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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Earth & Water" from season 5, which aired on September 2, 2013.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode begins in the Tree Fort, where BMO is starting up a game of Sumo Scootz.]
BMO: Sumo Scootz! [making sfx for the game] Vroom vroom skreeee! [Jake's character defeats Finn's] Winner!
Jake: Whoo! 79th consecutive victory! [stretches his buttocks toward Finn's face] In yo fa-ace! [Finn doesn't react] You okay, buddy? [hits Finn's cheek with one of his buttocks] Still bummed out about Flame Princess?
Finn: [nods]
Jake: Hmm. I know what'll fix you up: girl's night out, boy style! First, we'll go to the salon, get yo hair did and your nails all—wait, no. First, we'll go to the shops, get you a brand new hat. Then, we'll—[toilet flushes] [gasps] [hides in the couch] A burgler-mer!
[Finn and Jake approach the bathroom door, and Finn kicks it open. Ice King is washing his hands.]
Finn, Jake, & Ice King: Aah!
Finn & Jake: The Ice King? Grr—eh! [Jake holds his nose]
Ice King: Jeez, you couldn't wait two seconds?
Finn: Ech. [pinches nose] [nasally] Why are you stinkin' up our house?
Ice King: Didn't you get my text? It said I'm stayin' [takes out banana phone] with you guys—[looks at phone] oh, didn't go through. Well, anyways, I knew you wouldn't mind since it's sorta your fault I'm homeless, right?
Finn: Right.
Ice King: 'Cause you tricked your crazy ex into meltin' my Ice Kingdom?
Finn: Mmhm.
Ice King: With your lies and secrets? 'Member when that happened?
Jake: Dude, you can't stay here if you're gonna stank it up with your bad vibes, man!
[Ice King sprays air freshener, and Finn and Jake cough.]
Ice King: Yeah, I'm just crashing here while the penguins rebuild. I've given Gunter temporary reign.
[Gunter, wearing Ice King's crown, is shown constructing ice structures.]
Ice King: Should be fine.
Finn: Flame Princess isn't crazy.
Ice King: You're blind, Finn. You're blind—wait, she isn't here, is she?
Finn: No.
Ice King: Whew!
Finn: She said she wanted time to herself. [walks out]
Ice King: Yeesh.
Jake: Yeah, breakups are tough.
Ice King: Heh, yeah, like, remember how you and I were married?
[Scene cuts to a forest with smoke rising from it. Flame Princess rips up some grass and burns it.]
Flame Princess: Uh! It's so confusing!
[A spider-like creature lowers itself on its silk near Flame Princess.]
Flame Princess: Hmm? [to creature] I thought Finn was a stand-up guy, you know? But he basically betrayed me.
[Spider creature shakes his head sympathetically.]
Flame Princess: Why do people even have secrets?
[Her heat radiation intensifies and the spider hurriedly scrambles up its silk.]
Flame Princess: It's like that in the Fire Kingdom, too. Everyone is all deceitful and Shakespeare. But out here doesn't seem any different. [scribbling sounds are heard] Why do I have to feel like this? [hears scribbling sounds] And what is that noise?! Grrr!
[She sees the spider crawling in mid-air. Princess Bubblegum, invisible, punches the spider off of her face.]
Princess Bubblegum: Eh.
Flame Princess: [squints]
Princess Bubblegum: [turning off invisibility] Yeah, yeah. Just act like I'm not here.
Flame Princess: [gasps] Are you spying on me?!
Princess Bubblegum: What?! No, of course not!
[Several cameras and a microphone spontaneously reveal themselves. Princess Bubblegum hits a button on her watch and they become invisible again.]
Princess Bubblegum: I was observing you—for research. [sighs] You're a threat, Flame Princess. Your emotions are directly linked to your combustion levels. But if I can create a scientific model that describes your complete elemental matrix, I can isolate and suppress your more... volatile traits.
Flame Princess: So, if you do your research, you'll know how to cut off my emotions so I won't feel like this?
Princess Bubblegum: Umm, yeah, basically!
Flame Princess: Then I'll help you.
Princess Bubblegum: You will?
Flame Princess: Yes. I'll do whatever it takes.
[Scene cuts to Flame Princess strapped down in a metal room with Princess Bubblegum and Cinnamon Bun observing from behind a large glass window.]
Princess Bubblegum: [talking into microphone] Once I press this button, you'll be subjected to a battery of tests to gauge your reflexes, stamina, and your reaction to various emotional stimuli.
Flame Princess: This is going to help me understand myself?
Princess Bubblegum: There's a 40% chance we'll be able to identify and isolate your chemical components—and yes, understand you in a very scientific way.
Flame Princess: Oh. That's good... I guess.
Princess Bubblegum: Initiate test. [a phone drops down and knocks her hand away from the button] Yah. [puts phone to her ear] Hello?
Jake: Princess! We need you and your Ball Blam Burglerber right away! Gunter has created a race of strangling snow snakes, or snow-a-constrictors!
[Snow-a-constrictors are shown wrapped around Ice King and Finn, who is hacking at one with his sword.]
Jake: Aaaah—[gets disconnected]
[Princess Bubblegum hits the button, lowering a large metal contraption towards Flame Princess. A small screen hanging by a cord drops down.]
Princess Bubblegum: Okay, Cinnamon Bun, all you have to do is write down the numbers that appear on this monitor. Can you do that one thing?
Cinnamon Bun: Yes.
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, one other thing. Do not open that door. [points to a door behind Flame Princess] So that's two things: write down the numbers, do not open that door. Got it?
Cinnamon Bun: Yes, Princess.
[Scene cuts to Cinnamon Bun opening the very same door as the floor underneath him stretches toward Flame Princess.]
Cinnamon Bun: [laughs] Hello.
Flame Princess: Hello.
Cinnamon Bun: You look sad.
Flame Princess: Yeah, but mostly I'm confused.
Cinnamon Bun: Ha, me too.
Flame Princess: Really?
Cinnamon Bun: Yeah. Bubblegum is bad.
Flame Princess: She is?!
Cinnamon Bun: I don't know. Wanna pet my dog?! He lives at my house.
Flame Princess: What about the tests?
Cinnamon Bun: I'm not good at tests.
[Scene cuts to Cinnamon Bun's house, where Flame Princess is sitting on the couch next to Cinnamon Bun's "dog" (a squash with a mop on its head). Cinnamon Bun is preparing tea.]
Cinnamon Bun: La-de-da-de-da [hums] His name is Jake, but he's not the real Jake. [walks into coffee table, leaving a notch in his leg] Ow. My body is soft. [extends leg toward Flame Princess]
[Flame Princess places her hand on the wound, healing it perfectly.]
Cinnamon Bun: [gasps] [shakes his leg] We're friends.
Flame Princess: Yeah, I really get you, but sometimes friends are hard to understand. Sometimes you think you know them, but you find out they're just playing mind games.
Cinnamon Bun: Is the princess your friend?
Flame Princess: I don't know.
Cinnamon Bun: Yeah, because why did she lock you up in jail when you were a little baby? That was a weird friend thing.
Flame Princess: [gasps]
[Title card: 15 YEARS AGO. Scene cuts to the Fire Kingdom.]
Messenger: The word! The word!
Flame King: What's the word?
Messenger: The word is your newborn baby will have greater powers than you'll ever dream of.
Flame King: Uh... have my baby sent into the wilderness of the outside world to perish.
Messenger: Okay! [runs off]
[Scene cuts to the messenger carrying a baby Flame Princess through a forest. He sets her down, and she tries to walk but falls backwards. The messenger catches her.]
Messenger: Oop. Hup. [helps her walk]
[Flame Princess starts walking on her own away from the messenger.]
Messenger: Ah! [catches up to her and picks her up] Aw. [makes baby noises] [tickles her face]
Flame Princess: [giggles] [her flames intensify]
[Scene cuts to the messenger handing Flame Princess to Rock Woodsman.]
Messenger: [sighs] Hmm. [starts crying and runs off]
Rock Woodsman: Ho-ho! [puts Flame Princess down and starts sawing wood]
[Flame Princess walks into the lumberjack's house and sets it on fire.]
Rock Woodsman: [gasps] WAAAAAAAAAH!
Flame Princess: [laughs] [runs into the forest, burning trees] Bah. [knocks down a tree, behind which can be seen the Candy Kingdom in the distance] Ca'tle.
Princess Bubblegum: [looking through a telescope] What's this?
[Scene cuts to Princess Bubblegum in a fireproof suit walking up to Flame Princess.]
Flame Princess: Kih, kih.
[Princess Bubblegum picks her up.]
Princess Bubblegum: A princess? Must've wandered off.
[Scene cuts to Fire Kingdom.]
Princess Bubblegum: Flame King?
Flame King: What do you want, princess of the Gum World?
Princess Bubblegum: I found your lost daughter.
Flame King: I-I don't remember losing anything.
Princess Bubblegum: Pssh.
Flame King: Okay, you got me. I had her sent to wander in the woods. I was in fear of being usurped. Come on.
Princess Bubblegum: That's your problem, but you can't just let her run around the woods. She's too dangerous. Find some way to contain her power, or I will.
Flame King: Pssh, fine.
[Scene cuts to baby Flame Princess in the lantern.]
[Scene cuts back to Flame Princess in Cinnamon Bun's house.]
Flame Princess: [stands up] [groans in frustration] Is everybody in this world hiding something?
Cinnamon Bun: It's fun to hide.
Flame Princess: You're all right. Why can't everybody be honest like you? Maybe I should just go back where I belong.
Cinnamon Bun: Wait, do you mean baby jail?
Flame Princess: I don't know, man.
Cinnamon Bun: Mmmm...
[Scene cuts to Finn and Princess Bubblegum walking up to a metal door.]
Finn: Fighting snow-a-constrictors really helped take my mind off things.
[Finn shakes snow off his head as Princess Bubblegum pushes buttons on a keypad next to the door.]
Finn: So, uh, why am I here again?
Princess Bubblegum: Oh, I just wanted to measure Flame Princess's reaction when confronted by the guy who broke her heart.
[Finn frowns, and the door opens.]
Princess Bubblegum: Hey, Cinnamon Bun, I'm—[gasps]
[The metal contraption is out of control, frantically moving up and down and smoking.]
Princess Bubblegum: CINNAMON BUN!!!
[Scene cuts to Cinnamon Bun's house. Finn and Princess Bubblegum arrive via carriage and walk up to the door.]
Princess Bubblegum: There's a note [reading it] "Gon 2 fyr kingdum. Pleez watch dog."
[Cinnamon Bun's "dog" is on the doorstep next to a bowl of dog food.]
Finn: Oh, this is terrible! If Flame Princess goes back there, her evil dad will lock her up again!
Princess Bubblegum: And if she's imprisoned, I won't be able to complete my tests, and I'll have wasted my precious time!
Finn: We gotta save her. Let's doogie!
[Scene cuts to Fire Kingdom. Finn and Princess Bubblegum, dressed in fireproof suits, walk up to a couple Flame Guards.]
Flame Guard #1: State your business here, and be quick about it. Sorry, I'm on edge 'cause I'm worried that Jerry here will find out I'm dating his sister.
[Jerry turns his head.]
Finn: Listen, we need to get into the castle right now.
Flame Guard #1: Yeah, but why?
Finn: Grrr! So I can go to your mama's house! Now get outta my way!
Jerry: Doesn't your mom live in a nursing home?
Flame Guard #1: Yeah, and in a different city. C'mon, dude, you gotta be honest here.
Finn: Honest my fist! [punches Flame Guard, pushes him down, and headbutts Jerry] Come on, Princess!
[The two run inside but are blasted back by a huge fireball.]
Flame Guard #2: D'aw, yeah! Gonna scramble you and fry you up for brunch! I try to act tough but I really wanted to be a chef.
Finn: Man.
[A Flame Person walks up to the three guards.]
Jerry: Halt. What is your business here?
Flame Person: I need to get inside to file my taxes. Also I like using the bathroom here. Also I like to crop dust the lobby.
Flame Guard #2: Pass, friend.
Finn: Alright, so you wanna get nasty? One time, I blew a snot bubble that broke off and floated away. Then it hit some lady's baby in the face, and it started crying.
Princess Bubblegum: And I really enjoy the taste of envelopes.
Flame Guard #1: Uh, that's cool and all, but you still haven't told us why you want to get in.
Princess Bubblegum: We need to see the king?
Flame Guard #1: Well, why didn't you just say so? Right this way, friends. [leads them inside] There you go: [Flame Princess is seated on the throne wearing royal garb] the new Flame King.
Finn: Flame Princess?
Flame Princess: Finn?
Finn: You're okay! Um, how's it going?
Flame Princess: Pretty good. Cinnamon Bun and I staged a coup and I overthrew my dad.
Princess Bubblegum: Oh-ho, that's why the guards were wigging out.
Flame Princess: That is the new way in the Fire Kingdom. Total honesty is the law of the land—no secrets.
Finn: Oh.
Flame King: [from inside lantern] Right, can you believe this nonsense? Once I get outta here, I'm gonna ground you for real. No snacks, no friends, no popular music.
Flame Princess: You never let me have any of those things! You were a selfish king and a bad parent!
Flame King: But I did it for you, honey—for you not to overthrow me like you just did.
Flame Princess: You belong in that lamp! And if you don't settle down, you'll have to answer to Cinnamon Bun!
Cinnamon Bun: [wearing a conical fire hat] Hi.
Finn: Wow. She's even awesomer than I remember.
Princess Bubblegum: Take off that silly hat. We're going home.
Cinnamon Bun: No. Look, [pets Jake 2] got a real dog now! Hah.
Finn: Flame Princess, listen. I'm really sorry I lied and hurt your feelings, and I was a big fat jerk—
Flame Princess: Finn, it's okay. It's in the past now.
Finn: So, does that mean we're still going out?
Flame Princess: No. I've realized my place is here, ruling these weak and vicious Fire People.
Finn: I see. [gets on the ground and goes into fetal position]
Flame Princess: But we're cool. You're welcome to come back and hang out whenever you like if you promise me one thing.
Finn: [stands up] Anything.
Flame Princess: That you'll be completely honest with me.
Finn: Heh. Okay. I promise.
Flame Princess: [laughs lightly] I'm serious.
Finn: Hmm.

Episode ends