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This article is a transcript of the Adventure Time episode "Apple Thief" from season 3, which aired on October 3, 2011.

This transcript is complete.


[The episode begins in the Tree Fort's kitchen, where Jake is preparing a meal.]
Jake: [sets table] Finn, lunch is ready!
Finn: [holds nose] Ugh, what are you cooking?
Jake: It's good! I learned it from Rainicorn.
Finn: I'm not eatin' that. It smells funny.
Jake: Dude, this took me, like—
Finn: Let's go over to Tree Trunks's and get some apple pie! Apple pie! Apple Pie! Apple Pie! Apple Pie! Apple Pie! Let's go! [grabs Jake's arm]
Jake: Whoa! [grabs a shrimp from his plate before he leaves] Eh.
[Scene changes to Tree Trunks' house.]
Finn: [knocking on door] Tree Trunks! [opens door and walks in with Jake] [gasps]
[Tree Trunks is lying on the floor next to a broken table, motionless.]
Finn: [running over to her] Tree Trunks! Tree Trunks?
Tree Trunks: [mumbling] Apples... my apples...
Jake: Apples?
Tree Trunks: You! [jumps at Jake] You took my apples! [starts hitting Jake]
Finn: Whoa, whoa! [grabs Tree Trunks] Tree Trunks, it's us, Finn and Jake!
Tree Trunks: Finn... and, and Jake?
Finn: It's okay, Tree Trunks. We're here to help you. Just tell us what happened.
Tree Trunks: [tearing up] They took 'em. They took all of 'em.
Jake: All of what?
Tree Trunks: Apples. My apples that I raised with love from, from mere seedlings. Without my special apples, I won't be able to bake any more apple pies.
Finn & Jake: NOOOOOOOO!
Finn: Don't you worry, Tree Trunks. We'll find those thieves and bring them to justice.
Tree Trunks: Let me show you the crime scene. [leads them outside] You see, boys: scads of apple trees but, but no apples.
Finn: Hmm. Is anything else missing, Tree Trunks?
Tree Trunks: No, Finn, they didn't touch my rocks, or my birds, or my flowers, or, or nothing.
Finn: Hm. Well, I don't see any footprints. What'cha got, Jake?
Jake: [patting the air] No ghost doodies. Oh. Oh, wait. [feeling something invisible] Oh, no. No.
Finn: Hm. Tree Trunks, is there anyone you can think of who might want to crunk you up?
Tree Trunks: Oh, no, Finn. I take great care to assure that-that I'm loved by even the most heinous cretins—
Jake: Hey, guys, I found something! Look!
[Finn and Tree Trunks join Jake at the edge of a hole.]
Tree Trunks: Uh!
Raggedy Princess: Oh, heheh, hey, Finn. Heheh.
Finn: Oh, hey, Raggedy Princess. Have you seen anything fishy going on?
Raggedy Princess: Um, no, heheh. I've been kinda down in this hole for a long time. [laughs nervously] I got knocked down here by some ne'er-do-wells. It was terrible. I was so scared.
Tree Trunks: Ne'er-do-wells? They stole my apples. [flapping ears] I'm gonna sass those boys up nasty!
Finn: [laughs] Awesome. Where do we find these guys?
Jake: Oh, the Candy Tavern, man. I used to hang out there back when I used to snatch old ladies' purses.
Finn: [jaw drops with "brring" sound effect]
Jake: Don't worry, I stopped doing that a long time ago. I didn't know it was wrong.
Finn: [jaw still hanging, with higher "brring" sound effect]
Tree Trunks: Okay, you two, let's get going.
[Scene changes to outside the Candy Tavern. Someone gets thrown out of the window.]
Candy Tavern Person: Whoa!
Tree Trunks: [gasps] Oh, my!
[The three enter the tavern. A Candy Person at the bar repeatedly stabs his hand with a spoon, and an angry cookie shakes.]
Finn: Uh, does Princess Bubblegum know about this place?
Jake: Be cool, man. You're gonna queer the deal.
Finn: Oh, yeah. Try not to act suspicious, Tree Trunks.
Tree Trunks: Okay, I won't.
[The three walk up to the Candy Tavern Bartender.]
Finn & Tree Trunks: Where—?
Finn: Oh. [motions for Tree Trunks to continue]
Tree Trunks: Where's my dang apples?
Finn: Oh, [laughs] Tree Trunks, you're so silly. But, but listen, you wouldn't happen to have seen any—I don't know—apples around, have you?
Bartender: "Seen any apples?" Y'all ask a lot of dumb-butt questions... almost like you're trying to solve somethin'.
Finn: What? Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no.
Bartender: Mmm... clean, too. Almost like some [pounds bar] do-gooders!
Jake: Hold on, we gotta go potty.
[The three enter the bathroom and rub dirt all over their bodies.]
Finn: Dang. They almost got us, but I think we blend in pretty well now.
Tree Trunks: [licking toilet paper] This, this toilet paper's drying my mouth all up.
Finn: Uh, Tree Trunks, don't eat that. [sighs] Here. [holds her up to the mirror] [whispers to Jake] You gotta watch her, man!
Tree Trunks: Oh, I look just like an army brat!
[The three return to the bartender.]
Bartender: What can I do for you?
Finn: [pouring drink onto bar] You know where a guy might maybe score some apples? [drops mug onto the floor, shattering it]
Bartender: Well, when you put it like that.... A couple of buddies I know have some apples for sale. I'll show you.
[He leads them to a back door and opens it to a tall gingerbread man and an upside-down ice cream cone.]
Bartender: Hey, fellas, these folks been askin' 'bout your... apples?
Jaybird: [scratches chin] Okay, show 'em the apples, Smudge.
[Smudge picks up a trash can and puts it over Jake.]
Jaybird: Grab 'em!
[The bartender grabs Finn and Tree Trunks.]
Jaybird: You go back, and you tell your boss to stop looking for those apples 'cause they're ours now!
Finn: Wha-what boss?
Jaybird: Your boss! Dr. J?
Finn: We don't know any Dr. J.
Jaybird: [punches Finn's forehead] Liars! Come on, Smudge [walks off] [mumbling] ...gonna take my apples.
[The bartender drops Finn and Tree Trunks and closes the door. Jake takes the trash can off.]
Jake: What just happened?
Finn: I guess these guys who stole Tree Trunks' apples also stole Dr. J's apples, and they thought we were workin' for him!
Tree Trunks: Finn? Finn.
Finn: Hm?
Tree Trunks: This could be dangerous, a-and if you want to go back home, I understand, but I need to do this.
Finn: Yeah, Tree Trunks, me too.
Jake: Hey, Finn.
Finn: Hm?
Jake: [pointing to mark] What's that on your face, buddy?
Finn: Oh, that guy bopped me one. Must've had a ring on.
Jake: Y'know, I think I seen that symbol somewhere before. Yeah, right next door to where I used to hawk stolen bikes.
Finn: What?!
Jake: I didn't know it was wrong.
[Scene changes to the outskirts of the Candy Kingdom.]
Jake: [points to a building with the mark] Yeah, you see? That guy must work here or somethin'.
[The three walk up to the building.]
Finn: [knocks on the door] Hello?
Wormo: [through door] Who's the heck happening? What?
Finn: Uh, we're here about the apples?
Wormo: Oh, okay. Let's see your ring.
Finn: Um...
Jake: Here. [forms a ring on his finger and shows it to Wormo]
Wormo: [opens door] Come on in. Follow this guy. [leads them in]
[Before the door closes, someone stops it with their foot.]
Wormo: [leading them downstairs] My boss is gonna be real psyched I found someone to buy his apples. A whole crate. [shows them a crate of diamonds]
Finn: What the?
Wormo: What's wrong, guy?
Finn: These aren't apples.
Wormo: Oh, ya didn't mean diamonds? All ne'er-do-wells call diamonds "apples." Like calling money "bread" or rock-knockers "butter-slaps."
Jaybird: [opening door] Hey, Wormo, we're back—what the?! [points to Finn, Jake, and Tree Trunks] What are they doing here?
Wormo: They're here for the apples.
Jaybird: That's the dang Dr. J gang, Wormo! Grab 'em!
[Finn, Jake, and Tree Trunks are tied up.]
Tree Trunks: Um, sir? [laughs nervously] I promise if you let us go, we won't tell no one about your apples.
Wormo: Feed 'em to the pig.
Smudge: Yeah, the pig.
Jaybird: Heheh, yeah, all right. [walks offscreen and returns carrying Mr. Pig]
Mr. Pig: Uh, I'm sorry, y'all. They're makin' me do this. I-I'll try to make it quick.
Dr. J: Hold it!
[Dr. J and his gang appear.]
Jaybird: Dr. J! [drops pig]
Dr. J: Yeah, yeah, and I want my apples back.
Jaybird & Dr. J: [in unison] Get 'em, boys!
[While the gangs fight, Finn, Jake, and Tree Trunks free themselves from the rope, and Jake brings the pig with them to Tree Trunks' house.]
Tree Trunks: [starts sobbing]
Finn: Aw, don't cry, Tree Trunks.
Tree Trunks: But we're never gonna find those apples.
Mr. Pig: Apples? You guys looking for apples?
Jake: Uh, yeah, why?
Mr. Pig: 'Cause I can hear a bunch of apples in this room.
Jake: Wait, you mean "apples" as "diamonds"?
Mr. Pig: No.
Jake: "Apples" as "apples"?
Mr. Pig: Yep.
Finn: You mean apples that we eat?
Mr. Pig: Yes.
Tree Trunks: With all due respect, Mr. Pig, sir, my apples were stolen by a dirty, rotten criminal who needs to be put in jail.
Mr. Pig: I'm just telling you the facts, ma'am. What I hear is a whole pigload of apples inside that closet. [points to wardrobe] They sound scared.
Tree Trunks: Well, I hate to tell you this, boys, but there's no apples in this closet. [sticks tail into keyhole] You see, uh, I'm the only one who knows how to open this closet. [opens it]
[Dozens of apples spill out.]
Finn & Jake: [gasp]
Tree Trunks: Oh, so I was the apple thief after all.
Finn: No, Tree Trunks, that's preposterous.
Tree Trunks: No, Finn, I'm a criminal, [picks up phone and dials 911] and I need to pay the price.
Banana Guard [over phone]: Banana Guard speaking.
Tree Trunks: Uh, this is Tree Trunks. I've done somethin' horrible, and I want you to come over and arrest me.
[Finn and Jake exchange sad looks.]
[Scene changes to outside the house, with Tree Trunks in handcuffs and two Banana Guards standing by.]
Finn: Tree Trunks, you don't need to do this.
Tree Trunks: Thank you, Finn and Jake, but I won't let myself slip away from such a terrible crime. Goodbye.
Finn: Tree Trunks.
Banana Guard: Ah, this is hard to watch. I'm gonna look away.
[Several crows fly out of the forest.]
Banana Guard: This place could use a scarecrow.
Finn: Huh? Wait, what'd you say?
Banana Guard: Uh, I-I said this place could use a scarecrow.
Finn: A scarecrow, no footprints, all those magpies on the roof, Raggedy Princess in the ditch, and all the apples in Tree Trunks's closet.
Banana Guard [in Finn's memory]: Boy, this place could use a scarecrow.
Finn: That's it! [climbs onto Tree Trunks' house's roof] I knew it!
[A nest is next to a hole in the roof. A magpie brings an apple to its chicks, but the apple falls into the hole.]
Finn: The magpies have been stealing the apples and accidentally dropping them in this hole!
Jake: And that's why there weren't any footprints around the tree!
Finn: Yes. And the magpies were able to steal the apples because Raggedy Princess wasn't sitting on the fence post to scare them off!
Tree Trunks: Does this mean I'm innocent?
Jake: As innocent as a baby's butt cheek!
Finn: [jumps off roof] [laughs] Awesome! This calls for a celebration! You know what that means, Tree Trunks!
Tree Trunks: I'ma bake you the biggest and the tastiest apple pie you boys ever tasted. [strains and breaks the handcuffs]
Banana Guards: Whoa.
Tree Trunks: [to Banana Guards] Uh, you boys better stick around if you want a bite of my apple pie. [slaps Banana Guard]
Banana Guard: She slapped my butt!
[The other Banana Guard gives a thumbs up.]
Tree Trunks: [laughs]
[The others join in.]

Episode ends