Ricardio the Heart Guy/Transcript

(The episode begins with Ice King flying with Princess Bubblegum, cackling deviously.)

Finn: Hey, fart-face!!

Ice King: Huh?

Finn: Unhand Princess Bubblegum!!

Ice King: Foolish interlopers! Zah! (Fires ice magic at Finn)

Finn: (Evading it) Whoa! (Throws a snowball at him) Ah!

Ice King: Ee hee hee hee—OOH! (Gets hit by snowball) MY EYESIGHT!

(Jake forms his posterior into Princess Bubblegum's shape while Finn puts two rocks on it, representing her eyes. He replaces Princess Bubblegum with his posterior without Ice King noticing.)

Princess Bubblegum: Huh? Hee hee hee!

Finn: Hey, Ice King! I bet you'll never kiss the princess!

Ice King: I will kiss her! I will! (To "princess") Hold still. (Kisses Jake's posterior) Mwah!

Finn: (Laughs) You just kissed Jake's butt!

Ice King: What?! (Jake reforms his posterior.) EEEEGH!! (The other three laugh.) (Flying away) The hour is yours, but the day shall be mine! Just like you, Princess—MINE!

Princess Bubblegum: What a patoot. Thanks for saving the day yet again, boys.

Finn: You're welcome, Princess. (She hugs him.) Uh... (He blushes, and Jake raises his eyebrow, amused.)

Princess Bubblegum: I'm gonna throw you two a party. Meet at the Candy Kingdom—TONIGHT!

(The three cheer. "PARTY TIME" logo pops up and balloons fill up the screen to shift to the next scene. Finn and Jake are walking to the Candy Castle through the Cotton Candy Woods.)

Jake: That paper crane for Princess Bubblegum?

Finn: I just thought I'd bring 'er a gift... in return for throwing us this party.

Jake: Heh. I bet you wish you were my butt.

Finn: What?

Jake: I bet you wish you were my butt, because then the princess would... No, wait... I bet you wish you were the Ice King and the princess was my butt!

Finn: What?!

Jake: Hmm... (Snapping) OH! I bet you wish Bubblegum would kiss you, too! Like the Ice King and my butt! Hahahaha!

Finn: That's ridiculous! (Finn imagines Princess Bubblegum kissing him, and he sighs contentedly.) Huh? Uggghhh!! (Jake runs ahead laughing.) What's so funny?

(Hard cut to the Candy Castle)

Peppermint Butler: Hey, everybody. Finn and Jake are here.

Jake: Who's ready to party?!

(The crowd seems focused on and gathered around something else. Finn and Jake confusedly look at each other.)

Finn: What's everyone laughing at?

Wildberry Princess: Shh!

Ricardio: Stand back, everyone. This style of massage is called, "Best Friend Massage."

Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, my gosh...

Ricardio: Because it can only be done for friends. It is completely consensual.

Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, holy cow...

Ricardio: Relax yourself now, Lumpy Space Princess... YAH! (Backflips and pounds her)

Lumpy Space Princess: Oh! I feel so great!

Finn: Who is that guy?

Ricardio: Hahaaa!

(Jake shrugs. A fanfare is heard and Princess Bubblegum enters.)

Princess Bubblegum: Greetings, party-goers! Glad you could all make it!

Finn: Princess Bubblegum! (Ricardio stares at her and he himself starts "beating" hard.) Princess. I just wanted to thank you for—

Lumpy Space Princess: (Cutting in) Oh, my gosh! PB, ya gotta check out this super cute guy. You're gonna love 'im. (They leave Finn and Jake.)

Finn: Uhhh...

Lumpy Space Princess: This is... Oh. Oh, my gosh. I don't even know your name.

Ricardio: Ricardio. Ricardio at your service. I've been waiting all evening to meet you, Princess. (Kissing her hand) Mwah! (Finn pockets his gift, irritated.) I've heard you appreciate ancient technology. Have you ever used the balbaflonic laser to align the hybernotalist rift in the bubaflon plasmodial formation?

Princess Bubblegum: Wow! No, I haven't! (Music starts up; crowd moves to the dance floor.) Wanna continue this conversation on the dance floor?

Ricardio: (Exiting with her) It would be my pleasure, Princess.

Finn: Why didn't the princess invite me to dance?

Jake: If you wanna dance, just go dance!

Finn: But now she's dancing with him! Ah... I feel... weird!

Jake: Huh, it sounds like you're dealing with some new emotions that you don't understand... like jealousy.

Finn: BLAAAARGH!!

Jake: Look, man, just go out there and get down! (Pushes him onto the dance floor)

Ricardio: (To Princess Bubblegum) —transmordial layers completely independent of the babylons. Eh?

Princess Bubblegum: Wow! That would mean that the babylons would fluctuate with the piranha-nanosphere!

Ricardio: Correct!

Finn: Agh! (Goes back to Jake) They're talkin' about science, man! I can't compete with that!

Jake: Do the Science Dance! Remember it? It was sorta like this. (Does it) Wah unh we ah eeh...

Finn: You think that'll work?

Jake: Yeah! Probably. (Pushes him back onto the dance floor) Do it, man! You're a pro!

Finn: (Dancing) Science Dance! Science Dance!

Ricardio: (Still talking with Bubblegum) —lower proximities to—

Finn: Science Dance! Hey, eh, Princess! You wanna spend some time with me?

Ricardio: Excuse me, Princess. You must excuse me. (Exits)

Princess Bubblegum: Oh, uh... Alright! (To Finn) Finn, what the cabbage? I was learning about zanoits!

Finn: (Prevaricating) Oh... I'm... into zanoits! They're the best!

Princess Bubblegum: Zanoits kill hundreds of thousands of plantoids a year.

Finn: Oh, no, not the plantoids!

Princess Bubblegum: Plantoids produce mellotoxin! (Finn stares.) Mellotoxin kills zanoits!!

Finn: ...So are zanoits... good things?

Princess Bubblegum: (Changing the subject) You're totally jealous of Ricardio.

Finn: No, I'm not. I just don't like the way he talks to you. It makes me feel weird.

Princess Bubblegum: That's jealousy, hun.

Finn: I'm not jealous! I'M WEIRD!!!

(The party notices Finn's scene.)

Jake: (To himself) Woof! Heh heh... This is goin' bad. Hey, Finn. You gotta come help me slay these peanut monsters by the bar. It can't wait. (He and Finn are alone.) Wow, man, what happened back there?

Finn: Agh... I don't know! I was tryin' to warn 'er, but she twisted my words around and—

Jake: Yeah. Ladies are twisty, man. Bubblegum's super smart, too.

Finn: I know! And I can't shake this weird feeling about Ricardio. I think he's... a villain.

Jake: Why? Is it because his face is so foldy and dramatic?

Finn: No! I can just feel it in my gut! He's up to something sinister!

Jake: Maybe what you feel is romantic rivalry.

Finn: I'll prove he's a villain!

Jake: How?

Finn: Stake-out.