Trouble in Lumpy Space/Transcript

(The episode begins at Princess Bubblegum's Mallow Tea Ceremony. She, Finn, Jake, Lumpy Space Princess, and Hot Dog Princess are there.)

Finn: (Bouncing) Whoop! Huh?

Jake: (Bouncing) Whoop!

Lumpy Space Princess: (Simply floating) Whoopiiieee...

Princess Bubblegum: Cheers, Lumpy Space Princess.

(Everyone cheers.)

Jake: Bouncing!

Finn: Princess, this tea party sucks in a big way! But thanks for the invite!

Princess Bubblegum: Oh, don't worry, Finn. The Mallow Tea Ceremony takes years to master.

Finn: Princess! I think I just now mastered it! (Tea splashes in his face.) One more bounce. (Bounces down) Alright! (Hits the ground) Unh! Tea partying's hard, huh, Jake?

Jake: (Hits the ground) Oof! Yes!

Lumpy Space Princess: What?! No way! It's super easy!

Finn: Lumpy Space Princess, you big faker! You're floating, not bouncing!

Lumpy Space Princess: Fine. I'll prove it. (She stops floating) Huh? Ah! Oh, no! (Bounces down) Oh, snap! (She lands with her teeth on Jake's leg.)

Jake: AAAAAGH!

Lumpy Space Princess: (Muffled) Oh. Sorry I bit your leg.

Jake: You're still biting me!!

Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, my gosh. Oh, right. Sorry.

Finn: Dude! Your leg!

Jake: This is... new. 'S nothin' ominous, though. Just a bump.

Lumpy Space Princess: Nah, that's no bump. It's the early stage of the lumps.

Finn: Is it serious?

Lumpy Space Princess: It just means he's turning into a Lumpy Space guy, on account of my bite. It's just like, um, y'know... werewolf rules? (Immitating a werewolf) Ar, rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr!

Finn: Oh, no!

Jake: What? You think I'm gonna turn all lumpy like her? Get outta here. (Arm suddenly lumps up) Wha? Finn, I think I'm freakin' out!

Finn: Calm down, bud! I'll... I'll sock the lumpiness outta ya!

(Teacup falls on the ground and shatters.)

Princess Bubblegum: Hey, now! (Bouncing down) Royal intervention! Surely there must be an antidote to the lumps.

Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah. There's an antidote, but you have to go all the way to Lumpy Space to get it. And Jake has to use it by sunset.

Princess Bubblegum: What happens if he doesn't take the antidote by sunset?

Lumpy Space Princess: He'll be lumpy, like, forever.

Finn: LSP, please! Can you tell us how to reach Lumpy Space?

Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah, there's a portal nearby. I can show you whenever.

Finn and Jake: (Exiting with Lumpy Space Princess) Take us now! Take us now!

Princess Bubblegum: (Intestines making noise) I should not have drunk that much tea! (Runs off)

Lumpy Space Princess: Don't go telling anyone about this portal or whatever. It's kind of a secret.

(Finn and Jake look around.)

Finn: Where is it?

Lumpy Space Princess: Portal's that Frog and mushroom.

(Frog jumps on mushroom with a ribbit.)

Frog: Password, please.

Lumpy Space Princess: Whatevers2009!!!

Frog: Good day, Princess. Is your father okay with you entering Lumpy Space with two... non-Lumpers?

Finn: (To LSP) Just say yes! Yes, yes, yes!

Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah, whatever, fine.

(The frog extends its tongue to the three and sucks them into his mouth, transporting them to Lumpy Space.)

Finn: AAAAH!! Whoa... Lumpy Space. So, where's the antidote?

Lumpy Space Princess: Hold it. First, you should check out my house. It's, like, kinda lame, but way less lame than, like, your house.

Jake: Uh, could you skip to the part where you tell us where the antidote is?

Lumpy Space Princess: It's up there at Makeout Point.

Finn: That's so close! We can run there in no... ''(Camera pans up, revealing that Makeout Point is across an abyss.) ...time. Aww, what?!! It's, like, a million-mile fall into space!

Lumpy Space Princess: Yeah. You have to travel by car in my world, or else you'll fall into the Lumpy Abyss.

Lumpy Space King: Daughter!! Have you brought smooth people into our domain?!

Lumpy Space Princess: I had to, dad... I'm trying to help them, so don't LUMPING YELL AT MEH!

Lumpy Space Queen: WHAT DID YOU SAY?! What did you just say?!?

Lumpy Space Princess: I SAID, "LUMP OFF," MOM!!! (Yells gibberish angrily, then pants heavily)

Finn: Uh...

Lumpy Space Princess: (To Finn) WHAT?!?!

Finn: Vroom vroom??

Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, yeah. (To parents) I need to borrow the car.

Lumpy Space King: You have made your mother cry for the LAST time, daughter! You are hereby banned from using the royal car!! (Slams door)

Lumpy Space Princess: Shucks! I lumping hate them! I'm really really sorry, Finn. But I can't help you because my parents are horrible idiots.

Finn: Don't you know anyone else with a car?

Lumpy Space Princess: My friend Melissa has a car. But she's dating my ex-boyfriend Brad.

Finn: (Frustrated) CALL HER... NOW.

Lumpy Space Princess: Hmm. (Pulls out cellphone) (Commanding cellphone) Call BFF 66.

(Elsewhere, Melissa's phone rings.)

Melissa: (Answering) Hello?

Lumpy Space Princess: Hey, Melissa. What's up?

Finn: What's she saying?

Lumpy Space Princess: (Whispering to Finn) I'm asking her, jeez! Melissa, just listen!

Melissa: Have you forgotten we're dating—?

Lumpy Space Princess: Melissa. I'm trying to help out some friends.

Melissa: Tonight is the weekly Promcoming Dance!

Lumpy Space Princess: (In realization) Oh, Glob. I forgot.

Finn: What'd she say?

Lumpy Space Princess: Tonight is the weekly Promcoming Dance! (To Melissa, in excitement) IT'S GONNA BE SO FLIPPIN' AWESOME!

Finn: (Exasperated) LSP, we don't have time for this. Ask for the ride, LSP.

Lumpy Space Princess: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh—(Finn takes the cellphone) Huh?!

Finn: (To Melissa, immitating Lumpy Space Princess) Melissa, (Lumpy Space Princess failingly tries to retrieve her phone.) you should totally drive us to Makeout Point to make out with hot boys!

Melissa: LSP, you're so baaaaad... Be there in a sec!

Finn: Biyah. (Hangs up) (Normal voice) Sorry. But Jake's lumpiness is worsening!

Jake: Actually, I think I'm beating it back with sheer willpower! (Part of his head bulges up.) (Flatly) Oh, my.