Henchman/Transcript

(The episode begins in an area filled with bones where Finn and Jake are playing.)

Finn: Hahahaha! Here I go!

Jake: Yeah!

Finn: (Sliding down skeleton) Whoo-hoo!!

(Finn hits the ground, and he, Jake, and many bones are propelled into the air. Marceline watches them discreetly.)

Marceline: Hmm...

(Finn and Jake land.)

Finn: Awesome! (He and Jake laugh. Suddenly, crying is heard.) Someone needs our help!

(Finn runs to the source of the crying. Jake spits out a bone. They find Marceline talking to an old man.)

Marceline: (To her henchman) What is it about "henchman for life" that you don't understand?

Old Man Henchman: Oh, come on!

Finn: (Whispering to Jake) Dude! It's Marceline the Vampire Queen!

(Jake screams and cowers in fear.)

Old Man Henchman: Can't you find the compassion to release this poor old body?

Marceline: "Henchman for life" means, "henchman for life!!"

Finn: (Whispering to Jake) You still petrified of vampires?

(Jake's head has sunk into his body.)

Jake: (Prevaricating) No... I'm not...

Marceline: (To old man) Fall on the ground for me!

Old Man Henchman: Yes, Mistress. (He does so.)

Marceline: Now cry for me!

Old Man Henchman: Okay. I don't want to cry, but I shall cry for you. (He begins weeping.)

Finn: (Running from behind bushes) Hey! Cut that out!

Marceline: Oh! If it isn't my favorite little goodie-two-shoes Finn!

Finn: Stop making this poor old dude cry!

Marceline: I can make him do whatever I want. Watch. Henchman, amuse me.

(The old man balances himself on his cane.)

Finn: Stop it!

Marceline: Now hop around in a circle.

(The old man hops around on his cane. The tip breaks and he falls down.)

Finn: Oh, no. Don't worry, sir. I'll see to it you get set free.

Marceline: Oh, and how're ya gonna pull that off hero?

Finn: I'll do what I need to. I'll even take his place!

Jake: Dude, what?!

Marceline: Do you mean it?

Finn: Uh... well... (He looks at the old man who is groaning tiredly.) Heck yeah!

Marceline: Deal! Old henchman, you're free.

Old Man Henchman: Whoo-hoo! (Leaps off happily)

Jake: What're you doin', man?

Marceline: Hey, Jake.... BLEH!! (She makes a horrific face.)

Jake: EEH! (Grabs onto Finn)

Finn: I couldn't watch that old man suffer, Jake. My code of honor wouldn't allow it.

Marceline: (Laughs) (Mocking Finn) "Oh, my code of honor wouldn't allow it." (Cackles)

Jake: Rrrr... HEY!

Marceline: Yes, Jake? (Transforms into a werewolf creature) What would you like to talk about?!

Jake: AAAH! (Runs to Finn's side) I wanna help you outta this, man, but... she scares the filling out of my doughnut. Let's just leave.

Finn: I can't. As a hero, I'm bound by my (Taken by Marceline into the air) WOOOOORD!!

Jake: FINN! (Marceline cackles as they fly into the air.) Don't worry, dude! I'll figure something out!!

(Scene transition; Marceline and Finn are flying through the air.)

Marceline: You're lucky, Finn. Your first job as henchman is to help me feed.

Finn: (Gasps; to himself) Feed?! What does she mean? L-Like, like, oats? Like, sentient beings, or oats?! It doesn't matter! I can handle it!

(They arrive at a house that has music playing and a person singing.)

Marceline: Sounds like dinner. Finn, open the door. (Finn walks up to the door and strains himself.) OPEN IT ALREADY!

Finn: No way, Marceline! I'm not gonna open this door if innocent people will be hurt!

Marceline: Aren't you bound by your word to do as I say, hero?

Finn: I... (Sighs) Yes... (Turns and walks towards door)

(Inside, the man is still playing. The door is opened and the draft blows the candles out.)

Eberhardt: Huh?

Finn: Sorry about this.

Eberhardt: (Scared) Haah!

Marceline: Hold him down! (Finn groans. Marceline and Finn enter and close the door behind them. Jake appears and comes to the window.) Are you enjoying this, Finn?

Finn: No!

(Marceline laughs)

Jake: (To himself) Rrr... Don't you worry, Finn. I'll get you outta there. I've got a perfect plan! (Marceline laughs. She notices Jake through the window and hisses at him, turning into a lizard creature.) AAH! (Running from window) I'm not running away, Finn! This is just part of my plan!!

Eberhardt: Please, human boy! Let me go!

Finn: I'm sorry, sir. I'm bound by my code of honor to do what she says.

Eberhardt: I understand, son. I was married myself once. (A single tear drops from his right eye.)

Finn: Wait, wait! I'm not married to—

Marceline: (Frustrated) Ugh! Enough talking! Dinner is served!

Finn: No! (Pulls Eberhart away before Marceline could bite him; Marceline attacks again.) No! (Pulls him away again)

Marceline: How dare you, henchman?! I order you to let me feed!

(Marceline blasts Finn's arms with a red beam, making them curl up and become immobile. She laughs, hisses and bites Eberhardt. Eberhardt screams.)

Finn: NOOOOO

(Marceline is revealed to have only been sucking Eberhardt's crimson bow tie.)

Marceline: Mmm. That red bow tie was delicious!

Finn: (Grunts) Huh? (Arms uncurl)

Marceline: What's wrong, Finn?

Finn: I... I thought you were—

Eberhardt: Oh, my! A white tie! Thank you so much! This is so beautiful! (Passes out)

Finn: B-but...

Marceline: What? You know I eat the color red sometimes. (Winks)

Finn: Oh... Yeah... Okay...

(Scene transition; they are lying through the air again.)

Marceline: We've got plenty more evil to do! (Laughs)

Finn: (Thinking) Man... What's wrong with this girl? I can't tell if she's messin' with me, or... or what.

Marceline: Hey, Finn. You thinkin' about how that guy's bow tie sorta looked like a bra?

Finn: Huh? No!

(The two arrive at a grave yard.)

Marceline: I know this place seems a little dead, but don't worry. It'll soon be undead. (Finn whimpers.) Corpses buries in mud that's black, from death I command you to come back! (The dead bodies rise out of the ground. ("Eeehhh... What's happening? Eh...")) Hahaha! Are you ready to lead an evil army of the undead?!

Finn: Uhh, NEVER! (A skeleton grabs Finn's rear end.) Okay! I'll do it!

(Marceline laughs. Jake appears in the bushes.)

Jake: (To himself) Don't worry, dude. I'm comin' to help you. YAAAAH!! (Charges out of bushes with a stake towards Marceline)

Marceline: Huh? What's that noise?

(Marceline turns around. As she does, Jake shrinks down and retreats.)

Jake: (To himself) Sorry, Finn.

(The scene shifts to the Duchy of Nuts where Finn and Marceline are walking towards the Duke of Nuts' castle with an undead army following behind them.)

Marceline: Excited to hear the wild screams of an entire castle?

Finn: (Faking) Haha, aw, yeah, that sounds bombastic, honey! Hey, I'm gonna run up ahead and scout it out for you, sugar! (Runs hurriedly)

Marceline: Hahaha!

(Finn knocks on the door. Lisby answers.)

Lisby: Yeeees? Duke and Duchess of Nuts' residence!

Finn: My boss is gonna sack your castle!

Lisby: Oh! Well, that's certainly bad news for us!

Duke of Nuts: Lisby! Who's at the door?

Lisby: Someone who wishes to sack the nut castle!

Duke of Nuts: Why would you want to sack my nut castle on my second son's first birthday?! SEIZE HIM!

Finn: No! (The army draws closer.) Listen! You hear that?! My master is marching here with her army of the undead!

Duke of Nuts: Oh! How wonderful!

Finn: Listen to me!! (The army arrives.) EVERYBODY!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

Marceline: Hahaha! (She flies into the palace.) I wrote this next song about a fisherman. (She sings the Fisherman Song.)

Finn: Don't do this, Marceline! I beg you!

Marceline: Don't do what?

Duke of Nuts: You're late, Marceline! My son has been dying to hear your undead music!

Finn: Wha?!

Lisby: Oh, I forgot! Marceline is playing tonight!

(Marceline plays her bass. Everyone starts partying.)

Finn: Okay... So, she makes things seem bad, a-and then... or-or her personality makes them seem bad, or... (Sighs) I'm over-reacting.

Lisby: Hey!

Finn: Huh?

Lisby: Why are you thinking so hard?! Just party hard! Whoo!

Finn: Alright! Whoo-hoo! Hahahaha!

Marceline: Hey, castle-crasher!

Finn: Hey, Marceline!!

Marceline: You like cute things, right?

Finn: Uh, yeah, sure. Why?

Marceline: Then you might love this. The cutest dimple plant ever!

Finn: Whoa-ho-ho! That's cool!

Marceline: Here, eat some of its fruit. See what happens.

Finn: (He does so. Finn gains a dimple.) Hahaha! A dimple!

Marceline: Okay, henchman, now... I need you to do something.

Finn: What is it?

Marceline: I want you to take this dimple plant outside, and kill it!

Finn: What?!

Marceline: (Pulling it out) Use my axe-bass.

(Scene shifts to outside where Finn is holding the guitar and standing in front of the plant.)

Finn: I'm gonna murder you. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm sure this will end happy... (Finn lifts up the axe and hesitates. He throws down the guitar.) AAH! I don't get it! There's always a twist to the stuff Marceline makes me do, but where's the twist in bumping off this bush?!

Marceline: (Entering) There is no twist. Kill it now!

Finn: But wh—

(The plant turns into a monster.)

Marceline: You should've hacked it to pieces when it was still adorable...

Finn: I-I thought— (The monster attacks Finn, but he evades the attack. He rolls, jumps towards the dimple plant monster and cuts one of its limbs. It sprays juice which Finn accidentally catches in his mouth. It makes him gain dozens of dimples. He spits the juice out.) Sick!!

(The monster grabs Finn and eats him.)

Marceline: Oh, boy... (She simply detaches one of its limbs to kill the monster. Finn axes himself free.) Not bad... for a henchman.

Finn: (Smiling) Hmm...

(The scene shifts to the next morning. Finn and Marceline are in a strawberry patch.)

Finn: Hey. Can't the sun, like, destroy you?

Marceline: Yeah, it hurts, but I kinda like it. Reminds me of when I'd scrape my knees up as a kid, and my mom would patch me up... you know what I'm sayin'?

Finn: Uh... Jake told me I came out of a cabbage.

(They both laugh.)

Marceline: Hey, Finn, I need you to strangle some pixies.

Finn: Yeah, sure. That sounds good.

Marceline: Whoa, why are you being so casual about that? Strangling pixies is some hardcore evil.

Finn: I'm not fallin' for your junk anymore, lady! You just like sayin' poop that jacks with my brain!

Marceline: (Breaking) What are you talking about? I... (Laughs) Dang, man, I didn't think you'd ever catch on!

Finn: (Laughs) I knew it! Hey... what about your old henchman? Who was that guy?

Marceline: Oh, just an old diving buddy. (Jake emerges from the bushes.) (Jokingly) So, you ready to go strangle some pixies?

Finn: Yeah, man! I mean, wo-man.

Jake: (To himself) Oh, no! My buddy is totally under her vampire spell! (Yelling out) Die, unholy thing! (Throws garlic at her, making her drop her umbrella)

Finn: Jake?

Marceline: (The garlic hits her.) Ow! (She hisses loudly as she stares at the sun. She moans as she falls on the ground and withers.)

Finn: Marceline!

Jake: I'm stakin' that vampire and settin' you free, no matter how terrified I am!

Finn: She's alright, man!

Jake: She's still controlling your mind with evil! Now, back off and let me vanquish her from existence!

Finn: I can't let you do that, Jake!

Jake: (Sighs deeply) I love you, brother. YAAAH! (Attacks Finn, forcing him to the ground)

Finn: Jake, listen! Marceline is not how she seems! She's a radical dame who likes to play games!

Jake: What are you even talkin' about, dude?!

(Marceline crawls under the umbrella.)

Finn: Oh, man! (Kicks Jake off his person)

(As Finn runs towards the umbrella, Jake smacks him away.)

Jake: MARCELINE! (Jake stakes the umbrella. As he lifts it, there's nothing but smoke and wailing is heard.) Where is she?!

Finn: (Faking) I-I'm free! Jake! You faced your fear and saved me!

Jake: I did?! I did! Yeah! (singing) I saved my bro from a scum-sucking vampire!! (Runs away and laughs triumphantly.)

(Finn holds up the umbrella. Marceline (as a bat) comes out of Finn's pack.)

Marceline: (Whispering) Is it cool?

Finn: Yup!

Marceline: Finn, I owe you big-time! Changing into a bat and hiding in your pack was genius!

Finn: That's what henchmen are for.

Marceline: Oh, uh, that reminds me. You're fired from your henchman-ship. It's no fun when I can't trick you.

Finn: We're still on for pixie-strangling tomorrow, though, right?

Marceline: (Flying away with the umbrella) Definitely.

(The episode ends.)