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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Finn the Human" from season 5, which aired on November 12, 2012.

This transcript is complete.


[Finn and Jake are pulled into the portal created by the Enchiridion. They hit a floating chunk of land and sit there for a second. Finn looks up to see the Lich bound from rock to rock towards the time room in the apparent center of this dimension.]
Finn: [gasps] He's heading for that cube. Come on, Jake.
Jake: Oh, yeah.
[The Lich enters the time room from a hole on the side. Finn and Jake bound to the time room and enter to find the Lich laughing next to Prismo. He then disappears.]
Finn: Whaaaat?!?! He's gone!
Jake: What?! What happened?!
Prismo: Hey, hey! Did you guys see that? You know that was a ghost wearing a dead guy? That might be the nastiest thing I've ever seen. Na-na-na-na-nasty! Nasty jazz! Nast-- [Almost like beat boxing]
Jake: Hey, hey! Easy, buddy! That's our friend Billy! He got possessed by the Lich! [Finn looks very sad and Jake puts an arm around him]
Prismo: Oh! Sorry, sorry! I didn't mean nothin' by it! I mean, I have a lot of nasty friends. My uncle is nasty. I'm basically honorary nasty.
Finn: [Jake stretches them down to the floor] Do you know where he went? We have to find our friend.
Prismo: Who knows?
Finn: [Depressed] Uh. Oh.
Prismo: Actually, it depends on the wish I granted him.
Finn: "Wish"? [Hastily]
Prismo: Yeah, he wished for the extinction of all life and I did it. I guess it changed his timeline or something?
Finn: WHAT?!?! OH GLOB!
Jake: Whoa, wait a minute. How can that be if I'm still here kickin' it with my main man, Finn?
Prismo: Oh, that's because you're safe in my time room until you make your wish.
Finn & Jake: [They pause to think] Ohhhh.
Jake: I wish that life wasn't anymore extinc—
Finn: [Finn pushes Jakes arm down] Whoa! Wait, Jake. Don't mess this up. Think about it: if we wish everything back to normal, the Lich could just jazz it up again.
Jake: Oh yeah. Jazz.
Finn: Hmmmm. [Thinking]
Jake: Hmmmm.
Finn: I got it! I wish... the Lich... never... even ever existed!
[Scene cuts to "Farmworld" — an alternate world where the Lich never existed. Farmworld Finn enters his farm house with Farmworld Jake]
Farmworld Finn: Mom? Mom, what's wrong?
Finn's mom: [Holding Finn's Baby Brother and looking concerned] Finn, I need you to do something for me. It's very important. [Jake barks] I need you to take the mule into town and sell him for as much as you can.
Farmworld Finn: What! Sell Bartram? [Bartram sits up in the bed in the corner] But, I love Bartram. What the heck, Mom!
Finn's Mother: Shhh! Finn please, just do as I say. [She looks out the window concerned]
Trami: [Muffled by the distance] Got it?
Farmworld Finn: [Looking out the window, Finn sees a group of “stylish” thugs harassing his dad] Dad?
Trami: I push you, you fall down. [Trami and another gang member table top him]
Farmworld Finn: The Destiny Gang?
Finn's Mother: Everything will be fine, Finn, I promise. Now just do as I say. [Walks away]
Farmworld Finn: [Finn is now outside near the fields sitting on a tree root] [sigh] I'm sorry, Bartram. I guess Dad must be in real trouble to be doin' this. But, I bet there's a lot o' fine folk lookin' to buy a good mule. Why, I bet I could even come visit sometimes. Won't that be swell, Bartram? [Looks around and sees that the mule is gone] Bartram? Dang it Bartram! Bar Bar! [Finn walks through some bushes to find Batram in a dead tree] What the- Bar Bar, how'd ya get up there? [sigh] Whoa! [Finn falls through some bushes and into an underground cave. Jake follows. There is a frozen missile with a dead man under it] Jake, look! Golden crown! Unbelievable! We can sell it and keep Bartram! Bong, bong. [Finn reaches for the crown]
Farmworld Marceline: [She comes out from behind the missile and cocks her gun] Hold it right there!
Farmworld Finn: Who are you?!
Farmworld Marceline: I'm a thousand years old and this is my crown!
Farmworld Finn: Okay, okay! But, um, maybe I could just borrow it for a little while. [Finn reaches for the crown again]
Farmworld Marceline: Noooo! No! Noo! This crown is magic. Bad, terrible magic. Too dangerous for mortal fingies like yours! [Marceline has a flashback of Simon walking onto a hill to watch a squad of bombers.] One thousand years ago, my beloved friend Simon Petrikov gave his life to save this foolish, unworthy planet from annihilation. [A scene shows a mushroom cloud amidst a decimated city and a gang of demons surrounding the Lich walking away from it] A frightful bomb was poised to bathe the land in mutagenic horror, [Farmworld Simon is show directly below the bomb using his not yet complete powers to freeze the bomb in midair] but using his mastery of ice and snow, Simon froze the bomb in mid-flight only inches from the ground, where it remains to this very day. [We see Marceline in the cave again] Today, ever ripe and ready to blow. [We see Farmworld Simon being crushed by the bomb] But he alone was not saved. Trapped under the giant weight of the enormous bomb, poor Simon perished!
Farmworld Simon: [In the flash back] Little help?
Farmworld Marceline: [Farmworld Simon is seen dead and the crown is firing laser-like beams of energy] And the horrible crown, grieving its lost master, loosed a spasm of magic so wild and crazy the entire earth was buried in ice for four hundred boring years. [First we see a city being frozen almost instantaneously and then we see the earth covered in ice. The flashback ends.]
Farmworld Finn: Uhh, none o' that is true, 'cause magic is fake. Daddy says the false prophets of old used cheap parlor tricks to control the people. [Farmworld Jake is growling] And to get babes. Like 10 or 12 hot babes each.
Farmworld Marceline: No! Magic is real!
Farmworld Finn: Lady! You been down here too long! Why don't you, just let me- [Finn goes for the crown again]
Farmworld Marceline: Step off! Or I will use this!
Farmworld Finn: Lady! Quit it with that thing! [Finn reels back and Jake begins barking again]
Farmworld Marceline: I'm sorry. You must DIEEEE! [A laser beam is fired from the gun]
Farmworld Finn: WAAAAAAAAAAaaaaah… ooo… uuum… [The laser is ineffective and passes right through him]
Farmworld Marceline: Oh, man! This thing! Dang it! [She hits it]
Farmworld Finn: Go, Jake! [Jake jumps at her as a distraction while Finn grabs the crown]
Farmworld Marceline: Aaah! Go back to the underworld, ya beast. [She throws the gun weakly towards Jake]
Farmworld Finn: Sorry, gotta save my dad! [They exit the cave]
Farmworld Marceline: Destroy the world more like it! [huff] Dummy. I give up.
Farmworld Simon: The crown. Go get it.
Farmworld Marceline: I know you're not really talking to me. I'm not crazy!
Farmworld Simon: Get the crown! Go get it!
Farmworld Marceline: [huff]
Farmworld Simon: Get the crown, Marceline! Go get it!
Farmworld Marceline: I can't. My knees!
Farmworld Simon: Oh, that's really disappointing I must say. I'm just—uh, whatever, you're really letting me down right now.
Farmworld Marceline: Okay, alright. [farts]
Farmworld Finn: [Finn is auctioning off the crown at the Junktown market] Cool crown! Who wants a cool crown? I found it on a dead magician dude!
Guy #1: I'll take it!
Farmworld Finn: Awesome! How much cash ya got?
Guy #1: Ohhh, I'm poor. Uh, but what about I trade you for a personal concert at your house? I'll come over later and sing ya like, four songs. I mostly do covers, but I have originals too. Do you own any spoons?
Farmworld Finn: No.
Tromo: Let me see that! [He takes the crown]
Farmworld Finn: Hey!
Tromo: Heh!
Farmworld Finn: [gasp] [Finn has a flashback of the D gang harassing his dad] Wait, Destiny Gang. I gotta sell that to pay you guys!
Tromo: Trami, what you think? Is it my style?
Trami: Big Destiny will know. Yo, boss! [Trami throws the crown to Big D who is looking off the cliff]
Big Destiny: Snap! Huh? What is this? [He turns around] Are you tellin' me what to wear, Trami?
Trami: No, boss, you look good! [He is sweating]
Big Destiny: You think I should reinvent my style and put a stupid thing on my head?!
Trami: No, man! You tell us what to wear!
Big Destiny: Otherwise you would dress like an idiot! Bam! Crown shorts! [Big D puts the tip of the crown in his extremely short shorts]
Trami & Tromo: Amazing! [Everyone begins clapping.]
Big Destiny: Yeah-ha-ha!
Tromo: Clap harder, trash bag! [He pushes down an old man who begins silently crying and clapping faster]
Farmworld Finn: Okay, you guys. Gimme my money and leave my parents alone.
Tromo: Property of old dead person go to Big Destiny. [Tromo grabs an apple from a stand and takes a bite] One-arm needs to learn the rules, unless you want your butt handed to you.
Farmworld Finn: I guess it wasn't really mine.
Farmworld Marceline: [Tromo drops his apple] It's mine! I'm a demon... half-demon.
Big Destiny: Tromo! Jack up crazy lady! Trami! Take mule back to crib for din-din.
Farmworld Finn: Whaat! [Trami hits Finn in the face with his hammer knocking him off Bartram. He lifts up Batram and takes him] Bar Bar!
Trami: Tough luck, One-arm! [He and Big D jump onto a ski-lift-like pully system up to their mansion]
Big Destiny: See you soon, bad-style Junktown! [Big D laughs evilly]
Farmworld Finn: Bar Bar. [Finn is about to cry]
Tromo: End of the road, bat lady! [He kicks over Farmworld Marceline]
Farmworld Marceline: Oh, my bones!
Tromo: Haha! Ah! [Finn sticks his flute up Tromo's nose and plays, inflating Tromo's eye] My eye! I will junk your face! What the! [Choose Bruce hits him in the head with a head of lettuce]
Choose Bruce: Destiny gang, get outta town! We're sick of bein' bullied around! [Everyone cheers]
Tromo: You make biiig mistake! Especially you, One-arm! [He backs up to the lift and leaves]
Farmworld Finn: My name is Finn Mertens! And tell big D I'm comin' for my stuff!
Tromo: Ohhh, you come n' try!
Farmworld Finn: Are you okay, lady?
Farmworld Marceline: You must promise to—promise to return the crown to its hide-hole.
Farmworld Finn: I promise.
Choose Bruce: You'll need this Finn if you want to win. [He shows Finn a sword attachment for his robotic arm]
Farmworld Finn: Choose Bruce, what is it?
Choose Bruce: It's a weapon for your arm. With this you will defend from harm. [He replaces his grabber arm with the sword arm]
Farmworld Finn: Feels natural. Like peeing outside. Sort of.
Choose Bruce: Best not to take the lift my friend, else the D gang'll see ya comin' in!
Farmworld Finn: No. I want them to see me. I'm-a go up there AND SHOW THEM MY FACE! [Finn rides up the lift and kicks down the door and runs in] Yaaaaaaaaaa-huh? Hello? [He doesn't see anyone, but hears Bartram bray] Bar Bar? I'm comin'! Bar bar! [He runs into the room, but Big D trips him on the way in] I want my stuff, ya big dump! [He charges Big D, but he is easily beaten]
Big Destiny: You want Big D's crown, huh?
Farmworld Finn: Yeah, and Bar Bar.
Big Destiny: Here ya go then. [Hands him the crown]
Farmworld Finn: Wha?
Big Destiny: That is your final possession, the last thing you will ever own.
Farmworld Finn: What do you…mean? [He walks over to the window with Big D]
Big Destiny: Look down there, stupid.
Farmworld Finn: [gasp] [The town is on fire]
Big Destiny: Town is on fire! See? I made it on fire! Fix up Junktown! Look at old man cry! [laughs] That's what happens when you mess with Big D! You get crushed! Your family get crushed! Booya! [We see the Destiny gang throwing torches everywhere and Choose Bruce crying]
Farmworld Finn: Suck my shirt! [Finn, throwing off his sword, slides down the lift with Bartram and rides up to Choose Bruce] Choose Bruce!
Choose Bruce: All my stuff is gone! Now they're goin' after your home! [He is crying still]
Farmworld Finn: Bar Bar, come on!
Choose Bruce: Hurry, Finn! You can win! [Still crying]
Farmworld Marceline: Finn! Return the—whoa! [While continuing to ride Bartram, he lifts her on]
Farmworld Finn: I will, but we gotta stop the Destiny gang first. Come on Jake! Good boy! [Jake is trialing them]
Destiny Gang: Destiny! Destiny! Destiny! [Finn's house is on fire and the D gang are chanting]
Farmworld Finn: Noooo!
Big Destiny: Yeah! How did I even get here, son?!
Finn's Mother: Nooo! [Finn's family are up stairs, trapped in the fire]
Finn's Father: Fiiinn!
Farmworld Finn: Mom! Dad! [He reaches into his pack and pulls out the crown] You said this thing is magic?
Farmworld Marceline: Yes. Powerful and dangerous.
Farmworld Finn: But you lost your mind in a cave.
Farmworld Marceline: Whatever. You just gotta believe me, okay? For serious, ya donk.
Big Destiny: I am Big D! Wooooo!
Farmworld Finn: I believe you.
Farmworld Marceline: You do? [He puts on the crown and begins yelling in shock] Wait! Noooooo! Dang it!
Farmworld Finn: Aaaaaah!!
[The episode ends.]