His Hero/Transcript

(The episode begins with Finn, Jake, and the Swamp Giant falling from a great height. They are both gripping onto the giant.)

Swamp Giant: AAAAH!

Finn: Last chance, Swamp Giant! Tell us where you hid the Mini Queen!

Swamp Giant: NEVER!!

(The three scream as they fall. Squeaking is heard.)

Finn: Huh? (He finds the Mini Queen.) Hi, Mini Queen! Jake! I've got 'er!

Jake: Then hold my hand, dude! (Finn does so.) Whoooop!

''(Jake inflates, making himself and Finn reach terminal velocity sooner and float gently to the ground.

Swamp Giant: Aaaah! Oof!

(The swamp giant hits the ground. Finn and Jake land on the flattened giant. Jake lets his air out and deflates.)

Finn: My inflatable angel.

Jake: Heh heh heh. (They jump off the giant.) How's the Mini Queen?

Finn: I dunno. Can't understand a word she says. (The Mini Queen promptly writes a message on Finn's hand that says, "THANK YOU 4 SAVING ME, XOXO CALL ME." The Mini Queen shapes her antennae to look like a heart.) Aww! My pleasure, ma'am! I just like beating up evil! (Finn performs a "handshake" with one of her antennae. She squeaks.) Okay... Didn't... catch any of that either.

(The Mini Queen jumps on Jake's nose and then leaps away.)

Jake: (Sniffs) Mini Queen must've stepped in somethin' funky. (Sniffs) No... It's not tiny feet I'm smelling! This way! (He sniffs the ground and follows a scent. The scent leads him to a sword.) Whoa!

Finn: What?

Jake: (In awe) Do you know whose sword this is?! This is the sword of Billy!

Finn: Billy?!

Finn and Jake: (Singing) BIIILLYYYYYY!!!

(Flashback)

Young Billy: Nothung!

(The sword comes to Billy and sparks lightning dramatically. The musical sequence begins.)

(Back in the present)

Finn: Oh, yeah! That was the most mathematical thing ever!

Jake: Oh, yeah! Hahaha! He fought a bear!

Finn: This is so cool!

(He attempts to pull out the sword. The ground cracks and makes a hole in the side of the mountain appear.)

Finn and Jake: Whoa!

Finn: It's Billy's legendary crack!

(They go inside. They gasp as they are treated with Billy's presence.)

Billy: (Sighs) Hello.

Finn: (Whispering to Jake) It's him! It's him!!

Jake: (Whispering) I know, I know! Be cool!!

Billy: Yep. It's me.

Finn: Man! I'm such a huge nerd for you! Please take us on as hero apprentices!

Billy: What for?

Finn: So that we could learn to kick evil's butt... just like you!

Jake: I wanna be the dog version of you!

Billy: Ahh, that'd be a waste of time.

Jake: Heh. Yeah. I-I'm a little paunchy... but I could do some sit-ups!

Billy: No, I was talking about beating up monsters. It's as pointless as a dog chasing his own tail.

Jake: Heh. See, that's where you're wrong... 'cuz watch! (He tries to catch his tail, of course to no avail.) Ah... ah...

Finn: What do you mean, "pointless?" We just saved the Mini Queen from a monster!

Billy: You know where she is right now? She's probably being eaten by a different monster. She's probably dead. (Finn gasps.) In my youth, I was much like you. Motivated. Headstrong. Wore a silly, little outfit. Even had a magic dog.

(Billy points to his skeleton of a dog.)

Jake: (Scared, yet smiling) Heh... I'm gonna pass out... (Falls backward)

Billy: All my life, I've beaten on evil creatures. (Deep sigh) But new evil keeps popping up. Kicking their butts was a hopeless effort!

Jake: What other way is there?

Billy: Nonviolently. Help people by being active in your community.

Finn: Nonviolently?? (Sighs) I gotta try being nonviolent... the Billy way...

Jake: Me, too!

Finn: Billy, I won't let you down!

Jake: I love you, Billy! I got a secret crush on you, Billy!

(They run away screaming. Billy sighs wearily. The scene shifts to the Grass Lands. Finn is riding on Jake.)

Finn: This is gonna be tough, Jake. I'll have to suppress my every warrior instinct.

Jake: Relax. It'll be easy not to beat up on monsters and still help people.

Cobbler: Help! Help! (Finn and Jake notice his cries.) A monster! (The cobbler runs into Jake's leg. Jake retracts.) Oh! Thank goodness! Heroes! I'm being chased by a horrible dragon! Please, please help!

Finn: Oh, uh...

Jake: Oh...

Cobbler: Act quickly! He's almost upon us!

Jake: (Straightforward) Sorry. We don't beat stuff up anymore.

Cobbler: No, but please! (Stammers frantically)

Finn: (To Jake) Dude. We gotta do something to help him.

Jake: I could teach 'im how to not be such a spaz.

Finn: (To cobbler) Hey, Mister. Besides being chased by a monster, what else is wrong?

Cobbler: Well... I've been running all day. I guess I'm pretty hungry.

Jake: Say no more. (Walking away, pulling Finn with him) Come on, Finn.

Cobbler: Where're you going?!

Jake: To make you somethin' to eat!

(They leave. The dragon arrives.)

Cobbler: AAAH!! NO!! HELP!!

(The dragon attacks him by breathing fire. The scene transitions to a town where Finn and Jake are running a food stand.)

Finn: I still feel weird about not fighting off that dragon.

Jake: Trust me. This is a way better way to help 'im. (Yelling out) Gruel! Get your free gruel!

Lady: (Walking up to stand) What's this all about?

Finn: Free gruel, ma'am. I can't beat monster guts, but I can beat your hungry guts. That's for sure!

Lady: Hahaha! (Eats gruel) I didn't throw up! This gruel is very adequate.

Finn: (Victoriously) YEAH!!!

(Cut to the other townspeople eating Finn and Jake's gruel.)

Finn: This is great, Jake!

Jake: Yeah, we're really helpin' people!

Finn: Whoa! Look who it is!

(The cobbler walks up to Finn and Jake. There are scorch marks on him.)

Jake: Dude! You're alive!

Cobbler: (Angrily) No thanks to you two!! That dragon chased me for two days!! ...And then I was lost for... uh, three days... and then I... I fell under a spell of a beautiful enchantress for... (Unsure) a week? So that's two, plus three, plus a week—

(Jake shushes him.)

Jake: (Deliberate) Dude. Gruel.

Cobbler: Oh, thank you! (Eats it) Hahahaha! Hahaha. (His hand suddenly becomes encased in stone.) AAAH! WHAT'S HAPPENING?!

Finn: Huh? (Holds up glass with potion in it) Oh, that's probably the stone skin potion I added to the recipe. It gives your body the power to grow armor.

Cobbler: Wha? Ah... uh?!

(More of his body becomes encased in stone. The cobbler strikes himself with a fork, and it has no effect. The cobbler panics.)

Jake: Dude... how much of that potion did you use?

(Finn holds up five more empty potion bottles. The townspeople have grown armor as well. One of the townspeople's belly button starts shooting flames.)

Townsperson: AAAAH!! MY TUMMY IS BREATHING FIRE!!!

Finn: (To Jake) Geez... I thought people would like that.

Cobbler: Why?! Why would anyone want that?!

Finn: So you can defend against evil monsters!

Cobbler: You're supposed to beat up monsters so we don't have to defend ourselves!

Finn: No, see? I'm helping you nonviolently!

Cobbler: Helping?! I can't even move my hands! I'm a cobbler! How'm I supposed to cobble with these useless chunk mitts?!

Finn: Sooo... the village needs the help of a new cobbler, eh?

Finn and Jake: (Thinking) Hmmmmmm...

Cobbler: WHAT?! NO—

(Cut to the shoe-repair shop.)

Finn: Alright! We're cobblers!

Cobbler: No, you're not!! You're just watching my shop while I go to the dermatologist! (Leaving) And don't try to cobble anything!

Jake: (To Finn) What does "cobble" mean, anyway?

Finn: I think it has something to do with shoes...

Fine Lady: (Entering shop) Excuse me! Can you help me? I need a broken heel fixed. I'm going to a fancy funeral.

Finn: (Taking shoe and heel) Of course I'll help!

(Scene transition. Finn is hammering in the heel.)

Finn: There! (Rolling over to lady) Whah! (He puts the shoe on her foot.) Pa-kow!!

Fine Lady: Ah!

(She seems content with the repair. Suddenly, a blade comes out of the shoe. The lady makes a small gasp.)

Finn: Now you can fight off evil if it shows up at the funeral!

Jake: (To Finn) (Did) You fix that shoe with a magic nail?

Finn: Maybe... (The shoe arms axes, an extra blade, and a lasso.) Whoa!

Jake: Cool!

Fine Lady: I cannot go to the funeral in these!

Cobbler: (Entering shop) Hey, everyone! I'm back from the doctor! (The lady's shoe lace lasso's the cobbler.) WHY?! (The lace forces the cobbler to the ground.)

Fine Lady: (To Finn and Jake) ...And I'm not supposed to bring a guest.

Cobbler: (To Finn and Jake) GET OUT!!

(Cut to outside the shop.)

Finn: Apparently, I suck at being nonviolent.

Jake: Dude, suckin' at somethin' is the first step towards bein' sorta good at somethin'. You and I are like little baby Billys right now, and we're "sucking" on our first bottle of nonviolent milk!

Finn: (Frustrated sigh) Totes. I'll stop "pooping" my diaper.

Jake: Whoa, what?!\

Townsperson with fire-spitting belly button: HELP! I NEED MEDICAL HELP!!

Finn: Medical help? Hmmmmm...

(The scene shifts to the hospital.)

Finn: How can we help?

Lumpy Space Princess: I want surgery to make my body hot.

Finn: Yikes...

Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah. I know I'm already pretty smokin'... but I bought this swimsuit, so I need a swimsuit body.

Jake: (Whistles) (To Finn) You up for some serious plastic surgery?

(The Adventure Time logo swirls onto the screen.)

(Lumpy Space Princess comes out of the hospital with a new body, complete with legs.)

Lumpy Space Princess: Aw, yeah! This body's hot! And powerful! (Suddenly, machine parts form on her body like a cyborg.) Huh?! Aw, what?! (Her legs turns into a wheel. She makes pained noises.)

Jake: Dude, did you use a magic nail again?

Finn: I've got three left!

Lumpy Space Princess: Ohhhh... (She gains a robotic eye.) What did you do to me??

Finn: We transformed you into a cyborg fighter! That's hot, right?

Lumpy Space Princess: No one thinks this look is hot!!

(The cobbler suddenly walks up.)

Cobbler: (To Lumpy Space Princess) Oh, my laces! You're the most beautiful— (He suddenly gets shot with a laser from her robotic eye.)

Lumpy Space Princess: Huh?!

(Her wheel activates, and she speeds into the cobbler. The townsperson with the flame-shooting belly button runs by again screaming.)

Finn: ...Jake...?

Jake: ....Yeah...?

Finn: I think us being nonviolent... is hurting people. Man... Billy is gonna be so bummed out...

Jake: Not if we run away, Finn! We'll have to live in halfway homes and be cannibals! We'll survive!

Finn: I just wanna sit here and moan.

Jake: Then I'll moan with ya, buddy.

Finn: (Moaning) Thaaaanks, buuuddy...

Jake: (Moaning) Yoooouuu'rrre weeeelcooome...

(Finn and Jake notice more cries for help.)

Old Lady: AAAH! AAAH! HELP ME!!

Swamp Giant: Hahaha! Relax! I'm just gonna grind you up!!

Old Lady: AAAH! AAAH!

Jake: (To Finn) Aw, man, this grass-bag again?? (Heroically) HEY, EVIL-DOER! (Weakly) Um... could you keep your evil-doing quiet? Finn is dealing with some heavy stuff over here.

Swamp Giant: That's not evil!! When they get this old, they wanna be ground up!! Hahaha! Right, you old bat?!

Old Lady: Help!!

(Finn sweats.)

Swamp Giant: Right?!?

(Finn strains, visibly in conflict.)

Old Lady: Oooh!! Aaah!!

Finn: Huh?? A fist raised in righteous anger?! Oh, no! It's my fist!! I've gotta think of a way to save this old lady without punchin' this guy in the face!! Hmmm...

Swamp Giant: (To Old Lady) Yeah, you wanna get ground up, right?!?

Finn: (Furiously) WRONG!!!! (He punches and uppercuts the Swamp Giant, saving the Old Lady.) (Quietly, to Jake) I couldn't think of anything...

Old Lady: Whooo! (Falls in Finn's and Jake's arms)

Finn: POOP!! I saved her with violence...

Old Lady: What's your huff, son?

Finn: The greatest hero in the world told me to help people without being violent... and I promised I would do that and not let him down... but I did let 'im down.

Old Lady: Stuff and nonsense! You sure helped this old gal out! And you did it with violence! Like a true hero, you were born to punch evil creatures! (Punches Finn) Just like I was born to be an old lady! Don't deny your rowdy nature, paladins! (Starts dancing) And don't take advice from old people! (Continues dancing)

Finn: Yeah... Yeah...! YEAH!! That old lady has a point!

Jake: Wait, didn't she say not to take advice from old peo—

Finn: It's all so clear to me! Back to the cave of Billy!!

Jake: Cha!!

(Scene transition to Billy's cave.)

Finn: It's us again.

Jake: And we've got exciting news!

Billy: Aw, I don't—I don't wanna buy anything.

Finn: Billy, an old lady told me that I shouldn't listen to you because you're old. Also, that I should do what I was born to do... which is kickin' buns.

Billy: Don't you see how pointless it is? You know what's probably happening to that old lady right now? She's probably dead!

Jake: She's right here. (Turns around, revealing her)

Old Lady: Hello!

(Billy gasps.)

Finn: We saved 'er, Billy.

Jake: You saved 'er.

Finn: I saved 'er, Billy. I saved 'er using violence. And that's not a bad thing, Billy! This old lady is alive because of these! (Holds up fists and leg) And look how happy she is, man! She's elated!

Billy: Hmm. Perhaps you're right. (Pained groan) It's... it's as if your words are filling a void in my very being... You wanna watch? (He reveals a literal void in his stomach. Finn and Jake gasp. The hole starts filling up with body mass.) Nothung! (The sword comes back once again.) Finn and Jake... truly, you are my heroes. (They laugh excitedly.) Now you're freakin' me out... (Finn, Jake, and the old lady climb on Billy enthusiastically. Finn and Jake are taken off.)

Jake: We're his heroes!!

(Billy looks at the old lady.)

Billy: Huh... Hello.

Jake: Ha! Haha! I love you, Billy!!

Billy: Get outta here!!

(Finn and Jake run out quickly, laughing heartily. As Finn and Jake happily wander off, Billy nods contentedly. The episode comes to a close.)