Ghost Princess (episode)/Transcript

(The episode starts in the woods with Finn and Jake by a campfire. Finn is roasting hot dog meat.)

Finn: Just about done.

Jake: Mm, oh boy.

Finn: How much Softy Cheesy for ya deezy? A little? A lot?

Jake: Blech! None!

Finn: But you used to love Softy Cheese!

Jake: I don't wanna talk about it.

(Camera becomes someone's point of view. The person is viewing Finn and Jake; the person rushes towards Finn. Finn feels a gust of wind and hears a noise. He spits out his food.)

Finn: What was that?

Jake: Prolly an owl (Takes a bite of his hot dog) Mm... Mm, mm... (Spits out his food) A ghost!!

(Ghost Princess is seen floating towards them.)

Finn: Dude. It's just Ghost Princess. Hey, GP. (She howls.) (Whispering to Jake) She's weird, huh? (Ghost Princess gets closer to Finn and howls again.) How's it goin'?

(She flies around and howls some more.)

Jake: Are you haunting us?

Ghost Princess: Yeeeeessss...

Jake: Oh, okay.

(She resumes howling.)

Finn: (Tactfully) Well, could ya knock it off??

Ghost Princess: Soooorrryyyy... It's just... I'm doomed to haunt this mortal plaaane...

Jake: Oh. Well, let's hear more about that, honey.

Ghost Princess: Until I discover the cause of my death, my soul can't ascend to the 50th Dead World... But as a ghost I have no memory of my mortal life... and no idea how I diiiied...

Finn: (Gasps) It's a crime case!

Jake: Whoa, step back, nephew. We don't know she was moidered!

Finn: That's right. We don't even know how she was moida'd, but I'm the hard-boiled sleuth who's gonna crack your case wiiiide open!

Ghost Princess: OH! That sounds wonderful!

(Scene transitions to Ghost Princess's home cemetery.)

Ghost Princess: This way, gentlemen!

(The three enter.)

Jake: Whoa. Your neighborhood is... uh... very peaceful.

Ghost Princess: It's the cradle of my despaaaiiir...

Jake: (Awkwardly) Right, right.

Ghost Princess: Well... here's me.

(Finn slides off Jake and goes to a grave.)

Finn: Our first clue! (Reading grave) "Female." It's a good start, but we need more. Jake, it's time to interrogate the neighbors. We'll do it good cop bad cop style. I CALL BAD COP!

Jake: Awww...

(Finn walks over to a grave.)

Finn: Yo, ghost! Yo, yo! Yo, wake up, fool! Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.

(Ghost comes out of grave)

Boilbee: What?!?!

Finn: Yo, ghost, whaddaya know about the lady berry next to you?

Boilbee: What, you mean her? (Pointing at Ghost Princess) She's been here longer than almost anybody!

Ghost Princess: He's riiight...! (Starts crying)

Boilbee: And don't think I don't see what you do, Ghost Princess.

Ghost Princess: What...?

Boilbee: Sneakin' off at night, scarin' peeps, hauntin' at all hours... 'cause you can't deal with your issues!

(Ghost Princess gasps and cries again. Boilbee chuckles. A cheese puff is thrown at him.)

Clarence: Leave her be, Boilbee.

Boilbee: Whaaat?

Clarence: A princess deserves empathy, not your sass. (Throws another cheese puff at him)

(Ghost Princess gapes in awe.)

Boilbee: Nyeee... nyeee... Butter up, Clarence!

Clarence: Some of us still want to feel, you know? The vital... (Eats another cheese puff) ...magnetism of life. (Ghost Princess stares in amazement.) The vibrating energies that connect all living and... nonliving beings.

Boilbee: Nyaaargh! I don't like your words! Arrrgh... (Sinks back in the ground)

Ghost Princess: (To Clarence) I'm Ghost Princess. Have we met before? I feel like we have.

Clarence: I don't think so, m'lady, but I am honorèd.

Finn: Whadda you know about Ghosty-pees gettin' murdle-lurdled?

Clarence: Sorry, I don't know anything. I can't imagine anyone who would harm someone as beautiful as this. (Kisses her hand)

Jake: Whoa. Smooth.

Clarence: Did you try looking yonder? (Points away) That's where the ne'er-do-well ghosts hang out.

Finn: Right... Ne'er-do-wellers. Let's do this, Jake.

Jake: (To Ghost Princess and Clarence, running off with Finn) You stay, and eat cheese puffs!

(The two ghosts throw cheese puffs into each other's mouths and laugh. Scene cuts to the ne'er-do-well ghosts' graveyard.)

Finn: Geez. Look at this place. It's all bunked up.

Jake: Yeah, no wonder this is where the ne'er-do-wells go when they deezy. I got a feelin' these ghosts are gonna be harder to shake than Boilbee.

Finn: Yeah, well get ready, 'cause this biz is gonna get ridonk.

Jake: Cool, man. Hey, can I be bad cop now?

Finn: No. Okay, let's check this guy out.

(They walk over to a grave)

Jake: What's it say?

Finn: (Reading grave) "Some donkus." WAKE UP, DONKUS! WE GOT QUESTIONS! DINGUS! TIME TO SING, YA CANARY! (Digs into the grave while grunting; opens coffin) BAM!! YAH! (Grabs body) Whatchu know about Ghost Princess, huh?! Give it up, Dungus!

Jake: Hey, man, take it easy.

Finn: (Slaps Jake's hand off) You do your job, I do mine! (To body, in a low growling voice) TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW, PUNK. Uh-oh. (Picks up broken dagger) A busted knife. Is this your knife, bro? TELL ME!!! (To Jake, whispering) Jake, good cop...

Jake: Alright. Cool off, bad cop! (Pulls Finn back) This ghost ain't home, man!

Finn: (Pants heavily) Well, you're lucky my partner's here... pal.

Jake: He's not worth it, man.

Finn: (Grunts) These ghosts think I'm playin'. They think it's all a big game. But you know what? You know what I'm gonna do?

Jake: What?

Finn: I'm gonna turn this game... UP-SIDE-DOWN!!! (His voice echoes.)