To Cut a Woman's Hair/Transcript

(The episode starts off in forest with Finn feeding baby birds in nest mashed up food)

Birds: Chirp Chirp Chirp

Finn: Hey Jake give me some of that apple

Jake: Comin’ up

(Jake does a wave with his left arm then stretches his right arm up to Finn handing him the apple.)

(Finn starts chewing apple.)

Jake: I know what you’re thinking about.

Finn (Blurred because there is an apple in his mouth): What?

Jake: Kissing Princess Bubblegum on the mouth.

(Finn spits chewed up apple to baby birds.)

Finn (quickly & with nervousness in his voice): No I’m not. And I wouldn’t even do that ever.

Jake: Yeah you would, your just bad at talking to ladies.

Finn: Hmm

(Continues feeding birds)

Finn: Should I keep goin’ Misses Yodar.

Misses Yodar: No Finn that’s plenty, thank you.

Finn: Okay

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Throws away apple)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Let us know if you need anything at all.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Misses Yodar: You two are heroes

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jumps off tree and spins around branch to land swiftly on the ground)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Humph

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Come on dude

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Did you hear that she called us heroes

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: hehehe, ya I heard.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(rustling in a bush, Finn and Jake both spot the moving bush and looked shocked)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn and Jake: Huh?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Tree Witch pops out of the bush)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree witch: hey how’s it going?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Brushes the bush off her dress)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Is that true? What the bird said? You guys are heroes’?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Why are you hiding in that shrub?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Oh, I wasn’t hiding, I’m a tree witch. I can turn into Trees and shrubs and bushes and stuff. Check it out.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Holds out arms and they grow into mini trees then pops back to normal hands)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Bleh

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: So listen I need you two heroes to get me a lock of Princess Hair

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Scratches armpit then sniffs)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Why do you need Princess hair?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Why!? Because I have a balding problem, what are you blind?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Pats bald head)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch (Louder) Are You Blind!?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn and Jake: No, what you’re not bald-starts nervously talking gibberish.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Anyway, I need the princess hair so I can put it on my head. (sticks her head out) And then I’ll be beautiful.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Oh, well we now lots of Princesses

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jake stops him from talking)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: annoyingly laughs

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake (Normal): can you give us a minute?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Ya, Okay.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake (whispers): I don’t think we should help her.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn(whispers):: Why not?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake(whispers):: Cause she’s a witch

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: maybe she’s a good witch

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Her? C’mon look at her.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(She turns her finger into a Venus fly trap and it swallows a butterfly.)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: If she was good she wouldn’t be so ugly.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Are you guys still talking?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: So what do we do? Tell her we can’t help her because she’s ugly?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: No man she’ll kill us or put a freaky curse on us or something.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Let me get rid of her with some of my world famous smooth talking.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jake walks over to Tree Witch)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake (Smooth talking with romantic music in the background): Hey girl, sorry about that, (lays down), don’t mind if I take a load off do ya?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: What were you guys talking about?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: How pretty you are

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Huh?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: We were just saying how someone as pretty as you doesn’t even need a full head of hair.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn bends down next to him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Isn’t that right buddy?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Uh, ya totally

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Oh, giggles

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: If I didn’t already have a gf I be on you like butter on toast.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Tree Witch Falls on ground to stare at Jake)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: I don’t mind if you have a gf.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Oh umm…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Dude I don’t think it’s working

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Ya, I think I’m making things worse.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Tree Witch touches Finn’s leg)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: ah-ah-ahhh

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: How would you court me?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Umm, Spaghetti dinner.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Hmm

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Look lady we can’t help you get princess hair

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Why not?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Because we only help when someone in danger

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Oh why didn’t you say so?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">( Stands up and cracks her neck)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Grunts

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Uses magical powers to pick up Jake)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Huh what’s happening?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(She places him on the ground then sits on him)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: I told you she was evil

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Ahh Yaaaa!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jumps to attack Tree Witch, but she deflects him with a force field)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: What? You Forget I’m a witch?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Maybe

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Well maybe you should get me some Princess hair. So maybe your friend doesn’t get sucked into my (devastating music) Bottomless Bottom!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jake starts getting pulled into her bottom)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake (yells): Get some Princess Hair

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: All right, Fine

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: wait! Don’t tell anybody what you need it for

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: What? Why? Tree Witch: I don’t want anybody to know that I have a balding problem.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Okay…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Scene changes to show Finn looking at castle)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> Finn: It’s Muscle Princess’s Castle!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Knocks on door)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Muscle Princess picks up the door from the inside and throws it away)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: Hi Finn

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Uh, Hey Princess Muscles

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: What brings you by?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Uh you were the nearest princess and I need a lock of your hair

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Muscle Princess Looks away and blushes)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: I understand

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: You do?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: Mm Hmm,

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Starts to hug Finn)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn Screams and falls through her arms onto the ground)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: What are you doing?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: Trying to give you a hug

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Why? I want hair not hug.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: Oh I see, you want to take things slo-o-ow.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: No I’m here to save you from your hair, it looks really bad. Cut it off quick

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: Of course it looks bad. If I have beautiful shiny hair then no one would look at my muscles

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Starts punching Finn around)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Muscle Princess: Come back when you want to get serious about loving me!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Slams door back into place)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Screen now shows Finn lying on the ground beat up and bruised)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: I am terrible at talking to ladies.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Scene changes to Finn wondering around a forest)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Were am I going to find a Princess. Princess, Princess, Princess… Who’s that?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Shows LSP sleeping at a hobo camp)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: It’ Lumpy Space Princess,

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn looks around confused at the trash he sees around her)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Does she live in the woods now?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">LSP (Sleep Talking): Get Away From my camp! I’ll cut you… I’m never going back

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Huh, wait does she even have hair

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn gets really close to LSP, revealing her body is covered in very short purple hair)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: She does!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Well hair’s hair

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Pulls out a pair of scissors)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(LSP wakes up in the middle of him clipping her hair)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">LSP: Om My Glob, what the stuff are you doing? Why are you cutting my lumps?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Because their so…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">LSP: I knew you liked me!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Scree pans to show Finn’s face in disgust)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: No I don’t I was just stopping by because…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">LSP: Just admit it lover boy, you can’t resist me! Well if you want these lumps, you got to put a ring on it. Where’s my ring!?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn does a high-pitch scream and runs away)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">LSP: I knew you liked me Finn, that’s why your running, get in touch with your feelings babe!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn is now running through a creepy grave yard)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: What am I going to do? Huh? A grave Yard? Yes! There got to be a harry Princess in there that won’t think I’m hitting on her.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn goes around all the tombstones asking Princess)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Ughh! Come on… Bingo!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(He stops at a grave stone and starts reading what it says)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Here lies Princess Beautiful, she was so beautiful. Hey that’s perfect! And sort of Macomb. Oh well.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn starts digging up her grave)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Ah-Ha!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(He reaches the casket and opens it.)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Only to be surprised to find no hair on the princess)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Princess Beautiful: Hi Finn

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Ahhh!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn moves her skull around checking to see if she has any hair)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Princess Beautiful: What? Please stop that

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn climbs out of the whole followed by Princess Beautiful)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Where’s her hair?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Princess Beautiful: thanks Finn

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn pushes away from the bottom of the tombstone so he can read the rest)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Here lies Princess Beautiful; she was so beautiful ''But Died Of Chronic Baldness. ''Dang it!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Scene changes to the Tree Witch, and Jake is even more sucked up)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: I’m gonna be so beautiful. And go to parties

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Jake, Jake, I’m sorry man. Getting Princess Hair is, is, impossible. They all just think I’m in love with them. Ughh, I can’t do it! You gonna have to live the rest of your life in this witches butt.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Noooo!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Quiet down! I’m daydreaming!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake (whispers): Dude, if they think you like them then use that, embrace it! Fine the least terrible Princess you can play her some music, cook her a meal, smooth talk her until she like you, and then get the hair.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Wait, you mean like go on a date?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Marry a princess if you have to! Just get her hair!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jake’s head gets sucked into her butt)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Jake!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake (Muffled): Go get the hair!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Okay! Hold On!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Now shows Finn running into the candy kingdom)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Princess Bubblegum!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(It shows Finn holding an ax standing in front of PB watering her plants)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Hi Finn!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: I-I need you to come with me

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Why? I’m watering right now.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn smack the water can out he hand)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Just come on, we don’t have much time

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(They enter an open spot in the woods with a pot of boiling water in the middle)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: What is this Finn?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: We’re going to have a spaghetti dinner

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Oh really? Where are we going to sit?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn goes off yelling and chops down a tree)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Uh Finn?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn then chops up the tree even more to creates seats for both of them)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Put your butt here! Hurry!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Oh.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn pulls a fancy table cloth from his back pack along with silverware, dishes, and a candle and places it all on the tree)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(He then turns to a little Lady Bug with a violin)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Hey Simon, make it romantic

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn then goes to the boiling pot of water and pulls the spaghetti out)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Oww. Here shove this in your mouth, it’s hot.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(He drops the spaghetti on the table)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Finn, I don’t understand…

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Please Princess just stick it in your mouth.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Well, Okay

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Fills her mouth with a big spoonful of spaghetti)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB (Muffled): Your lucky I like spaghetti.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Um, Princess, do you like me?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Finn, of course I like you

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Really?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Yea

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Yes!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Now give me some of your hair!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Oh Finn, that’s sweet, sure I’ll give you some of my hair.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Tears of her hair)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: Here, take it you cutie

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn jumps on the table knocking everything off)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Thank you Princess Bubblegum!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">PB: My spaghetti!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Scene is back to the Tree Witch sitting on Jake)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: My cat had kittens. I’m thinking about naming one of them little whiner. What do you think? Do you think that’s a good name?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn appears holding PB’s hair)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Totally did it. Genuine Princess Hair, hear that Jake?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake (Quiet and muffled): Just give it to her already

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: all right lady, a deal is a deal.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn hands her the hair and she gasps in excitement)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: This isn’t hair! It’s bubblegum!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: What?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn takes the hair back and licks it)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: It is bubblegum!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Well I guess you failed, say goodbye to your dog.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(She clutches her fist and starts pulling the remaining Jake into her bottom)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Noooo!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"> Finn: Wait!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: What?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: If I learned anything today it’s that I’m awesome at talking to ladies. And you lady are crazy ugly!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(The Tree Witch does an almost silent gasp)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Duuuude!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Having beautiful hair isn’t going to get you anywhere. Because your ugly inside and out. So ugly I want to throw up.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: Duuude!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: No one will ever find you beautiful, EVEEEER. And it got nothin’ to do with the old chrome dome, it has to do with what’s in here. (Points to his heart)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Can you get off my friend now?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jake cries)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: He’s right,

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: what?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: well don’t get me wrong I now I’m ugly, and evil

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(She stands up letting Jake free)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: But I thought if I had some beautiful hair I could learn how to love myself

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Tree Witch starts to cry)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Geez, I feel kind of bad

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Jake: I don’t

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Hey witch, does it have to be Princess Hair?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: No just beautiful hair

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Well then check this out!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Finn removes his hat revealing an enormous amount of beautiful golden hair that seems to be flowing in the wind)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Tree Witch and Jake both gasp)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: You really give me your hair?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Sure

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(A second passes on screen and Finn appears with no hair at all)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: So, how do I look?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Totally Beautiful

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(He puts his hat back on)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn: Inside and out

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Thank you Finn. Now to use my hair for evil.

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Finn (Voice breaking): What?!

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Cause I’m evil (Evilly laughs) What did you want from me?

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(She starts to run away but trips on her new hair)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">Tree Witch: Oh, oh, I think I fractured a branch

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">(Jake and Finn both laugh until the screen fades out)

<p style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">

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