Card Wars (episode)/Transcript

(The episode begins with Finn eating two sandwiches and drinking from a cup. He then falls asleep. Jake enters with an exaggerated sigh. Finn notices his sighing.)

Finn: Hey, Jake, what's wrong? You look dumpy. How come? Is it because of that metal box? Is something sad inside?

Jake: No. It's nothin'.

Finn: There's lots of boxes that have nothing in them, but also, you can put something in the box, and then it won't be empty. Does that make you feel better?

Jake: Ha ha. You're a charmer, Finn Human. No... it's... well... Lady Rainicorn doesn't wanna play the game Card Wars with me. I always beat 'er... 'cuz she says, "No more Card-warring."

Finn: What's Card Wars?

Jake: It's a fantasy card game that's super complicated and awesome, but—well... No, it's kinda stupid. Never mind.

Finn: How come you never talked about it before? It sounds cool!

Jake: Really? Well... I thought you'd say it was for nerds who do not know how life is outside of the nerd universe.

Finn: It is, man. But I still totally wanna play it. So no more moping, okay?

Jake: Thanks, Finn.

(Scene transition. The two have drinks and the game in hand. Jake gets rid of dishes on the table and they put they're paraphernalia on it. BMO enters with a skateboard.)

Jake: Oh, hey, BMO. You wanna play, too?

BMO: No. I do not play such games... with Jake.

Finn: What's that mean?

Jake: Ah, whatever. Let's play the game.

(Finn eats some chips and Jake sets up the board.)

Finn: So what kinda stakes do we play for?

Jake: How about... the loser... is a dweeb, and the winner is a cool guy?

Finn: Those are good stakes.

(Jake pours soda into the cups in front of him. He begins to add extra ingredients to the one on the left.)

Jake: Coffee ground, beetle butter, grape jelly, kimchi, and... this stuff. (It's a bottle of pink liquid that says "HAM CHUNK JUICE".)

Finn: Hey! You're ruining that pop with weird taste!

(Jake writes "DWEEB" on the left cup and "COOL GUY" on the right one.)

Jake: We drink when the game is over.

Finn: Oh, gross.

Jake: Now lemme explain the rules.

(Time card: 2 HOURS LATER...)

Jake: That's basically the basics! Once we have our kingdom set up... (Floops land cards) ...it's time to start to play. FOR THE GLORY! (Finn wakes up with a dazed "Whuh?") Hey, were you asleep?! I'll have to explain it all over again!

Finn: Doesn't matter. Let's just play.

Jake: But if you don't know the rules then you're gonna lose in the first couple rounds, like Lady always does! And then you'll hate the game, and then you'll hate me, and then, and then...

Finn: (Scoffs) You think you're gonna win? I'm gonna crush you! Party-dance-style, dweeb!

Jake: Haha! Bring it!

Finn: So... how do I get my land on the map?

Jake: Oh... you, uh, floop your land cards.

(Finn does so, and his land and buildings appear.)

Finn: Uh...

Jake: Keep those honeys hidden, or I'll get a strategic advantage!

Finn: Oh! (Holds cards closer) Hmmm...

Jake: Okay, I go first. I floop the Silo of Truth!

(The Silo appears and it reveals what cards Finn has in hand.)

Finn: (Gasps) Hey!!

Jake: Pfff, you got really lame cards. Hmm. I'll take the Cerebral Bloodstorm, though.

Finn: Huh? (Jake claims the card.)

Jake: Okay, now it's the battle phase. I'm attackin' your schoolhouse with my Husker Knights. (Activates Husker Knights) And I'm castin' Cerebral Bloodstorm! (Does so) So, what'll you use to defend?

Finn: Uh... Can my Cool Dog and Ancient Scholar defeat your Husker Knights?

Jake: (Laughs) Of course not!

Finn: Hmm. Then I floop the Pig.

Jake: What?! (Laughs)

Finn: What?

Jake: Okay... okay, first of all, you don't floop a creature to make it fight. You activate a creature.

Finn: Hmm. No. It says I can floop the Pig. See?

(The Pig is flooped onto the battlefield. It runs past the knights and storm and starts eating Jake's cornfields.)

Jake: (Gasps) No... He's eating all my cornfields! My Husker Knights draw energy from corn! (His knights collapse.)

Finn: And, since I'm not actually attacking, your Cerebral Bloodstorm only does damage... to your own kingdom's troops.

Jake: (Big gasp) You just wiped out my entire attack!!

Finn: What do you expect if all your power units come from corn? Pigs eat corn, dude. Cornfields stink.

Jake: CORNFIELDS ARE AWESOME! What makes you think you know so much about Card Wars?!

Finn: It's just logic!

Jake: ...Your turn.

Finn: Hmm...

Jake: You're supposed to discard a card and pick up a new one first.

Finn: Oh. Right.

Jake: Look at you. You're a babe in the woods. Your beginner's luck ends this round!

Finn: Hmm. (Discards a card and picks up another. He activates it.)

Jake: Spirit Tower?! And the Cave of Solitude?!

Finn: Now my battle phase begins. I activate my Ancient Scholar... to begin studying. And I also move my Pig to the Cave of Solitude so he can take a nap.

Jake: That's it? You're not attacking?

Finn: I'll attack on a different turn.

Jake: HA! Then the seas have aligned and the five winds waft the smell of victory to my palace doors! I cast Field of Nightmares and activate my Legion of Earlings to scare your Pig to death!

Finn: My Pig's in the Cave of Solitude.

Jake: Um... I cast Teleport—to move your Pig to move your pig to the empty field so I can attack 'im!

Finn: Uh... wouldn't Teleport only work on your own creatures?

Jake: You're right. I'm gonna slay that Pig, though!

Finn: How? You don't have any creatures that can touch 'im! (Jake grunts angrily.) Face it, man. I'm the cool guy.

Jake: Hmm. (Gasps) You're the cool guy, huh? Well, lemme make it a little hot for you, then. (Flooping Volcano card) Heh heh heh heh... I floop the Volcano!

Finn: What?! That'll destroy your kingdom too, won't it?!

Jake: Hmm. Maybe.

(Volcano spews lava, killing everything on the board.)

Finn: Aah!! My Pig!!

Jake: (Chuckles deviously) The Pig is dead. Now I reconstitute my cornfields using the Reclaim Landscape spell! (Does it) My Husker Knights revive! And I still have my battle phase! Hiding in the Useless Swamp... the Immortal Maze Walker!

(Immortal Maze Walker appears on board.)

Immortal Maze Walker: I LOVE CORN!

(Finn makes a worried noise.)

Jake: Cornfields give the Immortal Maze Walker triple damage.

Finn: Uhh...

Jake: I told you cornfields are awesome! Your Ancient Scholar and Cool Dog won't survive this time!

Finn: Actually, my Ancient Scholar's been studying the Raise the Dead ability.

Jake: Well, so what?

Finn: So, my Ancient Scholar Raises the Dead. (The Pig is revived.) I floop the Pig.

Jake: NOOOOO!

(The Pig eats Jake's corn; the Husker Knights collapse.)

Finn: Look! My Tower's doin' a thing!

(The Spirit Tower sends it's waves to the Immortal Maze Walker. It appears on Finn's side and is now blue.)

Immortal Maze Walker: HARMONY HARMONY HARMONY!

Jake: YOU GANKED MY SPIRIT WALKER!! AAAAGH! (Runs away from the table and angrily mutters incomprehensible words to himself)

Finn: Uh... Maybe we should take a break?

Jake: (Makes a strange, low noise) Your turn.

Finn: Huh?!

(Jake grows to a monstrous size.)

Jake: '''YOU PLAY! YOU PLAY!' (Retracts)''

Finn: (To himself) Oh, zing.

BMO (flashback): I do not play such games... with Jake.

Finn: Sorry! I gotta use the boy's stall room! (Runs away quickly) (Whispering) BMO! BMO!

(BMO drops on Finn's shoulder.)

BMO: BMO chop! If this were a real attack, you'd be dead.

Finn: BMO! Jake's acting banununununus!

BMO: Oh, no! Are you winning the game of Card Wars?

Finn: Yeah!

BMO: That's terrible! If Jake loses the game, he gets super depressed! When I beat him, he wouldn't talk to me for a month!

Finn: What?! I only played so he wouldn't be bummed!

BMO: Finn, you must take a dive.

Finn: Okay, I'll try. But... I'm a Card Wars super Amadeus!

(Jake's strected appendages capture Finn and pull him back to the table.)

Jake: Play. The. Game.

Finn: (Thinking) Grob. Better make this look good. (Breathes deeply) (Out loud) Alright, Jake. Get ready for my ultimo attack!

Jake: Well... I've still got my Wandering Bald Man. (The Wandering Bald Man gets stuck in Jake's mud landscape.) Oh, no.

Finn: I need to get rid of my Pig so Jake can reconstitute his cornfields. (Finn thinks for a second, then smiles.) I activate the Pig—to attack your Wandering Bald Man.

Jake: Well, that's stupid. Just attack with the Immortal Maze Walker and get the game over with.

Finn: No way! You've underestimated me and my Pig all day!

(The Pig goes to the Wandering Bald Man and attacks it.)

Finn: (Thinking) Please lose. Please lose!

(The Wandering Bald Man slaps the Pig, but the Pig defeats him. The scene is suddenly in slow motion. Jake discards a card.)

Finn: Noooo!

Jake: I...

(The Pig gets stuck in the mud and turns yellow.)

Jake: OHHH-HO! Ohhh, oh, yeah! Pigs can't leave mud landscapes once they're on them! Hahaha! The Pig is mine! First, I'll play Reclaim Landscape, then I cast Summon Archer Dan!

(Archer Dan appears and destroys Finn's buildings.)

Finn: (To himself) Whoa. Math.

(Jake plays the Reaper card and steals the souls of Finn's creatures. The Immortal Maze Walker is orange-red again, the Ancient Scholar is now orange, and the Cool Dog is now green. The three go to Jake's side of the board.)

Finn: My boys!

Jake: You have no creatures left. That's the game, boyee!! The five winds blow through cornfields once again! For the glory of Jakeoria!

Finn: Heh. You got me.

Jake: (Slams Finn's face on the board) In yo' face! It's time to drink up! It looks like you are the dweeb and I am the cool guy! (Drinks from the "COOL GUY" cup) (Finn sniffs the "DWEEB" cup and retches. Jake frowns.) Is it... too gross for you, man?

Finn: No, no. I gotta take what's coming to me. (Drinks it and smiles) Hey... Not that bad! I like it!

Jake: WHAT?!

Finn: You want a taste?

(Jake sips it and immediately spits it out.)

Jake: AW, IT'S GROSS!

Finn: (Laughs) In your face, dweeb!

(Finn comes over to Jake and sips the cup again. Jake sips it again, too. They both laugh. They both continue sipping the "DWEEB" cup. As they do so, BMO enters and just shakes its head at them before the episode ends.)