Conquest of Cuteness/Transcript

(The episode begins with Jake humming contentedly while frying an egg. Finn enters the scene and Jake begins to beatbox. Finn begins to dance and add vocals to Jake's beatboxing.)

Finn and Jake (In unison): Yeeeaaah!

Finn: What's for B-fast, Jake?

Jake: Everything burrito! (Finn gasps and Jake begins wrapping the burrito.) (Whispering) I love you, everything burrito. (He kisses the burrito. Suddenly, there's a loud noise and the room momentarily quakes. Finn and Jake go downstairs to investigate.) Oh, man. I think someone wants to eat everything burrito! I won't let 'em get ya, baby! (Kisses the burrito once more)

Finn: Jake! Come on! Get ready!

Jake: (Sets the burrito down) Ready!

Finn and Jake (In unison): Yaaaaah!

(Finn and Jake leap outside and discover the Cuties.)

Cute King: Peep!

Jake: So cute!

Finn: Look at their little faces! Haha!

Jake: Haha!

Cute King: We're not cute! We're evil, ...and we're here to dominate you!

Finn: Get the camera, Jake!

Jake: I can't! I'm paralyzed by the cuteness!

Finn and Jake: BMO! BMO! BMO! BMO!

(BMO enters and pushes Finn and Jake aside)

BMO: What? What? What? What?

Finn and Jake (In unison): BMO! Get the camera!

BMO: BMO is camera!

(Finn and Jake begin taking pictures with the Cuties, and Cute King gets increasingly annoyed.)

Cute King: Enough! Now... bow down to me, Cute King, and my legion of Cuties!

(BMO takes another picture)

Finn: Great shot, BMO!

Cute King: Since you won't take us seriously, we will kill you. Until then, enjoy your burrito, Jake.

Jake: (Suddenly worried) Huh?

(Cute King chuckles and the Cuties walk away. Jake, inside the fort, gasps, and Finn and BMO run next to the door.)

Jake: My burrito!

Finn: It's perfectly fine.

Jake: No, Finn... They probably poisoned it!

Finn: Naaaaawww...

Jake: They knew my name. They knew about the burrito.

Finn: Man, you're letting your brain dial turn your fear volume up. You'll see. Those Cuties are nothing but an afternoon's delight.

(Scene switches to nighttime. Finn looks at Jake out the window. Jake is holding a shovel and standing next to his burrito's grave. Finn walks to his bed and yawns; he gets under the covers. Suddenly, Jake enters.)

Finn: Jake? What're you doing in my bed?

Jake: (Somewhat worried) Oh, nothing much. You know, just... chilling.

Finn: Wait a second... Are you still messed up about those little guys?

Jake: (Beat) A little.

Finn: Look, man, whaddaya say tomorrow morning we go track those little guys down and find out just what their deal is? Sound good, buddy?

Jake: Yeah. Thanks, buddy. (Finn rests. Jake thinks for a moment.) Man, you sound just like Mom sometimes.

Finn: Yeah. Good ol' Mom.

Jake: She always knew just what to say.

Finn: Yeah. Goodnight, brotha.

Jake: Goodnight. (Fade to black. Suddenly, Jake whispers to Finn in a worried tone.) Finn! Finn! (We see Finn's point of view as he opens his eyes.) Finn, wake up, man!

Finn: Wha? Huh?

Jake: I think someone's in the house. (Finn makes a tired groaning noise as he lights a candle.) For real, man! Shh, listen.

Finn: Uh...

Jake: I swear, man! I really heard something. (Footsteps are heard, and Jake gasps.) Finn!!

Finn: I heard. (Raising his voice) Okay. Who's out there?

(Finn shines the candle across the room and eventually spots two Cuties who quickly crawl away.)

Jake: What the--?! That's my sword! (Picks it up) What do they want with my sword, man?! (Finn makes a worried face. There is a sudden noise downstairs.) (Whispering) It came from downstairs.

Finn: Alright. That's it.

Jake: Where are you going?

Finn: I'm gonna go man-handle those guys' banandles! (Goes downstairs)

Jake: (Beat) ...What?! (He follows.)

Finn: Well, they broke a window, but I don't see any of 'em. (Picks up a shard from the ground) I guess they left. (Throws it back down again)

Jake: Oh, no. OH, AWWW, NO!

Finn: Jake, what is it?!

Jake: (Drops his sword) Awww, no! It's a dead goat, man! Its guts are all over the place! It's all chopped up and spread around and... (Looks closer) Ah, no, wait, it's just a blanket. I think I left it here this morning.

Voice: Jaaaake! Fiiiin! This is the voice of your moooom! I've come back to tell you how dumb you always aaaare! (Voice is revealed to belong to a Cutie) I hate you guys so muuuuch!

Finn: Get 'im, Jake!

Jake: Aaah! Aaah!

(The Cutie hisses making Jake shrink back in terror. Finn chases the Cutie, and it hides in a knothole; Finn grabs it.)

Finn: Jake, I got 'im! He's freakin' out, man! What do I do?!

Jake: Shake 'im!

Finn: What?!

Jake: Shake 'im around 'til he stops!

Finn: Okay. (He does so.) Rrrrrrr! (The Cutie gets tired out.) They stopped.

Jake: Okay. Now tell 'im not to talk about our mom!

Finn: How do you even know our mom?

Cutie's first head: We've been watching you.

Cutie's second head: Learning your weaknesses.

Finn: What?! Why?!

Cutie's first head: For tomorrow morning.

Cutie's second head: When our army comes and kills you both.

Cutie's first head: You think we're so cute, when actually... we're the opposite of that!! (Bites Finn's hand)

Jake: Hold 'im!

(Finn tries to keep a grip on the Cutie, but its arm is accidentally yanked off, allowing it to escape with a cackling laugh. Finn holds up the dismembered appendage.)

Finn: Oh, gross.

Jake: Well?! Do you believe me now, Finn?!

Finn: I... I don't know what to believe anymore.

Jake: Well, that's close enough. Let's start settin' up some barricades!

(Scene switches to the following day. Finn and Jake are sitting behind their barricade holding weapons. Finn is asleep and Jake is anxiously waiting. Suddenly, a bugle in E is heard, and Finn wakes up with a start, accidentally firing an arrow. Finn and Jake look out the window to find the cuties charging forward.)

Jake: There's gotta be a thousand of 'em!

Finn: Wait. Jake, look.

(The Cuties begin tripping themselves over, falling apart, and exploding (among other things) until there are none left.)

Jake: (Not scared anymore) These guys aren't a threat to anyone.

Finn: These guys are a threat to themselves.

(One Cutie accidentally harms another, and Finn and Jake inhale through clenched teeth.)

Finn: Oh, hey, it's what's-his-face!

Cute King: No... My men! Quickly, men! Pick yourselves up before the enemy sees! (Finn and Jake look at each other.) Come on, now. That's it. Easy does it. (Cute King takes his injured soldiers away and Finn and Jake sneak after them.) Braviest warriors! I ask you: must we have our butts handed to us by everyone we meet?! How will we ever splash around in the brains of our enemies if you guys can't take two steps without exploding?! Bliblob, I'm lookin' at you! (Bliblob explodes.) Can I please just get one victory?! ONCE?! (The Cuties begin to cry.) Now don't start that. (Saddened) Don't you do it! (The Cuties begin to sob and Cute King joins them.)

Jake: Wanna just smash 'em all?

Finn: What?! No, man, look. These guys aren't gonna quit until they win or die, ...and they're not gonna win, so what if we let 'em win, just this once?

Jake: What?! And mess up my stats?!

Finn: No. We'd be winning by helping them to win. That's a win! (Jake scowls at Finn's logic.) And then they'll be happy and leave us alone.

Jake: (Reluctantly) Alright.

Finn: Yessss! Now, let's rally an army so we can look intimidating.

Jake: Who're we gonna call?

Finn: All of our friends.

(Scene switches to the "battlefield". Jake, Lumpy Space Princess, a duck, BMO, and Cinnamon Bun are all lined up in front of Finn.)

Finn: My army of friends! Today, we will lose this battle, but we will also win it! (They cheer.) When the enemy charges, crumble like a cookie. When you feel their puny punches, fade like a flower, and writhe in your own blood!

BMO: But, but... how are we to bleed if none of this is real?

Finn: With faith, m'lady... and ketchup!

(They cheer again.)

Jake: Ketchup is delicious and deceiving!

Finn: And hey, guys... Let's keep the acting subtle. Less is more.

Lumpy Space Princess: No way.