Donny (episode)/Transcript

(The episode begins with Finn and Jake in tall grass.)

Finn: Safety! (Jumping out) Patrol!

Jake: Safety! (Jumping out) Patrol! Safety patrol! Safety— Oh... Were we not wearing the uniforms?

Finn: C'mon. Let's keep lookin' for hazards. Look out!

Jake: What is it, dude?

Finn: Shushers, man! (Pointing at village) Look there!

Jake: Just looks like an ordinary little town, man.

Finn: Yeah... (Puts on binoculars) Suspiciously ordinary. Oh! Little house people! Maybe it is just regular ordinary, not sinister ordinary—oh, no, wait... Grass ogre.

Donny: Haha! (Putting chicken in mailbox) Hey, chicken, you're travelin' egg-spress! (Laughs)

Finn: It's an obnoxious grass ogre.

Donny: You get my joke, right?! Hahaha!

Barn House: Careful, you oaf! Those chickens are rentals! (Donny fires an egg at him.) Agh!

Donny: (Firing eggs) We're havin' so much fun, huh?!

Jail House: Drop that chicken!

Donny: (Stopping) Huh?

Jail House: You're under arrest! (Donny comes over and drops the chicken.) Good... Now get in your tiny cell... Oh, uh, oh!

(Donny picks up the Jail House Person and lays him down on his back. Donny laughs.)

Finn: Hey, ogre! Stop hazing these cute little houses!

Jake: Ya jerkball!

Donny: My name is Donny, idiot!

Finn: Sorry. I was just tryina' get your attention.

Donny: What kinda houses are you supposed to be? A... stupid... uh... a dumb house?! Haha! Hey, what's with your jowl?! (Flicks Jake's jowl)

Jake: Ow!

Donny: Hahaha! I'm gonna mess with these housies some more.

Finn: NEVER!!

(Finn runs up to Donny and jumps on his back, attempting to stop him.)

Donny: So you wanna wrestle, huh? 'Cause I know, like, this ninja move to get out of this lock instantly! Okay... Now, first I... (Finn squeezes Donny.) Hey! You're doin' it wrong!!

(Jake wiggles his finger and stretches one of them out.)

Finn: You're doin' it wrong!

Donny: Whaddaya mean?

Finn: First, you roll your right shoulder forward...

(Donny picks Finn up)

Donny: Like this?

Finn: Yeah, but then I counter it by doin' this! (He grabs Donny again and squeezes.)

Donny: Hey!

(Donny begins to pant heavily.)

Finn: Um... You need to take a break?

Donny: No... but if you need to, we can stop... (Finn gets off) Ya baby.

Jake: Whoa, I zoned out there for a bit. Did you win?

Finn: Nah. Just takin' five. Donny's pretty good.

Donny: Yeah, well, you're okay, too.

Finn: Thanks, man.

Donny: ...For a complete idiot!

Finn: Aww...

(Donny laughs)

Jake: Donald, quit all this jerky nonsense! (Forms giant, tree-like ears) Unless you wanna get gored by a forest prince!

Donny: I was just kiddin' around, but then you took it too far! You guys are the real jerks! (Donny mumbles, scoffs, and runs off.)

Jake: Donny is one mixed-up dude.

Finn: Nah. He's just rough-and-tumble, like me, but deep down, he's probably really sensitive, like me.

Jake: You're a mixed-up dude, too!

Finn: Hey, Donny!

Donny: What?

Finn: I was thinkin' that since you're a pretty good wrestler, maybe you'd wanna hang out with a couple a' rascals like me and Jake!

Jake: What?

Donny: Muuuh... I don't know. Messin' with these housies is pretty fun. You got somethin' better.

Jake: (To Finn) You sure this is a good idea?

Finn: (To Donny) If you come to the Tree Fort, we got video games and apple juice!

Donny: (Eager) Really?! (Pulling back, pretending to not care) I mean... if it keeps you from cryin'...

Finn: (To Jake) Donny's problem is that he's treated like an outsider, like me.

Jake: You are not an outsider. You wear cute little blue shorts!

Finn: I... am complicated.

(Scene transition; the three are at the Tree Fort.)

Donny: Uh... This fort isn't so great. Not as cool as the fort I'm gonna build. (Sitting down) I call this chair!

Finn: Hey, Donny, you should play Bug Battle.

Jake: (Putting game in BMO) And hey, can you put on some pants?!

Donny: You put on some pants!

Jake: I have pants... (Grabs transparent pants) spun from spiderwebs... by pixies.

(The game starts.)

Finn: (To Donny) Okay. There's you, and here come the bugs.

(Donny destroys the bugs in the game. Donny starts laughing. Suddenly, a spider drops from above and kills the video game character.)

Donny: Huh?!

Finn: Oh, yeah. Those guys'll get ya.

Donny: (Breaking controller) Urgh!! This game cheats! (Throws controller parts at BMO, knocking it down)

Jake: Not cool, dude.

Finn: Have more apple juice. It always makes me feel better when I— (Donny splashes the apple juice in Finn's face.) Aaah! Donny! Quit being a jerk!

Donny: What? What'd I do?

Jake: Finn, I don't think this is gonna work.

BMO: I am incapable of all emotion.... but you are making me chafed!!

Donny: Everybody's gettin' mad at me for nothin'!

Finn: You have to think about how your actions make other people feel.

Donny: Ohh. Hmm. I don't understand at all.

Jake: Ooh! Teach him that little empathy song I taught you!

Finn: Okay, yeah! (Singing) Empathy, empathy, put yourself in the place of me! (Speaking) Your turn!

Donny: Uh... Empathy, empathy, put yourself... Ohh! So it's like, when I squeeze eggs outta chickens, I should let them squeeze eggs outta me, too!

Finn: ...Um... kinda right. (Screams are heard.) Someone needs our help! Jake, you stay here and try to fix him, while I deal with an unknown possibly deadly emergency! (Runs off)

Jake: Dude, trade me jobs.

(A loud crash is heard.)

Donny: Jake! Someone broke your... um... entire living room!

(Jake slaps his hand against his face. The scene changes to the house "village" where werewolves are terrorizing the House People.)

Bank House: Quick! Act abandoned!

(He and the Girl With Glasses House do so. The wolf growls at the Dog House, and Finn punches him.)

Finn: Hands off the housing market! (The wolf attacks Finn.) BACKPACK! (Finn blocks the wolf's attack with his pack.) Werewolves. Much worse than ogres. (Runs)

Jail House: Stop in the name of the law!

(Finn grabs the Jail House and keeps running.)

Finn: Is there somewhere I can trap that thing?

Jail House: Well, there was a zoo, but he moved back east. Course, there's always the old well.

Well: I'm not old!

Finn: Perfect! (Finn leads the wolf up to the well and kicks it down.) Slam-bam-in-a-can! Huh? Another werewolf?!? What's up with this town?!

(A Siamese twin wolf bites attacks the bank house. Finn forces the wolf into the well with another House Person.

Finn: Mr. Bank! Are you alright?!

Bank House: Oh, it's fine, it's fine. All my assets are insured. Pardon. (Leaving) I have to go spackle my cracks.

Finn: (To himself) Why is this town just getting worse and worse?

Wolf: (From inside old well) Yes! Why indeed!!

Finn: (To werewolf) Hey! What are you werewolves up to?!

Wolf: We're not werewolves... (The wolf reveals a suit he's wearing.) (Calmer common voice) We're Why-wolves.

Finn: Uh... Why-wolves?

Why-wolf: Creatures possessed by the spirit of inquiry..... (Growling voice) AND... BLOODLUST!!

Finn: What?!

Why-wolf: (Normal voice) Please. Save your questions until the end of the lecture. (Demonstrating by drawing on dirt) Our ecosystem. At the bottom level are the house people. Given the opportunity, we why-wolves would easily wipe them out. However, Donny's presence is a natural deterrent. His jerkiness is so powerful that it produces a pungent gas—obnoxygen. To why-wolves, it is a deadly poison. But since you've removed the jerk Donny, we will devour the houses, and our population will rapidly swell until we are, in turn, devoured by the Cosmic Owl. Such is the course of nature, but it'll be a pretty sweet ride up until that point. (Growling voice) TONIGHT, WE FEAST ON THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENTS! (He howls. The Siamese twin why-wolf laughs maliciously.)

Finn: Oh, no! I have to get Donny back!

(Scene shifts back to the Tree Fort. Finn barges in.)

Finn: (Talking quickly) Donny, you have to go right now, and stop the why-wolves from—

(Donny is playing a cello and Jake his viola.)

Donny: (Pleasantly) Ah! Master Finn has returned!

Finn: What's it goin'?!

Donny: Thanks to you, I shall never be jerky again!

Finn: Oh, no... Oh, no. Oh, no, nonononononono! No! This is all wrong! We need jerk Donny to make the obnoxygen, and, and—

Donny: Steady on, Finn. Perhaps you are dehydrated! It's as Jake taught me: (singing) "8 ounces, 8 glasses, 8 days a week!" (Speaking) I'll fetch you some tap water.

Finn: Are you wearing jeans now?!

Donny: Surely! (Singing) Gotta get pants! Go get your pants! Button, fly! I wrote that one myself. Perdoname. (Leaves)

Finn: But, but, but—

Jake: Butt, butt, butt! Yeah, Donny! You're lookin' good in those jeans!

Finn: What did you do?!

Jake: Miraculous, isn't it? I just kept teachin' him my musical rules, and now, he's perfect.

Finn: No! We messed up, Jake! The House People are doomed if Donny doesn't go back to being town jerk!

Donny: (Clears throat) I have no intention of being a jerk again. Hmph.

Finn: But the housies will be wiped out if you don't!

Donny: It sounds tragic, but I'm turning over a new leaf! (Literally does so)

Finn: Donny, you gotta go!

Donny: Finn, "no" means, "no." I'm sure you'll respect my wishes. (Cut to Finn and Jake forcefully dragging Donny to the vilage) No! Stop! No!

Finn: Now, go be a jerk to those why-wolves!

Donny: No! I'll use my musical messages to stop them! (Finn and Jake hang their mouths open, not believing what they are hearing.) Let's see... I've got one on the ethics of laundry... Crosswalk-ery... Ooh! Here's a good one!

Finn: Man! The town is getting creamed! By not being a jerk, you're being a real jerk, Donny!!

Donny: (Singing) Comb your hair right! It's a good time! Sticky sticky pomade short back and sides! (No one responds) Why isn't anybody paying attention to my words?

Finn: (To Jake) He sure is sensitive about his songs! (Gasps) (To Donny) It's cuz they think your songs are dumb!

Donny: Wha?!

Jake: (To Finn) What're you saying?! If you don't encourage his talent, he might revert back to jerk Do— (In realization) OHHH, OHHH! (To Donny) HEY, DONNY! EVERYONE SAYS YOUR SONGS ARE SUPER BALLS!!

Finn: They all think you're a real jerk!

Donny: But... but I've changed! Why would they say that?! (Singing weakly) Empathy, empathy, put your mind insi...

(The why-wolves and House People laugh at him.)

Why-wolf: You're so pathetic! So comical!

(The Bank House laughs at him.)

Donny: (Getting angry) Rrrrr... Think I'm a jerk do they? I'm feelin'.. obnoxious!! (He rips out of his clothes in rage.) HEY, YOU WHY-WOLVES ARE COOL! JUST KIDDING! (Releasing obnoxygen) HAHAHAHA!!

Why-wolf: Obnoxygen cloud!! EGRESS!!

(The why-wolves run away howling. Donny pants heavily.)

House People: The town is saved!!

(The housies gather around Donny in celebration.)

Donny: Get offa' me, nerds!!

Finn: You did it, Donny! You're a full-blown jerk again!

Donny: What?! You're the jerk!! Housies! Ready to hear my new song?! It's about how Finn will betray you, just to save lives!

Finn: (Gravely) I'm sorry, Donny.

Donny: I'll never forgive you, Finn!! (Angrily spraying House People with eggs) WAAAAAAH!!!

Jake: (To Finn) C'mon. We can go stare wistfully at the lake.

Finn: (Tired) I'd... I'd like that. Very much.

(Donny continues pelting the housies with eggs, laughing.)

Donny: Hey! I love bein' a jerk! Thanks, Finn! Finn? (The heroes have left.) Finn, you loser! (Whispering) I'll never... forget you!

(The episode ends with the Adventure Time logo swirling onto the screen.)