This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Apple Wedding" from season 5, which aired on January 13, 2014.

This transcript is complete; only minor edits are needed.


[Cinnamon Bun, in a tuxedo, walks while carrying a tray of apple cider to Princess Bubblegum.]
Princess Bubblegum: Cinnamon Bun, what the heck are you doing out in the woods?! I asked you twenty minutes ago to take these drinks around for us.
Cinnamon Bun: Oh, oh, "around for us." I thought you said "walk to the zoo and back"!
Princess Bubblegum: Gob. [smacks forehead]
[Cinnamon Bun walks away and Princess Bubblegum sighs and follows him to Finn.]
Princess Bubblegum: Finn, Cinnamon Bun's gonna attend your juice bar now. I have a special job for you.
[Finn walks out.]
Princess Bubblegum: As Ooo's greatest champion, I'm relying on you to keep Lumpy Space Princess from crashing this wedding. I went ahead and deputized you. [hands a badge to Finn] So, you know, no holds barred, got it?
Finn: [giggles] Yeah. Oh, what about Jake?
Princess Bubblegum: Well, honestly I haven't seen Jake this happy in a while.
[Jake is being tickled by 5 baby pigs.]
Princess Bubblegum: I kinda don't want squash his groove.
[Princess Bubblegum opens a door.]
Princess Bubblegum: Knock, knock. Hey, Tree Trunks.
Tree Trunks: Oh, hey, Princess. Wow, you look prettier than a sippy cup in a snowbank.
Princess Bubblegum: [giggles and closes the door behind her] Thanks, Tree Trunks. Now listen, I don't want you to worry about a thing. I've got Finn on LSP Deputy, and we're keeping your ex-husbands, Randy, Danny and Wyatt, a hundred feet apart at all times - at least until it's time for me to perform the ceremony.
Tree Trunks: Oh, well, uh, Princess, I appreciate your generosity going to all this trouble to hijack my wedding and all, but you can't perform the ceremony.
Princess Bubblegum: What?! Why not?
Tree Trunks: Uh, well, I'm sorry, but I just don't recognize your quote unquote "authority" on such matters. I can only be married by His Holiness, the One True King of Ooo.
Princess Bubblegum: WHAT? That fraud?!
Tree Trunks: Now I know...
Princess Bubblegum: That fraud is here?!
Tree Trunks: Why, yes, but...
[Princess Bubblegum leaves and slams the door.]
Tree Trunks: Oh, dear. Mama, I'm afraid I've offended the Princess.
Tree Trunks' mother: Oh, nonsense, baby. She's probably jealous 'cause you're about to marry a handsome, fine, saucy man. Oh, but he is a saucy, fine bologna factory. Mmmhmm, tell you what: I'd like to open up that hood, see how the bologna gets made!
Tree Trunks: Mama, please! Please don't call him a saucy fine bologna factory!
Tree Trunks' mother: Bologna factory, bologna factory, bologna factory!
Tree Trunks: Oh, my perfect day. What else could go wrong?
[Meanwhile, His Holiness, the King of Ooo, is outside with Mr. Pig's relatives.]
King of Ooo: Please, go on. Describe the next thought form.
Mr. Pig's relative: Um... I see, like, reddish-green blotches.
King of Ooo: Ah... Ahaha! [taps the relative with his wand] One year good luck.
[Mr. Pig's relatives are all amused. Meanwhile, Princess Bubblegum is hiding by a bush and is spying on the King of Ooo.]
Princess Bubblegum: I've waited a long time for this King of Ooo, and now I'm gonna expose you in front of everyone for what you really are!
[BMO laughs while spinning on the chair.]
BMO: Yay! [giggles]
Wyatt: Hey, uh, barkeep, can I have another one of these ciders?
Cinnamon Bun: Sure! [takes out the bottle of apple cider and tries to do a trick but has difficulty taking the cork out.]
Wyatt: Hey, little robot. How ya doing?
BMO: I am the best! I love weddings, I love flowers! I love LOVE!
Wyatt: Hey, did you know I used to be married to Tree Trunks?
BMO: No!
Wyatt: Heh, yeah... it's just me and TT. We had some wild times back in the day. Did you know I once taught her to play tennis?
BMO: No...
Wyatt: Yep, tennis! I took her to one of those... uh... paddles... or whatever, you know!
BMO: No.
Wyatt: Yeah, she left me. She said I was stifling her spirit... I mean hehe... You know, what? Not enough tennis for ya?
BMO: No.
[Mr Pig's relative runs and pushes another guest down.]
Mr. Pig's relative: It's starting! The ceremony is starting! [snorts]
[The scene moves to the wedding ceremony.]
[King of Ooo signals Jake to start playing music. Jake prepares to play his viola and his toe presses the play button of the radio. He plays the viola and the pig throws flower petals from her basket. All the guests turn to Tree Trunks, who is holding a bouquet of flowers. Mr. Pig sheds a tear.]
BMO: [gasp] Oh no! I'm missing the love! [gets off her stool]
Wyatt: No! Uh, please stay here! This is cathartic. You're a good listener.
BMO: [sadly]Oh, okay... [sits down again]
[Tree Trunks walk to Mr. Pig]
Mr Pig: Psst, Sweetie, you look so nice.
Tree Trunks: Shh...
[Finn is watching from afar.]
Finn: Sounds really sweet.
[Finn hears some rustling from the bushes and gets up.]
Finn: Lumpy Space Princess? Is that you?
Lumpy Space Princess: Let me go to this party...
[A crow flies out, frightening Finn.]
Finn: It's not your party, LSP. [tries to find Lumpy Space Princess.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Poor Finn. Don't you know? [flies up from an old well. The wind blows the picnic mat off Lumpy Space Princess, revealing her in a wedding dress. After all, no wedding's complete without wedding crashers...] Every party is my party.
[Finn grunts and walks towards Lumpy Space Princess. Meanwhile, Jake is "playing" the viola, with the 5 baby pigs sleeping around his feet. The scene then moves on to Princess Bubblegum climbing a ladder to the King's blimp.]
Princess Bubblegum: I'm just gonna look in this guy's blimp. [gets on the top of the ladder and turns the door knob] Make sure everything's in accordance... [breaks open the window with her shoe and opens the door] with the laws.
Mr. Pig: Psst... sweetie, what are ya doing?
[Tree Trunks is walking back, and far away are Finn and Lumpy Space Princess continuing their scuffle. Finn tries to block Lumpy Space Princess's way.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Get out of my way, Finn. [pushes Finn] Oh my glob, you're touching my woman body!
[Tree Trunks walks to the stage.]
King of Ooo: Okay, dear, now up you come.
Tree Trunks: [whispers] Don't hurry this. [she slowly takes a step on the stage and King of Ooo lifts her up and brings her on stage.]
King of Ooo: There you go!
[Mr Pig and Tree Trunks kiss for a while but King of Ooo push them back.]
King of Ooo: Whoa, whoa, kids! Gotta finish the ceremony first. Keep the baby in the basket!
[Lumpy Space Princess tries to get to the ceremony as Finn is pulling her by the dress.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Everyone at the party get ready! 'Cause here comes the hot bunch of grapes!
["Finn grunts and his foot meets a rock and flings her to a tent.]
Lumpy Space Princess: Ahhhh... oh my gaaaah...
King of Ooo: We've gathered here on this beautiful day, under my life-giving sun, to celebrate the enjoinment of Mr. Pig and Tree Trunks, the little elephant. These two weird animals...
[BMO is still watching from afar.]
BMO: I bet some cute weddings are happening over there.
[Cinnamon Bun still struggles to take the cork out.]
Wyatt: [sighs] BMO, you're so nice.
BMO: Those flowers look really cold.
Wyatt: I've had a hard life. People seem cute. They seem nice. And then when you can't stop crying because they beat you in tennis that one time, they call you a baby.
BMO: Yeah, cute nice babies.
Wyatt: BMO?
BMO: Mm-hmm?
Wyatt: BMO, would you move in with me?
[BMO gasps loudly as its eyes widen and runs into the forest.]
King of Ooo: Do you, Mr Pig, take Tree Trunks to be your ever-wedded wife, forever following the teachings of me the true King of Ooo?
[Cinnamon Bun is seen shaking the bottle of cider.]
Mr. Pig: I do.
[Princess Bubblegum grumbles, steers the blimp and pulls down a lever while stepping on the pedal.]
King of Ooo: Do you, Tree Trunks, do you promise to love Mr. Pig forever, and spend the next 5 years with me and my serenity compound, performing simple household repairs, [Mr. Pig puts the ring around Tree Trunk's paw] to have and to hold the in sickness and in health, in my gated mountain compound?
Tree Trunks: I...
Lumpy Space Princess: Everybody get ready... [ as she crawls to the ceremony, still with Finn pulling her] to pay attention to me...
Tree Trunks: I...
[Cinnamon Bun is still shaking the bottle of cider faster]
Tree Trunks: do... oh [looks over to Finn and Lumpy Space Princess right behind the guests, struggling to get closer. The blimp is also getting closer to the stage]
Lumpy Space Princess: Everybody, hey! I'm here! Look at my bouq- [gets knocked by the blimp.]
[Princess Bubblegum gets off the blimp before it literally crashes the ceremony. Mr. Pig's mother is seen crying profusely and shaking her head. Cinnamon Bun shakes the bottle of cider and the cork is finally out.]
Cinnamon Bun: Ah... [pours the cider into Wyatt's glass.]
King of Ooo: My zep!
Princess Bubblegum: Everybody! This wedding is a farce! A criminal farce!
King of Ooo: Hey, just what are you egging at here?
Princess Bubblegum: I'll tell you what I'm egging at! I'm egging at this outdated wedding officiant license!
King of Ooo: Oh, is that what this is about? You must've found that in my back records! I have the up-to-date paperwork right here!
Tree Trunks: Oh!
Princess Bubblegum: What? Uh...
King of Ooo: Hey, wait, how did you get that? I could've swore it was locked in my zep.
Princess Bubblegum: No... shhh... no... nope nope, stop talking, go to jail! [handcuffs King of Ooo] Yeah!
Tree Trunks: Princess Bubblegum, you have gone too far. We stand together against your tyranny.
[Finn walks while grabbing a knocked out Lumpy Space Princess]
Finn: Hey, everybody.
Tree Trunks: Your prison may hold one of us, but it may not hold all of us.
[All the guests are imprisoned. You and your big mouth, Tree Trunks.]
Tree Trunks: Oh, poor Tree Trunks. Wait, where's my mama? Has anyone seen my... oh!
[Tree Trunk's mother and Wyatt are seen kissing.]
Tree Trunks: No, Mama. Well I guess this is it, sweetie. [telepathic signals enter her head] Oh, oh no, the elephant graveyard is calling me now. Okay, hold your horses, I'm coming!
Mr Pig: Wait, Tree Trunks. Look around: everyone we care about is all here together. Finn, Uncle Donald, Banana Guard Number 1, Jake, Jake Junior, everybody. We can have the ceremony right here.
Tree Trunks: Hey yeah! King of Ooo, will you do the honors?
[King of Ooo is seen biting the candy bars.]
King of Ooo: Are you crazy? That loopy bird is gonna string me up sideways. You can perform your own dang ceremony.! [escapes]
Tree Trunks: Oh, dear.
Mr Pig: Oh, my gosh. Tree Trunks, did you hear?
Tree Trunks: Huh?
Mr Pig: The King said you can perform your own dang ceremony!
Tree Trunks: Yeah, that really stunk.
Mr Pig: But...
Tree Trunks: But... the King's word is law. I can perform my own dang ceremony?
Jake: Are you up to it, TT?
Tree Trunks: I'll try. I guess it's time. A-are you ready?
[Mr Pig nods]
Tree Trunks: Oh. Okay, um... do you Mr Pig take me, Tree Trunks, to be your beautiful wedded wife?
Mr Pig: I do.
Tree Trunks: And do I, Mr Pig, take him to be your lawful wedded husband, Tree Trunks?
Mr Pig: I do.
Tree Trunks: Then you... you may kiss the bride!
[They kiss and Princess Bubblegum cry while watching them at the security camera.]
Princess Bubblegum: Aww, geez, let them all go, Banana Guard Number 3.
Banana Guard Number 3: Uh... what?
Princess Bubblegum: I just can't stay mad at something so cute.
Banana Guard: Did she just say let everyone go?
[Banana Guard Number 3 shrugs and the Banana Guard presses a button and the prison cell doors open and everyone including other criminals run out except for Tree Trunks and Mr. Pig.]
Tree Trunks: Looks like we got the whole place to ourselves... if you know what I'm saying.
[Princess Bubblegum cries while sipping her drink and watching them.]
Mr Pig: Wait, d-don't you think there might be cameras down here?
Tree Trunks: I hope so...
[Princess Bubblegum grimaces with an upraised eyebrow.]
[The episode ends]
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