The Real You/Transcript

(The episode begins with Finn and Jake walking through the Cotton Candy Forest carrying something. Finn whistles happily. Jake attempts to whistle, but no pitch comes out.)

Finn: Careful! You'll wreck my gift for Princess Bubblegum.

Jake: Whoops. Hey, what's it supposed to be, anyway?

Finn: It's... a scale model of the Candy Kingdom, made out of my saliva! (Salivates)

Jake: ...Sooo this means you wanna give 'er your spit, huh?

Finn: Yup! (Realizing what he said) HEY, NO—

Jake: It's okay, dude. I totally get it. Haw haw haw.

Finn: I just wanted to give 'er somethin', uh... to celebrate her science... thing.

Jake: You mean her... Super Science Barbecue?!

Finn: You think it's science-y enough for 'er?

Jake: Relax. She'll love it! (To himself) And then she'll love you. Heh heh heh...

Finn: Wha?!

Jake: Hey, there's Bubblegum! (Princess Bubblegum dumps charcoal on a grill.) Hide it behind your back, man! (Princess Bubblegum feeds Flambo a piece of charcoal.) Princess!

Princess Bubblegum: Oh. Hi, guys! Just gettin' the grill cookin' for tonight's BBQ!

Finn: Oh!

Princess Bubblegum: What's that you got behind your back there, Finny?

Finn: Oh, I... I made you somethin'.

Princess Bubblegum: Really? Can I scope it?

Finn: Yes. Close your eyes.

Princess Bubblegum: (Doing so) A'ight.

Finn: (Holding gift in front of her face) Get ready to open your eyes!

Princess Bubblegum: Achoo! (She sneezes and pops all of the model's spit bubbles, destroying it.) Can I open my eyes?

Finn: (Distressed noise) No, wait, uh, keep 'em closed for, like, three more hours!! (He salivates on the tray, attempting to make another model.)

Princess Bubblegum: I'm gonna open my eyes. (She does so then gasps.) Oh, Finn! It's pink! I love pink! Oh, thanks, Finn!

(Finn makes a blushing smile.)

Chet: (Running up) Princess! Princess!

Peppermint Butler: (Walking up) Better not say nothing, you!

Princess Bubblegum: Yes, Chet?

Chet: Um... So, I called grill-meister for the BBQ, but Pepper won't give up the spatula!

Peppermint Butler: Fine, fine. You can have it... (Running away) ...when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!!

Chet: (Chasing after him) NOOOO!!

Princess Bubblegum: Hey... If you two aren't watching the grill, then who's watching the.... (Noticing the grill is on fire) ...GRILL?!?!

(Finn gasps and jumps in. He knocks the flaming charcoal out of the grill and notices a pile of steaks.)

Finn: MEAT!! WAH!! ''(He knocks some steaks onto the fire then stabs a bunch of them so that they cling to his sword.) DIE, YOU FIRE!!! (He puts out the fire by piling the steaks on it.)

Princess Bubblegum: (Walking up to him) Finn! That was awesome.

Finn: Oh. Heh... Thanks, Princess. I'm always happy to help.

Princess Bubblegum: I see. Your heroic brain is fascinating in a scientific way. Many scientific minds are going to be speaking at my barbeque. You should talk about something, too. You'll do that for me, right?

Finn: (Mesmerized) Anything you want...

Princess Bubblegum: Thanks, Finn! (She notices that Chet and Peppermint Butler are still fighting over the spatula.) Listen, I have to deal with this. (Walking away) See you tonight?

Finn: (Blushing) Uh... Yeah! (He takes a reality check and starts breathing hard.)

Jake: (Now a paper bag) Buddy, just breathe into me.

Finn: Ah?

Jake: (Turns back to normal) You're just gonna give a speech to a buncha' brainiacs.

Finn: I can't hang with those guys. I'm full of stupid.

Jake: Then we'll just borrow some brains by goin' to the place where knowledge liiives!

Finn: Oh, Brain Town!

Jake: Uh, no, the library.

Finn: (Mysteriously) The Library of the Undead...

Jake: No... Just the regular library.

(Finn looks unimpressed. The scene switches to the library. Finn and Jake are reading. Jake stares at his book, then at Finn, then back at his book.)

Jake: Hey, Finn, let's split. This turned out to be boring.

Finn: But I have to cram this info!

Jake: Okay, okay... I'll just keep readin' this book about figs.

Finn: And I'll just read this book about pigs.

(Finn blinks twice. Jake blinks. Finn blinks again. Finn notices that their blinks make sounds. Jake blinks twice. Finn smiles as he blinks rhythmically.)

Jake: Haha! Whatcha doin'?!

Finn: I'm bored now, too!

(They start goofing off and making noise.)

Turtle Princess: (Whispering) Shh! Hey! That's completely inappropriate! (She shoves them out.)

Finn: But... w-w-we were just enthusiastic about learning!

(Scene transition. Finn and Jake are walking elsewhere.)

Finn: Hmm... So, if I can't book-learn for beans, we'll just get some smarty to explain scientific junk to me!

Jake: Yeah, then you can at least sound smart... but where're you gonna find someone like that?

(They arrive at a big, hollow apple near Tree Trunks' house.)

Finn: Jake... we're goin' to college.

(Finn looks inside the apple. A professor worm is teaching student worms.)

Professor worm: And the great question endures... Who would win in a fight between Nietzsche's Übermensch... and Mandroid? The answer is... (Angry) WEREWOLF QUEEN! IT'S ALWAYS WEREWOLF QUEEN!

Finn: (Whispering to Jake) Rad!

(Finn takes a marker out of his pack and draws a face on his finger. Jake also has a face drawn on his finger.)

Jake: Heh heh heh heh heh.

Finn: Jake. You can just shrink yourself down.

Jake: Oh, yeah.

(Jake shrinks, but leaves his hand the same size.)

Professor worm: And when I finally meet the Werewolf Queen, she will take me on as her royal consort and we will rule in blood!

(Putting his hand in the apple, Finn is talking "through" his finger, pretending to be a worm.)

Finn: Hey, teach. Can you talk more about scientific... uh... stuff and things?

Professor worm: Well... sure, I could... (Irritated; raising voice) if this wasn't a class on THEORETICAL FIGHTONOMICS!

Finn: (Awkwardly) Ohhh...

Professor worm: Are you even in this class, Mister....

Finn: Uh... Wormy... uh, Wormy McSquirmy!

Professor worm: (Skeptical) McSquirmy, huh? Well we'll just see about that, I— (Pleasantly surprised) Oh! There you are. W. McSquirmy. I'm sorry. Yes, you're registered and you haven't shown up for a single class!

(The worms all gasp.)

Worm: Truancy hurts us all, McSquirmy!

(Finn gets a spitball and a paper airplane hurled at his finger.)

Finn: Hey! Ow! Please! Where's your compassion?!

Professor worm: Let's kill 'im!!

(The worms attack.)

Worms: ASSAIL!!

(Finn gasps.)

Worm with glasses: Excelsior! (He gets jabbed by Finn.)

(Finn and Jake proceed to fight the worms. The worms all bite Finn's hand and Finn yells in pain.)

Finn: Jake, let's get outta here! (The professor worm strikes Finn's finger with a book.) OW! (He takes his hand out.)

Professor worm: (Peeking out of apple) And stay out of Academia! (Goes back into apple)

Finn: (Walking away with Jake following) Well... that's it. I'm all outta ideas on how to learn this junk.

Jake: OH! Let's just solve this thing with magic!

Finn: No... That's the easy way out.

Jake: (Not seeing anything wrong) Yeah. It's the easy way out!

Finn: (In realization) Oh! Oh, yeah! Let's go visit Choose Goose and his magical shack!

(Scene transition to Choose Goose's magic hut.)

Choose Goose: Magic, you say?! (Chuckles)

Finn: Yeah, Choose Goose! I need magic! Some kind of mind-enhancing magic.

Choose Goose: Ah, yes, the quest you are on, requires (Revealing them) the Glasses of Nerdicon!

(Finn and Jake gasp in awe.)

Finn: So... I just put those on, and then I'd be able to give that lecture... and Princess Bubblegum will totally dig it. Yeah! Whadaya want for it, CG?

Choose Goose: Lately, I've been feeling drained. I only wish to be entertained.

Finn: (Thinking) Hmm... Oh! (He starts scatting and wiggling his finger. Choose Goose laughs.)

Choose Goose: Well done! The glasses, you have won! (Laughs)

(Finn makes a big gasp. The camera zooms in quickly on Finn's skin until his individual skin cells are visible. Soon, his molecules and then atoms are viewed. The zoom transitions into outer space where galaxies are visible. The camera zooms in on the milky way, then the solar system, then Earth, then Ooo, then back to Finn, who completes his gasp.)

Finn: (Grabbing onto Jake) Everything small is just a small version of something big!! I understand everything!!

Jake: Whoa, bud, are you okay?

Finn: Oh, Jake... I'm better than okay. I know exactly how to impress the princess.

Jake: More spit bubbles?

Finn: No. No. Those spit bubbles were as fragile as my old perception of reality. But wait! Maybe you're on to something! I could show the princess bubbles the likes of which no one has ever seen!!

Jake: And how will you do that?

Finn: I'll start with a solid bulleted list!

(Two bullet points appear. The Adventure Time logo spins onto the screen and lands next to the bullet points. The scene shifts to the Science Barbecue where the participants are applauding.)

Princess Bubblegum: (To audience) Thanks again to Dr. Dextrose for sharing your fascinating research on the future of cuteness.

Finn: Yes, yes, how charming. What... quaint notions.

''(Dr. Dextrose grumbles angrily about Finn as he walks offstage. ("Impudent..."))

Princess Bubblegum: And now for a special guest lecture by one of Ooo's greatest heroes... Finn the Human!

(Finn and Jake take the stage. Jake pushes a cart with a tarp over it.)

Finn: Ladies and gentlemen... and princess... (Winks at Princess Bubblegum, who waves back) I'm here to talk about multi-dimensional bubbles! But I'm not just going to talk about blowing bubbles! I'm going to blow.. your... minds!

Princess Bubblegum: Hmm?

Finn: (Revealing bubble creator) This is a bubble-blower of my own design. With this, you can blow bubbles in different dimensions. (He sets the device to two dimensions and blows a bubble with no depth.) This two-dimensional bubble casts a one-dimensional shadow. (He sets the device to three dimensions and blows a normal, everyday bubble.) A three-dimensional bubble casts a two-dimensional shadow. (He sets the device to four dimensions and blows a three-dimensional shadow that appears to be a projection of a four-dimensional tesseract.) A fourth-dimensional bubble casts a three-dimensional shadow... IT IS BEYOND COMPREHENSION! (The audience is amazed.) Beyond space!! Beyond time!!

Princess Bubblegum: Finn... that would mean you've created...

Finn: Yes... A BLACK HOLE!!!

(The projection turns into a black hole. Everything starts going towards it. Jake protects everyone as Finn laughs maniacally. Jake grabs Finn and pulls him over.)

Princess Bubblegum: FINN!! DO SOMETHING!!

Finn: It's okay. I'm sure the solution is on my bulleted— (Losing it) LIST!! (The list gets sucked in.)' Don't worry. I have everything under control.

Princess Bubblegum: UNDER CONTROL?! MY GUESTS ARE TERRIFIED!!

Finn: YES!! AND THEIR BRAINS ARE RELEASING ADRENALINE! DOPAMINE! EVEN DIMETHYLETRYPTAMINE FROM THE PINEAL GLAND! This has serious educational value!! Thanatophobia and this NDE is giving us euphoric altered awareness!! Don't you see, Princess?!? WE WERE ALL BORN TO DIE!!

Princess Bubblegum: YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL US ALL?!?

Finn: NO, OF COURSE NOT! I'M TRYING TO GIVE YOU THE GREATEST CONFERENCE EVER!!!

Princess Bubblegum: Finn...! You've gone insane!

Finn: What?! No way! I'm, like, the smartest guy in Ooo, thanks to these glasses!

Princess Bubblegum: Glasses? Finn... take those off. You're not yourself!

Finn: But—

Princess Bubblegum: (Eyes watering) Please!! I need the real you!

(She takes off the glasses. The zoom from earlier is reversed, and the camera eventually comes out of Finn's pants.)

Finn: What's goin' on?! (Noticing black hole) WHOA!!!

Princess Bubblegum: You blew it, Finn! With this! [The bubble creator]

Finn: Then I'll kill it... with this! [His golden sword]

Princess Bubblegum: Be careful! (She loses her grip on the bubble creator and it comes hurling towards Finn.) Finn!! Look out!!

(Finn stabs the device, turning his sword into a fourth-dimensional object.)

Finn: Wha? Fourth-dimensional! Jake! Let me go!

Jake: Finnn!! Don't do anything stupid!!

Finn: I can't help it, man!! (Unravels himself) I'm all about stupid!! YAAAAAAH!!! (He leaps into the black hole, readying his sword for attack.)

Jake and Princess Bubblegum: FINN!!!!

(The black hole is suddenly destroyed in a grand explosion. Finn is hurled out without his sword. Jake protects everyone from the explosion while catching Finn at the same time.)

Princess Bubblegum: Finn... My Science Barbecue was a fiasco... (Cries)

''(All of the audience members suddenly cheer excitedly and enthusiastically. ("That was incredible!" "That was the greatest conference ever!") The bulleted list from earlier lands in Princess Bubblegum's hands.)''

Princess Bubblegum: What's this? (Reading list) "Make hyper bubble. Cause black hole. Become insane. PB takes off the glasses. Save the day?! Win the heart of the princess??" Finn, you knew all this would happen?!

Finn: Huh? Knew what? I wrote that list when I was insane with smartness!

(She leans in and kisses Finn on his cheek. Finn blushes and breathes heavily and nervously before fainting. The princess giggles at him as the audience continues to cheer. The episode ends.)