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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Bad Timing" from season 5, which aired on March 3, 2014.

This transcript is complete.


[In a room in the Candy Castle, Princess Bubblegum is playing trumpet to Finn, Jake, Embryo Princess, the Punch Bowl, and a mudscamp. She finishes, her audience applauds, and she catches her breath.]
Princess Bubblegum: [exhales] Ladies and gentlemen, I have invented time travel. This phasical sphere is flooded with info waves that scan every second, logging every molecule that passes through its volume. [slips on the gloves and lifts the sphere] I made special gloves for it.
[Finn gives a thumbs up.]
Princess Bubblegum: [places the sphere around two small creatures] Now check it out! It's logging time.
[The creatures blabber indistinctly as one drinks from a thimble. It sprays the drink upward into a mist and starts kissing the other one as the mist falls over them. They then continue blabbering.]
Princess Bubblegum: I'll set the clock back now. [swipes her glove]
[The two creatures back away as they watch their past selves rewind.]
Princess Bubblegum: Now I'll push the time travel button.
[The two creatures scream as their molecules reset to where they were when the sphere was first placed around them. They continue blabbering.]
Jake: Eh... It's not really time travel, though. You just, you know, moved their stuff around. You didn't really manipulate time. Ice King's done it better before... with magic.
Mudscamp: Well, I enjoyed your presentation very much, Princess. Thank you for inviting me.
Princess Bubblegum: No!
[Lumpy Space Princess is shown sleeping in the gutter outside.]
Princess Bubblegum: For all intents and purposes, they traveled back to an earlier point in their time.
[Lumpy Space Princess wakes up.]
Jake: Eh, I guess, but not really.
[Lumpy Space Princess peaks through the open window.]
Jake: I mean, Ice King did it for real. Guy pulled his fiancée out of time from a thousand years ago using magic.
[Lumpy Space Princess sneaks in and slithers under Jake's chair.]
Mudscamp: Hey, time, where's my fiancée? Am I right? [jingles bell]
Jake: [laughs]
Princess Bubblegum: Jake, don't deny my science. This is a time travel machine.
[Lumpy Space Princess's eyes widen. She throws aside Jake's chair with him still in it and floats toward the sphere.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Take me back to when my ex-boyfriend Brad still loved me! [stuffs herself in the sphere, screaming]
Princess Bubblegum: LSP...
Lumpy Space Princess: Wha?
Princess Bubblegum: LSP, that's not how it works. It can only rearrange your molecules into a previously logged formation, and you need these gloves.
Lumpy Space Princess: [quietly] Give them to me.
Princess Bubblegum: No.
Lumpy Space Princess: You witch! Give them to me now! [pounds table]
Princess Bubblegum: No, I'm sorry, but you need to pull yourself to—
Lumpy Space Princess: [jumps on her] You skunk! [tearing out Princess Bubblegum's hair] You skunk! You skunk! You pretty skunk! You don't know heartache with the whole Candy Kingdom in love with your pretty bubblegum buns!
[Princess Bubblegum hits her with her crown, knocking her into a bookshelf.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Glob! [pants]
Princess Bubblegum: Hear me, Lumpy Space Princess, I will avoid declaring war on the entirety of Lumpy Space, ruled by your parents, if you apologize to me immediately.
Lumpy Space Princess: I'm sorry-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y... [floats toward the door] I'm sorry you're so [quietly] stupid. [slams door]
Jake & Punch Bowl: Whoa! [laugh]
Princess Bubblegum: Sheesh!
[At the Candy Tavern, Tree Trunks is singing "Slow Boat to China" to Mr. Pig while various other Candy Tavern People sit around.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Everyone in here is a loser. Nobody's as good as Brad. Oh, Brad! Why can't I get over you?
Bartender: Have you tried burning an effigy? That's what they do in movies.
Lumpy Space Princess: This isn't a movie, Charlie, it's real life! [sighs]
Bartender: Another cucumber water, Your Majesty?
[Lumpy Space Princess nods, and Charlie leaves. Lumpy Space Princess notices a blue Lumpy Space Person staring at her.]
Lumpy Space Princess: What?
Lumpy Space Person: Oh, I—I'm sorry for staring, but, uh, I—I know you. We used to—
Lumpy Space Princess: Everyone knows me. I'm Lumpy Space Princess.
Lumpy Space Person: No, uh, from high school. W-we were lab partners. I'm Johnnie.
Lumpy Space Princess: Ugly Johnnie?
Johnnie: Y-yeah, uh, you used to call me that quite a bit.
Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah, but I can't call you that anymore! Come on, sit up straight. Lemme see them eyes.
Johnnie: Mm.
Lumpy Space Princess: Do it.
[He sits up straight and stares at Lumpy Space Princess.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Nope. Can't call you that anymore. [laughs and pounds the bar] So, what brings you to the Candy Kingdom, Johnnie?
Johnnie: Business, uh, actually. I own my own company, bottling and distributing Lumpy gas.
Lumpy Space Princess: Mm-hmm. [moves her chair closer to his]
Johnnie: And I'm up for a big contract, uh, here in the kingdom, which could really help my business "take off," so to speak.
Lumpy Space Princess: That's so cool. You're like your own boss or whatever.
Johnnie: To be honest, I'm a little nervous about this meeting tomorrow.
Lumpy Space Princess: Why, Johnnie?
Johnnie: I'm bad at talking to people.
Lumpy Space Princess: That's because you have poor posture.
Johnnie: Really?
Lumpy Space Princess: You gotta stop slouching!
[Johnnie sits up straight.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Now look me in the eye!
[He does so.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah, stay like that.
Johnnie: Boy, LSP, heh, you sure are making me feel good about myself.
Lumpy Space Princess: You feeling good makes me feel good, Johnnie. So... where are you staying while you're in town?
Johnnie: I'm sub-letting a friend's apartment.
Lumpy Space Princess: Talk is cheap, Johnnie. You should take me there.
[They arrive at Johnnie's apartment. Johnnie points to a chair.]
Johnnie: That chair—oh, it used to be over there, but I moved it.
Lumpy Space Princess: Johnnie, it's so nice. You've really made it your own.
Johnnie: Thanks.
Lumpy Space Princess: Ooh, records! [goes through the records and pulls out one with a face] Okay, wanna see something funny?
Johnnie: Yeah.
Lumpy Space Princess: Okay. Okay. [laughs] Sit down!
[The two sit on the couch.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Okay, are you ready?
Johnnie: Heh-heh, yeah!
Lumpy Space Princess: [laughs] Okay! [puts record over her face]
Johnnie: [laughs] It's his face, but on your body!
Lumpy Space Princess: I know! That's the joke. My friend Melissa and I came up with that. You're smart that you get it.
Johnnie: Boy, when this evening started, I was feeling so dump trucks, but now it's like a hundred forklifts!
Lumpy Space Princess: I feel the same way, Johnnie.
Johnnie: Do you feel this couch?
Lumpy Space Princess: [laughs nervously] What?
Johnnie: 'Cause it's where you're gonna sleep!
[They both laugh.]
Johnnie: Seriously. It's getting late, and I don't want you walking home. So I insist. I'll be in the other room, sleeping peacefully... and dreaming about you.
Lumpy Space Princess: [embarrassed] Johnnie...
Johnnie: Thank you... for everything. [kisses her hand]
Lumpy Space Princess: Johnnie... go to bed already. You have a big day tomorrow.
Johnnie: Good night! [turns off light and closes door]
[In the morning, Johnnie opens his door.]
Johnnie: Rise and shine! I hope you like pancakes 'cause I got— [sees empty couch] oh. [sadly] I guess she'll be the one who got away. [turns and sees Lumpy Space Princess in the kitchen]
Lumpy Space Princess: Looking for someone?
Johnnie: You're still here!
Lumpy Space Princess: 'Course I am! Now make me some breakfast! [drums table]
[After breakfast]
Lumpy Space Princess: Okay, Johnnie, good luck at your meeting. And remember, I'll be right over there, [points to couch] sending you good vibes while you're wowing Princess Bubblegum.
[Her words echo in Johnnie's head as he sits in a chair waiting for the meeting.]
Banana Guard: Yo, why are you so confident, man? Aren't you nervous to meet the princess?
Johnnie: Nope! My GF is back at my place sending me good vibes.
[At Johnnie's apartment, Lumpy Space Princess is slouched on the couch in front of the TV.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Johnnie's friend has so many movie channels.
[Time card: 45 MINUTES LATER]
Lumpy Space Princess: Ha-ha, that movie was so dumb. [looks at nonexistent watch] Oh, poop! Johnnie's meeting! I wonder how it went.
[The light turns on.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Johnnie! Oh, Johnnie, you're home! How'd it go? Oh, don't keep me in suspense, Johnnie!
Johnnie: I did it, babe! I landed the sale!
Lumpy Space Princess: Johnnie, that's wonderful!
Johnnie: And I couldn't have done it without you.
Lumpy Space Princess: I know!
Johnnie: And here's the best part! She wants me back at the castle tonight to go over the contracts during a royal dinner.
Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, my Glob! It's gonna be so nice to have dinner inside the castle. It's been a while.
Johnnie: Oh. No. It's a business meeting, not social. Just me and the princess, I'm afraid.
Lumpy Space Princess: What?! [storms out]
Johnnie: LSP?
Lumpy Space Princess: So... Bubblegum thinks she can horn in on my territory? Sip from my soup after I cut all the onions? [floats by a mudscamp] Yo, think again, tranch.
Mudscamp: Who—who are you talking to?
[The scene cuts to the royal dinner.]
Princess Bubblegum: So how are you enjoying your time in the Candy Kingdom?
Johnnie: Oh, it's just great. I met this amazing purple girl at the Candy Tavern.
Princess Bubblegum: That's wonderful, Johnnie. Now tell me more about gas...
Lumpy Space Princess: [watching from outside] Oh, Johnnie... Ugly Johnnie, through my tender love you have metamorphed into Beautiful Johnnie Butterfly. [sighs] Every relationship, I gamble with my heart. I go all in because the payoff is true love. I see you when I close my eyes, and thinking of you makes my mind feel light. All my problems fade away, and I can't help smiling. Heh. To let someone you love go into the arms of another takes a big person. I don't know... if I can be that big. [lights Molotov cocktail and throws it through a window] Rah! [pulls wires from beneath a truck, causing it to roll] Eh, ehh.
[The truck rolls up the castle steps and explodes inside, rocking the whole castle.]
Princess Bubblegum: [gasps] We're under attack! [runs out]
Johnnie: Can I help?
Princess Bubblegum: No. Hide yourself beneath the tablecloth. There's cyanide-laced gum under the table. Chew it if you hear raiders break down the door. [closes door]
Johnnie: Okay. [hides under table]
Lumpy Space Princess: [lifts up tablecloth] Hi, Johnnie.
Johnnie: [gasps] What are you doing here?
Lumpy Space Princess: I'm going to time-travel you back to when we first met at the tavern—back to when you loved me—so we can have a second chance.
Johnnie: What?
[Lumpy Space Princess places the sphere around Johnnie's head and pushes a button on her glove, sending Johnnie's head's molecules into limbo.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Uh! [does the same to Johnnie's body] [laughs]
[At the site of the explosion, Manfried is fighting the fire with a garden hose.]
Princess Bubblegum: Manfried, where are the Banana Guards?
Manfried: Take a chill pill, Princess. I handled it.
Princess Bubblegum: What did you handle?
Manfried: You know. Someone drove their car in the door, but no one was driving, and it exploded, so I handled it.
Princess Bubblegum: Mmm. [runs back to the dining room and kicks down the door] Don't chew it! Don't chew it! Don't chew it! [flips table, finding the time travel machine]
[At the Candy Tavern, Tree Trunks is still singing the same song while Lumpy Space Princess is looking around expectantly.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Johnnie? C'mon. Sit up straight. Let me see them eyes. Ha-ha. Uh.
Princess Bubblegum: He's not here.
Lumpy Space Princess: [gasps] What? But I sent him back.
Princess Bubblegum: The sphere would have had to log his molecules before you engaged the time travel function.
Lumpy Space Princess: Well, then where is he?
Princess Bubblegum: I don't know.
[Johnnie's head begins materializing in the border around the screen.]
Lumpy Space Princess: [crying] Then if he's gone, can you send me back...?
[Johnnie's body materializes in the border.]
Lumpy Space Princess: To before I met him so I won't have to remember this heartache?!
Princess Bubblegum: If that's what you want.
Lumpy Space Princess: Do it. Do it!
[Princess Bubblegum places the sphere around Lumpy Space Princess and pushes buttons on her glove, sending Lumpy Space Princess's molecules back to when she first entered the sphere. Meanwhile, in the border, Johnnie reunites his head and body.]
Lumpy Space Princess: You witch! Give them to—huh, wha? What? Where are we?
[Johnnie reaches out to Lumpy Space Princess.]
Princess Bubblegum: You asked me to use this.
Lumpy Space Princess: Don't touch me! [floats away] You pretty skunk! You don't know heartache with the whole Candy Kingdom in love with your bubblegum buns...! [floats out the window]
[Johnnie bows his head, crestfallen, as the border fades to black.]
Princess Bubblegum: [sighs] [sits down and pours herself a drink]

Episode ends