Hand!

Hand! is a scrapped episode outline for Adventure Time, which was never produced into a full episode.

Synopsis
Finn and Jake must fight a mysterious individual who freezes people with his touch.

Story
Finn and Jake work their way through the twisted aisles and crowded tables of the weekly, local Bazaar - home to exotic treats, curious treasures, and cheap, plastic crap from all seven corners of the Land of Ooo. Our gents are pretty pumped, as the button they special-ordered two months ago from the rare Button-Purveyor should finally be ready for pick-up. But when they arrive at the button-man’s stand, he’s nowhere to be found. Finn and Jake scan the marketplace, and as luck would have it, they quickly spot their guy. He’s smiling broadly and waving right at them! The button will soon be theirs! But their calls regarding the status of their button go unanswered. And rather than moving toward them, the button man appears to be walking backwards. Upon closer inspection, Finn and Jake discover that the man is sitting in a basket that’s being carried off by a mysterious, Cloaked Figure. His waving is actually a result of him being rocked back and forth in the basket, and the smile on his face is not a cheerful one, but rather afrozen, horrified grimace. Finn and Jake stealthily stay on the Cloaked Figure’s trail, eventually tracking him to an enormous hillside shack with a strange, cloth exterior. Our heroes sneak inside – everything’s covered in darkness, save for the light of a few flickering wall-mounted candles (which barely illuminate a half-dozen framed, life-like portraits of Ooo citizens). As Jake checks out the surroundings, Finn spots the Button-Man sitting on a bench on the far side of the room. He rushes to his side and tries to shake some life into him, but to no avail – he’s as stiff as a board. Finn comments that there’s something really weird going on. Jake replies, “Yeah, I think so too,” as he holds up a glowing insect-lantern to reveal…

…that the house is made entirely out of frozen people (not frozen cold, frozen stiff)! Their arms outstretched and palms locked in various positions. Some of them are serving as the mounts for the wall-mounted candles. And the portraits on the wall aren’t portraits at all – they are merely frames hung around immobilized victims. Yikes! Terrified, Jake and Finn turn to bolt, but stop in their tracks when they hear the wail of hurdy-gurdy music. A spotlight flips on, shining down on a wooden Puppet Theater that sits in front of the Button-Man. “Puppet theater?” our duo confusedly asks. Suddenly, they hear footsteps behind them. Oh no! It must be the ticket taker! And they haven’t paid for tickets to the show! Our heroes scurry off to hide. We reveal that it’s not a ticket taker, but the shadowy Cloaked Figure. As he stomps towards the Button-Man, he unknowingly passes Finn and Jake, who have cleverly camouflaged themselves among the immobilized people by climbing up the wall and striking rigid poses. The Figure stands in the darkness, and asks his captive audience member, the Button-Man, to “please enjoy this evening’s entertainment - The Tragic Story of… Me.” He then disappears behind the theater, and with the help of some fairly silly looking homemade puppets and ridiculously odd voice acting, proceeds to put on one heck of a heart-wrenching show… We learn of the Cloaked Figure’s lonely childhood. How he desperately yearned to play Pat-A-Cake, but could never find a willing partner – whenever he asked one of the village children to join him, they would just run off cruelly. Pat-A-Cake-less days and weeks and years slipped away, and he began to doubt if he would ever get a chance to partake of the sweet, clapping game. But all of that changed on the night he spotted a falling star and made a wish – that no one would again spurn his Pat-A-Cake advances, and that people would play Pat-A-Cake with him forever and ever…

Finn and Jake are mesmerized by this odd, genuinely moving puppet tale, so much so that Finn accidentally blows their cover by wondering aloud why no one would play Pat-A-Cake with the guy in the first place. A puppet creepily turns towards our heroes and answers, “Would you want to play Pat-A-Cake with a MAN who has HANDS like THESE?!” The theater splinters and explodes as the Cloaked Figure flexes and reveals his insanely ENORMOUS hands. Full-sized hand puppets fly off his fingertips and smack Finn and Jake in the face. The Big Hand Man is in an absolute frenzy! He continues his tale as he rampages after Finn and Jake, explaining that his big wish backfired (as wishes often do). Now, not only does he have the giant hands he was born with, but cursed hands too – anyone he touches is immediately frozen stiff, assuring they will have to play with him “forever and ever”. And while this wasn’t exactly what he was going for with his wish, his paralyzing palms have allowed him to amass a floor-to-ceiling collection of permanent Pat-A-Cake partners (a collection he showcases like a madman by clapping out a quick game with his stiffly-posed victims). And he’s not going to allow our heroes meddling to ruin his life-long lust for the game that is Pat-A-Cake. Mr. Big Hands finally corners Finn and Jake and moves to add them to his collection. But Jake manages to work some last second elastic magic, propelling our duo right through the brute’s prodigious digits. They dash down a hallway, Big Hands in pursuit. Finn and Jake each grab a victim’s arm from opposite walls,stretch them across the hall, and clothesline their attacker. They then dart out a doorway and slam the door (a frozen guy on hinges) in Big Hands’ face. He tries to chase after them, but can’t turn the doorknob quickly enough on account of his big, fumbling hands. He lets out a mighty, frustrated roar as our trespassers escape to sweet freedom. As Finn and Jake flee down the hillside, they decide the only way to save the immobilized innocents from spending eternity as human building blocks is to make a wish of their own. But where are they ever going to find a wish at this time of day? Finn and Jake rack their brains for wish-making options – falling stars are completely unpredictable, there’s always a super long line at the wishing well, wish-granting hobgoblin toes are out of season, and Jake, who celebrates his birthday seven times a year because of the whole dog-year thing, isn’t due a birthday wish for at least a few weeks. All hope seems lost, that is until they pass a house and spot the family inside enjoying a quaint, six-winged Yek-rut dinner (essentially a mutant turkey). Finn and Jake give each other a knowing glance and shout “Adventure Time!” The Adventure Time-sword title card flies onto the screen, promising unparalleled excitement! But there’s nothing exciting about the scene that unfolds. In a baffling and distinctly un-adventurous move, Finn and Jake decide to “crash” the meal. It’s a stunningly awkward scene, filled with lots of confused stares from the family and the occasional, painful attempt at small talk from our heroes. After a loooong night, the meal mercifully comes to an end as the family eats up the last of the Yek-rut, and Finn and Jake are finally able to get what they came for – the wishbone! Duh! Our duo uses the wishbone to wish for the power to un-freeze the frozen people (of course, they make sure to make it an extremely detailed, no gray-area wish, to avoid the Pat-A-Cake Man’s mistake).

As Finn and Jake make their way back to Mr. Big Hands' shack, they narrowly avoid a run-in with the man himself. They watch from afar as he coos sweetly to a cute little squirrel, then tenderly attempts to play Pat-A-Cake with it. Of course, this doesn't end well for the squirrel, and he stiffens right up. Mr. Big Hands lets out a cry of despair, throws the squirrel in his basket, and then stomps off angrily into the valley below in search of more victims. Our heroes seize upon his absence and rush into his house, jumping right into the business of un-freezing people with the new power of their un-freezing hands. But it's not as easy as it seems, as they have to figure out a way to strategically un-freeze and remove the people without bringing the whole house crashing down. It's like a game of human-Jenga!

The progress is slow, and it's not long before the Big Hands Man returns home to catch Finn and Jake mid-rescue. And he is not pleased - no one gets in the way of his Pat-A-Cake fun! He immediately re-freezes his victims (including the just un-frozen Button Merchant who was about to give F&J the scoop on the status of their button order), then lunges at our duo, swinging his hands wildly in a desperate attempt to freeze them. The scene erupts into high-stakes Pat-A-Cake/freeze-tag mayhem as Finn, Jake, and Mr. Big Hands showcase their immobilizing/re-mobilizing hands. People are un-frozen, re-frozen, and un-frozen again - sometimes in mid-air. The victims are tossed to and fro and used as shields and steps. Jake and Finn take turns getting frozen and un-freezing each other, all while trying to de-construct the shack. It's a board artist's worst nightmare!

Eventually, Finn and Jake gain the upper-hand, un-freezing folks quicker than their opponent can freeze them. In a blind, frustrated rage, Mr. Big Hands tries to do Finn and Jake in once and for all by squashing them with his massive palms. But their acrobatics prove too much for him, and he ends up whiffing big-time, smacking his hands into his shoulders and freezing himself stiff!

With Mr. Big Hands out of commission, Finn and Jake manage to safely de-construct the remaining walls of the people-house and re-mobilize everyone (including the cute little squirrel, which I know you were really really worried about). Hurray! Everyone is ecstatic! Jake and Finn become less so when they learn from the unfrozen Button-Man that their coveted button is on back-order. But the two stop feeling sorry for themselves when they take a look at poor, old, frozen Mr. Big Hands. What a tragic figure. Finn and Jake comment that the guy had a pretty rough run and decided it couldn't hurt to give him another chance, so they use their un-freezing hands to re-animate him. He begins sobbing immediately, lamenting the life of never-ending Pat-A-Cake that just slipped through his grotesquely enormous fingers. Finn and Jake ask the sad sap why he doesn't just wish for smaller hands. Well… he never thought of that! But where will he ever find a wish at this time of day?

SMASH CUT TO:

The dining room where Finn and Jake got the wishbone. Once again, the family is enjoying quaint, six winged, Yek-rut dinner. Finn, Jake and Mr. Big Hands quietly sit in the corner, exchanging awkward glances with the family, waiting for them to finish the meal so they can get another wishbone.

Characters

 * Finn
 * Jake
 * Mr. Big Hands
 * Victims
 * Button man
 * Squirrel
 * Dining family

Trivia

 * The outline states "It's a board artist's worst nightmare!" which is probably one of the actual reasons why the episode was scrapped.
 * The idea of Finn and Jake pretending to be a wall feature returned in "Ignition Point".