To Cut a Woman's Hair

Summary
An ugly Tree Witch asks Finn and Jake to get princess hair to help cure her baldness and make her beautiful. When Finn declines, she sits on Jake and threatens to suck him into her "bottomless bottom," Finn goes along with giving her a lock of hair.

Plot
The episode starts with Finn chewing up apples in order to feed the pre-chewed apple to the Birds of Mrs. Yoder, a bird who had injured her beak. When Finn makes kissing motions/noises, Jake teases Finn, saying that Finn wishes the apple was Princess Bubblegum, and that Finn wants to kiss her. Jake makes light of Finn's lack of talent with the ladies, to which Finn does not respond. They finish feeding the birds while Mrs. Yoder thanks them, calling them heroes.

Suddenly, the Tree Witch springs out of a nearby bush, asking them if they are truly heroes. Creeped out by her odd behavior, Finn asks her why she was hiding in a bush, and what she needs help with. She explains that she is a tree witch and demonstrates her power by growing small trees from her hands. She then points out her very obvious balding problem and informs them that the only way for her to be beautiful is to cover her problem with princess hair.

Finn agrees to help her find some princess hair at first, but Jake pulls him to the side, saying that they shouldn't help her because she is obviously evil (since she is so ugly). Finn doesn't know how to get out of helping her, so Jake decides to use his charm to persuade her. He tells the Tree Witch that she is beautiful without hair, and that if he didn't have a girlfriend, he'd be "on her like butter on toast." The Tree Witch giggles and flirts with him, saying that she doesn't mind that he has a girlfriend. She asks how he would court him, and Jake offers a Spaghetti Dinner. Finn then cuts in, seeing it isn't working, and says that as a hero he only helps when someone is in danger. The Tree Witch nods, seeming to understand, and then uses her magic to pull Jake over to where she can sit on him. She claims that she will suck him into her "Bottomless Bottom" unless Finn gets her some princess hair right away.

After promising Jake that he'll save him, Finn runs off in search of princesses. First he comes across Muscle Princess, in her castle. She tears the door off and he immediately begs her for her hair. She tries to hug him, believing he likes her, and he pulls back, surprised. He changes his statement, yelling that "I'm here to save you from your hair! It looks really bad, cut it off quick!" She explains that of course it's ugly. If it wasn't, no one would look at her muscles. She punches him roughly and says, " Come back when you wanna get serious about loving me!!" The scene changes to Finn's beat up face and he says, "Jake was right. I AM horrible at talking to ladies."

He soon comes across Lumpy Space Princess, presumably living in the woods. She mumbles about how she'll never go back 'there', and it is assumed that she has run away from home. Finn questions if she even has hair but sees that she does, and begins to cut it. Lumpy Space Princess wakes up, and thinks that Finn is in love with her, even though he fiercely denies it. She says if he wants her lumps he has to put a ring on her finger. She chases him away from her camp, calling out that she always knew he loved her.

Finn soon comes across a graveyard, believing he'll find a princess who will give him her hair but will not think he's in love with them. He wanders through the fog and the tombstones until he finds a grave that says, "Here Lies Princess Beautiful, she was so beautiful..." He grabs a shovel, commenting on how macabre the situation is, and digs up the coffin. He opens it to find a completely bald skeleton. Princess Beautiful thanks Finn for digging her up and walks away. A confused Finn looks again at the grave stone, only to see the rest of the epitaph, ."..but died of baldness."

Meanwhile, Jake has been sucked further into the Tree Witch's bottomless bottom. Finn returns, telling him he can't get princess hair, because the princesses all keep falling in love with him. Jake tells him to use that power to get their hair, and even marry a princess if he has to. Finn runs off again, desperate to save his friend.

Eventually he makes it to Princess Bubblegum's home, and he hurriedly tells her to come with him. He takes her to a clearing in the woods, where a large cauldron is boiling water. She asks him what is going on, and he says they're going to have a spaghetti dinner. She points out that there's nowhere to sit, and Finn screams, chops down a tree, and creates chairs and a table. He puts a table cloth on it and sets up plates and silverware, before going over and grabbing a large ball of spaghetti out of the cauldron with his bare hands and putting it on the table. He demands she eats it, and she does so, commenting that he's lucky she likes spaghetti. Finn asks Bubblegum if she likes him, and she admits that she likes him. After asking her again if she does like him, he quickly asks for some of her hair. She pulls a chunk off and gives it to him, and he thanks her and runs off.

By now Jake is almost completely sucked up, and the Tree Witch is making small talk, asking him if 'Little Whiner' is a good name for a kitten. Finn returns, and gives her Bubblegum's hair. She accepts it, but then points out that it is just bubble gum, and chews it up to demonstrate. She then says that Finn should say goodbye to his dog and Jake is sucked further into her bottom. Finn screams, and then becomes angry. He tells her that if there's one thing he's learned today, it's that he's great at talking to ladies. He tells the Tree Witch that she is ugly inside and out, so ugly that she makes him want to vomit, and that she will never be beautiful, no matter how lovely her hair is because of what's inside. Jake resigns himself to death, but the Tree Witch actually gets off of him, sad. She says that she knew hair wouldn't make anyone love her, but maybe she would learn to love herself.

Finn feels bad for her, and asks if she needs princess hair specifically. She says that it doesn't matter where the hair comes from, it just has to be beautiful. Finn then breaks the fourth wall by taking off his hat, revealing his gorgeous, long blond hair. Jake and the Tree Witch appear stunned, so they most likely did not know what Finn looked like under his hat. He gives his hair to the Tree Witch, and she states that now she will use the hair for evil. Finn and Jake are horrified but laugh with relief when she trips on her long hair and falls over, unable to move.

Major characters

 * Finn
 * Jake
 * Tree Witch
 * Princess Bubblegum
 * Muscle Princess
 * Lumpy Space Princess
 * Princess Beautiful

Minor characters

 * Mrs. Yoder
 * Birds
 * Simon
 * Snail

Trivia

 * Finn removes his hat for the first time in the series.
 * The person who plays the voice of the Tree Witch is the same person who voices Flapjack from The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack, Thurop Van Orman.
 * Lumpy Space Princess actually has very short hair.
 * It is noted in this episode Princess Bubblegum loves spaghetti.
 * This episode confirms that Princess Bubblegum's hair is also made of bubblegum.

Episode connections

 * The wad of Princess Bubblegum's hair that Finn gave to the Tree Witch was returned to him and is seen again in "What Was Missing" and "Incendium."
 * Lumpy Space Princess appears to have run away from her parents, as she is seen living in the forest instead of back in Lumpy Space, but the reason why is revealed in The Monster.

Cultural references

 * When Lumpy Space Princess tells Finn to "put a ring on it," she could be referring to the Beyoncé song Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).
 * The entire episode may be a reference to Alexander Pope's poem, Rape of the Lock."

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