to Big Destiny. [Tromo grabs an apple from a stand and takes a bite] One-arm needs to learn the rules, unless you want your butt handed to you.
- Farmworld Finn: I guess it wasn't really mine.
- Farmworld Marceline: [Tromo drops his apple] It's mine! I'm a demon... half-demon.
- Big Destiny: Tromo! Jack up crazy lady! Trami! Take mule back to crib for din-din.
- Farmworld Finn: Whaat! [Trami hits Finn in the face with his hammer knocking him off Bartram. He lifts up Batram and takes him] Bar Bar!
- Trami: Tough luck, One-arm! [He and Big D jump onto a ski-lift-like pully system up to their mansion]
- Big Destiny: See you soon, bad-style Junktown! [Big D laughs evilly]
- Farmworld Finn: Bar Bar. [Finn is about to cry]
- Tromo: End of the road, bat lady! [He kicks over Farmworld Marceline]
- Farmworld Marceline: Oh, my bones!
- Tromo: Haha! Ah! [Finn sticks his flute up Tromo's nose and plays, inflating Tromo's eye] My eye! I will junk your face! What the! [Choose Bruce hits him in the head with a head of lettuce]
- Choose Bruce: Destiny gang, get outta town! We're sick of bein' bullied around! [Everyone cheers]
- Tromo: You make biiig mistake! Especially you, One-arm! [He backs up to the lift and leaves]
- Farmworld Finn: My name is Finn Mertens! And tell big D I'm comin' for my stuff!
- Tromo: Ohhh, you come n' try!
- Farmworld Finn: Are you okay, lady?
- Farmworld Marceline: You must promise to—promise to return the crown to its hide-hole.
- Farmworld Finn: I promise.
- Choose Bruce: You'll need this Finn if you want to win. [He shows Finn a sword attachment for his robotic arm]
- Farmworld Finn: Choose Bruce, what is it?
- Choose Bruce: It's a weapon for your arm. With this you will defend from harm. [He replaces his grabber arm with the sword arm]
- Farmworld Finn: Feels natural. Like peeing outside. Sort of.
- Choose Bruce: Best not to take the lift my friend, else the D gang'll see ya comin' in!
- Farmworld Finn: No. I want them to see me. I'm-a go up there AND SHOW THEM MY FACE! [Finn rides up the lift and kicks down the door and runs in] Yaaaaaaaaaa-huh? Hello? [He doesn't see anyone, but hears Bartram bray] Bar Bar? I'm comin'! Bar bar! [He runs into the room, but Big D trips him on the way in] I want my stuff, ya big dump! [He charges Big D, but he is easily beaten]
- Big Destiny: You want Big D's crown, huh?
- Farmworld Finn: Yeah, and Bar Bar.
- Big Destiny: Here ya go then. [Hands him the crown]
- Farmworld Finn: Wha?
- Big Destiny: That is your final possession, the last thing you will ever own.
- Farmworld Finn: What do you…mean? [He walks over to the window with Big D]
- Big Destiny: Look down there, stupid.
- Farmworld Finn: [gasp] [The town is on fire]
- Big Destiny: Town is on fire! See? I made it on fire! Fix up Junktown! Look at old man cry! [laughs] That's what happens when you mess with Big D! You get crushed! Your family get crushed! Booya! [We see the Destiny gang throwing torches everywhere and Choose Bruce crying]
- Farmworld Finn: Suck my shirt! [Finn, throwing off his sword, slides down the lift with Bartram and rides up to Choose Bruce] Choose Bruce!
- Choose Bruce: All my stuff is gone! Now they're goin' after your home! [He is crying still]
- Farmworld Finn: Bar Bar, come on!
- Choose Bruce: Hurry, Finn! You can win! [Still crying]
- Farmworld Marceline: Finn! Return the—whoa! [While continuing to ride Bartram, he lifts her on]
- Farmworld Finn: I will, but we gotta stop the Destiny gang first. Come on Jake! Good boy! [Jake is trialing them]
- Destiny Gang: Destiny! Destiny! Destiny! [Finn's house is on fire and the D gang are chanting]
- Farmworld Finn: Noooo!
- Big Destiny: Yeah! How did I even get here, son?!
- Finn's Mother: Nooo! [Finn's family are up stairs, trapped in the fire]
- Finn's Father: Fiiinn!
- Farmworld Finn: Mom! Dad! [He reaches into his pack and pulls out the crown] You said this thing is magic?
- Farmworld Marceline: Yes. Powerful and dangerous.
- Farmworld Finn: But you lost your mind in a cave.
- Farmworld Marceline: Whatever. You just gotta believe me, okay? For serious, ya donk.
- Big Destiny: I am Big D! Wooooo!
- Farmworld Finn: I believe you.
- Farmworld Marceline: You do? [He puts on the crown and begins yelling in shock] Wait! Noooooo! Dang it!
- Farmworld Finn: Aaaaaah!!
- [The episode ends.]